Deciding what's best for me

[phishgirl]

I still remain about my situation with my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 years now. Since I'd never had any other boyfriend or lover before I met my current boyfiend, I've never known another love or any other sex partners. My current boyfriend does not please me at all. He has rarely given me oral sex, and our sex life has been normal to the extent of boring and non-orgasmic ever since. I have never gotten an orgasm from my boyfriend because he has not lasted long enough to do so, thought the length of time during lovemaking has increased. It's simply gotten to the point that I know he won't please me, so that if he DOES last a while, I simply 'fake it' to end the sex out of unfulfillment. We do not have sex often, as this is the way it has been for 4 years now, and I see no signs of improvement.

 

On top of sexual unfulfillment, I feel that my boyfriend is controlling of my social life and disapproves of the 'friends' I have at work. He says they are dysfunctional and that every guy I work with is trying to get into my pants. I used to hang around with these male co-worker friends in the past, but my boyfriend has gotten possessive and jealous, telling me they were losers and that they were not true friends. I can see his point, but having moved to a new city within the last 2 years and not knowing anyone, along with relating to these male counterparts, I have felt sheltered to the point of isolated. My boyfriend recommended I cease hanging out with these guys and girls (who he thinks is TRYING to get me to break up with him) .

 

However, I ENJOY hanging out with my work friends. They give me a chance to vent my work. (as a case worker for individuals with mental illnesses) I can see their influence and comments that my boyfriend is controlling and dominating, but I still need friends! I have since stopped hanging out with my male work friends. Note: In the past my boyfriend was raised by his mother, who was divorced from his father, and he has made many female friends as a result. I was jealous of his relationhships with his girl friends and he subsequently stopped. We have since gone out with his single female friends without my jealousy involved.

 

I feel ecstatic knowing that I have male friends at work, as I've alway been the 'overweight girl' until I met my boyfriend and lost 70 lbs. on the Atkins diet after going from a high-school size 14 to a size 6 in college when I met my boyfriend. I never had a 'true' boyfriend before due to my insecurity about my weight, and thought I was SO LUCKY to get my current boyfriend.

 

Now I know I look attractive to others, and have been getting responses from men I never thought I was attractive enough for. My boyfriend was there when I first began my ascent into "attractiveness" and being "hot" to others. I was attractive to him when I was a size 10, in between, now I'm a size 6 and noticed all the time, which is different to me, as I have always been overweight.

 

I feel that I've outgrown my boyfriend in a way, that I found him when I was most wanting to experience a real "boyfriend." However, I've grown emotionally and more independently since then and begun feeling that I need to experience the pure, unsupported life and finding the appropriate boyfriend on my own, not at a state where I was unsure and still vulnerable to others.

 

I feel different now than I did when I first met my boyfriend. I feel more independent, like I want to be out on my OWN for once. He's always made more money than me, and I've always felt inadequate.

 

However, the chief issue is that after these years with my bf, I've never felt sexually fulfilled, nor have I ever been completely "on my own" without his guidance about the "real world" or financial help when I'm in trouble.

 

My question to you all is, should I move on in to the realm of unknowing, the "adult life" without my nurturing boyfriend, or should I simply grow up with him and continue my life with him?

 

P.S. I've discussed some of this with my boyfriend, but he seems to be in somewhat denial of my needs.

 

Please help! Any advice is valuable to me, particularly if you've been here before! Thanks everyone for your replies and advice.

[reflectionlessmirror]

I really think that it is time for you to move one, no doubt. If he is so unaware of your needs and is so controlling, then why stay with him? Not for the sex, cause that area is bad too. Let me ask you this...What ARE you staying for?

[phishgirl]

I have to say, I stay with him because he thinks so much of me....he is SO affectionate, though not sexual (If he is, I simply play dumb and dont' acknowledge it as I'm not sexually attracted to him). I feel that no one else will EVER love me like he does...it's that he's so INTERESTED in everything I do. I can't even go off to the dining room table to get my purse without him asking what I'm doing....he dominates my weekends. He gets mad when I have to go home and shower, and end up spending 3 hours of our Saturday alone wthout him complaining. This last Friday night he gave me a guilt trip for spending tiime with my best girl friend in my old college town 30 min. away, that he felt like a third wheel coming later after hanging out wth his friend-even though I didn't even INVITE him, as this was "girls' night"!He's jealous, but in a caring way. However, I feel that I can't spend a fun weekend night alone with my friends without him feeling possesssive and jealous! What should I say to him?

[reflectionlessmirror]

You may be confusing posessiv and controlling behavior for love. Sounds like he is more insecure and suspicious than loveing, like "What are you up to?" and worrying when you are out of sight. My ex was that way and he has turned out to be the most insecure and contolling person i ever knew. Carefull! Rocks ahead!

[heartbroken23]

Ok, heres my opinion...if you want to break up with him for being too controling or posessive, then that is a rational reason. However, if your reason for wanting to break up with him is because you feel "Hot" and "attractive" now, and guys notice you, then that is really messed up. Congrats on losing the weight and feeling good about yourself, but to break up with a guy that fell in love with you the way you were because you now feel you can get someone better, that is truly low. Hopefully that is not the main reason for wanting to end it. If it is because he is controliing, why not try to talk with him about it and if he doesn't stop, break up with him.

[peaceloveunderstanding]

the only thing i can say is dont confuse comfort with happiness.

