The Burden

[cassiana]

Why do some people have such fear of commitment and view it as a burden?

Is this just a line?

Does this make them selfish?

[kenneth05]

selfish? maybe.

Self-centered, self-absorbed? maybe.

Afraid? could be.

Am I guessing? Of course.

 

[Hope75]

Funny, we just talked about this in my Ethics class last night, we were discussing sex and commitment, marriage etc. Our prof. told us that statistically men tend to see commitment as "the ball and chain"....jail.... you know how at a batchelor party the groom's friends will typically tell him things like, "Oh, this is your last night of freedom, get it all out tonight...." and you hear comments like "Oh, two down, three more to go" about a guy who's friends are getting married or married.

 

It's a common problem apparently. According to the study, it seems the majority of women associate commitment with liberation, i.e. the security of the partner liberates them into being themselves and feeling comfortable the man won't leave.

 

Interesting the way it's traditionally viewed differently between the sexes.

 

(obviously there are exceptions to the rule, this is just a majority study of some sort he read to us).

[hearo97]

Some people have just been burned so badly in the past that they can't see past that.

 

A man was married, his wife cheated on him for years without him knowing... it's very difficult to see past that.

 

A woman was in an abusive relationship, lucky to get out with everything in tact... same thing.

 

These are extreme examples, but the idea is there. Even if one hasn't experienced it personally, maybe they've seen it first hand and don't want to subject themselves to it.

 

It's a selfish outlook, but those people that don't want to commit are often looking at it more as self preservation. Don't push anything, if it's meant to be, it will.

[passions1]

Some people have a fear of commitment for several reasons. It could be the following, the idea of possibly failing is a big one especially if they have some self-esteem or confidence issues with themselves.

 

Some people are just afraid of getting hurt & would rather play it "safe", than proceed on further.

[Mr Meh]

I tend to think of the word selfish as a negative thing. Choosing not to commit to someone can be a personal choice made for a lot of reasons not necessarily insecurity or fear.. I find it interesting from the other side: Why this obsession with commitment? In my own experience, women turn on the heat way too soon and can't seem to just accept having fun for awhile without bringing in marriage, biological clocks, soul mates etc. It's like I have a choice to sign on for life or nothing, that's if I pass the initial inspection and interview.

I have always strived to have a relationship without that pressure, but it inevitably comes; even the one "no strings attached" sex thing I had, became her calling every day, then going out for dinner, then strings....

Finding "the one" is a compulsive pre-occupation we humans seem to have that excludes everything else in life in a lot of cases.

[Hope75]

In my own experience, women turn on the heat way too soon and can't seem to just accept having fun for awhile without bringing in marriage, biological clocks, soul mates etc. It's like I have a choice to sign on for life or nothing, that's if I pass the initial inspection and interview.

 

It's unfortunate that alot of your experience had been as such, and I have to agree that as a whole women tend to look for security in a relationship, but I do think there are also some women who are just as happy to date casually, and do not want to get married or have a family.

 

On the flip side, I dated one guy who was asking me after 3 weeks what we would name our future child!! (he had to go, if you know what I mean...)

 

I think it can go both ways.

[DN]

For many men, the fear is not of commitment as such - it is fear of divorce because they have the perception that they could lose their children, home, money etc. and see the courts as very biased against men in family law.

[Mr Meh]

I think it can go both ways

Oh definitely, it's just that I haven't dated many men...

 

Yeah I've dated women that talk about the future after a couple of dates (When we're at the Lake this summer......uh ,it's January!), and they really don't understand why the pressure sends men running.

 

it is fear of divorce because they have the perception that they could lose their children, home, money etc. and see the courts as very biased against men in family law.

Agreed. Men definitely get the short end in almost all cases these days.

[Iceman26]

I think being in a relationship is only a burden if you are with the wrong person.

[chai714]

Why do some people have such fear of commitment and view it as a burden?

Is this just a line?

Does this make them selfish?

 

No such phobia exists. People who are rejected try to rationalize the situation by saying he/she is a committment phobe, but this only helps them feel better about themselves and makes them think they understand their situation. It provides an explanation for why things are the way they are, but it's a false answer to the "why's" of things.

 

It is just a line, yes.

 

Does this make them selfish? No. Does it make them a liar? Yes, but only because they're hiding behind the real reason they don't want to be with you.

[Falucchi]

I said this in another post regarding people who claim to be "afraid" of commitment.

 

Why are they "afraid" of only the giving part of commitment? The have no fears in taking:

they take your time, energy, love, emotions, mind-- no problem.

They'll be with you, spend time with you, have sex with you, eat dinner with you, take your calls, talk to you-- they'll TAKE all they can get-- no fears.

 

An analogy I used was: I'm "afraid" of spending money. I'll be more than happy to shop and get shoes and clothes and good food and toys and CD's and more clothes and a new iPOD and computer and a new car--- but DO NOT ask me to PAY for it-- I'm afraid. I have a fear of payment. I love to GET things, but my "fear" comes in giving. But please keep giving, don't stop giving, give me give me give me-- because I'm "scared." Give-- you might fix me!

 

They suddenly become "afraid" when it comes to giving. Selfish? Spolied? Maybe. Lazy? Probably. But it works.

Women tend to give til it hurts, hoping it will only hurt til it gives.

I always ask, who cares what their problem is--- why are you with someone who isn't giving?

[RayKay]

I don't believe in commitment-phobia....I believe it is a fear of committing to the WRONG person, your heart and mind are telling you it is not "right" so you don't want to commit. People justify it as saying its a fear of commitment, when really they just made a choice not to be with you...you are not the one for them.

