Nothing left to lose--Advice on what to do next please.

[shorty4ever15]

Hey everybody,

 

Some of you people that have been here for several months may remember my posts from last fall.

 

Well... to make a long story short--and just to give a little bit of info about my situation--I am currently a questioning 19 year old male. I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter. I've been kind of a loner my whole life. Well, my senior year in high school I encountered this person that would become both the best and worst parts of my life in the years since. This person was another male that I fell in love with. Nobody ever knew how I felt about him. Me and him were just very good friends, that would've done nething for eachother. He didnt know that i might be gay, nobody for that matter knew. Well time goes on and we went to separate colleges, our friendship was distanced but we still remained fairly close. I started setting into a pretty severe state of depression. Between being parted with the only peer that I have come to love and fighting with the fact that i was indeed in love with another male, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I made it through and I finally excepted that he would never be the person I wanted to be and I learned to "part from him". Now he went into his second year of college and I became a drop-out. He slowly and slowly starting forgetting his past--by that i mean his friends and family from "home"--and he became quite arrogant and at times annoying to listen to or even be around. At the beginning of this year I finally built up enough courage to seek help. I told my parents what I've been going through and even came out to another good friend that is completely accepting. I starting seeing a therapist and am currently taking anti-depressants.

 

Now herein is where the problem lies. I have reached a point where I feel as if I have nothing to lose anymore. I think I might be gay, though I still currently "label" myself as bi since i really have no experience either way. Three people in this world know about what I've gone through. and the one person that doesnt even know me is the person that is supposed to be my "best friend". Well last night I had a long chat with my one friend that knows and we talked a good majority about this person that is above mentioned. He is also friends with him and has noticed his changing attitude toward us. We both felt the same "rejection" from him as a friend. He really feels that he still cares about us but is just currently getting caught up in his new life.

 

Well, in the midst of all this I did something that I know I shouldn't have done. I asked him to speak with this person and give him light to my situation. I dont know why I did it. I think it is just simply because I know that i could never build up enough courage to do something that could quite possibly mean ending one of the best things that has been a part of my life.....A part of me knows he is going to hate me when he finds out and that part kept me from telling him and just keeping things they were. Yet, there is this small part of me that says he will understand and be a "true friend" and that part of me is what forced me to do what I did. Come the end of this Summer, It will probably be the last time that our small little close group of great friendships will be in the same place at one time and I dont want it to end with me living a lie to my "friends". I want them to know who I am. I want to be able to go and do something with my one friend and not worry about hiding nething....i want to be with him and him be with me knowing all well that i might be gay.

 

I have been driving myself absolutely nuts during this past 20 hours just waiting. I know that this really isnt the way I should've approached this, but can it really be that bad. Whats the worst that can happen? I lose a friend that was already seeming to turn his back on us to begin with.

 

Sorry for such the long post, but I really just need some peoples advice and support here. I have been doing absolutely nothing towards trying to find out who i am. I think that this could be a good first step towards a "new life".

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

sincerely,

~shorty

[Opiate]

Well, yes that is a fairly long post but i must say, this isnt the end of the world, this will give you a chance for your friends to finally get to know the real you, and if your friends are as loyal as you say they are then everything will be great. Your right, that might have not been the the right way to approach the situation, but like i said, if all goes well then great, if not and he and/or your friends reject you, well then too bad. You were just expressing the way you truly feel and there is nothing wrong with that. You can always make new friends and there are plenty more fish in the sea.

[mgirl]

I agree with Opiate! You may not have gone about it the right way but it could have been worse.

 

Friends come and go and i don't know many people, or gay people more precisely, who are still in touch with their school friends, which is a shame. But don't worry, you will make new ones. And also, i think you are better off being honest. You can't live in the closet for ever and sooner or later you will have to be out.

[Cadence308]

shorty, great to hear from you again! Too bad it's due to an intense situation.

 

You are trying to find and be yourself and nobody should judge you for that and if they do, then they aren't a friend. This so-called best friend hasn't really been acting as a friend to you and your other friend, so does it really matter if he completely turns his back on you now? I heard you answer this yourself in your thread:

Whats the worst that can happen? I lose a friend that was already seeming to turn his back on us to begin with.

 

I think the hardest part of coming out is the fear of rejection. You are learning who you are and afraid that others will not accept you once they find out. It's hard, I know. Sometimes I feel like I'm morphing into a different organism. And there's times when I am definitely questioning my sexuality, like "What in the hell am I doing?"

 

I've been lucky to have met a few lesbians here in Seattle where I just moved a few months ago. They have been supportive in that I can call them whenever to talk about things. They told me that once I found a group of lesbians to hang out with then everything else would fall into place. I think it helps to know people who share your sexual orientation because it helps solidify it rather than make you think you are crazy for being that way. It then leads to a sense of acceptance, is what I'm told.

 

I still keep in touch with many friends that I grew up with since elementary. I know that's rare. But, my friends from elementary that I still keep in touch with still do not know that I am gay. I haven't found the right time to tell them and I may decide to be out to some people and not out to others. Anyway, Sometimes we outgrow our friends and it sounds like you've outgrown this guy.

 

I would just continue to try to find yourself and become friends with as many people as you can. This guy doesn't sound worth the time and energy!

[pianoguy]

Wow, your situation is astonshingly similar to mine- my post "roommate crush" I posted a while ago.

 

I think that what you're doing is courageous, healthy, and wonderful. It may have been better to tell him face to face, but I understand the fear of rejection from someone who seems like your whole world, like an angel... I never did get the courage to tell John my orientation and feelings for him. It just seemed too much... I was already hanging from a thread already, and to risk that crushing rejection... it was just too much.

 

I hope and pray that your love doesn't reject you, but even if he does, it can be a mixed blessing. It's true, you have little to lose since you don't really have a chance at the relationship you want and even your friendship is slowly decaying as most friendships do eventually. And it can spur you to seek someone else, preferably someone who is also gay. The heart sometimes gets so full of love for one person it can't even think about other people... sometimes it needs to be emptied to make room for someone else.

 

I hope things turn out alright and keep us posted. I know what you are going through.