Broke up with boyfriend of 4 years (possibly) but uncertain

[phishgirl]

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 4 years last night. We discussed my feelings of being suffocated and feeling trapped in the relationship due to his dominance of my social life, feelings of being trapped, and poor sexual life with him. He agreed that he'd sensed it based on my actions 6 months ago ( I was spending a lot of time with my male coworkers, out of rebellion of his control over my social life), and we agreed that this was the best decision.

 

I told my boyfriend that I felt suffocated and trapped in the relationship, and that I did not love him as much as he loved me. I told him I loved him but was not sure if I was "in love" with him. I said I felt that I was keeping him out of a chance for true, reciprocal love. My boyfriend responded that he had sensed this, and that it may be a decision that has been felt for a few months for boh of us.

 

In addition, we talked about how I don't feel desire for him and how I don't want to have sex with him anymore because of my ambivalent feelings towards him sexually. He has never fulfilled me in the past in thiis respect, only through him "masturbating me", or whatever the term is. Basically stimulating my clitoris with his hand. I hadn't felt the drive for hiim sexually, basically, and I've been doing the same for him for around two months-I'm not sure to this day if it's a response to his jealousy/dominance over my social life or my antidepresant (Lexapro 10 mg).

 

My boyfriend left work early today because he was so upset, and I spent my own day wondering i f we made the right decision myself. We talked in person later in the day, and by phone later this evening wondering if there's somthing we can change-sexually, social-life wise, and he was willing to adaot to all of these issues. I told him I was still unsure, as I spent most of the day on my work and avoiding thinking of the breakup. He told me point-blank that if I was still "madly in love with him" that we could try to work things out. Being the uncertain, ambivalent, confused 24-year-old I am (he's 30), I told him I wasn't sure. And I'm not.

 

I think of my future without my boyfriend, and all the good times we've had and will continue to have. He seems (and has admitted) to responding to the controlling of my social life because he feels threatened by our status in the relationship, and what I've done to rebel against his controlling nature.. The fact is , I've hung out wth my guy friends enough of make him jealous out of my rebellion of his control over my life. I told him it's not my coworkers specifically that I want to hang out with, it's simply an outlet to my frustrations of being controlled. He's acknowledged this, and is willing to accept this, as long as I inform him of what social situations I'll be in without him. I want a separate social life without him, which I have explained to him tonight, and he accepts this. However, he feels that we're making a mistake by breaking up, and i feel the same.

 

My question remains, however. I currently feel like I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend because I have no desire to. He is very attractive to me, but he has been unfufilling to me sexually since we began intimacy 4 yrs. ago (we met in 2001, I lost feelings iin late 2004, 1 1/2 years after i began my antidepressant).

 

Based on my summary of my boyfriend and my relationship do you all believe that this relationsip is worth working on the sexual aspects of the relationship because of the antidepressant, or is it based on my lack of attraction due to his controlling behavior? I'm terribly confused. Please give me your insight. I told my boyriend I'll call him tomorrow. Thank you for all your responses. Anyone who's been in this situation, please tell me how you've addressed these issues, if applicable.

 

Is my lack of physical attration towards my boyfriend somthing we can work on, or not? Do you think it's lack of sexual desire towards him based on my antidepressants, or is it the underlying problem of my need for experiencing life without him?

 

NOTE; my boyfriend is my first love, and I lost my virginity to him.

 

Thank you everyone!

[RooferGirl23]

for starters people dont change. they try, but personality is a set trait, even if they change it temporarily. If you feel controlled, then he must have alot of insecure feelings. seeing you hang with the guys bothers him. how about if he started hanging with the ladies and told you that you cannot join him, how would you feel?

I have taken lexapro for a while myself, and it did the same to me, so bad that i ended up getting off of it b/c it made me tired all the time and that led to the lack of desire b/c i just was too tired and not in the mood. All the long relationships that I have been, the intimacy has gotten, well, lets put it this way, boring. thats totally normal to feel. u have to think of it this way: sex makes men very happy, secure, and good self-esteem. you may not feel that spark, so do it for him as well. his happiness will bounce to you, making you happier, and helping out the relationship as a whole.

You cannot be selfish in a relationship, and neith can he. its all about compromise, even if you dont like or feel like, or even wantto do something. But if it makes your partner happy, do it, and enjoy the happiness it brings.