He's 17 years younger than me!

[belladona]

I just broke off with someone closer to my age. The guy was rich but had the emotional maturity of an 16 year old! It was the relationship from hell.

 

Now I meet someone who is 17 years younger than me. (He's actually in his late 20s). The irony is that he is the antithesis of the man I just broke up with. He is not rich at all like the other guy but he has all the inner qualities I have always been looking for and we view so many things the same and he is so emotionally mature. We instantly clicked.

 

The problem is the age difference. He said it's no problem. Right now, I like the companionship but can see us falling in love. I do have a problem as there are other things I see that could hinder the relationship.

 

Does love conquer all?

[punchy504]

what about children? does he want them? do you have them?

[shes2smart]

I dated/lived with a guy 18 years my senior. He was very well off $$-wise. He was also a lying cheating #@$%.

 

A while after I broke up with him, I met someone 11 years younger than me. I was 37 at that time, he was 26. At first I resisted going out with him, but he was persistent....and got to be too interesting not to meet. I met him, he proposed a week later, and we're coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary next month. He's turned out to be ALL the things you'd think the older guy would've been -- dependable, trustworthy, knows what he wants, etc.

 

The age gap is a problem if you make it one. It's never been an issue with us. The only area I can see potential, un-solvable problems is having children. If he wants a family and you're getting to the age where fertility is a problem....well, that puts a whole different spin on things. Then again, children/no children issue is something EVERY couple has to deal with, even if they're the exact same age. It was never an issue with us because I never wanted any, and neither did he.

[DragonGirl724]

I met him, he proposed a week later, and we're coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary next month. He's turned out to be ALL the things you'd think the older guy would've been -- dependable, trustworthy, knows what he wants, etc.

 

ENGAGED A WEEK LATER! lol damn girl you guys work fast.

 

age is only a factor when it involves legalities, the reasonings behind dating someone with a huge age gap (dating for: money, ego, sex etc.) and if there is a clear difference in mentality levels and sometimes even experience. a person with no life experiences, opposed to someone who has been through it all, might effect one's mentality and certain traits they look for in a mate.

 

if any of what i stated doesnt seem to play a major role in your romance then, i feel, age aint nothin but a number.

 

-DG724

[shes2smart]

ENGAGED A WEEK LATER! lol damn girl you guys work fast.

 

Oh, you never heard that story? I chatted online with him for about 3-4 weeks, then met r/l on a Sunday...Wednesday he bought the ring...the next Sunday (a week later) he proposed. That was Oct. 2001, we got married July 2002.

 

I was with the 18 yrs. older guy for, like 2 years, and he never did fully make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or if he wanted to play the field. You'd think a guy in his 50's would know if he wanted to be single or in a commited relationship & be secure enough in that decision to be straight with ya about it.

 

My husband, on the other hand, tells me that he knew within the first 5 minutes of our first date that he HAD TO be with me. Over the next few months he did whatever it took to make that happen -- including finding a job & moving to where I was. (He lived about 2 hours drive away)

 

You really can't make a good guess about someone's maturity level or their readiness for being in a relationship based only on their age. I wrongly assumed an older guy would have it more together than someone under 30. I almost missed out because of that incorrect assumption. Thank God he was persistent.

 

In the long run, I think it's each person's relationship goals that play a major role determining the success/failure of a relationship. The more similar your relaltionship goal is to that of your partner's, the better chance you have of achieving it.

[belladona]

I was with the 18 yrs. older guy for, like 2 years, and he never did fully make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or if he wanted to play the field. You'd think a guy in his 50's would know if he wanted to be single or in a commited relationship & be secure enough in that decision to be straight with ya about it

 

I know how you feel, shes2smart. The guy was my age in his late 40s and you'd think that life experience would make him a more mature individual than the younger one.

 

I do see that if we were to get serious, having children would be a problem. The younger guy does not have children and I can no longer have one nor do I want any. Also, he is not as financially stable as I would like as he's still finishing up his school (going for his phD).

 

But we clicked and had so many things in common to talk about. I told him we'd be friends. I know he wants more.

[vtsdsmommy]

need advice. I also have two teen-age boys that love him alot and look up to him as a role model. Still some people are very judgemental, why does it have to be this way? Age is just a number right?

[shes2smart]

Still some people are very judgemental, why does it have to be this way?

 

In anything you do, you are not going to get everyone's approval. Fortunately, you don't need it.

 

People are free to have their opinions on everything under the sun. Even stuff that's none of their business. You are also free to ignore them and do as you will.

 

Their judgementalism is not your problem or responsibility. The only situation in which it would become a problem is if, say, a landlord wouldn't rent an apartment to you because of the age difference...however, there are legal remedies for that sort of thing.

 

He's 21, which means he's an adult. If the relationship is good, and you're both happy with things between you, screw what anyone else thinks.

