Giving up??? and Dating again???

[The_Doc]

Advice all…

 

3 hour SMS exchange on Saturday with ex!!! Some of it 'mild' flirting, all small talk really.

 

We haven't spoken at any length for well over a week.

 

Thought about what one poster said about 'seeing what we want to see', about convincing ourselves that we are bing 'strung along' when in reality we are not. Analysed all the contact of the last few weeks and decided that there is really nothing to really suggest a change of heart – only one tender message. Rest has just been friendly small talk. Instead of interpreting it like this I have interpreted it as uncertainty and a proverbial door that is slightly open still. Now I am wondering whether it is just time to 'give up', abandon all hopes of a reconciliation??

 

On the flip side I met a nice girl at a party in Saturday who was interested and attracted to me. We exchanged numbers. Now I am having a dilemma about whether or not to go on a date. I mean i don't know whether I feel ready for this yet. My heart still yearns for my ex and dreams that we will get back together. Is it just too soon for this… mad thing as well is that I feel if I do go on a date I feel like I am 'cheating on her' – crazy as I know we have split up. But I know she isn't seeing anyone else and the break up was not a nasty one.

 

What to do……

[heloladies21]

Go on the date, force yourself if you have to. And try to go on another date with another chick as soon as possible after that. Will help memory of ex fade.

[urbangentleman]

Hey Doc, Urban here.Well my friend fate works in funnt ways does it not.First off Doc, dont feel like your cheating, she left you, cant have your cake and eat it too.Don't use this other person, but there's no harm in having a date with her.I'm mean the reality is right now doc that you are a single man.But i know through our conversations with each other how you are feeling.Look if nothing else, this will boost your ego abit and it will occupy your mind for a while.If you go, just do yourself a favour and have fun, and as hared as it is, dont compare her to your ex.It's not fair to you or her.

 

You dont need to tell her anything, just go with the flow.

Talk to you soon Doc.

 

Regards

 

Urban.

 

PS...I too am thinking of giving up completely????

[fIIsion]

I feel the same way, although no actual dates as such, having been talking to some women online.

It feels sad and at the same time a bit exciting talking to other women, although I can not stop thinking about my ex.

 

I know I cannot wait around, hoping that some day my ex might realise that she does love me and wants to try again, it may never happen.

 

How can she go from thinking of me as just a friend to lover again?

3rd week of N/C, I think dating again would at the very least give me some distraction, take my mind of the ex, who knows what might happen.

[simon_uk]

Hi all

 

Well its two months since my ex left me. I am still pining and still hoping for a reconcilliation but I had a date on Friday, I have another date tonight with a different lady and tomorrow I am going to a speed dating event. I am no way over my ex but as somebody above said, it is an ego boost and does make you forget about the ex for the time being. I am hoping and praying that my ex will come back to me but I am not going to hang around waiting for that to happen.

 

I know from previous experience that waiting around for somebody to come back to you is a waste of time and can spoil things with the current girl. with my last ex, I spent the first 6 months to a year pining over the ex before, holding back from giving it my all just in case the ex before her came back. Guess what, she didnt. I also did the same with the ex ex, held off on the off chance the the ex ex ex would come back, guess what? She didnt. In the meantime I probably missed out on loving 100% because I was in limbo and hung around. Never again fellas.

 

My advice is get out and date, date as much as you can and dont hang around waiting for the ex to come back. Sure you all still love your exes as do I. I am so totally in love with her it hurts but she made the decision to leave, she has to make the decision to come back. If by that time I am happy with somebody else then so be it. i guess it would be her time to hurt a little.

[Wimpy]

but as somebody above said, it is an ego boost and does make you forget about the ex for the time being

 

Hang on guys... before you get too caught up in "ego boost" exercises, let's remember there are people WITH FEELINGS involved on the other side of these exercises.

 

It's 10 weeks since my ex dumped me and emotionally I am in NO position to date. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a MAJOR nose dive as a result but I won't think about dating again until I'm healed enough to do that. I wouldn't want to end up doing to someone else what my ex obviously did to me.....

[The_Doc]

As far as I know my ex isn't dating anyone else.

 

Trouble is 2 months down the line there is little sign of any 'carrots' being dangled suggesting she is even contemplating a reconciliation.

 

When talk is 'small talk', she is very communicative but it stops at that. When I tell her how I feel she doesn't end the conversation but she never reciprocates!!

 

My emotions are all over the place but I don't want to date someone to have a relationship -- that is not on the agenda. I still want my ex back but surely I can't sit here in hope for weeks and months on end???

