We have trouble in communicating

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, he's comfortable with showing affection like kissing, hugging, or holding hands, but he's not good at keeping up a conversation, or saying what's on his mind. 

Please try to pay attention to actions rather than words. There's really no need for constant chatter, especially "what's wrong?",  etc. unless you tend to be an anxious or nervous person.

For example, does he treat you well?  It seems he's fine talking and expressing himself but not weird mind probing.

Please try to have less tense conversations. What's wrong with simply talking about get to know you type things.

Keep it mind that trying to constantly take the pulse of the relationship isn't necessary.  Even if you only felt the need to do so after intimacy. 

Perhaps take a deep breath, get to know each other better and read up on "eloquent silence". 

[Jaunty]

I think I misspoke when I said “he’s not that into you.”  What I think is that neither one of you is very into the other.  You liked having sex - though you don’t describe that as transcendent in any way either.  
 

Just “more comfortable” than trying to find any common ground for a conversation.  
 

Not the foundation here for  anything, except, again, for a decent hookup.  
 

if what you really want is a relationship this is not the way to go about it.  
 

As @catfeeder suggested, you could try to encourage some kind of discourse, if you’re determined not to let this fade away (which I’m sure it would easily do).  But PLEASE,  no “relationship talk” or “is something bothering you” type of trajectory.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

No I do not. But since I haven't been in a relationship, I fail to recognize how it should be, or when it's too early to give up on someone.

Do you have friends ? Are you bored with them where you never have interesting conversations?

I think feeling uncomfortable from intense infatuation or butterflies is separate from two people wanting each other to feel comfortable in their own skin when they’re together- conversation flows or there are comfortable silences. Especially while sharing dessert. 

[AGrPerson]

Thank you for your responses! Well, I keep feeling that maybe if I was more of an extrovert we would communicate in a better way. Because, as a person I'm not able to open up if I'm not feeling comfortable enough when I'm on a date with someone.

I try though to be myself when on dates and be more relaxed.

[AGrPerson]

I would also like your opinion on something else: In a time where people tend to go out and get intimate with multiple people do you believe that the talk about exclusivity should be done before getting intimate with someone? Do you think me getting intimate with him before getting to know him is a dangerous approach regarding my health? (Even though we used protection).

[Jaunty]

33 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

 Well, I keep feeling that maybe if I was more of an extrovert we would communicate in a better way.

I think you're off track with your concept of "communicate in a better way."  

You two are virtually truly strangers.   You didn't meet because of any commonalities and are not drawn to each other.  It seems like you both feel the other is "fine" so "might as well."

The way you talk about communication ... and you've done exactly the same in your threads about the other 2 guys over the past 3 -4 weeks - is the way people talk when they are actually in a relationship with someone and communication needs work.

If you are just meeting someone for a few times and it's not getting off the ground, you don't need to "work on communication" because you are learning as you go that the two of you do not have that going on.

This is when it's generally wise to move on.

And do not think of it as "giving up on him."   As you surely know, and has been mentioned already in each of your threads - MOST of the men you meet through OLD or a blind date, etc., are not going to be a match for you.   Your job, if you're really serious about finding a partner, is absolutely not to try to make something out of nothing.  Your job is to find someone who makes your heart sing.

[Jaunty]

14 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I would also like your opinion on something else: In a time where people tend to go out and get intimate with multiple people do you believe that the talk about exclusivity should be done before getting intimate with someone?

That's personal. 

Do you like to have sex with multiple partners or are you more of a monogamous type?  If the latter, of course, you would want to be exclusive.  

 If you're looking for sex some night, or you are fine with FWB situationships going on with several guys and / or with guys who have it going on with multiple other people, why bother with exclusivity talks? 

Seriously though:  What do YOU think?  I am seriously asking.  It's important that you have these parameters set for YOURSELF.

Quote

Do you think me getting intimate with him before getting to know him is a dangerous approach regarding my health? (Even though we used protection).

Oh, come on.  I can hardly take this seriously.   You're an adult.  OF COURSE you are risking your health by exchanging bodily fluids with another person, and when you do not know anything about their attitudes towards sex, it's a much higher risk. Condoms break,  other birth control also fails from time to time.  This is common knowledge.

But, since you are coming at this like you do not know:  Yes, having sex comes with a long list of potential risks and it's safer to do it with people you know and trust.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I would also like your opinion on something else: In a time where people tend to go out and get intimate with multiple people do you believe that the talk about exclusivity should be done before getting intimate with someone? Do you think me getting intimate with him before getting to know him is a dangerous approach regarding my health? (Even though we used protection).

Yes I think what you chose to do was riskier than if you knew him well and were exclusve.. I think it's totally up to you as a single consenting adult when you choose to have intercourse. I never took this approach but I don't think what you did is wrong if you felt like having sex with him.

