drugs

[wonderland88]

Well everyone, me and my ex got back together and it's been a really great time and I'm so unbelievably happy until recently.

 

When my boyfriend and I first started dating he did weed, and a lot of it I'm totally against drugs and absolutely hated it and he stopped for me and we had a long lasting relationship. When we were separated for the 3 months he began doing in again, and a lot again.

 

I am still against it and have asked him to stop because I hate knowing that he does it but he just says, "I like it and I don't wanna stop". Last night we went out and he left his wallet in my purse so when I got home he called me saying he was stopping by for his wallet. He was with a friend who I believe got him started into all of it again and I asked him where his cell phone was and he said in his bag so I said "oh where your weed is" he said no but I could tell he was baked (he even admitted it) and I just turned around and walked away. I spent the better part of an hour crying my eyes out because of what he's doing.

 

I absolutely hate it I hate it so much and he still won't stop for me knowing that I hate it. But if the roles were reversed and it bothered him I would stop because I love him and care about his feelings.

 

My mom was talking to me about this saying you're getting hurt again do you think it's the best to be together but I can't break up with him I was so unbelievably depressed I just don't want to go through it again.

 

He hasn't talked to me since he walked away and I tried phoning--no answer. Since he isn't stopping weed again could that mean that he just doesn't care about me, doesn't feel the same and doesn't love me as much or loves me at all?

 

Should I be so worried about it or am I even in the position to be making these demands? I'm just so hurt by it, my uncle messed up his life with drugs and I don't wanna see that happen to my boyfriend. Does anyone think it's best for me to stay in the relationship and keep talking to him about it or should I end it and be hurt again? I'm so confused!

[RayKay]

People can only change for themselves, so if he is using and you are against it, I think it is best you walk away.

 

You cannot change people no matter how much you love them, and continuing to try will only lead to frustration and heartbreak in the end, for both of you. If you cannot accept him for whom he is, then it is time to move on.

 

Pot is not the worst drug (heroin and meth are even more destructive), but I do know it does tend to "numb" the user, in my own experiences, it can tend to have them act more selfish (at least when high) as you saw when he basically shrugged off your concerns. Does he love you? Likely if he is with you, but that does not mean you two are meant to be together or must be together, sometimes we cannot be with those we love when the relationship is destructive to our own selves. At this point though, yes he is choosing pot over you in a sense, especially knowing how you feel about it, which is why I think your mom is probably right.

 

When I was 15-18, I dated a wonderful guy, he was very sweet and while we were very different, I loved him a lot, and I know he loved me. Problem was, he did a lot of pot, and I was just not into that ad when he was high, he was different. Not bad, just not him..and it bothered me a lot. I never demanded he quit or anything, but it would bother me (I would talk to him about it, just not force it). Eventually I realized we were different people though and I broke it off.

 

He was great, but I realized eventually our lifestyles, values, goals were too different, and I was way too young to spend my life hoping someone would change their bad habits. The pot is not the real reason we broke up, but it was one of those things that was "there" that always kind of bothered me. Now of course I would just not get involved with someone with some habit that was against my own ideas/values, but at the time I was young.

[Blurr]

It's funny you bring this up because there was just another topic asking if you would quit smoking if your partner asked you do. Well, it was more 'would you quit doing it if they said you had to or else they wouldn't marry you'.

 

Anyways, I think if it's something that he likes to do and he is not willing to quit, that you may be hurting yourself more if you continue to stay with him.

 

I can sympathize on the other end of things because I, myself, smoke weed. Not on a regular basis like I did when I was younger, but I do it every few days and I enjoy it. I can understand that you are against it, but you have to also understand that it's something that he enjoys doing. I certainly wouldn't quit if I was asked by my girlfriend (but she smokes too so I doubt that would happen). It's much like someone who enjoys drinking or smoking...it's a social, recreational thing.

 

If it's that important to you for him to stop, and he won't do it, then I would say just end it now and save yourself a lot of hurt.

[benevolent]

You're probably better off nipping this whole thing in the bud (no pun intented). He obviously does not want to compromise and if you are going to prolong this in a relationship, I don't even think it is worth it.

 

My ex-gf was the same way. She was proud of smoking weed and thought it was harmless, "because it was natural and nature doesn't kill you." So I told her to go eat hemlock. Anyway, when she was with me, she didn't smoke any weed. Although, I'm sure she lit up sometimes with her friend though.

 

Towards the end of our relationship she said she wanted to start smoking again, and like you, I was totally opposed to it, especially since she has 2 small kids present. Of course, being stubborn and not seeing that compromise, a positive, healthy relationship and that somebody gave a damn about her, was a good thing, she refused, ultimately left me and lived her life as great as she thought it was.

 

I think anyone who abuses themselves like that is certainly afraid to face and deal with reality or problems that are associated with it. It's a sign of immaturity, stupidity and overall weakness. You've already witnessed the destructive power it can have on a life and I have seen it too. Yet, there are many who think that they won't fall into that category, and while that may be true for some, they are ultimately hurting themselves and others that care for them in the end. To be oblivious to that, speaks volumes in terms of who they really are.

 

You deserve much better.

[Hope75]

My ex smoked pot every day, to the extent where he had to do a "wake & bake" (i.e. wake up and smoke right away or he was in a terrible mood) and it really took away his ambition and made him so lazy... it was sad.

 

I couldn't stand how lazy it made him and eventually we broke it off (for many reasons, that being one of them)

 

The point is, marijuana can be psychologically addictive (meaning your bf will use regularly and though he does not physically need it to feel normal, he craves it and enjoys the feelings it brings him) and your bf will only stop if he wants to stop, not because anyone tells him to.

 

If it bothers you that much (and it sounds like it does) than your best option is to walk away. You are better off moving forward without him than settling for something that makes you unhappy just because you don't want to go through the trauma of a breakup again.

