annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Sorry... I don't want to sound disrespectful, but I think you would be the biggest fool if you send her this money. I don't know the value of all her stuff she left at your place, and I don't know how much she gave you as a GIFT, but it sounds like she owes you money, once you do the math. You are a lawyer, I presume? You went to law school. You should know better. I think sending her money would be as foolish as me sending my credit card company more money than I owe and saying that it's "the right thing." It's not the right thing. It's just stupid. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I don't think you're stupid. I think you're emotions are getting the better of you this morning. C'mon - you're a lawyer - what would you advise a client who told you what you've told us? You'd say, you don't owe her anything, legally or morally. Put down the checkbook. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 To set the record straight, I am NOT a lawyer. I am a Certified Financial Planner... In regards to me being emotional and that being the reason I am considering doing this, I will have to take objection to that, because I have been very well composed these last few weeks and had every intention to send her this money...None of you, sorry, some of you may understand why I am doing it and others may not...I am not acting based on what I found out yesterday. It was a shock to the system, but I have already absorbed and accepted it. My opinion hasn't changed, but I do appreciate and respect your views...and do take all of them into full consideration.. Thanks guys, Dan Link to comment
benevolent Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 No offense and this is not a knock at you, but I have to say I knew this was going to happen. This whole drama of going back and forth with this woman has gone beyond the realms of pathetic. Now before you go off on this post - read it, absorb it and take the kick in the *ss that it is meant to give you. I also hope your source is not her e-mail that you've been reading. If so, then you deserve this. As soon as you got back together, you would basically have an ego and project yourself as the ultimate authority and expert on this subject. You would get extremely defensive and object when someone offered advice that didn't jive with yours. I've seen posts where you tell other members to not tell other people what to do, yet you "always have to step in" in other posts like you are some kind of savior. Your basic message was "see I was right, my methods work and I am total proof of that." Frankly speaking, the only thing you were successful at was perpetuating a very bad relationship between an unstable and insecure couple. Every so called 'change' you claimed to have made was temporary and not done for you. Even when you claimed you no longer loved this person and that you are now a different man, I personally thought it was nothing more than bravado and b.s. talking. Few people can change in such a short amount of time and very few can make this change a constant. If that were the case, then every diet would work and smokers could quit forever in an instant. Doesn't happen that way, right? It only does when you work hard at it and make it part of your lifestyle. I glanced quickly at some old posts and every change you made had nothing to do with you - personally. It was always something material or ridiculous - a new job, wardrobe, new cell phone!?!?! I mean c'mon, if these are the only things you and your ex value, then you shouldn't be surprised of the state you are in. If you were really confident and changed then you would have started to look at the relationship and your ex in a totally different light (like I've reiterated in the past). More importantly, you wouldn't have been in this place that your in now because your supposed newfound confidence and improved you would have allowed you to move on the first or second time she left you. NC is not just a couple of weeks or months. It might even be a couple of years, yet you don't allow yourself to be totally free. Although you say you are a changed man and now are a proponent of NC, your posts are conflicting. You stated that you have been moving on for a year and half? How is this even possible with the state you are in? If you have really moved on, this girl should have been a non-issue then. You've mentioned dating lots of other women, yet this problem still persists. You talk about dating as if it is a temporary band aid to use only until you will get your ex back. If that's the case. then that makes you just as bad as your ex. Have you really dated? If you are meeting various types of women then your ex should be looking less significant. I'm not saying that I'm opposed to the idea of getting back together with an ex. I just think that both parties have to grow and learn from the past mistakes they made and be willing to work on it together if that chance happens to come and that takes time. But like everyone else has said here 100000000000000 of times, you have to let go and really focus on you. Perhaps, you might have to go through some therapy to help you get out of this major hole you dug for yourself. Hey if it worked for A-Rod, then maybe it can work for you? And stop with the money already. Didn't you have this problem a few months back? Why must you have something to connect back to her with? Cut her a check and that is that. Don't plan to meet her, don't project this new you onto her, just cut your losses and go. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Benevolent, I lost that ego a year ago....around the same time that I lost my sanity with this one, believing she could be any different and no, the changes since December of 2004 have been for me and only for me... I had nothing to prove...I was honest, sincere, loyal and hard up on luck and we know the end result... I am not looking for excuses to have contact with her...I don't have to make any. I am no longer scared to be myself. The money isn't a tactic. It is something I NEED to finish doing for myself, with no ulterior motive whatsoever...It's me living up to my word... Dan Link to comment
DN Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 If you insist on sending the money, but can't send it all at once - send monthly post-dated cheques for what you can afford. But I would suggest you wait until your feelings, whether anger or any other emotion, have settled down sufficiently for you to do what is in your best interests. I think you need to be a little more dispassionate than you understandably can be right now. Link to comment
