I want to run............

[Shadows Light]

OK... I need an ego boost. A positive charge. A kick in the butt. Something.

 

6 Days till "D" day. Final trial date. And I'm full of anxiety. Too many things are up in the air. Too many worries.

 

The conflict. I don't think my ex is at the point of trying to get me back. He's definitely on the way out. The two points of contention are the division of the house and the children. He wants the lions share of the house. And he just could get it. And he wants shared custody where he would get the kids week on, week off.

 

Kids: I think that a week on, week off is too hard on everyone. My husband lacks patience, is verbally abusive and is unskilled to take care of himself let alone the kids. This is a GREAT concern to me. Not to mention he's gone on and on about how he's going to SAVE the children so they do not turn out like me.... a terrible terrible person who is unable to love or have a sustaining relationship. Becuase I filed for divorce and want out.

 

Home: If he gets the lions share. I won't be able to keep a roof over my kids heads. And it will disturb their lives more than this already has. I am so trying to keep a happy face and to keep everything on an even keel.

 

So the 6 days pre "d" day is causing me great anxiety. Along with trying to keep myself sane. LOL.

 

I can't lean on my friends anymore. I've leaned on them to much that i fear that I have outworn my welcome. No, they haven't said so...but I'm not one to jepordize friendships for myself. And I think I should be alone right now than just wreak havoc around everyone else.

 

I really really want to just pack up our clothes and Run. Drive as far as my meager savings and credit card will take me. And I know...that this is not an option for me.

 

ooooooooohhhhhhh and the best... I have to attend a WEDDING of all things today. And guess who will be there. Not going is not an option. Its one of those have to weddings.

[DN]

Kids: I think that a week on, week off is too hard on everyone. My husband lacks patience, is verbally abusive and is unskilled to take care of himself let alone the kids. This is a GREAT concern to me. Not to mention he's gone on and on about how he's going to SAVE the children so they do not turn out like me.... a terrible terrible person who is unable to love or have a sustaining relationship. Becuase I filed for divorce and want out.

 

Be careful that you don't give the judge the impression that you are not being cooperative. There are many judges today who feel that fathers are equally as important in their children's lives as mothers. The arguments you put up against shared custody have been heard thousands of times before - unless you can prove them just saying that could damage your case.

[SilverManic]

This kind of thing can be very difficult for both the adults and especially the children. My surgestion is talk to a lawyer/scolisitor about this and see what you can do. Don't say anything with out that persons advice on it. They know the law and only they can give you this type of advice. The best thing to do right now is try to stay calm and asure your children how much you love them.

Good Luck,

~S.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Why are the two of you divorcing?

[Shadows Light]

link removed

 

Here's one of my first... posts here. Tip of the iceburg...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

shadow after reading your other post i must say without hearing his pov man that sucks. it sound's like he prefers men. has he tried at all to woo you back and change or is he just attacking? he sound's from your posts like a horrible man.

[Shadows Light]

No... he's attacking. We had a brief try at reconncilliation back in Dec.

I think I did it to make the Pain go away...quickly. I told him the love was gone. I told him I would come back for the kids sake and financial reasons.... for the kids. His nicey nice lasted for 3 weeks... u could see it boiling beneath the surface. So 3 weeks later, 3 marriage counseling sessions later... and he blew a gasket.

 

And ever since then. Everytime he picks up the kids or there is contact its been barbs and arrows attack attack attack.

 

No.. not a horrible man. No one is 100% bad. Else I'd been gone years and years ago. Its more like his anger cycles... cyclical. Difficult to explain that. And the cycles have gotten closer together. Along with the drinking. Appathy etc etc. The gay porn... that just freaked me out... what am I supposed to think????? My cup runneth over.

 

I'm astute enough to know that a person who loses control of his temper, uses personal attacks and profanity on you. Is physically destructive ie breaks objects, its a matter of time before I become an object to get thrown. The respect is gone with the personal attacks and the build up of fear. I'm also well aware that this is NOT a good situation for my children to be around. It affects them. They come to think its common place and this is the way to love. And how long before they become objects. He does not discern if they are in the room or not when he blows. As I said he's even gone after them to correct them... in a manner that is too much overly aggressive. IE Punshment doesn't fit the crime. I can't have them raised that way. I can't have that imprinted on them.

 

Yes... I've used the "D" word with him many times. IE. "How long do you think I can live this way? How long do you think I will put up with XYZ? What person in their right mind would take this... no one but no one would put up with this..." And I'd get a snide comment back like.."oh... thats your answer to everything DIVORCE"... my reply..."what other way or choices do you leave me??" or he'd say.."yeah, well, I always knew you'd leave me. From day one." You see, my parents are divorced... so he puts that guilt on me as if there's some DEFECT in me because my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage.

 

I have tried... every self-help book over the years. I have gone to counseling for me. I have gone to counseling with him years ago. He did the anger management thing years ago too. It helped for a while with some things. I even bought the self-help book the SURRENDERED WIFE... which basically tells you to say "Yes, dear" to whatever they say and to build your husbands ego. Can see some validity in that... but it didn't work. By the time I filed for "D"... his demeaner and temper had become outragious. His drinking more. He admited during our reconsile phase he'd been hitting the bottle. He told me he took advantage of me and used me. He said I was a great MOM. and today.... you'd think I'd grown two heads, I'm a horrible woman, I was a bad wife, I neglected him, and I'm a terrible terrible mother and roll model for my children. He'd even said he was always embarrassed by me in public.

