Is it just a case of time heals and makes things clearer?

[richiet]

I have been following this forum for a while and learnt quite a few tips, especially the NC rule for healing and regaining your sanity. However, I have only read one success story where the couple ended up marrying years later. Are there any more???

 

Anyway, my story:

 

I dated someone for 5 years and then ended it because I could not see it being the one I was going to marry. She had awesome traits - trustworthy, loyal, smart, never cheated, lied, swore, smoked, drank etc...but there were some things that bugged me.

 

At the end of last year (2 months after the above split) a girl 8 years younger than me (I am 28 ) walked into my life and was an absolute breath of fresh air. We clicked from the first minute. She was beautiful, fun, caring, sexy and loving. In 6 months I got way past the point where I was in 5 years with the above. At first she chased me down and I told her I was not keen on being serious because I was scared of getting hurt. However, after 3 months when I started getting told I was the son-in-law by the mom, she told me she wanted to marry me and travel the world with me, have 2 kids, where the honeymoon would be etc. I fell for her HARD. I took her everywhere, bought her stuff all the time, chatted up the folks, hers loved mine etc etc...it was almost too good to be true. Probably just young talk and fun 'n games but I sure took it seriously and started dreaming.

 

Then out the blue she says she is going for a ladies night at a pub. I was getting some signs she needed space so I left her. My house mate was there that night and saw her with her climbing partner (a married guy) and the 2 girls she was with and another climbing guy. Now this guy I was never allowed to meet properly, his wife and her don't see eye-to-eye and there were uncomfy signs that she just brushed over all the time. The guy is 32 and at the beginning of the relationship I saw some SMS'es from him about her scent being on her fleece etc and she said she wished he was unmarried and she wouldn't mind kissing him, that they do everything together and he takes her to viewsites and holds her etc. But we were so in love and they spent no time together in the beginning that it didn't bug me. I confronted her about the issue (she doesn't like confrontation or fights at all) and she said they only SMS about climbing. Found out he had sent "Night girl" to her that night and she had deleted one I sent her. Anyway, I went around to her house in the early hours after that evening and she broke it off. It was so uncalled for and out the blue. I handled so well, dropped her stuff off and just let her SMS'es flow in with guilt after that while I played it cool.

 

After a week of playing it cool I felt like I could have her back so we had a drink and chatted through the trust issue. She told me I had nothing to worry about and she doesn't want to hear about it again. I might have come accross as a bit desperate but she was 100% normal for like 1 week again. Then some funny signals when she climbed again. She kept saying I was paranoid and nothing was going to happen. So I wrote her an email and she replied and basically divulged that she didn't care for me as much as in the beginning but that she still loved me and that I was an amazing, gentle, caring, sexy, polite guy who gives her everything she wants but she is just not seriously thinking like me about marriage etc. I didn't ever put pressure on her because I knew she was young although I DEFINITELY knew this was the one. I suppose different life stages. So she broke it off and said we should stay apart for 1 week. Some nice messages followed about thanking me for the good times etc. 4 days later some arb message and then the next was she wanted to have a drink with me the next week...if I want. I said to name a date and place and that's fine. Nothing for a week and then she sends me one to say that she's been really busy and is stressing for exams. Now I am really confused. My house mate happens to see her out at the same pub that night and she rocks in at 10pm for a tequila with this married guy and tells my mate how stressed she is and asks how I am doing. I eventually snapped and thought this married guy must be the real reason for our split. So I sent her some nasty SMS'es she ignored, left a nice voicemail and then went to her house in the early hours again. She took the gate buzzer off the hook and so I climbed the gate and tapped on her window! She eventually came out and I said I just wanted to chat and she never took calls around this guy. She shouted and said I had no right to be there. I knew it was OVER and she had moved on so I sent a msg to 2 of her mates and told them a secret we shared that I knew would hurt. She eventually told me very clearly to stay out of her life.

 

I felt good for a few days and then had the hugest guilt on my shoulders. I apologised profusely via text. Then I hurt badly...crying, replaying the whole relationship, mad at God, the whole trip. I didn't know I had that in me, she didn't either and it scared me. Everyone tells me I am so solid and genuine.

 

That was about 2 months ago. About a week ago I tried sending a friendly text (silly me) and got no response. We haven't seen each other and I think we are trying to stay off each other's turf to heal from the madness. Not sure how I would handle if I saw her. The unanswered questions (about the guy - if there was ever anything), how she might be feeling now (I know she has mentioned me to mates out before and tried to win them over by telling them I am psycho etc but they know it is not my character). The fact that she deliberately talks to them about me makes me think that she might not be over me??