 

You will feel sad for awhile, but eventaully you will realize what a waste of time it is to be with someone who cares more about getting high than being with the one he is supposed to love.

 

Good luck.

[wierdo]

well i know its hard, but here's a little tip.

 

your boyfriend doesn't even care about himself, so at the end of the day, there isn't going to be a lot of caring left for you.

 

i lost my best friend to weed. he didn't die, but he just regressed into the "wake and bake" type (thanks for the phrase.. i like it) and then he just stopped being him. it's like watching someone die before your eyes.

 

the thing is, you can get out now.. or wait till he becomes a blubbery mess who blames you for all his problems. or his mind finally snaps and he hurts you or him.

 

it's horrible to watch, i know. But for your own safety and sanity, you have to let him go.

 

good luck

weirdo

[someguy69]

You guys need to establish a compromise.

 

If he can keep his weed smoking to a reasonable and responsible social-recreational frequency, then you should be able to handle that this is something he enjoys.

 

If it's something he does to excess without compromise, then its time for you to part ways.

[mgirl]

There are only two people in a relationship when drugs are involved - the person using and the drug itself. Otherwise, it's better known as a three-way. When somebody is addicted, you will never be able to compete with the substance. My best advice is to break-up with this guy. You can't keep telling him what to do because as soon as you are not around, he will start using again. Ultimately, the decision to stop has to be his.

[Hope75]

You guys need to establish a compromise.

 

If he can keep his weed smoking to a reasonable and responsible social-recreational frequency, then you should be able to handle that this is something he enjoys.

 

If it's something he does to excess without compromise, then its time for you to part ways.

 

I think that most of the time by the time a person smokes weed as frequently as this, it is hard to go back to occasional & recreational use... they just find life too hard to deal with without being stoned.

 

Just my experience with my ex and about 12 of his closet friends....

[someguy69]

There are only two people in a relationship when drugs are involved - the person using and the drug itself. Otherwise, it's better known as a three-way. When somebody is addicted, you will never be able to compete with the substance. My best advice is to break-up with this guy. You can't keep telling him what to do because as soon as you are not around, he will start using again. Ultimately, the decision to stop has to be his.

 

Untrue. People can learn to manage their addictions. Cannabis is far less addictive than alcohol (and far far far less addictive than tobacco), and while a lot of people have problems with alcohol, they can be overcome.

 

The decision to control his addiction is certainly his, and that is why a compromise must be reached rather than an ultimatum or demand.

 

If you tell him that you don't want him smoking weed ever, he's going to feel resentful -- and his weed smoking buddies will razz him over it too.

 

If you reach a compromise of a reasonable amount of weed use (i.e. X many grams per week) and the frequency of use (i.e. one joint in the evening, or only on weekends) comparable to how much an average person would drink, then both of you can be happy.

[someguy69]

I think that most of the time by the time a person smokes weed as frequently as this, it is hard to go back to occasional & recreational use... they just find life too hard to deal with without being stoned.

 

She didn't specify how frequently this was. She's obviously afraid that he's going to ruin his life like her uncle did, but she didn't give us enough details to form an opinion. How often does he smoke weed? What drug was her uncle addicted to? What happened with him?

 

Cannabis is a relatively "soft" drug. While intoxicating (somewhat like alcohol) it isn't really as stupifying as alcohol is, and certainly doesn't have anywhere near the negative health impact that alcohol does (even though you are smoking it, it is far less harmful to your body than tobacco).

 

Do not forget that alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, chocolate, coffee and tea are all drugs, albeit legal, socially acceptable ones... they are still drugs, and aside from alcohol, you can be experiencing the effects of nicotine and the caffeine related drugs (known as methylxanthines) while driving, at work or at school without any trouble. Of course dosage is always a factor... as you can legally drive after only having a little bit to drink (i.e. one beer)... but may have difficulty doing much of anything if you have way too much caffeine or nicotine.

 

So how much and how often is the boyfriend toking? Can you two reach a compromise?

[Hope75]

 

People can learn to manage their addictions. Cannabis is far less addictive than alcohol (and far far far less addictive than tobacco), and while a lot of people have problems with alcohol, they can be overcome.

 

While this may be true for you, it is not necessarily true of everyone. I personally know more than a half dozen people, including my ex who felt addicted to cannibus and unable to control the urge to smoke and be perpetually stoned. He found he either had to stay away from it entirely, or he would use constantly. He could find no happy medium.

 

This is sort of off topic though, the point is, she can't be telling him what to do. She either has to accept what he's doing if he won't discuss it with her, or walk away if she feels it is too much for her to handle.

[someguy69]

I personally know more than a half dozen people, including my ex who felt addicted to cannabis and unable to control the urge to smoke and be perpetually stoned. He found he either had to stay away from it entirely, or he would use constantly. He could find no happy medium.

 

Quite the little group of stoners... I consider them lucky that their drug of choice is cannabis and not alcohol, or worse yet cocaine, methamphetamine or heroin. Fortunately cannabis use (being a soft drug compared to the hard drugs I listed) is easier to control, and break free from (yes, much easier than alcohol).

 

While finding a happy medium may be a more difficult path for some, it is the only way you know that you are "cured" of your addiction. If you have to completely abstain from the substance to avoid "falling off the wagon", then you're not cured.

 

 

This is sort of off topic though, the point is, she can't be telling him what to do. She either has to accept what he's doing if he won't discuss it with her, or walk away if she feels it is too much for her to handle.

 

This is why I feel reaching a compromise is a good idea. If she absolutely can't stand him ever smoking up... or if he can't bring his toking to a reasonable responsible level, then she should break up with him. If they can work out a compromise, than maybe the relationship can be saved.