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Just venting for distraction, *suicidal nonsense*

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I'm waiting till 5am to talk to a friend and between now (10:47pm) and then I need to just vent out. I don't think notes will cut it this time. I don't want responses but at the same time I do. Don't recommend me therapists or life changes. Please.

Also this might not make a lot of sense.

I have trauma. I won't admit it to myself but I know I do. 8 years worth of it and it only ended last year. This led me to think I'm ugly, unwanted and undesirable. I don't think I'll ever be enough for anyone. I'm paranoid like crazy about peoples thoughts about me. 


I hit my final straw yesterday with life, something happened that brought out everything I've tried concealing. Now I just feel lifeless to say the least. 

Yesterday I also almost got hit by a car. Like one step futher and it would have hit me. It didn't even affect me afterwards, it kind of just happened (you know?).

I feel like I'm okay with the thought and committing to dying now. Well I still am trying to hold on as it is for a certain someone. Though I feel like if I continue with life as it is now I'm going to end it soon. I mean that literally and mentally. I mean I'll finally be able to rest and let go of everything.

I've literally been abusing my own body to the point of pulling my hair and punching myself. I held a knife today, it in my hands felt reassuring. Don't worry I won't do anything now since I'm waiting till 5am. Honestly I've been repeatedly saying "I'm fine", "I'm normal", "I'm not crazy" to myself.

I envy people who are normal. I know no one is living life normally but there are people who are actually living life. 

Life is unfair. 

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Keep hanging on.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  

You said not to recommend therapy so I won't but I will share that the right therapist helped me tremendously.  The wrong ones sucked & made things worse. 

Have you tried any of the following: 



self help books

religion / prayer 

helping others -- when you are in the dumps, the act of volunteering & doing for others can do wonders for your perspective 


the power of positive thinking 

keeping a gratitude journal where you write down 3 good things about every day when you wake up & 3 more before you go to sleep.  You read it once a week & it helps you to realize that there are some good things about your life. 


I hope things start to look up for you. 

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9 hours ago, Randomthoughts said:

This led me to think I'm ugly, unwanted and undesirable. I don't think I'll ever be enough for anyone. I'm paranoid like crazy about peoples thoughts about me. 

If you are paranoid about people's thoughts about you, then please be paranoid about my thoughts and repeat them to yourself as many times as you want.

You are not ugly. You are not unwanted. You are not undesirable. This world needs you in it. I don't know why and I don't know when that purpose will be clear. But I know you are needed. Even if it's just for that one person you mentioned, you are needed.

I've been where you are. I've thought I was undesirable. I've been okay with the thought of letting go and didn't care if I suddenly did get hit by a car and died. I held a knife and imagined cutting myself. I've talked to myself saying "It's okay" over and over. And I've thought about how unfair life is.

But I could never go through with anything. In the end I know that I'm here for a reason, just as you are here for a reason. Our lives are precious gifts and we never know what is around the corner or when we will be needed. If I had ended things I would have never met someone special to me who helped turn my life and feelings in a more posititve directions. I would have never been able to help her in turn. And I wouldn't be here to help encourage people like you. 

Life can get better. And the darkness you're feeling now can help you appreciate the light that will come eventually. Please, don't do anything you can't take back. Let us know you are okay.

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