My ex and my novel...

[Cynder]

Wow...  I just went downstairs to shower and pack tomorrow's lunch before I got to bed.  And I saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge.  He will only drink filtered water and sometimes he goes and fills up jugs at the reverse osmosis machines all around town. 

I forgot all about this until now.  But seeing his water filter made me remember the time Z and I were sitting outside and I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about the water coolers at work.  She said she would never trust drinking from a water cooler at work because who knows who's spitting in it, etc.  I told her these are reverse osmosis cools, you can't get into them without a key and people come from the water company to change them when they are out. 

She immediately went off on this whole tangent about hos disgusting that is and how disgusting I am for drinking that water because according to her reverse osmosis is sewage that has been purified.  I told her I've never heard that.  SO I looked it up on my phone right in front of her.  It's not sewage that's filtered.  It's just a different filtering process for filtering regular water.  I showed her a video on it that was about two minutes long.  But she still kept insisting I'm drinking sewage all day at work.  I told her if you want to get technical all water was probably sewage at some point, because of the way water goes through the water cycle and evaporates and stuff.  She was like, "You're not helping your case here!" 

She started talking about how from now on she's not going to kiss me until after I brush my teeth when I get home from work, etc.  And then our neighbor came over and was talking to us for a little bit and I said something to him (not about the water, about whatever we were talking about and Z was like, "Shut up sh*tmouth." 

I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking."  And for the rest of the conversation she's telling me things like "Go drink some water out of the toilet like you do at work." 

I forgot about this until now.  She wasn't just joking around either.  This wasn't just sarcasm, etc.  She was legit being mean. 

She seemed so stuck on all these ideas about me being this disgusting person.  I don't bathe enough.  I stink.  I knowingly drink sewage, etc.  None of that is true.  It was like believing that I"m a physically gross person made her feel better about herself.  She was so insecure about how she looks, etc.  And she took several showers a day.  She was obsessive about her hygiene, etc. 

She didn't have OCD.  SOoe people can be really obsessive about certain things and not have OCD.  SO I won't sit here and say I think she had OCD or not, but she had some really obsessive tenancies. 

I told her once that while I have no clue what she's going through as far as gender dysphoria is concerned, I do know what it's like to obsess about things, and I also know what it's like to hate your body.  So, from experiencing those things, I can at least make an educated guess about how she feels on a daily basis.  I am not in her shoes.  But I was attempting to show empathy the best way I could.  That was a huge mistake because it became, "How dare you compare your problems to mine?!"  I wasn't comparing.  I was just trying to see things from her perspective.  But I was told gender dysphoria is way worse than OCD.  I don't think of anyone mental struggle as a competition.  All disorders are on a spectrum.  There are people with OCD who can barely leave their houses because their symptoms are so bad.  Then there are people like me who have a lot of obsessions and who ritualized a lot of things, but who also have it under control to the point where it doesn't disrupt their lives, at least not often.  To her though, everything was transaction and everything was a competition. 

I feel so sad for her current partner who is mentally disabled.  I'm not saying mentally disabled people are defective and that they don't deserve to date, fall in love, etc.  But I a good friend of mine knows this person.  They are severely mentally disabled.  They can't work, etc.  They function on the mental level of a 12-14 year old.  So, someone like that is probably very trusting and very easy to take advantage of.  Z has the perfect partner for herself.  This person will probably never question her.  They are probably handing over all their money to her.  And from what I heard Z is still a raging alcoholic, and I know what a mean drunk she is.  I bet she's really nasty to her current SO when she's drinking and her current SO is probably being gaslit into thinking it's not really happening or that Z is only that way because she loves them, etc.  I hope they get out of that relationship before too much damage is done.  It's really sad.  

[Batya33]

Do you keep paper near you/with you so you can write down ideas/thoughts whatever if you're not near your computer? I do for my job and other reasons - also it's kind of neat sometimes to jot down a weird dream (haven't done that in ages though). You mentioned you think of writing about your ex when you're not near your computer.

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you keep paper near you/with you so you can write down ideas/thoughts whatever if you're not near your computer? I do for my job and other reasons - also it's kind of neat sometimes to jot down a weird dream (haven't done that in ages though). You mentioned you think of writing about your ex when you're not near your computer.

Not paper, but I have a file on my phone that is full of notes and ideas.  I actually wrote some stuff in it that I wanted to write about in this thread and last night was the first chance I had to do it.  (Except the water filter, that was just something I thought about when I went downstairs early this morning and saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. 

