male lack of sex drive.............

[lon71]

hi,

 

to cut a long story short, ive been having problems with my partner for several years. he is a good man, provides well, doesnt cheat etc but he doesnt want any physical affection.........no hugs, cuddles kisses or sex.

we've come a long way and ive been through alot of hurt, my self esteem and confidence fell etc but we are now talking more. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but he rarely makes love to me. average is once a month, the longest we went without was 6 weeks. sex is always initiated by me and when we do have sex its normally because i have nagged or complained that i want some love and affection.

to say ive tried everything is an understatement..........when we do have sex, its not good any more as i know that hes not really enjoying whats hes doing, this is affecting me and i now rarely orgasm when we do have sex.

he has no one else. i really dont know what his problem is. ive spoke to so many of my friends and they say their men want sex alot and its them that normally dont want it less.

i long for someone to come onto me for a change and to want sex. my partner will sit and watch tv rather than make a move on me.

i feel angry that my partner is not even trying to meet my needs, if he really loves me why cant he show it? i feel so hurt and upset about all of this and i now know that i have to decide whether or not i can stay in this relationship without sex, im not a sex maniac and dont have a high sex drve but its about the love and affection. i feel neglected and unloved, but most of all i feel very confused. my partner has had a chance to leave and ive also spoke to him alot lately and he says he loves me and wants to be here..............so why wont he show me any physical affection?

are there any males out there that have been through this?

[taimeen]

u say u had this problem for several years, how long have u been together, or was this a problem from the start?

[Caldus]

Either:

 

A) He really does have a low sex drive.

B) Something is wrong with the relationship that has not been communicated by either of you yet.

[jnelson]

Have you gained a lot of weight since you started dating or has anything drastically changed in your physical appearance?

[Cynder]

Was he single for a long time before you met? I could be wrong but I have heard that when someone goes a long time with no sex their sex drive lowers. I don't know how true that is though.

Good Luck

[DN]

Has he always been like this or is this fairly recent. How old is he? Is it possible there is something physically wrong with him?

[lon71]

hi,

hes 36, im 34, we've been together for 12 years, i wouldnt say hes ever had a high sex drive and i suppose we always did it about twice a week, this went down to once a week then to once a month etc.

he was more loving before, and i accept that things will never be exactly the same as the beginning of our relationship.

 

he says i over react when he doesnt want me, as i get upset sometimes, but he doesnt realise that over the years i really thought it was my problem why he didnt want me. i now realise its his problem.

 

i have put on weight since we first met, but over the last year i have been working on my appearance and self esteem. i have lost a stone and a half, i take more pride in myself and buy nice clothes so i look good when we go out. i feel so much better in myself. one evening i got into bed with nice underwear on, a matching thong and bra set........i was rejected by him. this particular night i was devastated. for me to make so much effort, i have worked for months on my self esteem, i take more pride in myself now and still he chose to reject me..........can u imagine how this made me feel?

 

i think that one problem i have with my partner is the fact that he doesnt see he has a problem. from his point of view, its perfectly ok for him to treat me like this, hes not bothered about sorting himself out to show me some love and affection...........so what chance do i have?

 

what exactly causes this in men? at first i blamed myself, thinking i was fat or ugly or he didnt want me. i take more pride in myself, im losing weight and i look better, he says he loves me and wants to be here...........so i refuse to blame myself anymore.

[DN]

Time to have a serious talk with him about this - with your clothes on and the lights on.

[taimeen]

so ur relationship was not always like this meaning he must also realize that there is a change. It seems you have communicated with him to express what you are feeling but he's just not getting it or seeing your point of view. Try again. Try to explain it in a way he will understand, take something you know he likes and use it as an example. Also make it clear how much this means to you how much it hurts you and how devastating it can be to the relationship if it continues...lastly try counseling.

[darkblue]

Sit down and talk about it.

 

He says he loves you so he'll be able to tell you if something is wrong.

 

If he says nothing is wrong; the problems are deeper.

[lon71]

hi,

 

thanks again for your replies.

 

you are right............i definitely need to talk to him, with the lights on and my clothes on. last night he came onto me, this was only because we had words the night before over his rejection of me. this time i pushed him away, i will not have him sleep with me to shut me up because we argued. i want sex to be a 2 way thing, enjoyed by both, not an act to shut the other one up.