[vtsdsmommy]

What problems if any, come up or have come up in your relationship? Some days I am happy some days I ask myself why and what have I done. I have dated mostly all younger men but this one is the biggest age gap. He is not all about partying, hanging out with the guys. Now he is all about going to school getting his Nursing degree in two years. To me thats a long time but he thinks its a real short time. He has all kinds of goals for us when he graduates. It is hard for me to think that far ahead when right now is whats most important to me. Every second counts especially when you have 2 teen age boys. Which is another Jerry Springer story all together. We have to save that one for another posting topic. Today is one of those days I am feeling that way.......... confused

[shes2smart]

The relationship I have with my husband is the most problem-free one I've had. The age difference was only an issue for me at the beginning because I didn't know him...all I knew was some just-turned-26-year-old was IMing me. I assumed he was like other mid-20's guys I knew from work, and chatted with him but didn't take it seriously. Once I got to know him, it was quickly apparent he wasn't like the 20-somethings I knew. From that point forward, age has never been an issue.

 

I ceased caring what others opinions about my life choices were a long, long time ago, so I'm completely oblivious to any odd looks, disapproval, etc. They can have their opinions, but it's not their business and has no bearing on my life. For all I care, they can even state their opinions and it doesn't bother me unless they are rude or cruel...and if they overstep the bounds of common courtesy, I deal with that rather quickly and decisively.

 

2 years is going to fly by like nothing...it really isn't that long. What you need to do is figure out if you can see yourself in that same future that he sees for the both of you. No one has the answer to that one except you. If you keep focused on the age difference and not the person, you'll never get it figured out. Between the issues you have about the age difference and apparent concern of what others around you may think, it almost sounds like you're looking for a reason to call it quits....are you?

[vtsdsmommy]

No I don't want to call it quits at all, I love our relationship but due to me not having a vehicle trying to get one and having to depend on him getting me from A to B has been very stressfull. I am dealing alot with my boys and their Father as well. Was working at a job I very much dis-liked but Thank God I have found another one I am starting on Monday. All this is stressful to me and sometimes I feel he should not have to be going through all this bull crap and everything is all my fault when things go wrong. I know what your going to say, that it is his choice to be going through all this with me right? We celebrated our 1 year anniversary of being together as well on June 25. I do love him and I definitely know he loves me.

[shes2smart]

Congratulations on the new job.

 

Most women are very good at taking care of others and giving all the time...particularly in relationships. What a lot of women don't know how to do is receive graciously. A guy who wants to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship with you who is a good person *wants* to do things to take care of you. It makes him feel good to be able to provide for you. Since he is going into nursing (a typically female profession), he probably has a very caring nature.

 

Don't take the pleasure of taking care of/providing for you away from him. Allow him to help you through the rough times. Now, you don't want to go overboard and take all the time and never give...but I don't think that's a problem here.

 

Relationships are a two way street -- there has to be a balance of giving AND taking on both partners' parts for there to be a healthy balance. Perhaps it is your time to learn how to receive graciously.

[vtsdsmommy]

Thank you so much for your time and great advice, I just need to sit back and relax. I have been a single Mom for almost 16 years it's hard to let someone try and take over or want to I should say. We have no problem with give and take Marc is a wonderful man, I just wish I could feel the same way about myself. I have whats called very low self esteem, been through a few really bad relationships that pretty much made me feel this way. I am trying to better myself but its a slow process.

[shes2smart]

I have always been independent, stubborn as a mule, a one-of-the-guys kinda gal. I've always been the funny tough chick. I went into a male dominated profession that's populated with smart-alecky egomaniac men (on air radio people, in case you were curious), and I prided myself on being able to outwit them, run a board better, and do more things around the station better than the boys. I drove myself to the emergency room with a broken arm after I got thrown from my horse. I took care of myself after the surgery to fix that arm.

 

I was one hella intimidating woman.

 

Learning to receive graciously and allow myself to be vulnerable, weak, and showing a need to be taken care of was not an easy lesson to learn. It didn't help that in many previous relationships I was involved with guys who either weren't strong enough or giving enough to take care of me.

 

Until I met my husband (the younger man)....and in the last 3 years I have learned the wonder of allowing your partner to take care of you. I had been working on the "receiving graciously" part for a while before I met him, but making the leap from reading about it and analyzing it to living it in real life was hard.

 

Oh, I'm still that tough-as-nails, stubborn, wise-cracking, independent broad...but not all the time....and not with my husband.

 

It sounds like you have one of the good guys. If that's the case, then it's ok to let go and receive graciously. I know it's difficult, but that's only because it's new and you're not used to it. If I could overcome my deeply ingrained mule-like tendancies and learn it, you can, too.

[vtsdsmommy]

Hello I am and can learn alot from you. Tell me more

[leap]

Hey, it's all about his maturity level...and yours!

If it's meant to be it should be. I'm interested a 'man' who just turned 19, and I'm 28! But he's very mature for his age. Yes, he's short on some life experiences but just count the costs (so to speak) and see if it's worth it. You'd both get crap for it from all directions, but if it's true love, then who cares what other's think! Just bodly say, "I love our age gap! Wouldn't have it any other way!"