I have two tenants currently, and the guy who is living in my basement (the one with the water filter) is a chef.  That alone has brought back a few memories because so was she.  But she rarely cooked anything (which is fine, I never expected her to cook just because she did it professionally.) But he cooks all the time.  I mean, there is so much food a lot of it goes to waste.  Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made.  He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc.  And then last night he went and picked up a friend who works at Bob Evans after she closed the restaurant.  And she gave him a big box of left over biscuits.  So today he made this big batch of sausage gravy. 

He made some really good pasta from scratch last week.  I took that to work with me a couple nights last week. 

I'm not complaining.  That's what he likes to do, so hey, cook away.  He was asking me yesterday why I don't eat more.  And his cooking is awesome, but it's not exactly healthy.  I'm a healthy eater and I don't sit down to big meals.  I eat small amounts here and there throughout the day.  I just hope his feelings aren't hurt that I'm not always stuffing my face, lol. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't worry -simply tell him thank you and you will partake of course and maybe make some offhand comment like -you know - small appetite.

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't worry -simply tell him thank you and you will partake of course and maybe make some offhand comment like -you know - small appetite.

Yea, he's not upset or anything.  I just hope he understands.  He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. 

I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc.  She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff.  And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town.  Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yea, he's not upset or anything.  I just hope he understands.  He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. 

I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc.  She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff.  And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town.  Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence. 

 

Obviously that's disgusting. Karma! I can't be bothered by people who make assumptions about what I eat or don't eat.  Having been the target of unwelcome comments I never comment on what others choose to eat or not - just not kind and often intrusive.  With the exception of my son - but even then I'm extremely selective about what I say and quite often he initiates conversations about healthful eating/making heallthful choices.  He does reasonably well and I'd rather he eat some questionable things than have me hover.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Obviously that's disgusting. Karma! I can't be bothered by people who make assumptions about what I eat or don't eat.  Having been the target of unwelcome comments I never comment on what others choose to eat or not - just not kind and often intrusive.  With the exception of my son - but even then I'm extremely selective about what I say and quite often he initiates conversations about healthful eating/making heallthful choices.  He does reasonably well and I'd rather he eat some questionable things than have me hover.

I wish my parents would have fed me better as a kid.  It's not like we starved.  There was always plenty of food.  But my Mom cooked junk a lot.  Hot pockets, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, etc.  We ate a lot of highly processed crap.  And my parents were really big on "clean your plate!"  And also, it didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food.  You ate what was put in front of you, no exceptions. 

As soon as I got out of the house I changed the way I eat.  I was a vegetarian for a while when I was younger.  Not out of principle or anything, I'm just not big on meat, not even now.  I eat mostly fish when I do decide to eat meat. 

I'm really surprised I have all my teeth, too.  Because not only were we fed crap but we never went to the dentist as kids.  But I'm also kind of obsessive about taking care of my teeth. 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking."

I don't even know her and I think I like her better when she's not talking. 

She sounds like the kind of person who always has to have an opinion on everything, and that opinion is always right. Wait, you have facts that disprove her? Well the facts are wrong because she is always right. And how dare you question her. Those are really annoying and sad people. Be glad you don't have to put up with her any more. Though she does sound like a fountain of ideas for you to create stories from. Can't wait to read about a reverse osmosis water filtering conspiracy. 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff

It's interesting how much people like her project things onto others. She would do something so disgusting, so in her mind everyone does it and thus she can't trust others handling her food. Yet they never stop to think about their own actions.  

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made.  He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc. 

If you can't eat it all, I'd be happy to take some. Think I got hungry just reading about it. 😉

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't even know her and I think I like her better when she's not talking. 

She sounds like the kind of person who always has to have an opinion on everything, and that opinion is always right. Wait, you have facts that disprove her? Well the facts are wrong because she is always right. And how dare you question her. Those are really annoying and sad people. Be glad you don't have to put up with her any more. Though she does sound like a fountain of ideas for you to create stories from. Can't wait to read about a reverse osmosis water filtering conspiracy. 

It's interesting how much people like her project things onto others. She would do something so disgusting, so in her mind everyone does it and thus she can't trust others handling her food. Yet they never stop to think about their own actions.  

If you can't eat it all, I'd be happy to take some. Think I got hungry just reading about it. 😉

Her saying she liked me better when I didn't talk was a regular thing when she was drinking a lot. 

I wish I could say a lot of people probably like her better when she isn't talking.  But it seems like everyone just loves her.  Our neighbor was standing there talking to us during this exchange and he didn't seem bothered at all by the way she was treating me.  The whole time we were together, she didn't have friends over to the house.  But there were plenty of times where my friend came over.  And she treated me this way in front of people I knew, and no one ever said a thing.  It was stuff like that that made me think maybe I am the problem here.  But, now none of those people are my friends anymore.  They all sided with her and I cut them all out of my life.  They've all reached out and apologized and tried to be friends with me again.  And I've told them all basically, "Apology accepted, access denied."  Most of them asked why, and I said, "You made your choice.  You chose her.  Now deal with that." 

