What to expect from an alchoholic/drug addict...

[LoveOneAnother]

My boyfriend drinks and uses cocaine regularly. He always needs to go out a couple of times a week. He feels that he just needs his space and time to hang out with friends. He does not feel that he has a problem at all.

 

He will promise to come home, but will stay out until the next morning. He does this at least once a week. He will not answer my phone calls while he is out and his ushual claim is that he simply fell asleep at a friends house. Sometimes he is sorry and will promise never to do it again. Other times he feels justified because of how upset I get over it.

 

He feels that I am trying to control him. He says he has no respect for me whatsoever.(Basically because I do not have a job) I have a six year old, a 10 month old, and I am 9 months pregnant. Im not ready to work right now. I am very busy with my kids.

 

Im not a perfect person, but I do my best. I am a good mother and a very loving girlfriend and friend to all I know. I cook and keep the house clean. Im a house mom, what is wrong with that? He feels that I am extremely selfish and lazy. This hurts me greatly. I am starting to hate myself for allowing this man to make me feel this way. Yet, maybe he is right?

 

Is this typical behaviour of an addict? Have you ever been with a person like this? What are your thoughts? Feel free to agree or disagree. I could very well be the person in the wrong here. I just dont feel that I am, even if he tells me that I am.

[lifeiscash]

Yes he does have a problem.. in fact anyone has a severe problem if they are not only hurting themselves but hurting other people mentally or even physically. You sound like your priorites are straight in life. I do not have kids so I do not know what type of hassle you put up with throughout the day, but that doesn't mean I don't realize how NOT lazy you are. You have a right to be mad at this guy.. you have the right to stand up for yourself when you feel you are bieng treated wrong. It's hard to admit the truth within yourself but you need to understand that people say things all the freakin time.. but that doesn't mean it will be the truth. He says he is going to stop but honestly.. do you think he really will??

 

Life is not fair.. people are not fair.. its how you choose to deal with it that makes your life all so much easier. Maybe you should STOP listning to this guy.. Basically, this guy is saying he has NO respect for you because you don't have a job.. GIVE ME A BREAK, this guy is a cocaine addict LOL... you are SOOO much better then him. I realize you really care for this guy, and I realize I am being a little harsh. But understand that YOU are important, how YOU feel is important. Is this guy bringing you UP or letting you DOWN.. and is it worth it??? Answer that for me, because I don't like to see people be treated in a way they don't deserve..

 

Keep your head up

[DI93]

is the kids his?

[shes2smart]

Is this typical behaviour of an addict? Have you ever been with a person like this? What are your thoughts? Feel free to agree or disagree. I could very well be the person in the wrong here. I just dont feel that I am, even if he tells me that I am.

 

Yup, typical addict behavior. I was involved with one of those on and off for about 5 years, lived with him for about a year. I heard all of that "you're selfish" stuff, too....mostly if I wouldn't give him money to buy booze.

 

I wasn't selfish at all. Most women are raised with the idea that selfish is bad and we shouldn't be that way. An addict is very, very good at figuring out what buttons to push to in order to get what they want out of you.

 

It will just get worse unless he gets treatment. If he doesn't want treatment, forcing him to go will only be a waste of time.

 

The longer you stick around, the worse it's going to get for you and your kids. Growing up with an alcoholic/addict parent (or parent figure) is going to give them some real challenges to deal with as they get older. I'd strongly suggest you find some way to get him out of the house, if not out of your life. It may be the kick in the butt he needs to sober up...but I wouldn't count on it. I wouldn't split from him expecting that he would sober up. I'd leave because it's a destructive situation and I'd want something better for myself and my (hypothetical) kids.

[LoveOneAnother]

DI93, The two babies are his. Why do you ask?

[LoveOneAnother]

LifeisCash,

 

I will reread your reply a few times because it actually made me feel a lot better and gives me a lot to think about. Questions I really need to sit down and think about for a while. I'll get back to you on whatever I come up with. =)

 

I think a lot of the problem is that I do love how affectionate he is with me. I will miss that the most. I worry that with three kids, I will never have another chance at love. Not until they grow up anyways. I will be so lonely.

[LoveOneAnother]

shes2smart, do they really believe it when they call us selfish? I just cant understand for a second what it is that I am doing that makes me apear to be a selfish person. I am with the kids 24/7. I ushually put their needs before mine. The only thing I do that I feel is very selfish, is that I started smoking again. =( So does he really feel that I am a selfish person, or is he only trying to manipulate me?