 

What I worry about is that if I do date someone else she will hear about it (mutual friends) and slam the door closed (if it is still even open).

 

But then why I am I so worried about her feelings? She dumped me and she knows its not what I wanted then, or what I want now!! What about my feelings over the past 9 weeks?

 

Guys? girls? What do you think?

[simon_uk]

Wimpy

 

You aren't going to do to someone what your ex done to you if you are just casually dating them. If that is the case then the person you are dating has a bit of a problem if they get attached and subsequently depressed so soon.

 

As long as you let the other person know how you feel and that you dont want to rush into anything there is no problem and there is definitely an ego boost knowing that somebody other than your ex wants to spend time with you.

 

You also say your confidence and self esteem have taken a nose dive Wimpy. Well thats what happens and that is all the more reason to date. It is what ALL the books and experts suggest. You do what feels comfortable for you. I dont feel ready to be with somebody else just yet and I am still madly in love with the ex. But I want my self esteem back and dating is a great way to help it along. just be clear and concise with the other person.

[Wimpy]

Mmmmmm okay well when I said about doing to someone else what my ex did to me I wasn't being very clear - sorry. I think that he used me to fill an emotional void he had in his life whilst he was away from his family studying. I think that whilst he was here the relationship lived but when he returned home it "died" in his mind.

 

The parallel I'm drawing - perhaps badly - is that if you are just dating people at the moment to give you an "ego boost" without being too serious - EXCEPTING that nobody starts dating with a guarantee of something serious at the end - then I think you run the risk of "using" that person for a period in your life when you're feeling a bit low and need (understandably so) a bit of a boost.

 

My personal opinion is that we have to, to some degree, be responsible for that boost OURSELVES....we cannot look to others to fill that terrible emptiness we feel inside until we are fully healed.

 

I don't suppose I'm making much sense.... I understand where you're coming from believe me but I'm just expressing that going out on dates isn't all about getting a boost to one's esteem - IMHO

 

I'm gonna go back into the ether now as I'm not sure I'm making much sense.

 

Sorry not to be any real help Doc -

[loveydovey]

Well, it has been my experience that if someone wants to get back together, they won't just leave it at nice conversations and innocent flirting. It wouldn't stop there. If a person hasn't already expressed an interest at a possible reunion (not even just a little bit), then I would say that at the present time, they just plain ole aren't interested in getting back together at this time.

 

But don't let that get you down because the key phrase is "at this time". She is either, A-enjoying being single; B-dealing with some things in her life right now and for reasons unknown, just doesnt have much time; or C-is dating other people or someone else.

 

Either way, her actions (or lack-thereof) indicate to me that you would be better off just doing YOUR own thing too right now....whether that be doing some dating or just spending time getting over her some other way.

 

Now you can do one of two things at this poing: You can go and spend an indefinite amount of time trying your hardest to convince her to be with you again or you can accept the current situation and make the best of it for YOU.

 

So what do you want to do?

[The_Doc]

Lovey

 

I don't think telling her all the time what I want will make any difference.

 

And in any case I don't won't her to come back to me out of pity, sympathy or guilt, but because she WANTS to come back.

 

Besides being 'needy' and putting pressure on her is not going to bring her around, only push her away.

 

So I guess I take option two, look after myself, have fun, maybe a date or two and see what fate deals me? Opinions everyone?

[The_Doc]

Heh All

 

Well the weight of opinion seems to suggest that I ask this girl out on a date.

 

Around 70% reckon it will do me good, nothing has to happen or 'develop'. What exactly is a 'date' anyway – it can be whatever I want it to. She is new in town and doesn't know many people so I can choose to keep it at the level of purely 'friends' if thats what I want etc.

 

Another 20% urge caution suggesting it might not be 'time' for me, warning me against a 'rebound' etc (which is something I have frequently fallen for).

 

10% argue that I shouldn't do it at all. That if my ex 'gets wind' it could lead her to slam the door shut (but is it open??) and decide that I have given up on her (but she has given up on me and 'us' by dumping me hasn't she?)

 

Alternatively a lot of 'advice' forums and books suggest that dating might cause her to realise that I am not Mr. Available anymore, not her insurance policy and might provoke her to come back. If it doesn't it will only boost my low self-esteem and aid the healing process.

 

Anyhow I am still very uncertain about whether to go on this date or not…. But what I am doing now doesn't seem to be working… there is just no evidence of my ex 'reaching' out.