She quits jobs like it's nothing and always just walks in somewhere and walks out with a job.  She screws roommates out of rent, etc, and gets kicked out of places, but always finds somewhere else to live, usually within a day.  She treats people like crap, and there's never been any consequences.  But she's also really hot.  So she can basically do whatever she wants in our society. 

I heard multiple people say she's so fun when she's drunk.  I legit wondered if I was crazy because she was such a mean drunk.  And she was also a really sloppy drunk.  I cleaned up her puke multiple times, I made sure she was asleep on her side with a bunch of pillows piled up so she couldn't roll over and choke, etc.  No one seemed to recognize any of that. 

Even our roommate, all she ever had to say was, "It's just so funny!!!" 

And now I keep looking back and feeling so angry at the way I was treated but also angry that this was my life for a while.  And you're right, to her, facts were worthless.  It doesn't matter how reverse osmosis water is actually filtered.  All that matters is what she thinks.  And since I drink it at work, well I'm sh*tmouth, and I need to shut up and go drink from the toilet, etc.  When she first moved in here we used to sit out on my porch and talk all night, literally.  And we would have these serious conversations about stuff like religion, and the meaning of life, etc.  But she was sober for most of those conversations, too. 

And yea, she is a fountain of ideas alright.  I have two characters based on her.  A character in another novel I'm working on is a raging alcoholic who she inspired. 

Yep, she is the queen of projection too.  Like, who would really spit in a water cooler?  Well, she would.  She used to also give me a lot of crap when I worked out at Planet Fitness and would use the Hydro Massage beds.  It's like laying on a waterbed with jets underneath that massage you.  You're not in water.  Despite explaining this to her multiple times, and even taking a picture of the bed to show her, she would always tell me how gross that is because who knows who has been in that water and what kind of bodily fluids are in there.  No one is "in the water." but that didn't matter to her because who cares about facts?

History is being made today.  This is the only time in my life I will ever see a total Solar Eclipse.  An Eclipse is a good time to let go of things.  It's a reminder of how small we are in the Universe.  I'm going to bed for a few hours and then waking up to go out to my Mom's house in the middle of nowhere to have the best view.  I'm sure it will inspire me in so many ways.  And hopefully I can let go of a lot of crap I don't need to carry anymore.  I designed a tattoo for someone who is working with the University in my city just to commemorate this occasion for the,.  So, this is something that I will only see once, and someone has my artwork representing it on their body for life.  Those are the things I need to be thinking about today.  While the Eclipse is happening my ex will probably be sitting in front of her PS4 drinking and playing Red Dead Redemption.  She complains so much about not living a better life, yet she won't get off her ass and live a better life.  So, even though it's not a matter of winning or losing, in the end, who is really living a better life? 

Hey, if you lived in my area I'd totally have you over for dinner.  My roommate can cook, too.  I mean, he went to culinary school and worked in some high end restaurants.  It's something he's really passionate about.  My upstairs tenant and I will never go hungry with him here.  I feel like I should give him a discount on rent for how much he feeds me, lol.  Him and I and his ex (who he's now best friends with) are taking a road trip next weekend, too.  So I have that to look forward to. 

Thanks for replying.  I always like reading your posts, old timer. 

[Cynder]

There is a pretty scathing post about one of the restaurants she worked at in out town on Facebook right now.  It's in our town's public Facebook group.  Someone who used to work there posted a bunch of pics of how nasty the kitchen is and how some of the employees there do really nasty things to the food.  Seeing this actually didn't bother me.  It's not a place I go, haven't been there in years.  And it also made me wonder if she was one of the employees this person is talking about.  If so, I hope she saw that post, too.  I wonder how she feels being called out like that, even if it's anonymous. 

I know this is not a good situation.  It's not a good thing that this place is open and serving food when it's that dirty, etc.  I know all the people who do eat there probably saw that post and were really disgusted.  I don't mean to come off completely self centered.  I know it's not a good thing.  I'm just saying since I don't go there personally, and because she probably saw it, maybe it's a little bit of low key karma for her, that seeing it didn't bother me. 

I have therapy in two days. 

I've also been really trying to push myself to revise these last four chapters.  There are a lot of loose ends I'm tying up.  There also have been a few things I've added to the ending, which mean I have to go back to parts in the middle and rewrite them.  I made kind of a big decision involving one of the three main characters.  It might be risky to change something like this so close to the end.  But I think it makes more sense this way. 

