Should I contact her?

[uproared]

Hi Guys,

 

I was just referred to this site from another 'breakup survival' community, and I'd like to ask your opinions on contacting her.

 

My (Short) Story:

 

My ex of five years broke up with me over 2 months ago. When she first broke up with me she told me that she was hurt and needed space (I had not supported her when she needed it) as her grandma was very sick and she needed to focus on that. She told me how much she loved me, that she didn't want to be with anybody else and that she knew I was the one and we would end up together. It was my first breakup, and I had no idea what to do, so I bombarded her with emails and phone calls telling her how much I loved her, etc.

 

I met up with her a month later and she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, that she wasn't sure if I was "the one", and that I while I continue to contact her she cannot remember the 'good times' we had. A couple of weeks later she told me that she wanted to be with other people and that she wanted to get over me. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later (again), and after some mis-communication she SMSed me to tell me that she hated me and that I had screwed everything up beyond repair. She hasn't contacted me once since our breakup, except the message telling me that she hates me. I understand why she said it though; and I'm going to sound like a prick...but here goes... Her grandma died a week after we broke up, and my ex refused to let me see her to support her. I had flowers sent to her house by a florist that delivers (she lives with her parents), but that was the most I was allowed to do. I was going out of my mind knowing how upset she would have been and not being allowed to help her...I was in bed for 3 days crying. A few days later I was supposed to have lunch with a mutual friend (who is more of my g/fs friend, but is very similar to me in terms of personality and was very supportive of the breakup process). The friend SMSed me to tell me that she was going to my ex's grandmother's funeral with her. That sent me over the edge, as I couldn't believe that my ex just cut me off like that when I loved and cared for her so much...I should have been there to support her. My emotions got the better of me, and I sent a couple of messages to the friend saying "f#ck "exsname", how can she treat me like I dont exist, etc. etc.". The friend told me that I could vent on her and that she wouldn't tell my ex about them, but a couple of weeks ago she showed them to her. I screwed up, I know, but the breakup came as such a shock and I had no idea how to deal with everything. When she SMSed me that she hated me, etc. I replied very calmly telling her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that I still loved her, etc.

 

Since then I have not contacted her, as I have finally had the emotional stability to maintain NC. It has been almost 3 weeks since complete NC began. She unblocked me from her MSN list the other day (I asked her to block me when we broke up so that I would not be tempted to contact her), however I have not messaged her. I have omitted a LOT of details, probably some very relevant ones, but I didn't want to write a thesis

 

Now, I want to send her an email in a couple of weeks appologising for my post-breakup behaviour (contacting her when she needed space, and also getting angry on two occasions). Here is what I have so far, is there something I should/shouldn't be sending, or should I send anything at all?

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I am sorry for the way I behaved after our break-up (not giving you space when you needed it, etc.). Hurt, confusion and rejection can make us act irrationally at times... I did not handle the situation well as I let my emotions get the better of me on several occasions. Of course, it probably didn't help that my intentions were frequently misinterpreted and misconveyed, but that is often the case with break-ups. I wont go into it now, but this time apart has helped me to identify my faults, and I am a better person for it. Hopefully you will remember me for the person you love(d) for five years rather than the person you broke up with. I want you to know that your happiness is very important to me .

 

I hope that your end of semester exam(s)/assignments went well.

 

Have a great time in Bali. Don't give your suitcase to the airport 'porters' again! =)

 

P.S. I am committed to giving you space, I just felt that you deserved an apology. If you initiate contact I may reply, but otherwise you will not hear from me again. Please do not reply to this email.

 

xo

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Oh boy, that turned out pretty long.

 

Thanks in advance for your opinions. Obviously there is a lot more to the story than I have described, and I have only really highlighted my negatives (rather than hers)...But I do think it's the right thing to do to send her an apology email.

 

Oh, and I do want to get back with her. I know it wont happen next week, but eventually I do want it to happen. It's funny, if I knew we would get back together, I wouldn't care how long we were apart, or if she was with other people, etc. It's not that I'm needy of her, I just truly love her. I have made mistakes in the past, however I have learnt from them. We started going out when I was 15 (and she 16), so although I have never dated another, I know that I truly love her.

