My ex and my novel...

[Cynder]

Wow...  I just went downstairs to shower and pack tomorrow's lunch before I got to bed.  And I saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge.  He will only drink filtered water and sometimes he goes and fills up jugs at the reverse osmosis machines all around town. 

I forgot all about this until now.  But seeing his water filter made me remember the time Z and I were sitting outside and I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about the water coolers at work.  She said she would never trust drinking from a water cooler at work because who knows who's spitting in it, etc.  I told her these are reverse osmosis cools, you can't get into them without a key and people come from the water company to change them when they are out. 

She immediately went off on this whole tangent about hos disgusting that is and how disgusting I am for drinking that water because according to her reverse osmosis is sewage that has been purified.  I told her I've never heard that.  SO I looked it up on my phone right in front of her.  It's not sewage that's filtered.  It's just a different filtering process for filtering regular water.  I showed her a video on it that was about two minutes long.  But she still kept insisting I'm drinking sewage all day at work.  I told her if you want to get technical all water was probably sewage at some point, because of the way water goes through the water cycle and evaporates and stuff.  She was like, "You're not helping your case here!" 

She started talking about how from now on she's not going to kiss me until after I brush my teeth when I get home from work, etc.  And then our neighbor came over and was talking to us for a little bit and I said something to him (not about the water, about whatever we were talking about and Z was like, "Shut up sh*tmouth." 

I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking."  And for the rest of the conversation she's telling me things like "Go drink some water out of the toilet like you do at work." 

I forgot about this until now.  She wasn't just joking around either.  This wasn't just sarcasm, etc.  She was legit being mean. 

She seemed so stuck on all these ideas about me being this disgusting person.  I don't bathe enough.  I stink.  I knowingly drink sewage, etc.  None of that is true.  It was like believing that I"m a physically gross person made her feel better about herself.  She was so insecure about how she looks, etc.  And she took several showers a day.  She was obsessive about her hygiene, etc. 

She didn't have OCD.  SOoe people can be really obsessive about certain things and not have OCD.  SO I won't sit here and say I think she had OCD or not, but she had some really obsessive tenancies. 

I told her once that while I have no clue what she's going through as far as gender dysphoria is concerned, I do know what it's like to obsess about things, and I also know what it's like to hate your body.  So, from experiencing those things, I can at least make an educated guess about how she feels on a daily basis.  I am not in her shoes.  But I was attempting to show empathy the best way I could.  That was a huge mistake because it became, "How dare you compare your problems to mine?!"  I wasn't comparing.  I was just trying to see things from her perspective.  But I was told gender dysphoria is way worse than OCD.  I don't think of anyone mental struggle as a competition.  All disorders are on a spectrum.  There are people with OCD who can barely leave their houses because their symptoms are so bad.  Then there are people like me who have a lot of obsessions and who ritualized a lot of things, but who also have it under control to the point where it doesn't disrupt their lives, at least not often.  To her though, everything was transaction and everything was a competition. 

I feel so sad for her current partner who is mentally disabled.  I'm not saying mentally disabled people are defective and that they don't deserve to date, fall in love, etc.  But I a good friend of mine knows this person.  They are severely mentally disabled.  They can't work, etc.  They function on the mental level of a 12-14 year old.  So, someone like that is probably very trusting and very easy to take advantage of.  Z has the perfect partner for herself.  This person will probably never question her.  They are probably handing over all their money to her.  And from what I heard Z is still a raging alcoholic, and I know what a mean drunk she is.  I bet she's really nasty to her current SO when she's drinking and her current SO is probably being gaslit into thinking it's not really happening or that Z is only that way because she loves them, etc.  I hope they get out of that relationship before too much damage is done.  It's really sad.  

[Batya33]

Do you keep paper near you/with you so you can write down ideas/thoughts whatever if you're not near your computer? I do for my job and other reasons - also it's kind of neat sometimes to jot down a weird dream (haven't done that in ages though). You mentioned you think of writing about your ex when you're not near your computer.

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you keep paper near you/with you so you can write down ideas/thoughts whatever if you're not near your computer? I do for my job and other reasons - also it's kind of neat sometimes to jot down a weird dream (haven't done that in ages though). You mentioned you think of writing about your ex when you're not near your computer.

Not paper, but I have a file on my phone that is full of notes and ideas.  I actually wrote some stuff in it that I wanted to write about in this thread and last night was the first chance I had to do it.  (Except the water filter, that was just something I thought about when I went downstairs early this morning and saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. 

I have two tenants currently, and the guy who is living in my basement (the one with the water filter) is a chef.  That alone has brought back a few memories because so was she.  But she rarely cooked anything (which is fine, I never expected her to cook just because she did it professionally.) But he cooks all the time.  I mean, there is so much food a lot of it goes to waste.  Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made.  He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc.  And then last night he went and picked up a friend who works at Bob Evans after she closed the restaurant.  And she gave him a big box of left over biscuits.  So today he made this big batch of sausage gravy. 