It might not be the healthiest way of thinking, but I've also considered this as an example of living well being the best revenge.  When we were together she told me more than once that she wishes she would have actually did something with her life, and it was really obvious she had a lot of resentment for me because I am actually doing something with my life.  If she ever finds out about this book, it will just drive that nail in a little harder.  There will be one most instance of me getting off my ass and actually doing something while she continues to be a miserable drunk who goes from job to job and partner to partner because stability is impossible for her. 

I wonder if she watched the eclipse yesterday.  If she did she was probably drinking and barely paying attention.  She probably had her phone out taking selfies, she was probably all over social media talking about how awesome it is, etc, while barely taking the time to be still and focus on the awesomeness.

[Cynder]

I know this is an old thread now, and I really thought I got over a lot of those resurfacing feelings.  But it's definitely not helping that multiple friends I lost over this situation have been contacting me over the last month or so.  I know it's just a coincidence.  Most of these people don't even know I was writing a novel.  So they don't know I'm about to finish. 

The one friend I lost who does know...  oddly enough I named a character after him.  That was before we stopped talking though.  Him and I stayed friends for a few months after she left, and then he turned on me.  I named a character after him because I couldn't come up with a name for the guy and him and I were texting, and he jokingly said, "Name him after me." So I did, with his permission, of course.  Same first name.  Different last name. 

As much as people want closure, closure rarely closes anything.  Multiple people told me to go kill myself when all this was happening.  And now those people want to come around and tell me how sorry they are, they shouldn't have listened to her, they feel like idiots, they don't talk to her anymore because they realized she's nothing but trouble.  Ok...  you would think that would make me feel better on some level.  But oddly enough it just hurts even more.  I can't even explain why.  I guess it's like, Ok, but why couldn't you have just listened in the first place?  Three of these people have told me I was their best friend.  One of them sent me the most heartfelt apology ever, saying I was the only person he could talk to about anything and I never judged him.  Ok...  then why side with her?  I asked him that and his response was, "Because I was an idiot." 

Lately I've been obsessing over what it is that makes me so easy to toss aside.  I've had a lot of people in my life tell me why I'm not a likeable person.  It's not like I'm not open to criticism.  But it's been hard to change the qualities that make me not a likeable person because to me they don't make sense and there's nothing wrong with them. 

My Mom used to say to me all the time when I was a teenager, "And you wonder why nobody wants you around! ...  And you wonder why people don't like you!"  But she would always say this stuff about things like the music I listen to.  She said it about how I dressed and about the fact that I read a lot, too.  Like, I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan.  And I started listening to them when I was a sophomore in high school.  And they were way before my time.  I mean, Dark Side of the Moon came out when my Mom wasn't even in high school yet.  And I remember her telling me "Kids your age don't listen to bands like that.  And you wonder why people don't like you!"  To me, liking a band isn't a reason to not like someone.  Like, I hate Van Halen.  But if someone told me they like Van Halen I wouldn't dislike them because of it.  I also read a lot of Stephen King in high school and that was another one, "You read those stupid horror books, and then you wonder why people don't like you!" 

My ex husband told me once that a lot of people don;t like me because of my eyes, because I always look stoned.  I am legally blind in both eyes, and my eyes are a rare color, too.  So, I have these intense eyes that never look like they are focusing on anything.  And I told him that's a stupid reason to not like someone.  And he said, "Well would you like someone if they always looked like they were on drugs?"  I remember exactly what I said back to him.  I said, "If they weren't a jerk I would."  To me, that's no different than not liking someone because they're left handed, etc.  It's something bodily that I have no control over. 

My parents were always talking about my "bad attitude," when I was a preteen.  I asked my dad once what I do that's so bad.  And he told me I always have to share my opinion about things and I always want to tell my parents about stupid stuff that happens at school and stuff.  Ok... so sharing my opinions and talking about stuff that happened at school means I have a bad attitude? 

I used to be friends with this guy online.  We talked a lot over a period of about a year.  He lived in my state, but we never met.  There was never talk of meeting either.  He just was someone I used to talk to on Facebook a lot.  And he started thinking he was a shrink over time and wanting to fix me.  He would tell me all the things wrong with me.  One was that I've slept with two of my friends and don't see that as an issue.  It's not like I led anyone on or used anyone for sex.  I have a friend who was my off and on FWB for years.  Basically whenever we were both single, we banged.  It never hurt our friendship.  We are still friends now and haven't slept together since 2011.  And I have another friend (female) who I hooked up with a few times.  She's still my friend too.  But this guy thought that was the most dysfunctional thing ever.  He also said the fact that I go to the movies by myself, go out to dinner by myself, and even go on vacations by myself is another really messed up thing about me.  Once again... these are things that, in my eyes at least, don't make a person unlikable.) 