 

One of her climbing friends said the best thing is to leave her alone for a long time, let her have other boyfriends, grow up and then maybe we bump into each other again. It can happen - I have an ex after me 7 years later we re-met and although she ended it I don't want her back now.

 

Nevertheless, this 20yo girl is something special. Yes, there is a weird relationship with the married guy but I refuse to believe we were that in love and we shared so many hopes and dreams and I was her first serious guy and now she has dismissed me. I would have her back but it would have to be slow. BUT I think this one has gone.

 

YOur opinions on my story? Any similarities? Is it just time guys? What do I do if I see her out? Do I also hold my breath forever and let her as the dumper break NC? Should I stay away from her best friend (she rates me as a good guy for her)? Do I find a prettier girl to make her jealous?

With time will she value the relationship and remember the good 6 months and not the bad 30 minutes?

 

At the moment I am just focusing on keeping busy, getting more spiritual, renewing friendships, being generous, getting a new wardrobe and getting my body looking healthy. I guess a happy person will filter back to her?

[DN]

At the moment I am just focusing on keeping busy, getting more spiritual, renewing friendships, being generous, getting a new wardrobe and getting my body looking healthy.

 

You should do this for your own sake, but I think you should consider the relationship over permanently and move on. You went way over the top, but her relationship with this guy does seem somewhat suspect and she should have made you feel lot more secure. Bottom line - for whatever reason, she is not ready for a relationship with you for whatever reason.

[chai714]

It seemed as if you were not very close to her, and that you never REALLY trusted her, nor had a close relationship with her. By the way, a strong friendship and trust are the strongest foundation for all relationships. She lied to you, and is running around with a married man. I think the biggest part of you wanting her back is the mere fact that stems back to human nature: wanting what we can't have. Despite her young age, you exhibited some impulsive behavior (such as going to her house in the early morning, leaving nasty text messages) which caused even more damage in your short relatioship with her.

 

At this point, the best thing for you is to stay away from her. She's young, does not know what she wants (whether it be you, a married man, or God knows who else) and is likely to cause you further unnecessary heartache. Remember, you are in control here so take charge and exercise better judgement when dealing with her. My advice is to stay away from her for a while . ....she's got a lot of growing up to do, and her heart is not with you right now.

[PlayBrat]

I hate saying this but you sound kind of obsessed. I know we have ALL

done things we regret, with the going to her house , etc, believe me I have had my psycho moments!! Right now ..THAT is the image she has been left with...of you being psycho. That's a hard image to forget. It might take quite some time before she can see you in a different light. That sort of behavior is kind of frightening.

I say give her a GOOD six months of NC. I know it's hard believe me. Right now you want to right this wrong and the BEST thing you can do is sit still with your emotions. Suck it up. Learn from this. Do not push the issue. Keep exercising, stay busy, just live your life. In the meantime...who knows what might happen. Also keep posting here, it will help. Good luck!!

[cowboyway]

Yahoo brother. I went through the exact same thing. Same age gap I 38 she was 30. My story was quite similar after we broke up. I was like a little kid, because I was thinking with my feelings instead of thinking with my head. See we were together for 2.5years talking about getting engaged, and then we had a bad month of arguing. Neither one of us really acted our best. At first I ended the relationship, but then thought about it and called back in about twenty minutes later, and said lets try to work things out. She said no and she needed a break. I then begged and pleaded lowering my self worth so much that I became her emotional puppy dog and boy did she pull away. I waited about three months to clear my head, but then heard through the grapevine she was dating someone else. Second test failed, of course I went up to her work waited till she got out of course and chewed her out, Thus having the cops called on me, how embarrassing was that. Third test failed sent a Christmas card with all my feelings then called when I got no response, thus having the cops call me again. See the key thing here is never loose your cool even if you do not get any closure. All Men and Women when they have built up negitive emotions, it is a no win situation. You have to sit back and let them come to you. There is a way to get her back, but you will have to do some serious work and be patient. I think after realising that you will probably want to move in another direction. I still hurt today mostly out of guilt for what I did. I do miss her, but she has moved on so I am doing the same. The key thing hear is you learned, you must never act like that again in the break up phase. The usual case they will return or call back once they see you have moved on, so start dating and let them hear about it through the grapevine. Just have fun and live your life you are here once and there are millions of women out there. You are selling yourself as was I short. If it is ment to be it will work out in the end. A helpfull book I read was how to stop your divorce by Homer Mcdonald. Read that and you will have a much great view of the cycle of relationships. You can usually find it on ebay I suggest you check it out.