[heloladies21]

Don't worry friend, this kind of things happens to all of us usually once in our lives, if not more. happened to me that's for sure. So here's the deal, you have to stop blaming yourself for the break up. It wasn't your fault. You don't have to be perfect in relationships and don't let your ex brainwash you into thinking otherwise. You were yourself and that's all you can ask for. And emotions are very strong during the break up with your first. It's always the case and too hard to control so don't beat yourself up about that stuff either. So here's what you can do:

 

Be mad at her for now!

 

This chick drops you on a dime, makes no effort to check on you, no effort to contact you, and tries to keep you as a backup plan just in case she changes her mind. This is called disrespect and it's only a matter of time before you see it. So do this for now, stay in No Contact, throw away the email, and see if she contacts you. If she does, the be cool, but busy and cut the convo short. See if she starts to chase you and then you can decide if you even still want her back. She's going to have to work for it too. It's the only way things would work. But if she doesn't contact you (within 1-2 more weeks), drop the case as she never really cared about you anyways and you deserve someone better than that.

 

You're a good kid and you have a lot of love to give. Make sure you show yourself love and only accept someone who's willing to love you back the same way.

[kazman32]

In the same situation here,my ex made me the backup plan.I got angry and have used the anger to fuel myself,I have made huge improvments in myself and have gotten over her and am moving on.It sucks to be made#2 by someone you care about so much,I truly understand,stay strong and stay in nc.Take care!

[alphonsefa]

DO NOT CONTACT HER! If you do you are going to make yourself look desperate and needy, two things that will scare a woman away for good. Don't worry about what was said last or who should've, could've, or would've done this or that. Any negative feelings she has for you will get erased by your absense in her life. It's just like that Cinderella song, "don't know what you got, until it's gone". Let her miss you. She can't do that if you are always there. The longer you hang around, the more respect she will lose for you. Trust me on this one man, I speak from experience. I'm caught up in my own little drama. I have a girl that swore she would never call me again, call me a couple of days ago, after 3 1/2 months of NC. I doubt my situation will ever resolve itself the way I want, but at least I can leave with my head up, my respect in tact, and the fact of knowing, that for her to swallow her pride and pick up the phone to "just see how I was doing", means that she must be missing me again. I don't know if she'll ever call again, that's just how she is. Her logic follows no reasoning. The only control I have are my actions towards her. I refuse to be a doormat everytime she gets lonely and starts doubting her decision to walk away from me, something that she has grown very good at doing. Look out for yorself, by confusing her to no end. Go NC and give her, her wish. Let her experience life without you for a while.

[Boundaries]

It's easy to want a relationship when you don't have one. If you took her for granted, she probably realizes it now. She believed in you and the relationship but since you let her down, she has decided to let go and move on. She won't be able to go back because all the hurt you've caused her is unforgettable...especially if she really loved you. Even if you reallize how much you love her now, it's too late. So learn from it and move on. She has.

 

"helloladies" - I think you're full of cr@p.

[uproared]

It's easy to want a relationship when you don't have one. If you took her for granted, she probably realizes it now. She believed in you and the relationship but since you let her down, she has decided to let go and move on. She won't be able to go back because all the hurt you've caused her is unforgettable...especially if she really loved you. Even if you reallize how much you love her now, it's too late. So learn from it and move on. She has.

 

"helloladies" - I think you're full of cr@p.

 

I never took her for granted. My parents were going through a messy divorce and I was in the middle of it, something which definitely had its toll on our relationship. What perpetuated it was that she never communicated her feelings to me (she has admitted this to me post-breakup). I always knew how much I loved her, and she knew that too, that was never an issue.

 

I dont believe that any hurt I have caused her is unforgettable. I have been in a rediculous amount of pain for the past 2 months, yet I would still take her back. But you're right, maybe she has just "moved on".

 

I thought that my devotion to the relationship would be a +. I have made mistakes, but I have learnt from them. This was our first 'serious relationship' for both of us, obviously neither of us are going to be perfect. I only wish that I had "learnt my lessons" from somebody else (i.e. a prior relationship).

 

I will give her complete space, and move on as best I can, however a part of me still believes that we will end up together again. I still want to write the email, but I will give it some more thought.

 

Thanks for your replies guys.

[danimal77]

No MORE apologies. No MORE I love You's. No MORE I miss you. NONE of that!!! NONE...

 

I know that you were inexperienced when it came to you handling the breakup, but what you did was make it worse with everything you did. Live and learn, right?

 

I'll give you an analogy a friend of mine gave me. It's like baseball, whereby the batter has 3 swings and then he is out, right? Now, the only thing that is different here, is that in real life you get to keep swinging, but, you have to give yourself and the pitcher a rest before you go back in and you can't be so damn predictable. She is NOT looking for apologies. I can guarantee you that....