 

He says he has no respect for me, so why doesnt he just leave me?

 

I just wish that I could make him love me, care about me and respect me. This isnt possiable. Now I must try to learn to do these things for myself. No self respecting woman would put up with this.

 

Sorry, I know Im rambling. Im pretty tired and upset.

 

Thank you for replying,

[shes2smart]

shes2smart, do they really believe it when they call us selfish?

 

In an addict's mind, anyone who doesn't do what THEY want or give them what THEY want or behave the way THEY want is "selfish." Once my ex figured out the "selfish" card didn't work on me, he used something else to try to push me into doing what he wanted.

 

I just cant understand for a second what it is that I am doing that makes me apear to be a selfish person.

 

That's because you're trying to look at it from a rational point of view, not from an "addict-think" point of view.

 

So does he really feel that I am a selfish person, or is he only trying to manipulate me?

 

I'd vote for manipulation.

 

He says he has no respect for me, so why doesnt he just leave me?

 

Cause he knows you'll put up with his crap.

 

I just wish that I could make him love me, care about me and respect me. This isnt possiable. Now I must try to learn to do these things for myself. No self respecting woman would put up with this.

 

You nailed it with that last sentence.

 

Something you might find helpful is going to Al-Anon. link removed. Or you might want to try Narcotics Anonymous since he's also involved with drugs. link removed. There you will be able to talk to others who are going through or have been through what you're going through. You might also want to go to the library and check out some books on Co-Dependency.

 

You can't control him. All you can control is yourself. Even if he won't sober up, you can still get the help you need to get into a better situation.

 

Addiction makes people do some really horrendous things. You need to remember that it is actually the addict who is the selfish one...they want what they want, they usually want it NOW, and they don't particularly care what they have to do to get it. They will use whatever works to get what they want out of others...and if that means calling you names and hurting your feelings, so be it.

[Hope75]

I also was engaged to and lived with an alcohlic addict for 5 years. This is exactly the same kind of bogus crap he pulled on me as well. Manipulation, degredation, blaming you for his own shortcomings.

 

This situation is even worse for you because you have 2 small children and a baby due any time now. I know you said you live in your father's rented house... is there any way your parents would help you if you kicked him out?

 

I think I read a post by you earlier that he was also cheating on you, is this correct? Don't you think you deserve more than this? Why are you accepting this kind of substandard treatment from him? Surely you know that no one should ever be treated like this.

 

This is no way to live. You can't expect stability from an addict who only cares about himself and his next drink or his next high.... and it isn't the type of environment your children should be raised in either. What kind of a father can he be if he can't even make it home half the time?

 

I know it will be tough, really tough, but the best thing for you is to get this man out of the house and away from your children. Until and unless he cleans up his act, he should not be allowed near your babies. You need to think about your children and yourself first.

[lifeiscash]

I think a lot of the problem is that I do love how affectionate he is with me. I will miss that the most. I worry that with three kids, I will never have another chance at love. Not until they grow up anyways. I will be so lonely.

 

Okay as for your last post, I realize I am only 21 but I believe I am pretty mature at my own age with experiences that i have been given and what I believe to be true. You say that you miss how affectionate he is with you. Now answer this question... is it him or is it the affection?? In other words would you be missing HIM or would you be missing the AFFECTION from him?? They are not the same thing... there are plenty of men out there that are willing to give a woman affection.. is that what you seek?? If so, i believe you need to re-evaluate why you might be with him. I also understand you really care for the kids and they have become part of your life... you have taken up a responsiblity that you didn't have to do to begin with. This shows how special you are... even if your man realizes it or not. There are people out there that would appreciate the things you do for them. You just have to take the risk to seek for better. It's a hard step.. obviously.. but consider the advantages of living a better life, don't think of the negatives. Do what you feel is right.. and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.. cause... thats what life is really about.

 

Life

[Mun]

The advice the others have given is good and I just want to add a couple of things.

 

First a person who is an addict is someone who doesn't love themselves. If he doesn't love himself then of course he can't really love another person. It just doesn't happen. I can understand that you will miss the good things you had with him ( when you had them) and that you wish he were more affectionate with the kids. Unfortunately you can't force that out of him.