[heloladies21]

Relationship looks over to me. Do NC, don't talk to her if you see her, and plan on moving on for real. No waiting around.

[richiet]

Thanks guys. I think you have been very perceptive about the whole thing. I have healed a lot but I still go through stages where I think constantly about her. I guess time will heal. I have accepted that it s over and that she may never come back. We were extremely close and spent so much time together and the chemistry I felt with her was unmistakable and unsurpassed. I guess you are right I didn't trust her properly. I think because I couldn't believe what a catch I had got, her relationship with the married guy and the fact that she hid some stuff about herself from those close to her - mom and best friend.

 

One small thing...I saw one of her climbing buddies out last night and we chatted for a while as we always do. He is a pretty genuine guy. I was way impressed that I didn't mention her once in the long convo we had - I was trying to play it cool and acted happy and smiley. I said I was changing my wardrobe, cutting down on the going out because I was studying next semester etc....basically giving the impression I had moved on. He then asked me if "I was on the prowl?" I said I was not that keen on a relationship just yet, I wanted to find out more about what I wanted from my own life. I said there have been a few girls but there is one in particular who I am checking out. We bumped into each other again later and chatted about lots of arb stuff and eventually when I moved off he called me back and said "Hey, just one last thing before you go...you said there was one girl in particular you had your eye on". I really couldn't remember saying anything earlier and pretended to be confused and said "Can't remember saying anything but that I have lots of girl "friends" at the moment and that my one ex of 7 years ago is after (this is for real) me but I am not keen.

 

That sentence when I walked off was so out of context and against the flow of conversation. I'm sure she must have asked him to check up on me. OR am I reading too much into it?

[richiet]

I was supposed a mate at a pub last Wed. He was tired and I ended up speaking to another one. Him and his girl recently split and we were chatting. I felt this burning desire to right the wrong with my ex and so called her and it was amazing...she picked up. I spoke a whole lot of stuff straight from the heart and then she came over and we chatted. It was a bit awkward at first and then we seemed to gel like old times again. We said some thank yous and some apologies and caught up again. Whew and the head got racing and the heart got pounding again. In the end her 2 male mates came over and started joking around by our table. I said it was time for me to leave. Plus the new boyfriend was calling. I wished her all the best and said to call if you ever wanna chat. I will leave her now because I respect the fact that she is in a new relationship. I am not jealous. I just want her to be happy in life - whether that involves me in some way or another is up to her. That night seemed to race by and I couldn't sleep properly as the mind ticked over, but I have to let go 100% and focus on ME and take any lessons

from the relationship, fix them, learn from them, not worry about her.

There IS a reason for this. That I am sure of. But I feel as if a weight

has been untied from my neck and the anomosity between us has gone. Next time we bump into each other we will be able to see each other in a

different light I hope. I like to be mates with people so I see this as a

step forward in my life.

 

I was a bit p!ssed that the new boyfriend had called right in the middle of our convo and the fact that she had asked these guy mates to come as backup. If she had any respect for me she wouldn't have done that. Almost like she wanted to hurt me. I just sent her a text wishing her well with the new guy said I knew she would choose well and to call if she ever wanted to chat. I won't call again.

 

She also denies having ever cheated on me or kissing the married guy. Yet she told a mate of mine in mid-June that she had only done so after we broke up. She then says she only told him that stuff because she was on a high after kissing some other guy. She also claims that the married guy's has just had a baby which I'm not sure is true. I actually don't know what is true and what is rubbish anymore. I question myself and whether I am the fool. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore and my self-esteem has been sent reeling...and I think she likes that.

 

Part of me suddenly realises that this girl lies so much that she doesn't know what she even said. I take everything at face value and only when I sit back after the convo do I actually think "Hell that was such a lie but her reassuring way told me otherwise at the time".

 

Yeah still think about it a lot but I have learnt so much from this. I would love to badmouth her and say that she is a cheating, lying, manipulative, seductive (she knows what guys like to hear), adultress who has no respect for me or my feelings and the way she hurt me. However, I am not like that. I do like girls with issues and a challenge though. However, a girl like this is just insecure and young. Whether she will change with time I am not sure. I think she will marry someone with a big heart but right now she wants to be this tough independent unemotional gal. Whew, and the mutual circle of friends makes it hard too even though we have not seen each other until this meeting you just keep hearing titbits like broken down telephones.

 

Thanks for listening...