 

I want you to stop making the same mistakes with her.

 

For now, I strongly suggest you do NOTHING for another month to 2 months. If she said she hates you, stay the FUK away for now. You can't make this better overnight. It will only make it worse....

 

You've already said your sorry. She knows your sorry. Right now she is angry, hurt, etc...and so, you stay away and live your own life and do what makes you happy in the meantime and let TIME do what it does best and if and when you decided to approach her in the future you must be at a stage where you are able to CONTROL your emotions and reactions and not blurt out the first thing that comes to your head and NO mention of feelings or relationship. Forget that you ever had one with her. I MEAN IT!!

 

She wants NO more pressure. She doesn't want a boy chasing her down saying he can't live without her. She wants a man who values himself and is willing to walk away if he has to.

 

You won't get this from anyone else on Enotalone, but I see no harm in contacting her in the future, but that time isn't now. Not by a long shot!!

 

Good Luck,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

A simple rule you and I have both learned...never ever ever put down in writing angry words. Anger is a usually fleeting emotion, and to write those words down, they become permanent, and usually end up coming back to haunt you...

 

Your trust was betrayed by your ex gf's friend. Shame she felt a need to do that. But that is done. Your ex is angry of course, and has a right to be. And the apology email you wrote on here that you were considering sending sounds very clear and to the point. We all on here have different opinions, but if it was me, I would send it, and then after that, not send any more, not call, nothing. Give it some time, like Danimal said, and then after a month or two, drop her a line, call, whatever. It's hard to let go until you know that the ex is truly done. It's hard to let go period, for that matter. But you need to give her that time. And then you need to find out, one way or another, whether there is any chance for the future with her. But you MUST give her the time to get over this "fleeting" anger that she feels right now.

 

That's the best I can do. Hope there is a shred of reason in it...good luck...Michael

[danimal77]

Michael, this guy also never came back on here, as you can see...He did what he wanted to as well..Which seemed expected...

 

I will comment on what you wrote though. Him sending her that letter is something she will not be open to. she is closed right now and it will only be seen as desperation. He was/is better off writing that letter and then tearing it apart, because it was written in the heat of and may have no more merit or meaning in a month from now...

 

Step away and your thoughts change. They become more realistic and logical and less emotionally based...Time will open doors and present yourself with opportunites you never thought would be there....

 

Danimal

[uproared]

Thanks for your input Michael.

 

Danimal, I never sent the email. It is still in my drafts folder (where it has been sitting for the last 2 weeks), and I am reading it and amending it every day. I'm still not sure whether or not to send it...

 

Part of the problem in our relationship was that our communication broke down. If she had left me for another guy (or something similar) I wouldn't give her the time of day, however she says that she left because she was hurt; as such, I thought that an appologetic email 1 month after NC might be beneficial.

 

Here is what the email says currently:

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear ,

 

I just want to tell you that I am sorry for the way I behaved after our break-up (not giving you space when you needed it, etc.). Hurt, confusion and rejection can make us act irrationally at times... I did not handle the situation well as I let my emotions get the better of me on several occasions. I thought that my persistence would demonstrate my devotion to our relationship; ironically (and understandably in hindsight) it pushed you further away. I wont go into it now, but this time apart has helped me to identify my flaws, and I am a stronger person for it. Hopefully you will remember me for the person you love(d) for five years rather than the person you broke up with. I want you to know that your happiness is very important to me , even if that means us not being together.

 

I hope that your end of semester exam(s)/assignments went well.

 

Have a great time in Bali. Don't give your suitcase to the airport 'porters' again! =)

 

xo

 

P.S. I am committed to giving you space, I just felt that you deserved an apology. I realise that time must pass and obstacles must be overcome before either of us can assess the situation with any clarity. All I ask is that you are honest with yourself. If you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I assure you that this isn't some impulsive need to contact her. I am giving it a lot of thought, and I'm not just looking for people to say "send it to her", I'm after honest opinions like yours

[uproared]

I'm actually more inclined NOT to send it, I'm probably 80/20.

 

I don't want to break NC after having gone 1 month, but at the same time, I dont want her remembering the negatives. Anyway, I will leave it for now. I will be seeing her at the 21st of a mutual friend on the 26th of the next month - so I suppose I will see her there.