just a lil confused

[shorty20]

ok, so i've been dating this guy for almost a month now. I don't know what to do. I told him to go real slow... if you've read my past posts you'll know what I'm talking about. But now he's kind of starting to act weird. I mean, I think it could possibly be just him trying to take things slow and not scare me off.... but it's making me wonder. I ALWAYS initiate everything... whenever we hang out, it's always me. I will say something like "if you're not too tired after your game, give me a call and maybe we can hang out." he always acts real excited about it, but he NEVER initiates it, and it's really starting to bug me. He says he wants to be friends for a while, because he dosen't want to scare me off... then he kisses me...then he says that we moved to fast, he dosen't want me to stop talking to him for another year and a half.... then he kisses me again.... says that he wants it but he dosent want it... that he dosen't date smokers (i've been quit for 2 whole days now!! yay me!!!) so I just really don't know what to do. I'm just so confused... i don't want to chase... i want him to initiate, but I'm afraid if i stop initiating he'll think i'm not interested anymore! Any help, advice... anything would help. Also, in the past, every relationship I've been in i've seen the person like all the time (4 or 5 times a week) but I'm trying to not let this guy control my life... so I'm trying to only see him once or twice a week, but it just kinda makes me feel like he's not that into me that he dosen't want to see me more than that.... could that just be a mind set that I have from past relationship?? I really am just so confused.

[smallworld]

Hey Shorty, I've been keeping up with your posts and this guy is special. He sounds like he really cares for you, but is just scared of screwing things up and losing you for good. No judgement on my part, but from a shy person's standpoint, I can't think of anything more terrifying than the fear of screwing up and never hearing from that person again. There's only one reason why a guy would put his heart on the line for someone who's broken it before, but I'll let him tell you that himself someday.

 

Smoking isn't about him. It's about your fear of being controlled. But this guy isn't trying to make you stop on a whim. He genuinely disliked smoking before he met you and as a non-smoker it's clear as day to me that he's bending this "dealbreaker" for you because he really likes you. If he's pushing you to stop, it's because he cares and wants to be with you for the long haul. If you were going to stop smoking anyway, why not use his love/encouragement as a catalyst to stop?

 

As for who initiates, I know this isn't romantic, but if you want him to initiate more, you're going to have to tell him exactly what you want and what you expect of him. He doesn't know where the boundaries are, so he holds back. I think if you were clearer about all this, you'd find him happily pouncing on you at the first available opportunity.

 

PS. Congrats on not smoking for 2 days! WTG!

[QTpie87]

I would talk to him about it. be like I don't understand, don't act like your mad though cause that could freak him out, guys don't like to deal with pissed off girls lol.

anyways yeah it sounds like he does care about you and doesn't really know how to handle things.

id just talk to him.

good luck.

Qtpie87

[lisica]

I did not read the previous threads, but based on what I see here, my suggestion is to give him some more space. As hard as it may be, do not initiate things yourself for a week or so, and leave everything up tp him! Don't you think he likes to chase you a bit (typical male behaviour)? Maybe he is a lot slower than you in this department, so he did not get any chance so far because you are too quick in doing everything for him?

 

If you don't call him or don't suggest things for a week, I expect he will definitely wonder what happened and if you are still interested. So he will have to take some initiative and ask you about it, right? And even in the worst case scenario, like when he is too hesitant, after a week you can initiate contact again. So nothing lost, but a lot to gain!

 

I would prefer all of this over talking to him and explaining him explicitly that you want him to take initiative. Because, quite frankly, that is a bit bossy and controlling behaviour - especially since you are together for just a month now. And it might give him the feeling that he is doing this wrong now, which might make him more hesitant/insecure in the future.

[ShySoul]

I've also followed our other posts and this guy sounds just like me and the situation is one I've just dealt with. He's scared of messing up, ruining something that means so much to him. So he holds back, not sure how far he should take. But in doing that he risks messing up by not just going for it when you both want it. Plus the fact that things didn't work out with you before has him confused over what to do, go for it all and put his heart on the line or try to play it cool?

 

How much have you told him about how you feel on this? Have you let him know clearly what you expect? Talk with him about it and say that you need him to initate things more, that it would make you feel like he really cares about you and how much you would appreciate it. He probably really wants to but is scared. That extra little push should hopefully get him moving.

 

Waiting a week and not suggesting anything could backfire on you. He may panic and think you want to be around him less since you distanced yourself from him a bit.

 

The guy should do the initating, and for some of us its hard too do. But if he knows how badly you want it, then he should be willing to set the fear aside and do it. It makes the girl happy, and when a guy is truly crazy about a girl making her happy is his top concern.