Slow down???

[The_Doc]

Heh all

 

Well first post on this board. Ok so for those of you not familiar with my threads quick overview.

 

In a relationship for 4 and 1/2 years, ex broke it off telling me she was no longer 'in love' with me but still loved me on April 10th. Still not 'over' her completley and still would love her to change her mind. However taking the advice of friends and board members I went on a date last Saturday and it made me feel great, changed my mental state overnight and gave me a lot of self confidence.

 

Anyway since then I have seen the newbie twice -- both sort of impromptu affairs. Last night we met for a drink and I was supposed to be going onto a friends for dinner. Instead of enjoying the hour and half and leaving it at that, when it ended I invited her to come along for the food. So 3 dates in 4 days!!

 

I am VERY conscious of rebounding from the last relationship and know she has also only recently broken up with an ex as well.

 

We get on very well although she is VERY VERY quiet which is a complete contrast to my ex. She is also very different physically from the ex and unfortunately I have made comprisons in my head (not during dates but post dates).

 

In terms of slowing things down -- the trouble is we both live in a foreign city that is very small and the english speaking community smaller still. So its difficult to avoid each other anyway. Also she is relatively new to town and doesn't know a lot of people.

 

Compounding all this my ex will be in town next week for a wedding that I am also going to, and after 10 days NC she broke this today. The ex and I have a lot of mutual friends here and so I am very conscious that she will find out through the grapevine that I am seeing her. Equally I am doing everything I can to avoid talking about my ex with the newbie but also worry that she will hear that my ex is in town via the same circles.

 

At times like this a life in a monastery seems very appealing.

 

Advice all... on the above ramble, but in particular about how to keep something fairly casual instead of letting things naturally develop and getting caught in a rebound? Also juggling exes and newbies especially when you still have a lot of feelings for the ex.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think you need to worry about your ex or the newbie finding out about eachother, unless you anticipate some serious drama its just something thats going to happen. Your ex broke up with you let her worry about you seeing someone else, how she feels about you dating the newbie shouldnt be any of your concern. As far as the newbie is concerned how is that going to hurt your chances because she finds out about your ex?

 

If you really want to slow things down then you should have left drinks just as drinks and not invited her over your friends house. Your actions must also reflect what you want otherwise there is no continuity. It seems to me that you are aware of the situation you are in and you should be, its possible that this is a rebound for the both of you. I would advise just avoid over thinking this situation and just have fun with the newbie. You just got out of a 4.5 year relationship do you really want to jump back into another one? Have fun with her just like the newbie is having fun with you.

[Mr Meh]

I would say go for it with the understanding that there are underlying feelings from a previous relationship, which she probably has too from hers. Just enjoy her company without any expectations or commitments. You know it is a mistake to try and have a "relationship" when there is residue from your ex, so it's not like you are rushing headlong into a rebound without thinking. Don't get intimate until you are both ready. Maybe through a friendship first, you guys can help each other heal.

As for the ex, don't worry about the grapevine and all that; she's your ex and her opinion or feelings are irrelevant. Watch out for her feelings of being replaced leading to a disastrous 'reunion' that will take you back to square one in the healing process and leave you feeling like you've also "cheated" on your new friend.

You've made a clean start on a new life, so let the past stay there.