So, liking music that kids my age didn't like and dressing Goth, and reading a lot of books are the things wrong with me according to my Mom.  And sharing my opinions and talking about school was the problem according to my dad.  And having sex with my friends and being confident enough to go places alone were my issues according to my now former friend.  And according to my ex husband it's because my eyes are all messed up and I look high all the time. 

It probably seems like I'm rambling in this post.  But this is something that's really been bothering me lately.  I also struggle with feeling invisible all the time.  And so I start wondering what it is about me that made so many people side with her.  These people only knew her through me.  I'd been friends with someone of them for 20 years. 

I just can't imagine turning my back on a 20 year friendship because their ex who I barely know told me some bad things about them.  And I can't imagine strongly disliking someone based on any of the things I listed above.  When I dislike someone it's because they're a jerk. 

I've never been diagnosed, but I do seriously wonder if I'm on the Autism spectrum.  I fit the profile to the letter, especially as a id.  I know I don't view the world the same as a lot of people.  And then add to that the fact that I've had a NDE, which changes a person.  I can't relate to most people and it's really hard to connect with most people. 

And talking about how all my former friends are so sorry and people say I was their best friend, etc.  Well, Z, has told me multiple times that I treated her better than anyone has ever treated her.  The last time we talked she told me she is still in love with me and she thinks she probably always will be.  (I'm fully aware this is likely not true.  I'm sure it was a game she was playing.)  But ok... assuming there was any truth to that, if I was so great why would she just ghost me and then turn several of my friends against me?  I asked her that question and she told me she didn't know, because I didn't deserve it, etc.  And she made some statement like, "I have real problems.  I'm so sorry it was you I did that to because you deserved it the least."  She's made it sound like it was something random and out of her control.  Well, no it wasn't.  She could have not done it. 

Knowing how bad everyone feels is making it worse for me, and I can't really put why into words.  And not knowing how people really feel and if I can trust anything anyone says is another thing that is really hard. 

And one other thing...  being this close to finishing is scary.  Because what happens when I finish?  This novel literally kept me alive for a time.  It is my way of turning the most miserable experience of my life into something amazing.  Ok... so I finish it... and then?  The experience doesn't just go away because I wrote a book.  

Well, soon it will be done, so I guess I'll find out what happens next. 

Any thoughts on this are welcome, even though this thread is old news now. 

 

[Batya33]

I would look at finishing a novel as the beginning of new adventures new perspectives and new mindsets. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated about the past. My sister is 62 and we both loved Pink Floyd her especially ! Also she loved old genesis and king crimson. My sense is you tend to get intense about comments made by individuals including people you’ve never met etc. I’d work on avoiding that habitual path because it’s just not healthful to live - especially as a creative person - this focused on what others say. 

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would look at finishing a novel as the beginning of new adventures new perspectives and new mindsets. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated about the past. My sister is 62 and we both loved Pink Floyd her especially ! Also she loved old genesis and king crimson. My sense is you tend to get intense about comments made by individuals including people you’ve never met etc. I’d work on avoiding that habitual path because it’s just not healthful to live - especially as a creative person - this focused on what others say. 

I know a lot of the things people say are actually statements about themselves rather than others.  Like my Mom's comments about music and books being why people don't like me...  Ok, those are reasons she would dislike someone.  My ex husband was really shallow.  He doesn't like people based on looks, etc. 

But like my online friend (former friend now) I've wondered a lot what drove his behavior.  Like, if I'm talking to someone, I'm not filing away all the things they do that are wrong in my eyes.  Especially if those things don't directly affect me.  If I was talking to someone and they tell me they went on vacation by themself, ok, so?  I'm not sitting here thinking, "Wow, that's so messed up!"  That would be like someone saying they really like matcha tea and me thinking, "Wow, you have issues!" because I don't like matcha tea. 

But these friends who were in my life for a long time, siding with her...  I also know that's about them more than it is about me.  But I still get stuck on figuring out why, especially if to some of them I was their "best friend." 

I've questioned if it's the right decision to not let any of them back into my life.  But the way I see it, they chose her.  That was their choice and they don't deserve a do-over.  People rarely change. 

