unfair??

[dreamcatcher]

me and my husband have been talked about sex lately and trying to solve some problems. we've been living together since 3 months ago. we are both kind of shy and insecure and have problems to initiate sex and trying something new.

 

yesterday he told me that he would like I was more "kinky". I agree that I should be more "aggressive" and I am really interested and changing my behaviour, if it will be good for us... although it's not easy for me. frankly, I don't understand what he meant about being "kinky". I have a romantic and sensitive nature and some sex practices sometimes seem too much aggressive to me. at the same time I think it's unfair he demands something from me: he doesn't touch me, doesn't explore my body, doesn't seem concentrated in my pleasure (he normally has orgasms; I don't, but he never helps me). I am now a bit angry, because I feel he is putting the responsibility of our sexual life on me, and, for his part, have done nothing in order to change it. am I wrong? I love him and understand he must feel insecure too, and I don't want to pressure him. but I feel it's unfair if only I have the initiative to change things.

 

(sorry for the poor English, this is not my native language.)

[Vert]

Dream,

I think you both need to sit down and talk about your concerns with each other. I think when guys says "kinky" they usually mean a very aggressive woman that likes to do things spontaneously without their partner telling them what to do. For example, my recent ex-gf loved to be treated like a "bad girl" during sex, and she LOVED the taste of herself. She'd often get off me, go clean off my member with her mouth, and come back and kiss me with the taste of her juices still there. To me that was extremely kinky, and she also loved to call me "daddy" and say "f*** me harder, daddy... I'm a really bad girl!" (she is a latina so she'd also say "ay papi! harder, papi!") and this would drive me crazy for her. It all depends on the woman, but the man also needs to do some work as you say.

[chai714]

I am now a bit angry, because I feel he is putting the responsibility of our sexual life on me, and, for his part, have done nothing in order to change it. am I wrong? I love him and understand he must feel insecure too, and I don't want to pressure him. but I feel it's unfair if only I have the initiative to change things.

 

Of course you're not wrong to feel the way you do. Your feelings are normal given your current situation, and it's ok to be angry for now.

 

You can't continue to let this anger build though, or it will have a negative effect on your overall relationship. Do not suppress your feelings in front of him. Communicate. Sex is an extension of communication. Having great sex is 90% mental, 10% physical. You'll have to make him want to please you. How do you do this? You need to get inside of his head and see what "kinky" things he's into. Then, you become that character and play the role. You might also want a rent an adult flick and see how he reacts to certain scenes, characters, and such. Then, by observing his behavior you can adjust and integrate those characters into your own bedroom. Good luck.

[smallworld]

Hey Dream, Vert & Chai make some excellent points. It sounds like you need to tell him first about your needs for romance (be specific) and to be touched. "Kinky" means different things to different people, so he definitely needs to define it for you, but this doesn't have to be embarrassing or a battle over whose responsibility it is. It can actually be fun!

 

I do this for day trips, but it'd work for sex too. Cut up a bunch of index cards in half, and give each other a huge pile. Write down one fantasy per card and then dump them all in a large glass jar. Next time you're in the mood, take turns pulling out an idea and see where it takes you.

 

If you need help better understanding each other emotionally and sexually, grab the companion books Light Her Fire and Light His Fire by Dr. Ellen Kreidman. (You can probably find them at your library.) Basically it comes down to men give love for sex, and women give sex for love, but the romantic ideas in both books are fantastic.

 

You can also teach each other how to better communicate needs with the info from link removed

[Lexicon85]

Well well, I bet if he helped you enjoy it, you would initiate it more, now wouldn't you? Tell him this!

 

As for romance, I love that, too- but see what you can get out of taking charge. When you're on top and in control, and you start to drive your man wild, you probably won't want to go give that up.

 

BUT make sure he pleases you!

[Vert]

Smallworld adds an excellent game that reminds me of something very similar. My friend suggested it and it works out great... He and his wife play either "Tekken for sex" or "Putt-putt for sex"... Let me explain Tekken is a video game of two combatants controlled by the two players, and you fight to see who wins the round. Whoever wins the round in the game tells their partner what they want to have done to them, what they want the other person to do to themselves, or what they want to do to that person (one of the three). This goes on for a while until you've both racked up a list. As for putt-putt, you go to a course and play a round of putt-put and yup, you guessed it, the winner of each whole dictates something to their partner. It's a fun game, and will definitely get the "requests" portion out of the way

[Shadows Light]

I think sometimes the best way is to lead by example. And yes... he's wrong. If he's done NOTHING to rock your world and has been totally selfish...I'd be upset too. How dare he ask you for something he's not willing to give.

 

Kinky eh? have you asked him to explain? give you a hint? drop you a note? send smoke signals? homing pigeons?

 

I know what you mean about being shy. I am anything but shy "normally" and when it comes to.... woooopeee... I'll be the first one to get.... shy. I think first of all, you sometimes don't know what it is you want... or maybe don't know how to ask for it...or you're afraid to ask for it... because you don't want to sound, whatever. Don't know the answer to that problem for you. Haven't figured it out myself.

 

Here's an idea. A couple years ago I got sick of never getting what I really wanted for Xmas. I'd drop hints here and there and everywhere... finally, I put a list of stuff on the fridge... and said.. anyone of these would knock my socks off.. pick one. I'd always get these Xmas gifts that would leave me scratching my head wondering, "what in the world was he thinking.... or was this an afterthought.... " you know what I mean.

 

Soooo ... maybe, an idea would be if you read something on this forum or elsewhere that sounds... "interesting" you might print it out or send it to them... for food for thought. At least then you would get past the blushing to the roots of your hairs with shyness.

[Shadows Light]

VERT... what a cool idea. Challenging and fun. Make it a sport... make it competitive (to an extent) its a win/win situation.

[dreamcatcher]

hello guys... I am sorry for have not showed myself in the last weeks to comment your nice thoughts about my problem. I just wanted to say that I appreciate very much each idea and opinion. well, since the day I posted this topic, things did not changed much. we continue having a very poor sex. he confessed me that his sex drive has grown low since we get some intimacy (we are married since 3 moths ago only!), and that is not my blame actually, once he loves me and I am a very attractive woman, etc. it happened in his past relationships also. he is thinking about taking steps in order to change things, I really appreciate his sincerity. I think that his troubles have deeper roots, surely in his mind, and maybe he needs some sort of therapy. I am ready to help him.

 

once again, thank you all for the interest. you are really nice!