 

It eats me to know she is lonely, sad, has been ill, is stressed, has lost a lot of weight, isn't eating properly etc. Thats exactly how I was up until a couple of weeks ago – but again she is the one who made this decision not me!!

 

The thing is my ex knows how I feel, about her and about us, I don't need to tell her anymore. I'm tired of doing so. I feel its her turn now…

 

Thoughts everyone??

[simon_uk]

Go on the Date Doc! Even if it is just a friends vibe! Female company can be cathartic. Your ex ended it, it is her place to resurrect it if that is what she wants to do. There is no point hanging round waiting.

 

I received a text from the ex last night saying she wanted to arrange a time to pick her things up. i haven't even replied. I have mixed advice, some sayiong she just wants her things, some saying she is trying to make a connection. I dont know either way but I dont intend replying. If she does want me back then she needs to say explicitly I want you back. I think you should expect the same doc and in the meantime, enjoy yourself! Go On The Date!

[The_Doc]

Can't help feeling that I am some kind of crossroad right now. On the one hand I have an opportunity to go on a date, but on the other I still feel extraordinarily strong feelings for my ex and still desire a reconciliation. My heart also goes out to her since I know that she is sad and lonely and has been ill due to stress. Part of me feels like driving to her, throwing my arms around her and telling everything will be fine.

 

But I have alread told her how I feel about her, that I still love her and that I miss her. She knows… and she is the one choosing not to reach out. When we do communicate she usually initiates it but always keeps it at the level of small talk. She never tells me how she is 'feeling' and never raises the subject of the realtionship.

 

Am I wrong to resist reaching out to her more? After all she is the one who broke off the relationship, she is the one how broke my heart after 4 ½ years together. And she is the one who has never once made an explicit reference to a reconciliation.

 

I don't know but I just feel that if I go on this date I am beginning the process of 'letting go'. Something I really don't want to do. But as so many people have said on here time and time again, you can't make them change their minds. You have to let go and if they come back it was meant to be.

 

Sorry I know that a lot of this is repetition but I'm just having a tough day today…

 

Comments, advice, words of encouragement welcome

[urbangentleman]

Hey doc...i feel exactly what you just wrote.I think a part of me is tired of keeping on stressing or thinking and analyzing everything.The other part of me is not ready to let go at all.Perhaps we could percieve this as a sign of the healing process actually in progress.I too would like to hear from others that are perhaps in a more advanced stage than us, and relate the feelings, although i realize they will and can be different for everybody, as to what this means in the overall healing process.

 

urban

[fIIsion]

I know exactly how you feel, my ex is the same, she is depressed about the break-up of the relationship but is mentally trying to be strong and is focusing on re-building her life.

 

I'm sure she is missing me, but feels that she has done the right thing and will contiune to believe so. That is what I keep telling myself.

 

Perhaps in time she may realise that she made a mistake, perhaps I mean more to her than she thinks right now, perhaps, perhaps.

 

I can't wait around dwelling on what might be, until she picks up the phone and says that she made a mistake or try to build bridges, I have to assume that this is what she wants.

I care for her very much, want to call her and make her feel good about herself, relieve the guilt, etc, but what about me, what about you.

Who is taking care of your needs, your ex knows how you feel but maybe she does not know how she feels, you trying to reach out to her will only add to the confusion.

 

You need to get on with your own life, if your ex is serious about wanting you back in her life, she needs to be serious.

Don't want to sound harsh but it seems that she is just using you to make her feel better about herself.

I had similar problems with my ex, calling me to hear my voice, wanting to meet up and basically ignore my feelings.

she wouldn't discuss the relationship, If I dared to bring it up she would clam up and tell me to not to discuss it.

 

No more, I have made my case, she knows where I stand, time to get living.

[simon_uk]

Doc I feel ya! I am exactly the same I really dont want to let go, I want to hold on to every last drop of hope! I am desperatley in love with her but not so desperate as to make a fool of myself and waste my life. I still haven't replied to her request to pick up her things 1. because I cannot bear to get another reply and 2. Because it seems so final and there will be nothing left to hold onto. I will give her the things back but to be honest they are things she doesnt really need or use. I think it is an excuse to make contact but I would hate to be wrong.

 

Right now I am feeling absolutley down in the dumps, one little text has set me back to square one but we have to be strong. As you rightly said nothing WE can do will bring them back, like you I just want to drive round there and take her in my arms forever. But unfortunately unless she says she wants me to do that there is nothing I can do.

 

Try to be strong guys!

