what do i do now?

[lgirl]

[sorry, this is a bit long folks!]

 

actually feel a bit pathetic asking for advice, but it's been almost 3 months since my ldr bf said he wanted to break-up totally out of the blue, then cheated on me (he said it was a "mistake" and "totally out of character" for him) while I was trying to deal with the shock, struggling to work out what I'd done so 'wrong' to be treated so badly by someone who had always been so devoted and loving. We had SO many plans for our (very committed) future together (marriage, babies, the works).

 

But to compound my misery, he kept me hanging on for over a month, told me he didn't want to lose me, that he loved me etc – even said the way to put things right would be to get me pregnant, then I'd "never get rid of" him, he said. But instead of straightening things out, like he said, he prolonged the hurt – said he'd call me and then not, messing me around when he'd always been so consistent. He turned out to be so different to who I thought he was. So gut-less and weak. Not the man i loved.

 

he turned so cold towards me, got so angry with me for the 'failure' of the relationship, blamed me for his failings. all he had to do was get a job. in the 18months we were together, he only managed to get crummy factory jobs – less than 3 months work in all that time. The money he did make (never more than $200/wk for often 12hr days) went on airfares to see me. but I only saw him 3 times last year (sometimes with 4-month gaps in between – he visited twice), so i don't see how he can make me the excuse for not establishing his career or making progress.

 

(I should add at this point that he's 33 and has the employment record of a high-school grad.) But according to him, he's got "nothing to show for all this time" he's been with me, he's "empty-handed and no further forward than 2 years ago", for which he blames me. (he owes about $3,000 apiece on his credit cards, which he relied on instead of finding work, even though i urged him right from the start to be cautious).

 

my problem is that even though I can say he was a total dog for the way he treated me, that I didn't deserve such bad behaviour, that even though I can see I'm better off without him in the long run, that he was pulling me down with the sheer weight of the emotional support he needed (all our plans depended on him securing work), and that he would've dragged me down even further; that we had no real future to speak of because he clearly can't hack it, I'm still thinking about him, I still miss 'him'. have written pages and pages of my 'journal', trying to get it all out of my system, figure out what went wrong and how, but feel no futher forward.

 

I'm in tears nearly every day, feel hopeless about my future, feel that my confidence has been knocked so badly it's on the floor. I'm depressed and can't seem to stop thinking about how he betrayed me; when I wake up, am assailed by memories of him or details about the break-up before I've even opened my eyes. Have even felt suicidal at times, so low about it all, so sad; have really taken his rejection to heart.

 

I feel so annoyed with myself for still feeling so hooked into 'him'. I want to move on, but I feel so stuck. It's like he has all the power (it was his decision to break-up, so he's in the driving seat, it feels like to me) and I've been left to pick up the pieces, clear up HIS mess, while he escapes censure or any repercussions for his despicable behaviour. Surely, what goes around comes around, he will face repercussions for his actions?

 

the only comfort I get is thinking how he'll come to regret what he did (in such haste and causing so much hurt that could've been avoided). Can't understand how you can love someone so deeply, then hurt them so badly and not even show remorse – haven't had a decent apology from him even. he WAS such a lovely, considerate, kind guy. But that kind of thinking just gets too negative…

 

so how do I put all this behind me once and for all and stop beating myself up about it? I know time is meant to be a great healer, but I need more immediate, tangible help. the grief has taken over my life and i think I've paid a high enough price now for all the good times I did have with him. I'm still paying by not being able to switch off from it. Don't know how to draw a line under the whole damaging experience. Think the fact it was a ldr has made sense of closure harder – wrote him a letter telling him like it is, but it's not the same as telling a person. It feels so passive.

 

What do I do now? I don't understand why I don't just spit on his memory and get on with my life, glad to be free of such a loser instead of wanting 'my boyfriend' back. How can I free myself from this toxic mess? stop hurting so much? I just want to feel better.

 

[PS thanks for sticking it out until the end and reading such a long post!]

[enotjcalone]

Well sometimes when something really aren't good for you you've got to let it go. Maybe it really was the better thing for even the both of you to end this relationship?

You shouldn't let someone affect your confidence. Why give anyone the power?

Stop focusing on the betrayal, anger, hate etc. and start focusing on the positive things without him.

Do you talk to any of your friends and family about this. You need a source of support it really helps.

[passions1]

You past relationship with your ex sounds almost similar to mine as well with the long distance & talking about the future. I agree time is the best healer, but so are your family/friends to support you through your difficult time.

 

In terms of closure, do what ever you need to feel more relieved, but at the same time do ask yourself, will it matter regardless of what he says or does to you anytime soon or later? Do keep in mind that he said several things, but they were empty words. Since he may not necessarily say or do what you would like to hear from him. Every individual operates in different ways, so he could have a simple answer as "I don't know why" & so forth. So please don't overanalyze, it's not worth your sanity.

 

I was able to heal better by going out & spending time with my friends & myself. Learned new activities, hobbies. Dating other men helped out quite tremendously because it shows you all the other men that could treat you so much better than your ex! You may initially go through some great guys & it won't work out because you aren't fully over you ex, but that's understandable as well (rebound people happen).

 

I was also realized that how I viewed some men romantically in the past was by wearing my heart on my sleeve & not seeing the whole picture realistically. Now I am with a guy that treats much better & is more similar to my character as a whole!

[animatrix]

You know hun? Some people, like your boyfriend, are just born losers period. Why? I don't know. It's like asking why did God let the tsumani happen and so many people died. It just happens. You say he was considerate and loving, maybe you were looking at him through those rose coloured glasses called love. Because in describing his life, he sounds anything but considerate or loving. Be happy he's gone. I have been heartbroken before and thought it would kill me but guess what? I'm still here and stronger for it. Take some time to heal. Keep writing in your journal, post notes to yourself on the wall reminding yourself how great you are, cry, talk to your family and friends, exercise. You will get over this and have a great life. And you'll eventually wonder "What the hell did I ever see in that loser?"

[GettingOverIt]

You are definitely wearing rose-colored glasses, but it is obvious you are also trying very hard to get those off! You say you've been writing about things, so write down all the CRAP he has put you through, the horrible ways he has made you feel about yourself...

 

Get out of the house - go running/jogging, find some friends to play mini-golf with or something just as goofy! Now is the time to FORCE yourself to have fun, even though you may not feel like having it! Right now, you may have to 'fake it' to yourself...

 

I love the idea of posting notes on the wall with your good qualities on them! Yes, it will take time... But if ya'd like someone to talk one-on-one with, feel free to PM me or someone else on here... It will get better. You will make it through!