I also try to remind myself that she is a miserable person.  So it's not like she's living some amazing life.  She is currently working somewhere that is notorious for being an evil company who treats their employees like crap.  And she has already pissed off a lot of the other people who work there by starting drama at work.  (It's weird how I know this, too.  There are two ladies who come into the gym at night who also work there.  And they always talk to me for a little bit before they go work out.  And they were telling me about how their coworker knows me, etc. I guess she comes to work drunk on the regular and starts crap at work all the time.  So, all she has is drinking and starting drama for fun.  Eventually she's going to back herself into a corner and piss off the wrong people. 

[ShySoul]

Every day I think more and more that what marks the kind of person we are is the degree to which we put the focus on ourselves or on others. I find for most people they make judgements on others based off of their personal opinions and biases. Your mother has her set notion of what kids should be listening to, so she assumes you'll listen to that and can't see why you would like something else. Your ex had this idea of how eyes should look and what message it portrayed. The friend had his own bias on being FWB's. None of it was about you, it was them projecting what they thought things should be like onto you. 

I don't understand it either. For me none of those types of things would matter. Sure, I might have a preference for certain things or have my own beliefs that differ from others. But that doesn't mean I dislike anyone because of them. I try to like people for who they are. If anything those differences make things better. It takes all kinds of kinds. The world would be a lousy place if everyone was the same. What really counts is, to quote Martin Luther King, "the content of their character."

Funny, I was just watching videos on figuring out if your undiagnosed Autistic. I don't think I am, though I relate to not viewing things the same as others and having a hard time connecting with people.

Yeah, people apologizing later makes me shake my head as well. Why couldn't you have just thought a little more in the first place and not be an idiot? I try to not let it annoy me too much though. Holding onto those thoughts will just mess me up further. I figure if I'm lucky enough to get a sincere apology at all, it's better then a lot of people would do so I should just leave it in the past.

As for your book, I'm sure it is scary. But it's also an accomplishment. Feel good at what you created. Then turn yourself to a new project. You're a creative person. I'm sure some inspiration will strike you.

[catfeeder]

On 5/13/2024 at 8:11 AM, Cynder said:

Multiple people told me to go kill myself when all this was happening.  And now...

Cynder, I realize you've grown up with these people and their provinciality isn't objectively apparent to you, but all of these people sound like a bunch of 6th grade mean girls who've been stuck in time and have never grown the f up. 

On 5/13/2024 at 8:11 AM, Cynder said:

And so I start wondering what it is about me that made so many people side with her.  These people only knew her through me.  I'd been friends with someone of them for 20 years. 

It wasn't about you. It was about fan-girling the new kid to win her approval and be seen as 'cool'.

How 6th grade is that?

These people deserve to lose you. It so happens, they've done you the favor. You've since cleared your slate of toxic people, right down to your horrible roommate, who incidentally, fan-girled your ex to your detriment as well.

Of course they all enjoyed egging on the mess that was Z. Sixth graders don't grasp consequences. And I wouldn't trust for a minute that they've learned anything worthwhile since then beyond how to scam like the bullies they are. They're like the kids in those horror movies who pretend to be someone's friend so they can lure them to the party and abuse them.

You're too good for this, Cynder, and you don't need any of them.

I get that this book has had you revisit these painful memories, and I'd consider these people popping up again to be a test of your ability to keep walking forward. I can also appreciate the bitter-sweet end of your work on this book, and I hope you will embrace the new ideas you've written. Doesn't one of those projects include these characters?

Sending you good vibes...

[itsallgrand]

Catfeeder said what I wanted to say but more eloquently. 

Exactly - people who go around saying things like "go kill yourself" to people don't have the capacity to make good choices on the regular. They are stuck at the level of a lot of children. Even a teen is expected to have grown past that level of emotional flailing for the most part.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Also to  add to the pronvinciality comment -as a person who took the long way around in certain ways -marriage/family and even switching careers at 25 (yes, young but not that young to those who believe college is a given then you graduate at 22 and work in your chosen field or get more educated - people who are narrow minded/provincial will get judgy even if  the situation is perfectly typical albeit not lockstep. 

So - I wouldn't assume if I were  you that it's because your lifestyle and choices are often very far from mainstream -even if they were only a little itty bitty apart from mainstream (what? you live in an apartment where your son doesn't have sleepovers?? what you only had one child? What? you don't care if your roots are gray and you're not into day spas for "self care?" why do you read instead of binge watch a show at night?) there are those -often who've chosen to stay in non-diverse non-descript suburbs past college and go into The City only for A Show where they park, eat at a touristy spot, see The Show then skedaddle back to the insular existence ("oh we live soooo close to The City -we can go in whenever we like! No sorry I don't want to go in for a walk in the park and to see this random art festival") - who will be willfully blind to anyone with a different choice. And possibly even a bit threatened or jealous.