heartbroken23 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Did your ex live up to her words? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I WANT to pay her the money...I don't want her walking away thinking, HA, that guy never lived up to his word. If only I would have known 3 years ago that all of these strings would have been attached and she would have held it over my head. I want it off my conscience... Danimal - she isn't going to think that. What she is going to think is, "What a chump! Paying me back money that I gave him as a gift, after I sold my engagement ring!" And then, she's going to take the money you're giving her and buy a plane ticket to New Jersey, to see her new boyfriend. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 If you insist on sending the money, but can't send it all at once - send monthly post-dated cheques for what you can afford. But I would suggest you wait until your feelings, whether anger or any other emotion, have settled down sufficiently for you to do what is in your best interests. I think you need to be a little more dispassionate than you understandably can be right now. Some banks will cash post-dated checks anyways, well, at least some in the US. Link to comment
heartbroken23 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I totally agree with annie...you have to ask yourself what she will think....she is not going to see it as a noble gesture from you, she might see it as a last attempt or ploy to get her back and she wil see you asa chump. FORGET about the money!!! Just Forget her..she F'd you over too many times! Link to comment
DN Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 If you insist on sending the money, but can't send it all at once - send monthly post-dated cheques for what you can afford. But I would suggest you wait until your feelings, whether anger or any other emotion, have settled down sufficiently for you to do what is in your best interests. I think you need to be a little more dispassionate than you understandably can be right now. Some banks will cash post-dated checks anyways, well, at least some in the US. I've never heard of the major clearing banks in Canada doing that. If they did they would be liable to refund the money. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 I'm not a chump and she didn't consider it a gift, okay? She made that clear to me guys... Again, she won't see this a ploy and even if she does, it isn't one. I am sending her checks, asking nothing of....Just doing what I said I would. Just because she isn't living up to her end of the bargain and [Removed by Moderator] me over on so many levels, so many times, it doesn't mean that I lack class.. It will be my pleasure to pay her back. If she wants to fly out to Jersey, I don't care. That's not my problem..She'll know where that money comes from... I'm doing this... Dan Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 But she kept the engagement ring.... Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 No she didn't. I have it!!!! She never broke an engagement with me Annie. We were never engaged. The timing wasn't right back then...IT was done more so out of fear of losing her...She was engaged 3 years ago, but to someone else.. In any case, no, I have the ring, not her... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Oh sorry - the way I understood it, she kept the ring. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 No, I have it... To think I was going to call her this week to make arrangements. Better sometimes to remain naive and innocent and NOT KNOW.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 So, what are you going to do with the ring? Sell it, try to get your money back? Can you return it to the store? Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Forget about the ring Annie. It's irrelevant what I do with it...I don't even know where it is anylonger in all honesty..I purchased it in November of 2003.. Right now, I am putting my focus on ME and my NEW JOB. I start tomorrow... I have to get my back in shape (physically speaking)...From December until April I lost 33 pounds and was in amazing shape, but I've let that go since May... I intend to continue with NC...Other than her birthday (June 2), I have done NC and will not divert from that, even considering everything I found out yesterday. Sorry, especially because what I discovered yesterday. As I mentioned, I was prepared to contact her this week, knowing it's been almost 2 weeks and inform her of my plans to begin paying her, but now, it's checks in the mail... I mean business (no pun intended)...I will not be like her other ex who she is back with, whereby he still after 6 years of separation is still not over her...I will and have begun moving on...Let her move to New Jersey and let that other guy get caught in her web...Even though I loved her, I am free now...Free to be me.... I will find happiness again (have already begun) and it's within me (has been all along). She can't take that away again. NEVER AGAIN!!!! Understand one thing please...I will pay her back, because I said I would and so far, I have lived up to EVERYTHING I said I would and I'm proud of that...I can walk away knowing that I gave it my all and I was still a decent person with her and she'll know how she was with me. Let her live with that...ONE DAY she'll realize it, when she is all alone and has burned all of her bridges and decides to look me up in 2-3 years, not because she cares, but because she's curious to see if I followed through with my goals in life...I'll have attained them all by myself. All the growth I have done was when she was NOT around and that's a fact.....I thought this past time she was proud of me and serious, but she was serious about nothing, BUT I AM.... Thanks everyone for all of your contributions in the last 20+ hours....I think we broke some records here with most amount of replies and views within a certain time period.... Whether she wants to admit it or not, I had an impact on her life and she'll never forget me....NO WAY!!!! Peace, Danimal Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 well good - I'm glad you're getting back on track. I just brought up the ring because you said you were having some financial difficulties, and selling it sounds like an easy way to come up with a good chunk of money.... especially to pay her back all at once. Link to comment
DN Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 well good - I'm glad you're getting back on track. I just brought up the ring because you said you were having some financial difficulties, and selling it sounds like an easy way to come up with a good chunk of money.... especially to pay her back all at once. Actually, the same idea occurred to me. (But having said that, I shall now forget about the ring, as you request.) Link to comment