 

Second I want to tell you that your life is not over. Just because you have 3 children does not mean you will never find another man. I know that it is not the most important thing right now---getting away from him is--but you mentioned it and I just want you to know that this is not necessarily true. You can find love again...

 

Don't give up just because he has.

[DI93]

I justed wanted to know if the kid were his becasue, when or if u should kick him out, then maybe child support can help out a little. Wow , i am sorry u got yourselve into this sitution. Maybe before leaving him, u can go back to school, or even get a steady job. I don't know much about drug/ acholoic becasue neither my parents, nor any of my firend drucks to get drunk. What i am worried about is your saftey and welbeing of you and your children. U have to leave him. U don't want him to be a role model for your children. They will eventually see how he treated u and think that ok. I think he is making the home envirnment unsafe. Get a job that can support u and your kids, even if u have to put them into daycare

[LoveOneAnother]

Shes2smart...

 

He stays because he knows I'll put up with it? Why bother? He could leave me, go out and live the party life and save himself all of the anguish of our arguments. I dont understand why he doesnt just hook up with one of his coke head girlfriends. They have jobs, so maybe he will respect them. (sarcasm)

 

I did read up on a few books about co dependency. I am going to make it a point to hit some alanon meetings. Im sure I can learn a thing or two.

 

It still is difficult to convince myself he is an addict when he convinces me otherwise. Deep down, I know that I am right and yet he always seems to know how to manipulate me. He is very charming, when he chooses to be. And he is good at agruing, I am not. Thank you for all of the good advice.

 

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Hope75, Yes I do know that I do not deserve to be treated this way. I lose respect for myself simply for allowing myself to be such a weak minded person. Yes, he cheated with my best friend while I was 5 months pregnant. He blames the alchohol and drugs. thereforeee, if he was truly sorry, youd think hed quit, right? whatever

 

I know this sounds totally absurd, but its the ever common, I still love him excuse that keeps me here. When he isnt out, we get along so well. We talk, we have fun, we do things together. Hes very affectionate. He makes me feel so happy and loved. However, this is only when he wants to be this way. He can aloso be extremly mean hearted and selfish, yet says that it is me. How selfish of me to want my boyfriend to come home at night.

 

I am not exactly sure of my next steps. This is very difficult for me. I may be getting a new house and will know within a week. My parents will help me out with everything. For now I leave during the day so I dont have to see him and he leaves for his ushual nights out. Avoidance is the key for now. I still have to make a lot of decisons, but I feels that I am moving in the right direction. Not what I want, but the only direction I can choose for my sanity and my kids future.

[LoveOneAnother]

LifeisCrash, Obviously I love so much more about him. I thought about what you have had to say and dont feel that its just about affection. Getting over him wont be easy, but I dont want to live with a part time man anymore. Hey, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, right? Thanks for pointing out that I am special. =) That was very nice to hear.

 

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Muneca,

 

"Dont give up just because he has" So very true. I could also add that it takes a stronger person to deal with lives problems, rather than turning to a bottle or a drug. I am greatful that I am taking the high road. I could be a junkie myself, I choose not to be.

 

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DI93, I dont feel as though we are in any danger at all. He acts pretty normal when he is wasted. Im wondering how I could get a job and pay for three kids to go to child care. I wouldnt make enough to cover my child care expenses.

 

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monthlesa, I am smoking because I am being very selish. I could make a few excuses to try and justify my actions, however, the bottom line is that I am being selfish.

 

You say that it doesnt get better. Did you both try to make changes? Did he make promises to you?

 

My boyfriend will get angry and break things or throw things, but I dont think he would ever hit me. We have been together for two years, youd think he wouldve did that by now if hwas going to.

 

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Thank you everybody for your thoughts. I needed to hear them.

[Hope75]

Hi Love,

 

Where is this possible new house coming from? Are either of your parents retired, and willing to help out with babysitting so you can get a job? Someone brought up child support, and you can certainly talk to a lawyer about that. If you have to go on assistance for awhile to get on your feet, it's better than staying with an addict. You don't have to do daycare, you can find someone to come to your home and babysit the kids, for most likely less than day care costs. Also, try to utilize friends and family, even if they can do a couple of hours here and there. Maybe you can work from home, telemarketing or doing mailings or something.

 

What she said about empty promises and it not getting any better is true, and what she said about it progressing to physical abuse is most likely true as well. My ex started out just as yours, showing his temper but throwing or breaking things, and it took awhile before he laid a hand on me. It's not unusual that after 2 years it hasn't happened yet, and it definitely still could. He promised so many times he would stop drinking and drugging, and he never could. He was so full of empty words... that's how they are.