[Strictly4MyGrind]

Sorry but if you now think that because you look better and have lost weight that you somewhat too good in a way for your b.f then thats messed up. Its the inner beauty that actually does count and many people dont see that he obviosuly saw that in you. He genueinly cares about you yet youd rather have some guy that will like you for your looks. And i can guess all they want is to get into your pants. Now tell me the guy that actually loves you and always will even if you put a few pounds on or you can have someone who likes you for your looks and thats about it. But its really up to you if you dont love him anymore or like him and are not happy then find someone else. Because if your not happy in the end he wont be either. Gudluck.

[phishgirl]

I have never considered breakng up with my bf becaue now I consider myself more"attractive" to others Point is, my self-confidence with others is higher than it's ever been. I'm not attracted to anyone else. However, my boyfriend and Ihave planned to move to his hometown of Chicago where he's from. He hasnt started looking for a new job yet, but he hopes to be moved by Sept., when his sister's twins are due. At one point lately, my boyfriend noticed how messy his apartmetn was. He said, "Maybel I'll just move in to your place", joking about how he woudl rather move than clean his hideously messy place. I instictively said, "NO!" Which I explained to him that he should simply just clean his place. He got offended, MAYBE, maybe not jokingly, that

never mind, geez, I didn't know you felt that way", etc. I thought about the comments later and wondered, "Do I REALLY not want him living with me?" I value TREMENDOUSLY my time alone and my bf gets offended if I want to hang out by myself at times. Do you think this is any kind of sign or not?

[phishgirl]

To clarify my situation, my bf and I have been together 4 years. The initial 2 were great, as I was in a new relationship and our interests were matched. I was sexually attracted to him as new lovers are, and I was aggressive until 2 years ago. Since then, he an I have "gone through the movements" infrequently, as I have lost my drive/attraction for him sexually. We've tried sex toys, but ultimately I've felt more of a`best-friend love than a lover. It feels weird now that he tries anything sexual on me. Is there any wayto fix this between us? I know his sex drive is high, as is mine. But I feel weird and uncomfortable engaging in sexual activity with him despite having sexual desire (about anyone ese). Is this normal, or shoud I seek counseling, or break up wth him altogether?

[Cyndane]

I think you need to ask yourself seriously - WHY are you in this relationship still if there are things which make you unhappy? Because to me, you've already given yourself reasons why you should be leaving your bf. So what's stopping you? Is it the postive things that you're holding onto, the positive things which are fulfilling to you in this relationship?

 

I can certainly understand that you might be fearful of leaving. As this is your first bf, you may fear never meeting anyone who'll love you same way, treat you the same etc. And truth is, there is no guarantee that you'll meet someone better once you leave. But that is the risk everyone has to take. And if you're someone who prefers security rather taking a punt at the unknown, then my advice to you would be to stay.

 

I'm sorry if this wasn't much help. Good luck with everything.

[ty99]

My girlfriend of 5 years did the exact same thing to me that you are going through now in april (only i wasnt controlling). Same thing. Everything.

 

Here is my suggestion, because although this is about you, he has just as much invested in this situation as you. If you think rationally, you are doing what my girlfriend did the last few weeks of being together, you sound pretty mentally checked out of the relationship at this point.

My girlfriend/best friend of over 5 years just walked on me for the same reasons as you, started dating someone 2-3 weeks later and has yet to look back. This has been devasting for me and is going to effect me for the rest of my life.

 

A dream situation for me would have been that she just laid her real feelings down on the table (all of them) said she was going to breakup with me if things didnt really change. Scare the crap out of me by going away from me for 3-4 days (that is what makes them really think) but be prepared for desperate pleas, but make it clear that you value the 4 years and will give another honest effort. See what happens and if changes start to take place. If not then make what ever decision you need. But the thing that has KILLED me inside is never having a REAL opportunity to fix the problems.

 

You have someone who loves you. Do what you feel is right, but remember, everything always looks more exciting once you have been with someone for a while. Then after 6 months of someone new, it is going to be slowly sliding back to how you feel now. Whether we like it or not, relationships get comfortable (that doesnt have to mean boring) but over time that is just what happens.

 

I dont know what else to say, but if you dont want to make it really really really hard for him to get over, give him that real second chance right now, then he will have noone to blame but himself. You have nothing to loose, if it works out perfect, you will be incredibly happy, if it doesnt atleast it had a honest effort put forth.

 

I am a firm believer ( i wish my ex was too) that after that length of time in a relationship (as long as there is no phyisical abuse,etc.....) that people have to EARN there way out of the relationship. You seem to be thinking you want out right now and to be honest seem to be looking for things that will make it more justifiable to you (again, i am not sure, i dont really know you at all, just an impression).

[phishgirl]

Thanks, Ty, for your honest response of what it's like on the other side. Like your girlfriend, I have not REALLY addressed these issues with my boyfriend point-blank. We had a rocky spell around 6 months ago when I was going out with my guy friends at work a lot and basically "choosing them over (him)" at the time. I felt so trapped, yet freed at the same time that I was hanging out! I know I shouldn't have, but I vented to them my frustrations about my relationship with him, making them even more unlikely to accept him when he came along at times to hang out. Your experience with your gf is exactly what my boyfriend is reacting to. He has no real clue how doubtful I am about moving to Chicago with him. I need to simply confront him about my feelings, I know. But it's so hard! It feels like every time I think I'm ready to talk about these things with him I get all emotional, like it feels like I'm already trying to break up with him. I suppose I'll have to work up the nerve ASAP before he commits to a job in Chicago and let him know how I feel. Ty, thanks for your input from the male perspective. I respect your POV and realize that I need to talk to my boyfriend about these issues. After all, what do I have to lose?

[lanat2]

I know that it has been years since this has happened but I'm going through the same situation right now and I would like to know how your's turned out??