 

the same pattern always occurs............we argue because he rejects me so a night or two later he will make a move on me or accept my advances, hes not into the sex in a major way and i end up feeling like hes only done it to keep me happy. in other words, if he has sex with me, it will shut me up for a bit and he can stay away from me for another month. im not saying this is what is intentionally happening, but its how i feel and how his actions are coming accross in this situation.

 

also, i dont know if this is normal in men, but 99% of the times we do have sex i have to give him oral before hes hard enough to have sex. sorry to be so open. i dont mind, i am quite happy to please my partner, but sometimes it would be nice for him to be hard already and wanting me, i would love it for him to be turned on already then make a move on me, this would make me feel attractive and wanted if that makes sense.

is this normal in all men, when we do have sex, i always have a chore to make him hard by oral before we have sex, sometimes it takes ages to go hard and i end up feeling like im doing something wrong or that im so unattractive i cant even give him oral and make him go hard. i read books and i know im doing things right and what im doing he should be loving it.

 

does he have a deeper rooted problem that he cant admit too or he is normal? so for now, im not going to have any sexual contact with him, i refuse to be rejected anymore, or to be made to feel that there is something so badly wrong with me that im not sexually wanted.

[DN]

I understand that you feel hurt and rejected but you are highly unlikely to make the situation better by behaving as you describe. This is a problem that needs to be solved by both of you in a warm, loving and supportive way - not with recriminations and retaliation.

 

It may well be he has physical or emotional issues that are causing this and is deeply unhappy but highly embarrassed by them. If it is that, the chance are that it is not that he does not find you desirable, or does not love you, but that he has something like erectile dysfunction, or something of that nature. If you put added pressure on him it can only make the situation worse. This needs delicate handling and he should certainly get professional help.

[Shadows Light]

Ion... I agree with previous posts you need to broach the subject with him with the lights on. And as delicately a you try to make it... men are not comfortable talking about these things.

 

I tried it all too.. and I bought all the lingerie and acoutrements.... and really started to worry about myself. What the hell.. couldn't be me... guys are forever flirting with me... so I'm no ugly duckling... whats the deal.

 

And then I found... now this is my situation ... so don't go reading into it... I found Gay Porn on our computer... when I asked about it.. he lied.. said they were pop-ups. When I asked about it again.... he came up with an excuse... when I found out these were NO pop-ups or Temp files..but down loaded pix... and put into a file.. I flipped a gasket. And his explanation..."he was curious".......

 

hhhmmmmmmm lets see.... I'm getting almot no sex... no loving... and lots of excuses....and he's curious about gay porn... 100's of pix in a saved folder.... hmmmmmmm. And I've been with this man for 18 years!!!!!!!

 

Sssssssssssssssooooooooooooo you can say that I'm not being ever so sensitive or gentle with him. Flat out called him out... and he didn't even get mad... just said... its not like that..... oooooooookkkkkkk survey says..... the worst thing you can do to a heterosexual man is accuse him of being homosexual... quote.."thems fighting words.. gloves are off..." ummm hmmmm. Sooooo ... I feel for you lady... I don't know what to tell you except... if you are un-happy ...then you need to do something about it..and you are in a relationship... you should be able to talke about sensitive subjects....

[lon71]

hi again,

 

thank you so much for your replies, ive been offered some good advice.

 

for ages i convinced myself it was because my partner has a demanding job and hes so tired all the time. lately hes hardly had any work and still he does not want sex, so tiredness was not the main problem.

 

im very confused, i dont understand why someone can say they love you but they wont show you any physical affection. hes not the easiest of people to talk to, hes very inward, and when i try to talk to him he would leave me rather than try to talk and sort things out. i dont have a high sex drive, but i enjoy sex, its a fun part of a relationship and i enjoy love and affection. i am seeing a therapist at the moment and ive been taking her advice on the situation, but he just wont give me any physical affection. im now at the point where i am fed up with trying, i cant keep trying if i get nothing back at all.

 

beacuse i cant talk to him, ive decided to write a letter. hes destroying any love i have for him, and i am a mixture of emotions and feelings. i cannot afford for this situation to destroy my confidence and self esteem again. the hurt this situation has caused me is awful.

[DN]

I know this is horrible for you but it does not necessarily mean he does not love you. If there is something wrong with him physically or mentally then it could well be that it has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you.

 

Again, it is really important that you approach this in a loving way, not an accusatory way. Make it a problem that affects both of you and needs to be solved by both of you in a mutually supportive way. It is going to be hard if he is very reluctant to talk about it but if you love him it should be worth the effort.