 

People don't want to get "stuck" with the wrong person, plain and simple.

[shorty20]

I think it's not necessarily a burden, but just something that is very scary. it requires committment and time and alot of times, people don't want to take on all the responsibility. Personally speaking, I always tell the guys I start seeing to go very slow. Certain things about relationships scare me and if things start moving too fast i get scared... the moving slow part is so I don't get scared and run away from a great thing! I don't know if that makes any sense, but....

[shademan]

I am selfish

[cassiana]

I think what Falucci said was spot on. I'm definitely going to use that point in my next argument.

 

The reason why women want commitment is because we are at the mercy of our biological clocks. A man can be as selfsih as he likes and string women along but he may alos be denying her a chance of children and the fulfilment that that brings. A women cannot do that to a man. A man can say he doesn't want to settle down until he's 70 and then become a father a woman cannot. Women would be alot more relaxed too if they didn't have to make a decision on motherhood so early and with no going back. I wish men would be sensitive to that.

 

I never put pressure on my ex. He keeps contacting me, then panicking even before I had a chance to open my mouth. that's why I think Faluccis analogy is perfect. To my Ex i'm like money. He wants me, he enjoys me, he just doesn't want to give anything back. I think hes selfish.

in business you have to speculate to accumulate. Its the same in life. Commitment phobes end up with nothing and eventually nobody cares anyway.

[DN]

The reason why women want commitment is because we are at the mercy of our biological clocks. A man can be as selfsih as he likes and string women along but he may alos be denying her a chance of children and the fulfilment that that brings. A women cannot do that to a man. A man can say he doesn't want to settle down until he's 70 and then become a father a woman cannot. Women would be alot more relaxed too if they didn't have to make a decision on motherhood so early and with no going back. I wish men would be sensitive to that.

 

I can understand where you are coming from with this - but the danger that you run into when you state that to a man, or at least give him that impression, is that he then knows that the main reason you want him is not as a husband and lover but as a father to your children. Of course, most people want children, the urge to procreate is very strong - but we, men and women, also want partners who are there for us as individuals, people who will still be there when the children are long gone.

 

Many women, and some men, especially those who have put off relationships until later, give the impression that having children is their main priority and the relationship somewhat secondary.

[cassiana]

well that's slightly ironic as most men give the impression that they merely want women for sex and then to move on no strings attached. Hence the term commitment phobe was born to cover what is in fact a far more selfish urge.

Then in late middle age your commitment phobe might realise that hes getting old and hed better find someone to wipe his bottom in old age.Also he feels the urge to procreate. Then he marries what he can for that security. Example . Warren Beatty.

The man is no different from the woman exacept that he has more time.

[DN]

well that's slightly ironic as most men give the impression that they merely want women for sex and then to move on no strings attached. Hence the term commitment phobe was born to cover what is in fact a far more selfish urge.

Then in late middle age your commitment phobe might realise that hes getting old and hed better find someone to wipe his bottom in old age.Also he feels the urge to procreate. Then he marries what he can for that security. Example . Warren Beatty.

The man is no different from the woman exacept that he has more time.

 

There may be a few men like that but 'most men' is a gross exaggeration. Warren Beatty is no more representative of men than Anna Nicole Smith is representative of women. The fact is, that although the marriage rate is declining, most people still marry – which includes most men.

 

In fact the median age for marriage has risen for both men and women, but the age difference is still fairly close.

[OceanEyes]

I don't believe in commitment-phobia....I believe it is a fear of committing to the WRONG person, your heart and mind are telling you it is not "right" so you don't want to commit. People justify it as saying its a fear of commitment, when really they just made a choice not to be with you...you are not the one for them.

 

THANK YOU RAYKAY! This is exactly what I've thought every time I see a thread about someone who is commitment-phobic, or see something similar on t.v. or hear from a friend. I always think the same thing, "just because this person does not want a relationship with you does not make them a selfish commitment-phobic person".

 

Also something I wanted to add: not all women want secure, committed relationships with weddings and babies. I think it's stereotypical, especially in this day in age, to assume that it's only women who are out for rings. I am sure that many are, but I can honestly say that I know MORE that AREN'T. I am 25 years old and in absolutely no rush to be married with kids. One day when I feel an urge to do these things, I'll pursue them, but I know at this point of mine and my boyfriend's life, it's simply not in the cards.

[cassiana]

First of all the word most doesnt mean all and to use the term gross exaggerration is surely in of itself a gross exaggeration.

 

Secondly Benjamin Disraeli once wrote "there are lies, damn lies and statistics" so its hard to lend credibility for a bunch of numbers attached to a bunch of years for no fixed country accredited to no known source.

Also in this day and age in some countries marriage doesn't seem to reflect commitment either. I have read in the media of the nex concept of starter marriages. So marry as much as you like, you can still be a commitment phobe.

I also think there is a big difference between breaking up with someone because you are not compatible together which is wholly understandable and breaking up because you are afraid of commitment. They are two totally different things.

[DN]

Mark Twain attributed that quote to Disraeli, but there is no written record of him ever saying it. Secondly, Disraeli is also reported to have said, "Damn your principles, stick to your Party.” - an astute politician and world statesman, but hardly a poster boy for unbiased opinion.

 

I still think to say 'most men give the impression that they merely want women for sex and then to move on no strings attached' is a gross exaggeration, in the sense of gross as very large. You can easily do your own search to find the number of people who do get married in your locale. In the US and Canada, more women file for divorce than men.