[Cynder]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Every day I think more and more that what marks the kind of person we are is the degree to which we put the focus on ourselves or on others. I find for most people they make judgements on others based off of their personal opinions and biases. Your mother has her set notion of what kids should be listening to, so she assumes you'll listen to that and can't see why you would like something else. Your ex had this idea of how eyes should look and what message it portrayed. The friend had his own bias on being FWB's. None of it was about you, it was them projecting what they thought things should be like onto you. 

I don't understand it either. For me none of those types of things would matter. Sure, I might have a preference for certain things or have my own beliefs that differ from others. But that doesn't mean I dislike anyone because of them. I try to like people for who they are. If anything those differences make things better. It takes all kinds of kinds. The world would be a lousy place if everyone was the same. What really counts is, to quote Martin Luther King, "the content of their character."

Funny, I was just watching videos on figuring out if your undiagnosed Autistic. I don't think I am, though I relate to not viewing things the same as others and having a hard time connecting with people.

Yeah, people apologizing later makes me shake my head as well. Why couldn't you have just thought a little more in the first place and not be an idiot? I try to not let it annoy me too much though. Holding onto those thoughts will just mess me up further. I figure if I'm lucky enough to get a sincere apology at all, it's better then a lot of people would do so I should just leave it in the past.

As for your book, I'm sure it is scary. But it's also an accomplishment. Feel good at what you created. Then turn yourself to a new project. You're a creative person. I'm sure some inspiration will strike you.

Yep, I try so hard to remember that a lot of this is about them and not about me.  My Mom has a set idea of what teenagers should listen to when I was a teenager, and I deviated from that so I'm bad.  But also, my Mom is (or at least was at that time) the kind of person who would dislike someone based on their taste in music.)  My parents disliked a lot of people.  Basically anyone who didn't act like them was a POS.  And since they were alcoholics they hung out with other alcoholics, so no one ever called them out or challenged them on their choice of friends, etc.

It takes all kinds of kinds, I like that. 

I've said before that when I started working at festivals I felt like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video when she finally found all the other Bee people.  The scene is full of eccentric creative people and everyone accepts people for who they are.  And there's also a lot of Autistic people in the scene.  When I was younger I was so socially awkward.  Social cues were like a foreign language to me.  I didn't pick up on the nuances of a lot of things.  I didn't understand what was appropriate to talk about and when, etc.  And then it didn't help that at home I got in trouble practically every time I opened my mouth.  As an adult I've gotten a lot better, but there are still things I don't understand at all.  Even when I write, I have a hard time writing emotions because there are some emotions I just don't experience like other people do.  And I'm a really literal thinker, too, which seems to get me in trouble a lot. 

I think in the case of people who apologize after the fact, that's more for them than it is for the person they hurt.  I mean yea, there are times when something really wasn't intended and then you apologize after.  Like, I stepped on my cat's tail the other day and I probably told him I was sorry 5 times after, because I genuinely didn't mean to hurt him.  But if I stepped on his tail on purpose just to be a jerk, saying sorry afterwords is pointless.  Because if I really felt bad about hurting him, I wouldn't have hurt him.  Like in the case of my former friends, I think it's just an effort to clear their conscience. 

Thank you for replying.  You always bring such good insight to the table.  I really appreciate your kind words, old timer.  🙂

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Cynder, I realize you've grown up with these people and their provinciality isn't objectively apparent to you, but all of these people sound like a bunch of 6th grade mean girls who've been stuck in time and have never grown the f up. 

It wasn't about you. It was about fan-girling the new kid to win her approval and be seen as 'cool'.

How 6th grade is that?

These people deserve to lose you. It so happens, they've done you the favor. You've since cleared your slate of toxic people, right down to your horrible roommate, who incidentally, fan-girled your ex to your detriment as well.

Of course they all enjoyed egging on the mess that was Z. Sixth graders don't grasp consequences. And I wouldn't trust for a minute that they've learned anything worthwhile since then beyond how to scam like the bullies they are. They're like the kids in those horror movies who pretend to be someone's friend so they can lure them to the party and abuse them.

You're too good for this, Cynder, and you don't need any of them.

I get that this book has had you revisit these painful memories, and I'd consider these people popping up again to be a test of your ability to keep walking forward. I can also appreciate the bitter-sweet end of your work on this book, and I hope you will embrace the new ideas you've written. Doesn't one of those projects include these characters?

Sending you good vibes...

Yep, mean girls.  And Z is Regina George. 

