rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 1 hour ago, AGrPerson said: Well, it's not about what we are talking about, but the difficulty to discuss something. I mean after every date it seems harder and harder to find topics to discuss. Well at least now you're taking some ownership of your role in not finding "interesting" topics to discuss, as it takes two people to have any type of conversation, interesting or otherwise. Not just one 'entertaining' the other, which at first it sounded like you expected him to do. Still waiting for you to answer this question: 3 hours ago, MissCanuck said: What makes a conversation "interesting" for you? You keep telling us your conversations aren't interesting and that the communication is lacking but fail to communicate to us what "interesting" means to you and what you actually need as far as communicating with this man? I find that a bit ironic, but moving on.... What's your background? Science? Philosophy? Have you always required high mental stimulation in your personal interactions with people? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 I think after 5 dates there is no point trying to force a connection if she's bored and can't find topics to discuss. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 25 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I think after 5 dates there is no point trying to force a connection if she's bored and can't find topics to discuss. Clearly. My questions are for her moving forward, and for her to be clear with herself about what she actually needs as far as "interesting" goes. And to own her role and participation in making conversations interesting and stimulating assuming that's what she needs. Which we don't even know since she has not communicated that with us. When someone is bored, look in the mirror. Boring people attract boring people. JMO. 1 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Clearly. My questions are for her moving forward, and for her to be clear with herself about what she actually needs as far as "interesting" goes. And to own her role and participation in making conversations interesting and stimulating assuming that's what she needs. Which we don't even know since she has not communicated that with us. When someone is bored, look in the mirror. Boring people attract boring people. JMO. Yes I agree to an extent. If it's only 5 dates I'd assume it's not a match and stop the dressing it up as some sort of couples communication issue. They are two people who had sex and 5 dates in less than 2 weeks. Separately she can question if she's keeping up her 50% of the conversation in general and whether she is an interesting person -whether she asks good follow up questions and whether -she is interested in learning about other people, learning about new stuff - whether it's sports related or culture or art. 2 Link to comment
Popular Post Wiseman2 Posted March 3 Popular Post Share Posted March 3 3 hours ago, AGrPerson said: Well, isn't 5 dates too soon to get into a relationship? It doesn't matter. 5 dates is fine for sex, or exclusive dating or whatever you two want. You're both adults. You seem to follow a lot of myths and rules. Sadly the issue is you claim you're introverted, shy and have trouble expressing yourself' clearly and effectively. Especially for some reason you seem to believe interrogation, putting him under a microscope and awkward questions like "are you ok?", "what are you thinking?", "what's wrong?". and so on is "conversation " . It's not. It's nerve-wracking. Please enjoy some together time without nervous chatter and relax. 5 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It doesn't matter. 5 dates is fine for sex, or exclusive dating or whatever you two want. You're both adults. You seem to follow a lot of myths and rules. Sadly the issue is you claim you're introverted, shy and have trouble expressing yourself' clearly and effectively. Especially for some reason you seem to believe interrogation, putting him under a microscope and awkward questions like "are you ok?", "what are you thinking?", "what's wrong?". and so on is "conversation " . It's not. It's nerve-wracking. Please enjoy some together time without nervous chatter and relax. This is a good point -if the issue is her that's valid. But struggling more and more to find topics to talk about after only 13 days and 5 dates and having sex as some sort of strategy to bond more other than private parts bonding just doesn't sound like a good match or potentially a good match to me. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Well at least now you're taking some ownership of your role in not finding "interesting" topics to discuss, as it takes two people to have any type of conversation, interesting or otherwise. Not just one 'entertaining' the other, which at first it sounded like you expected him to do. Still waiting for you to answer this question: You keep telling us your conversations aren't interesting and that the communication is lacking but fail to communicate to us what "interesting" means to you and what you actually need as far as communicating with this man? I find that a bit ironic, but moving on.... What's your background? Science? Philosophy? Have you always required high mental stimulation in your personal interactions with people? I'm not telling that it's his problem that we can't keep a conversation going. Obviously it takes two people to have a conversation. My problem is that I don't know what I can do in this case in order for us to communicate better. When I say "interesting" I mean for us to find topics which we can both easily discuss, because we've already talked about basic stuff. My background is science. Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: Clearly. My questions are for her moving forward, and for her to be clear with herself about what she actually needs as far as "interesting" goes. And to own her role and participation in making conversations interesting and stimulating assuming that's what she needs. Which we don't even know since she has not communicated that with us. When someone is bored, look in the mirror. Boring people attract boring people. JMO. I agree that I am also part of the problem. What I want in a conversation is for both of us to find a topics which we can easily discuss and for the conversation to flow easily. I see that that's not the case and that's why I'm troubled. Maybe I'm the problem. i don't know. Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 5 hours ago, AGrPerson said: Well, isn't 5 dates too soon to get into a relationship? If I found spending time with someone boring and did not enjoy talking with them, no way would there ever have been 5 dates, or sex either. 3 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 I'm still not understanding why you thought having sex would result in better conversations. Were you intending to talk about the sex? 2 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 26 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: Maybe I'm the problem. i don't know. It's not just your problem, it's the two of you together that's the problem. Together, you're not a match, that's all. It's unclear why you're still even dating him. Why are you still dating him? You had four dates before sex happened, right? I asked you before but what happened on those dates? What do you actually like about him? What makes him a good match for YOU? These are questions to ask yourself as you determine whether you wish to continue dating him, or not. 1 Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 OP do you consider yourself to be socially awkward? How are your friendships? Do you have close friends with whom you can easily get into discussions about things that are interesting and thought provoking, or funny, or informational? 