He made some really good pasta from scratch last week.  I took that to work with me a couple nights last week. 

I'm not complaining.  That's what he likes to do, so hey, cook away.  He was asking me yesterday why I don't eat more.  And his cooking is awesome, but it's not exactly healthy.  I'm a healthy eater and I don't sit down to big meals.  I eat small amounts here and there throughout the day.  I just hope his feelings aren't hurt that I'm not always stuffing my face, lol. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't worry -simply tell him thank you and you will partake of course and maybe make some offhand comment like -you know - small appetite.

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't worry -simply tell him thank you and you will partake of course and maybe make some offhand comment like -you know - small appetite.

Yea, he's not upset or anything.  I just hope he understands.  He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. 

I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc.  She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff.  And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town.  Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yea, he's not upset or anything.  I just hope he understands.  He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. 

I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc.  She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff.  And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town.  Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence. 

 

Obviously that's disgusting. Karma! I can't be bothered by people who make assumptions about what I eat or don't eat.  Having been the target of unwelcome comments I never comment on what others choose to eat or not - just not kind and often intrusive.  With the exception of my son - but even then I'm extremely selective about what I say and quite often he initiates conversations about healthful eating/making heallthful choices.  He does reasonably well and I'd rather he eat some questionable things than have me hover.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Obviously that's disgusting. Karma! I can't be bothered by people who make assumptions about what I eat or don't eat.  Having been the target of unwelcome comments I never comment on what others choose to eat or not - just not kind and often intrusive.  With the exception of my son - but even then I'm extremely selective about what I say and quite often he initiates conversations about healthful eating/making heallthful choices.  He does reasonably well and I'd rather he eat some questionable things than have me hover.

I wish my parents would have fed me better as a kid.  It's not like we starved.  There was always plenty of food.  But my Mom cooked junk a lot.  Hot pockets, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, etc.  We ate a lot of highly processed crap.  And my parents were really big on "clean your plate!"  And also, it didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food.  You ate what was put in front of you, no exceptions. 

As soon as I got out of the house I changed the way I eat.  I was a vegetarian for a while when I was younger.  Not out of principle or anything, I'm just not big on meat, not even now.  I eat mostly fish when I do decide to eat meat. 

I'm really surprised I have all my teeth, too.  Because not only were we fed crap but we never went to the dentist as kids.  But I'm also kind of obsessive about taking care of my teeth. 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking."

I don't even know her and I think I like her better when she's not talking. 

She sounds like the kind of person who always has to have an opinion on everything, and that opinion is always right. Wait, you have facts that disprove her? Well the facts are wrong because she is always right. And how dare you question her. Those are really annoying and sad people. Be glad you don't have to put up with her any more. Though she does sound like a fountain of ideas for you to create stories from. Can't wait to read about a reverse osmosis water filtering conspiracy. 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff

It's interesting how much people like her project things onto others. She would do something so disgusting, so in her mind everyone does it and thus she can't trust others handling her food. Yet they never stop to think about their own actions.  

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made.  He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc. 

If you can't eat it all, I'd be happy to take some. Think I got hungry just reading about it. 😉

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't even know her and I think I like her better when she's not talking. 

She sounds like the kind of person who always has to have an opinion on everything, and that opinion is always right. Wait, you have facts that disprove her? Well the facts are wrong because she is always right. And how dare you question her. Those are really annoying and sad people. Be glad you don't have to put up with her any more. Though she does sound like a fountain of ideas for you to create stories from. Can't wait to read about a reverse osmosis water filtering conspiracy. 

It's interesting how much people like her project things onto others. She would do something so disgusting, so in her mind everyone does it and thus she can't trust others handling her food. Yet they never stop to think about their own actions.  

If you can't eat it all, I'd be happy to take some. Think I got hungry just reading about it. 😉

Her saying she liked me better when I didn't talk was a regular thing when she was drinking a lot. 

I wish I could say a lot of people probably like her better when she isn't talking.  But it seems like everyone just loves her.  Our neighbor was standing there talking to us during this exchange and he didn't seem bothered at all by the way she was treating me.  The whole time we were together, she didn't have friends over to the house.  But there were plenty of times where my friend came over.  And she treated me this way in front of people I knew, and no one ever said a thing.  It was stuff like that that made me think maybe I am the problem here.  But, now none of those people are my friends anymore.  They all sided with her and I cut them all out of my life.  They've all reached out and apologized and tried to be friends with me again.  And I've told them all basically, "Apology accepted, access denied."  Most of them asked why, and I said, "You made your choice.  You chose her.  Now deal with that." 

She quits jobs like it's nothing and always just walks in somewhere and walks out with a job.  She screws roommates out of rent, etc, and gets kicked out of places, but always finds somewhere else to live, usually within a day.  She treats people like crap, and there's never been any consequences.  But she's also really hot.  So she can basically do whatever she wants in our society. 