He's trashed me to "OUR" friends and allienated me socially from anyone we knew. You see...I'll only talk about our "stuff" to a select few trusted friends...who keep things to themselves. And HERE.. if I have to VENT and look for validation or help.

 

BTW... the wedding last night. Horrible. He got blasted. And then was upset when our daughter would not dance with him. She was overly tired and for whatever reason just didn't want to dance. He blamed me. Either he was asked to leave, because I had a few friends watching out for us, or he left on his own accord. Either way... I soooo try to be monotone and cordial. Especially with our children present. They do not need to see this or to know.

 

I think I'm vacillating between that very angry stage and acceptance. I've accepted that sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do. And I am ANGRY. Angry that after all the work and all the stuff I put up with I couldn't swing it around or he wouldn't make the adjustments. I'm angry that its all turned out this way. I'm Angry that I have to start from the beginning. And I am ANGRY for my kids. I love them more than anything in the world. They are the best of me. Children do not have choices.... we create their world for them. I'm Angry that this is what I gave them.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

shadow is he bipolar?

If he changed into a wonderfulman again would you love him again and want to be back with him? Obtuse question but fantacize for just a moment.

does he ever still show you love at all?

[Shadows Light]

No. I don't love him anymore. A few months back I cried bitter tears over the death of that love. I felt like there was a "DEAD THING" inside of me. It was gone. And I mourned the loss of that. That in and of itself hurt more than anything I think. The trust is sooooo gone. The hurts are sooooo great. Put it this way... having him touch my hand, repulsed me. And that was shocking to me. It shocked me that I felt this way... or didn't even FEEL. And no...I could never tell another living human breathing being that thier touch repulsed me. My problem is .... is that I can not intentionall HURT someone.

 

Bi-Polar... Possibly. Something is not right. He kept saying "this is the way I am wired.... I'm just wired this way.....can't help it...." whatever that meant. He was seeing an ANGER therapist and we were seeing a counselor together.

 

I can not close my eyes and fantasize about a reconcilliation. I don't see him when I close my eyes anymore....I think I've moved on...

 

No...all I see is scorn. Love is not supposed to hurt you. Love doesn't throw acid at you to "make" you or bend you to its will.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

well there is shock that can also cause emptiness too. usually the opposite of love is indifference. but of course he could also repulse you because of what he symbolizes more than anything. interesting.

either way i really feel bad about what you are going through.

[Tigris]

I'm pleased you're getting a divorce. Life with him sounds too dangerous to me.

 

Does his parents know about his behaviour? Is his father like this? Are his brothers and sisters like this?

 

Are there any good male role models for the kids? That's one thing they do need in their life!

 

Good luck with the divorce and take care.

[Shadows Light]

Tigris...

 

His dad wasn't too much of a role model. From what I understand he was a week-end drunk. In his late 50's he had an accident at work that almost cost him his life. He hasn't been right in the head ever since.

 

My x told me that his dad never really was a dad. Never had time for him to be a role model. Never played ball with him or did dad stuff. He was very much a mama's boy. Mama protected him. He was a sickly child. He had some surgeries when he was a kid. He had had undescended Test. which is no big deal. One out of 5 boys has it. He was never told about it. When he got to HS he was told one was fake. Thats how he found out supposedly. Latter we discovered ...it wasn't fake.. was real...but the dr. who worked on him... really did a number on him.. scarring.. major scarring.. and Dr. not sure what was done down there.

 

We were going through infertility treatments. I remember hubby nearly passed out having to disrobe infront of 2 dr's... it was a tough situation for him.

 

Anyway.. he has a brother 10 years old than him. His brother left home early... so X didn't have anyone to bring him along.

 

I think I'm putting in TMI here...

 

Anyway... I know.. my girls need a role model.. a dad figure. My brother is around..and they adore him. I know one thing for certain.. I didn't want my girls to see that relationships were like THIS. I didn't want them to think it was OK. Kids get imprinted with thinking THIS is ok. And I so didn't want that for them. Becuase its NOT ok. They didn't ask to be here... and they wouldn't have been here had I not played god and gone through fertility treatments. I feel doubly responsible. YIKES.. what tangled webs we weave eh?

 

Thanks for your encouragement. As my life unravels...I'm starting to see WHAT was good, and what was bad...and where I might have gone wrong. WHAT I could have done differently. Somewhere along the line... I forgot... I FORGOT that self-respect comes first. When you allow someone to control you and be-little you.. you lose ground and lose self-respect. I'm gaining that back.. day by day. step by step.

[Tigris]

Don't look back and see what you could have done differently. Look forward to the promising happy future you're going to have with your girls. And tell your brother to keep up the good work! I'm relying on him to show them that some men are caring, well balanced people.

 

Take care and keep me informed of how you're all doing.