3 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: It's not just your problem, it's the two of you together that's the problem. Together, you're not a match, that's all. It's unclear why you're still even dating him. Why are you still dating him? You had four dates before sex happened, right? I asked you before but what happened on those dates? What do you actually like about him? What makes him a good match for YOU? These are questions to ask yourself as you determine whether you wish to continue dating him, or not. He's really sweet, likes hugs, cuddles, will say nice things to me. And it's not that we won't have a conversation with each other, it's that it's awkward at times with long times of silence during which we don't know what to say. Maybe it's the kind of dates that we go with each other. We usually go for a drink, or coffee. So during the whole date we are sitting across each other and chat. During at home dates it's completely different, we're both pretty relaxed and comfy, so the whole awkwardness goes away. Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 17 minutes ago, Jaunty said: OP do you consider yourself to be socially awkward? How are your friendships? Do you have close friends with whom you can easily get into discussions about things that are interesting and thought provoking, or funny, or informational? I am socially awkward yes. I have 3 friends with which we are pretty close. We can easily discuss about anything. And there's no social awkwardness. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 17 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: He's really sweet, likes hugs, cuddles, will say nice things to me. And it's not that we won't have a conversation with each other, it's that it's awkward at times with long times of silence during which we don't know what to say. Then get a puppy - this doesn't refer to two people who have potential to be in a relationship. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 1 hour ago, AGrPerson said: it's awkward at times with long times of silence during which we don't know what to say. Is this your first experience dating a man for longer than 1-2 dates? I ask because there is nothing bad or wrong with being silent together, you don't always have to be talking. In fact, I rather enjoy the silent moments together, I sometimes find those moments to be more intimate than endless chatter which can be exhausting! Sitting under a tree together at the park, watching the sunset, walking around the city together, sharing an apple pie in the country. When two people are attracted to each other, just being in each other's presence is enough, again you don't always have to be talking. I don't find that "boring" at all when I'm with the right man and he inspires me in other ways. That said, if you find the silences awkward or uncomfortable, it may be a sign that's he's simply not the right man for you, I don't know. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and appreciating, even enjoying, your own silent moments. Once you become comfortable in your own silent moments, those silent moments with your partner become less awkward and uncomfortable. Even sitting in a restaurant together. Don't sit across from each other, sit next to each other. If nothing to say, sit quietly together and observe the room. Sharing finger foods, listening to the music, whatever. It doesn't matter, again when highly attracted, simply being in each other's presence is sometimes enough. It's OK. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Is this your first experience dating a man for longer than 1-2 dates? I ask because there is nothing bad or wrong with being silent together, you don't always have to be talking. In fact, I rather enjoy the silent moments together, I sometimes find those moments to be more intimate than endless chatter which can be exhausting! Sitting under a tree together at the park, watching the sunset, walking around the city together, sharing an apple pie in the country. When two people are attracted to each other, just being in each other's presence is enough, again you don't always have to be talking. I don't find that "boring" at all when I'm with the right man and he inspires me in other ways. That said, if you find the silences awkward or uncomfortable, it may be a sign that's he's simply not the right man for you, I don't know. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and experiencing your own silent moments. Once you become comfortable in your own silent moments, experiencing those silent moments with your partner becomes less awkward and uncomfortable. Even sitting in a restaurant together. Don't sit across from each other, sit next to each other. If nothing to say, sit quietly together and observe the room. Sharing finger foods, listening to the music, whatever. It doesn't matter, again when highly attracted, simply being in each other's presence is sometimes enough. It's OK. I see. Yes it's the first time I've been to more than 2 days. All this is a first for me. I wouldn't say that I find it boring, but I get anxious that I have to say something in order for the other person to not find me boring. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: I see. Yes it's the first time I've been to more than 2 days. All this is a first for me. I wouldn't say that I find it boring, but I get anxious that I have to say something in order for the other person to not find me boring. Are you like this with your friends? Why do you think someone would find you boring because you're listening instead of talking? 1 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 55 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: it's awkward at times with long times of silence during which we don't know what to say. During at home dates it's completely different, we're both pretty relaxed and comfy, so the whole awkwardness goes away. So he's not "boring". You just seem socially awkward and need constant chatter to feel comfortable? That's 2 completely different things. 2 Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 1 hour ago, AGrPerson said: During at home dates it's completely different, we're both pretty relaxed and comfy, so the whole awkwardness goes away. Is this because you're making out / having sex? 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 15 minutes ago, Jaunty said: Is this because you're making out / having sex? No, it's because if we don't have something to say we will cuddle, or kiss and there's no anxiety. Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So he's not "boring". You just seem socially awkward and need constant chatter to feel comfortable? That's 2 completely different things. I think we are both socially awkward, and yes I'm not gonna lie, I feel anxious because of that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 2 hours ago, boltnrun said: I'm still not understanding why you thought having sex would result in better conversations. Were you intending to talk about the sex? Link to comment
LootieTootie Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 I don't think it really matters how socially awkward someone is or isn't when it comes to dating. If someone really is in to you, they want to hear more from you and know more of you. If this has only been 2 or 3 weeks and neither one of you find each other interesting to poke for more information, I don't see you both lasting except when you both just want a good romp. 1 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 11 minutes ago, boltnrun said: I thought that maybe it would bring us closer? I really don't know... It sounds stupid now that I think about it... Link to comment
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