I heard multiple people say she's so fun when she's drunk.  I legit wondered if I was crazy because she was such a mean drunk.  And she was also a really sloppy drunk.  I cleaned up her puke multiple times, I made sure she was asleep on her side with a bunch of pillows piled up so she couldn't roll over and choke, etc.  No one seemed to recognize any of that. 

Even our roommate, all she ever had to say was, "It's just so funny!!!" 

And now I keep looking back and feeling so angry at the way I was treated but also angry that this was my life for a while.  And you're right, to her, facts were worthless.  It doesn't matter how reverse osmosis water is actually filtered.  All that matters is what she thinks.  And since I drink it at work, well I'm sh*tmouth, and I need to shut up and go drink from the toilet, etc.  When she first moved in here we used to sit out on my porch and talk all night, literally.  And we would have these serious conversations about stuff like religion, and the meaning of life, etc.  But she was sober for most of those conversations, too. 

And yea, she is a fountain of ideas alright.  I have two characters based on her.  A character in another novel I'm working on is a raging alcoholic who she inspired. 

Yep, she is the queen of projection too.  Like, who would really spit in a water cooler?  Well, she would.  She used to also give me a lot of crap when I worked out at Planet Fitness and would use the Hydro Massage beds.  It's like laying on a waterbed with jets underneath that massage you.  You're not in water.  Despite explaining this to her multiple times, and even taking a picture of the bed to show her, she would always tell me how gross that is because who knows who has been in that water and what kind of bodily fluids are in there.  No one is "in the water." but that didn't matter to her because who cares about facts?

History is being made today.  This is the only time in my life I will ever see a total Solar Eclipse.  An Eclipse is a good time to let go of things.  It's a reminder of how small we are in the Universe.  I'm going to bed for a few hours and then waking up to go out to my Mom's house in the middle of nowhere to have the best view.  I'm sure it will inspire me in so many ways.  And hopefully I can let go of a lot of crap I don't need to carry anymore.  I designed a tattoo for someone who is working with the University in my city just to commemorate this occasion for the,.  So, this is something that I will only see once, and someone has my artwork representing it on their body for life.  Those are the things I need to be thinking about today.  While the Eclipse is happening my ex will probably be sitting in front of her PS4 drinking and playing Red Dead Redemption.  She complains so much about not living a better life, yet she won't get off her ass and live a better life.  So, even though it's not a matter of winning or losing, in the end, who is really living a better life? 

Hey, if you lived in my area I'd totally have you over for dinner.  My roommate can cook, too.  I mean, he went to culinary school and worked in some high end restaurants.  It's something he's really passionate about.  My upstairs tenant and I will never go hungry with him here.  I feel like I should give him a discount on rent for how much he feeds me, lol.  Him and I and his ex (who he's now best friends with) are taking a road trip next weekend, too.  So I have that to look forward to. 

Thanks for replying.  I always like reading your posts, old timer. 

[Cynder]

There is a pretty scathing post about one of the restaurants she worked at in out town on Facebook right now.  It's in our town's public Facebook group.  Someone who used to work there posted a bunch of pics of how nasty the kitchen is and how some of the employees there do really nasty things to the food.  Seeing this actually didn't bother me.  It's not a place I go, haven't been there in years.  And it also made me wonder if she was one of the employees this person is talking about.  If so, I hope she saw that post, too.  I wonder how she feels being called out like that, even if it's anonymous. 

I know this is not a good situation.  It's not a good thing that this place is open and serving food when it's that dirty, etc.  I know all the people who do eat there probably saw that post and were really disgusted.  I don't mean to come off completely self centered.  I know it's not a good thing.  I'm just saying since I don't go there personally, and because she probably saw it, maybe it's a little bit of low key karma for her, that seeing it didn't bother me. 

I have therapy in two days. 

I've also been really trying to push myself to revise these last four chapters.  There are a lot of loose ends I'm tying up.  There also have been a few things I've added to the ending, which mean I have to go back to parts in the middle and rewrite them.  I made kind of a big decision involving one of the three main characters.  It might be risky to change something like this so close to the end.  But I think it makes more sense this way. 

It might not be the healthiest way of thinking, but I've also considered this as an example of living well being the best revenge.  When we were together she told me more than once that she wishes she would have actually did something with her life, and it was really obvious she had a lot of resentment for me because I am actually doing something with my life.  If she ever finds out about this book, it will just drive that nail in a little harder.  There will be one most instance of me getting off my ass and actually doing something while she continues to be a miserable drunk who goes from job to job and partner to partner because stability is impossible for her. 

I wonder if she watched the eclipse yesterday.  If she did she was probably drinking and barely paying attention.  She probably had her phone out taking selfies, she was probably all over social media talking about how awesome it is, etc, while barely taking the time to be still and focus on the awesomeness.