 

Someone on here made a very good point about how addicts/alcoholics don't love themselves, and so they can't love you, and it's so true. What you have with him is not love, at least on his part. The fact is, he just doesn't care who he hurts, as long as he gets his next drink or his next high. He cheated on you with your best friend when you were pregnant with his baby. Does that sound like love?

 

You are a special person... you're a mother to these 3 beautiful children, and they need to be the focus and the most important things in your life, and you need to do all you can to protect them... and that means taking care of yourself first so that you can be there to be their mother.

 

The ever famous excuse, "I still love him", isn't enough. I've heard it, I've used it, and it's a cop out because we are scared to be alone. You can love someone and still know that they are toxic for you and that the relationship is not healthy, and that you don't belong together. You can love someone and still leave, because you know you deserve better.

 

No one expects you to stop loving him right away. It takes time to take off the rose colored glasses. However, you need to think with your head now, and realize that this isn't just about you anymore. You have children to think about, and living with an addict alcoholic is bad enough, and one who cheats on you and lies and throws and breaks things in anger, is horrible.

 

You mentioned that when he feels like it he's nice and shows you affection, and you have fun together. Of course there will be some times like that, he needs tools to use to keep you from leaving. Those times will never be enough to make up for everything else he's done that proves how much he does not care. Honey, he cheated on you, and he's using drugs, drinking, manipulating you, not coming home, he's treating you like garbage. How much more will you put yourself and your children through, before enough is enough?

[shes2smart]

Same here. I left for good before he got physical. He nearly threw a hiking boot at me once, and that was close enough for me. However, I had plenty of broken things, holes punched in walls/doors, etc. Later I learned my alcoholic ex did, in fact, physically abuse his ex-wife. So, it was just a matter of time before the same thing would've happened to me.

 

Ditto for the empty promises. Heard ALL of that from him, too.

[LoveOneAnother]

Hope75,

 

As far as getting a job and day cares, I will have to take some time to think about my options. I can count on my parents to help out financially. They are talking about buying me a house. (I know, they tend to spoil us)

 

"The ever famous excuse, "I still love him", isn't enough. I've heard it, I've used it, and it's a cop out because we are scared to be alone. You can love someone and still know that they are toxic for you and that the relationship is not healthy, and that you don't belong together. You can love someone and still leave, because you know you deserve better. "

 

So true. I dont want to be alone. I know for the most part, I already am. I just dont want to be ALL alone. Yes, your right. Its a cop out. =( I just DREAD seeing him with somebody else!

 

"Youmentioned that when he feels like it he's nice and shows you affection, and you have fun together. Of course there will be some times like that, he needs tools to use to keep you from leaving. Those times will never be enough to make up for everything else he's done that proves how much he does not care. Honey, he cheated on you, and he's using drugs, drinking, manipulating you, not coming home, he's treating you like garbage. How much more will you put yourself and your children through, before enough is enough?"

 

I know Hope. Enough IS enough. Being the clingy person that I am, this is very difficult for me to go through. However I will get through it, and I dont have to do it alone. Look at all of the help I got here by people who dont even know me. Now that counts for something. It just goes to show that there are good decent people out there who do care. I hope that Im not just being strong and cave back in. If I do I'll just have to dust myself off and try again.

 

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[Hope75]

It's all you can do. I'm very glad you have the support of your family. Do they know that your bf is a drug addict/ alcoholic who cheated on you? Do they know what kind of environment their grandchildren are being raised in? You are going to need more than just financial support, though that is a great relief that you have a back up plan.

 

You know you can kick him out any time, that's your family's house, not his house.

 

I know it's hard to be strong, but it's so important that you are. You have 3 children to think about here, and yourself. They need a stable environment, and I don't care how calm this guy is when he's high or drunk, children see everything, and it's not a healthy environment.

 

You do deserve more... and I hope you will gradually learn to see this. Instead of worrying about him with someone else, worry about yourself and your children getting away from him. He was with someone else right under your nose, a "relationship" with you hasn't stopped that, and it's not what's important right now. You need to get him out of your house. He does not deserve to be involved with you.

 

Please keep us updated, ok?

[socamajor13]

Wow, this is the advice i give everyone, you hit it right on! Wish I could take my own... its a work in progress.