shockeddismayed Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Wow... Sounds like things are settling down here. That's good... time to breath deep. I've been following Danimal's story forever... in fact, over the last 2-3 months I've been pm-ing back and forth quite a bit. Like any of us... it has been a tough go of things... especially with the way the EX has treated him over the last little while. I thought I'd pipe in with a few thoughts: 1) Benevolent... I understand that viewpoint... certainly Danimal has a very brash way about him... and it was true that he didn't always see the forest for the trees in the past. Truthfully none of us do when we are in the thick of the pain.... so he's just as entitled to that as any of us. But he is right in saying that things are a bit different this time out. As I said, I've been chatting with him daily (and given him the same kick in the butt you just did) and he's starting to see that this girl and this relationship were not healthy. Now it is on to bigger and better things. Let's do our best to support him in that. 2) Dan... you got a bit defensive there a few pages back. No worries man... we're all here to support you, so it's cool to vent.. but don't worry so much if we get some of the facts wrong... you've not kept most of us up to date. Also... don't be mad at yourself... it's tough to heal if you beat yourself up. 3) Annie: You mentioned how she might interpret the $$$. I think that absolutely DOES NOT matter. What Dan needs to decide is how HE is going to interpret this in his own heart... will he feel better paying it off, or not? I also agree with DN. It is best to take a little while before doing anything. The emotion, or lack of emotion, is still very fresh.... the decision can be made later... there is no rush. Personally my opinion is that it will be best to pay it off so the links are gone... it may even be a source of pride for Dan..... but it needs to be as unceremonious as possible. One possibility is to start saving for a few months, then just send the cheque so that it isn't a chance for future communication. 4) Back to Benevolent's suggestion about talking with someone... I think enotalone can help... but let's not forget that there are other places for support. In a situation like this, Dan you've been really injured and mistreated by this girl. Don't forget to seek out whatever help you need outside of enotalone... it shows wisdom to know when you need to talk out some problems. 5) Dan... one big thing that was brought up was about expectations and "change". If you'll allow me to make a generalization... one thing that you need to allow yourself, is the lee-way to realize that changes, healing, recovering, even getting back together (when that was your intention in the past months), all take a lot of time... You have a tendency to expect results very quickly. I know that feeling... when I'm feeling up, I'm SOOO up. But the key in all of this, is to KEEP working on you. For example, today you've been saying how you are over her.... it is very clear that you aren't, and NOBODY would ever expect you to be... what IS clear is that you have been getting a glimpse of what it will feel like to no longer be in love with her... that's cool.... grap that glimpse and SLOWLY internalize it... take your time to get over this at a reasonable pace instead of *announcing* that you are over it when there may still be more work to do. This is also true about your healing... in December you were starting to feel healed... but she came back into the picture and de-railed that progress. Remember to acknowledge your own humanity and realize that it's usually a PROCESS... not an overnight REVELATION. If you convince yourself of recovery too quickly, you tend to skip the REAL work that is required to get there. For now, you know you don't want her back... you are angry (with good reason).... let that be the START of your latest recovery, not the endpoint. S&D Link to comment
benevolent Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hopefully, this is finally over for your sake. My only confusion is that I thought your ex's demeanor and negative character was something that you were already aware of back in the few times she dumped you. I read these posts and am surprised that you are actually shocked by her treatment of you now. NC should be used to improve your mental and emotional self. No workout, loss in weight, new wardrobe, etc. is going to change you and make you ready to have a healthy and stable relationship again. It's is going to take a while - a long while - for you to work through this. Maybe professional advice is the best option for you. If you cannot look at the relationship and the roles you guys played in it from an objective standpoint you will not learn anything from that and all is lost and no amount of NC will fix that. You'll just be repeating the same pattern over and over again - which you have obviously done. After all, why do you think so many relationships fail? It takes two to tango and if both parties can't reciprocate then it's time to reconsider things. NC is also not a means to plan, strategize, manipulate or scheme a way to get an ex back or to "look at you" differently because you now have a new look. It has to be therapeutic. I'm sure reading about your ordeals makes others think 'hey I don't have it as bad as that guy" and I'm sure there are many a story in which you can say the same The biggest thing you can gain from NC is pure objectivity and a new approach in how you deal with personal relationships. More importantly, it has to be a better you. My opinion, is that based on how emotional and explosive you get on these posts, it's indicative of how you are with your "real world" relationships. Don't get me wrong, NC won't prepare you fully for the first lonely Christmas, running into her and her new bf, hearing your song on the radio or any one of these other "firsts". Yes it will sting, but it get's better over time ONLY if you allow yourself to heal. Let me know if you want more *ss kicking! Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Shocked and Dismayed, Thank you for all your support and still keeping an open and objective mind through it all. You've been a great source of comfort for these last few months and have offered me nothing but solid advice.... This was no exception.... Danimal Link to comment
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