I'm so determined to write a novel one day with a Machiavellian lead character.  And the more research I do on the Machiavellian personality type, the more it sounds like her.  I'm not diagnosing anyone.  I'm not qualified for that.  A Machiavellian will just go ham and destroy someone's life for fun, just because they can.  And she didn't destroy my life.  But I think if given the right tools and under the right circumstances she definitely could destroy someone's life.  And I've thought a lot about this from that lens. People are toys to her.  And my former friends were toys, also.  She never had any real interest in being friends with any of them.   It was all about hurting me.  And also, if she really is Machiavellian (which she might be, but also might not be, I don't know.)  She probably just decided that it was some huge injustice that I have things she wants but doesn't have.  So, instead of working to get those things for herself, she decided to just take me down a few pegs.

And I can see how these former friends of mine were reeled in by her.  She is incredibly charismatic.  I mean, she reeled me in, too.  She knows exactly what to say and when to say it, and she's really hot.  She wins people over with flattery and ass kissing, but also has a way of relating to people no matter what they say. 

And you're right, they egged it on.  I had people screenshotting her posts on FB about me and sending them to me even after I said I don't want to see that.  And L went from being ride or die and calling me her sister, to being 100% on Z's side in all of this. It's crazy though... L also went around telling everyone that I allowed a pedophile to be around her son...  well the pedo she was referring to is Z, who is not a pedophile.  That one still stumps me.  Her and Z are suddenly besties after we break up and she's going around saying that in an effort to make me look bad... but she's also making Z look really bad, too.  And no one seemed to catch on to that for some reason.  Idk man...  if I was somewhere on the periphery of all of this and someone was telling me "She knowingly let this person who's a pedo around my kid!"  My first question would he, "Well, why are you still hanging out with the pedo then?"  Z is many things, but she's not a pedophile.  Wonder what would have happened if she found out that her new bestie was saying about her?  (And yes, it's all very 6th grade.  I feel like a 6th grader just typing this paragraph, lol.)  And on a random sidenote, L lost custody of my nephew.  I don't know all the details, but her Mom messages me sometimes on Facebook and she's the one that told me.  So she' not the mother of the year anyway. I love K to death and I miss him every day.)

I do give myself credit for not letting any of them back in my life.  Apology accepted, access denied.  And they all say they miss my art.  Like... ok?  You don't miss me.  You just miss seeing my paintings, which you can still look at online without interacting with me.  Anyone who googles my name will find all kinds of images of my paintings. 

Oh yea, one of my ideas does take place in the same universe with the same cast of characters.  I love this world I created.  And I have two other novels drafted that I need to revise, and I have another one in the works currently.  And I have been starting to get the urge to paint again. 

Good vibes back.  Thank you.  I appreciate the vibes and I appreciate your reply. 

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Catfeeder said what I wanted to say but more eloquently. 

Exactly - people who go around saying things like "go kill yourself" to people don't have the capacity to make good choices on the regular. They are stuck at the level of a lot of children. Even a teen is expected to have grown past that level of emotional flailing for the most part.

 

 

 

 

Yes. 

I will admit I've said some mean things out of angel.  I'm not proud of myself.  But I've never told anyone to go kill themself.  And I've been told that a lot.  D's sister even texted me that the night D and I broke up. 

Probably the most angry I've ever been in my life at someone was when I found out my ex husband was cheating on me with one of my friends.  I called him every name in the book and told him I hated him.  And then I texted pretty much the same thing to her.  But even then I didn't say, "Go kill yourself." 

I was actually suicidal when all this was going on and I have wondered how any of the people who said that to me would have felt if I did it.  I know it doesn't matter.  But the part of me that thinks about everything has wondered. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also to  add to the pronvinciality comment -as a person who took the long way around in certain ways -marriage/family and even switching careers at 25 (yes, young but not that young to those who believe college is a given then you graduate at 22 and work in your chosen field or get more educated - people who are narrow minded/provincial will get judgy even if  the situation is perfectly typical albeit not lockstep. 

So - I wouldn't assume if I were  you that it's because your lifestyle and choices are often very far from mainstream -even if they were only a little itty bitty apart from mainstream (what? you live in an apartment where your son doesn't have sleepovers?? what you only had one child? What? you don't care if your roots are gray and you're not into day spas for "self care?" why do you read instead of binge watch a show at night?) there are those -often who've chosen to stay in non-diverse non-descript suburbs past college and go into The City only for A Show where they park, eat at a touristy spot, see The Show then skedaddle back to the insular existence ("oh we live soooo close to The City -we can go in whenever we like! No sorry I don't want to go in for a walk in the park and to see this random art festival") - who will be willfully blind to anyone with a different choice. And possibly even a bit threatened or jealous.

I have things I want to say in response to this, but I'm fading fast.  I need to go to sleep.  But later.