[overtheedge]

I hear you guys on the whole not wanting to let go thing. I've been on a rollercoaster over the past 6 weeks and just when it seems like it's getting easier, I'll see her, or talk to her, or have a dream about her and it sets me back.

 

A few weeks ago, I was feeling guilty about the guilt trip I put on her in the days following the breakup. As I had done throughout the relationship, I put her feelings first and e-mailed her in order to help relieve her guilt. She didn't write back, but the next time I saw her I asked about it. She basically said that it helped her a lot and that she didn't write back because she didn't know what to say.

 

Basically, I had been taking full responsibility for everything that went wrong in the relationship and over the past week, I have gotten sick of it. I decided to tell her that it wasn't all my fault and that she contributed to it. It didn't seem fair that she could act so cold towards me and I was still trying to protect her feelings.

 

Well I still don't feel any better and the fact that I hurt her is eating me up. Maybe her feeling a little bit of rejection will change her mind. I'm not counting on it though. I just got absolutely sick of putting everything on myself. I just wish that I could get sick on holding onto hope.

[The_Doc]

Well all I tried calling that girl I met for a date and her cell is off!! Kind of made me laugh a little. I debated so much about asking her out and when I finally make my decision and call… LOL

 

I also think I have reached a new stage in my 'healing'. I think I am on the verge of the 'giving up' stage. By that I don't mean that I no longer love my ex – I am still madly in love with her and miss her constantly. I also don't mean that I no longer want a reconciliation – I still would love nothing more. Instead what I mean is that I think I am reaching that point where I finally accept that no ammount of wishful thinking or plotting is going to bring her back, and that I have had enough of the emotional stress and exhaustion of constantly expecting that text or email or call to come.

 

I noticed this when I noticed that I hadn't written in my journal for a couple of days. Only a few weeks ago I was writing in it 2, 3, 4 times a day, pouring out my heart and my emotions. Also the tone of my entries has changed – they sound so much more resigned to my fate than desperately trying to fight against it. I'm sure I will have a 'relapse' or two, that the ex will possibly throw me an occasional 'curveball' etc but what I also did was look back on all of the communication that my ex and I have had over the past 9 weeks and was shocked to realise that far from 'mixed signals' the signals were not really mixed at all. All of my 'hopes' rested really on about 1 or 2 text messages and a couple of instant message exchanges. The overwhelming majority of communication was simply 'small talk' and nothing more. I realised she never mentioned the relationship, never discussed it. She never really reached out and when I thought that she did – implicitly, I recognise now that she wasn't she was just calling because she was lonely or sad not because she was thinking about 'getting back' together.

 

Anyway my point in all this for those of you are still reeling in disbelief is not to 'delude' yourself. I know its been said a lot before and to me – 'actions speak louder than words' but it is so true. Words are important but try not to read too much into them nor into things that were 'not said' (i.e. if he/she doesn't tell you to get lost), nor into the 'tone' of their voice. We too often see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear… and at the end of the day NOTHING is enough until or unless they explicitly say 'I still love you and I want to try again'.

 

I hope this moment of clarity lasts…. I just feel very, very sad now – not a depression just a great sadness and disappointment. Disappointed that she could bring the relationship to an end and that she never really considered or countenanced trying to 'rebuild' or work the problems we had out.

[h_b_k_02]

Doc, it would not hurt you one bit to go on a date.

 

You are ready, you are always ready, you are just telling yourself you aren't ready.

 

Spend a weekend in bed with someone else and feelings will do a complete 360, believe me.

[The_Doc]

Thanks HB

 

As for a week in bed!! Well... hmmmm beware the dreaded rebound. Thats exactly what i have done in the past -- bounced from one relationship to the next and confused lust and that initial high of dating someone else with 'love' and then ended up in long term relationships.

 

No this next gal (whoever it may be) will be kept at arms length until I feel emotionally ready for anything else. If she is not happy with that then thats up to her.

 

Anyway as I said the number don't work so there is no date!!

[overtheedge]

It's amazing how similar our situations are Doc. I haven't met anyone else though and I do not have the desire to right now. I assume that she probably has though because she is the type of person who bounced from guy to guy before she met me. Nothing lasted longer than a month, but there was always someone on the go.

 

Something weird is going on in this city. In the past 6 weeks, I have talked to about 12 friends who have been dumped by their long term girlfriends in recent months. I don't know if these girls are just at the age that they need to explore themselves or what but it seems to be happening with more frequency. These relationships have lasted from everywhere between 1 and 7 years and in one case there are children involved. In another, it was a marriage. It's bizarre.