You two have no communication issues and it's not because you're not an extrovert. The issue is you two don't have enough in common and you're not having a good time/fun being around him.  I wouldn't keep over thinking this. I agree with Jaunty.  If the sex was awesome and you two want to keep having casual sex that's an option but it sounds like  you are looking for a potential relationship.  There's no potential here IMO.

[AGrPerson]

I'm a monogamous person and I like going out with one person at a time. But is it okay to talk about exclusivity from the first date?

[Jaunty]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

I'm a monogamous person and I like going out with one person at a time. But is it okay to talk about exclusivity from the first date?

Why would you do that?  You have no idea on the first date(s) whether you would like to be exclusive with this complete stranger. 

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That's personal. 

Do you like to have sex with multiple partners or are you more of a monogamous type?  If the latter, of course, you would want to be exclusive.  

Do you mean here that I should talk about exclusivity before getting intimate with someone?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm a monogamous person and I like going out with one person at a time. But is it okay to talk about exclusivity from the first date?

Some people do -I didn't. To me monogamous usually refers to sexual monogamy.  It's ok to have whatever standards you want.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Do you mean here that I should talk about exclusivity before getting intimate with someone?

Yes if you want to be in a committed relationship before having intercourse.  Some people don't want to be in a committed relationship at all, others are fine with having sex prior to being exclusive.  Decide what YOUR standards are and act consistently with them.

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes if you want to be in a committed relationship before having intercourse.  Some people don't want to be in a committed relationship at all, others are fine with having sex prior to being exclusive.  Decide what YOUR standards are and act consistently with them.

Is that something that can be discussed with the other person even during the first few dates? I mean your preference.

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Is that something that can be discussed with the other person even during the first few dates. I mean your preference.

Obviously -if you have musts then discuss them.  If it's just a preference then I would wait till you know the person better but that's just me.  

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Do you mean here that I should talk about exclusivity before getting intimate with someone?

If you want to have an exclusive sexual relationship with them.   

Isn't this common sense?   

When I was dating as a mature person, I did not have casual sex with anybody.  We developed our relationship by dating and when it got to a point where it was very real,  that was when sexual intimacy happened.

In younger (and not sober) years, sometimes I was known to "fall into bed" with someone because we were both full of fiery hormones; and more than once this led to a relationship.  But there was no plan in place for that, no intentional dating, no OLD, just ... a lot of chemistry and lust.  

Of course that was many years ago.  And also if we found it was difficult to have a blast being together even if we'd enjoyed sex while high or whatever, we would NOT have bothered with dating.

 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm a monogamous person and I like going out with one person at a time. But is it okay to talk about exclusivity from the first date?

Simply tell him that. No it's silly to ask to be exclusive on a first date. When sex happens, that's a good time. 

[AGrPerson]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Simply tell him that. No it's silly to ask to be exclusive on a first date. When sex happens, that's a good time. 

The guy I'm going out with now asked me if we're in a relationship now that we had sex and I said to him that it's too early to say that we are in a relationship, mainly because we have those communication issues. I'm not sure how it sounded to him though.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

The guy I'm going out with now asked me if we're in a relationship now that we had sex and I said to him that it's too early to say that we are in a relationship, 

Why would you say this? It seems like you're trying to sabotage the relationship. Because.... he's not chatty or a texter? 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

The guy I'm going out with now asked me if we're in a relationship now that we had sex and I said to him that it's too early to say that we are in a relationship, mainly because we have those communication issues. I'm not sure how it sounded to him though.

You don't have communication issues - you barely know each other. Your issue is that you don't enjoy hanging out with him - you're thinking it's some psychospeak "communication issue"  - overall you two don't mesh at this point.  You figured you'd have intercourse to make it happen and it didn't.  Which of course it didn't.  Might you mesh if you keep dating -doubtful because you're already bored after 13 days and 5 dates.  And sex. You're not  in a relationship just because you had intercourse on the 5th date.  All it means is you and he have had intercourse.  

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

he texted me today to see how I'm doing, but during the last 4 hours we've discussed pretty basic stuff, like what I did today and how his trip was. And it's like that every time. It's not that he's not trying, it's that we fail to have an interesting conversation

I am having trouble discerning what sort of things you would like to be talking about. 

What makes a conversation "interesting" for you? You say there are communication problems but again, you hardly know the guy. What is it you want to be talking about that you two aren't talking about? 

[AGrPerson]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am having trouble discerning what sort of things you would like to be talking about. 

What makes a conversation "interesting" for you? You say there are communication problems but again, you hardly know the guy. What is it you want to be talking about that you two aren't talking about? 

Well, it's not about what we are talking about, but the difficulty to discuss something. I mean after every date it seems harder and harder to find topics to discuss. 

[AGrPerson]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you say this? It seems like you're trying to sabotage the relationship. Because.... he's not chatty or a texter? 

Well, isn't 5 dates too soon to get into a relationship?

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, it's not about what we are talking about, but the difficulty to discuss something. I mean after every date it seems harder and harder to find topics to discuss. 

It sounds like you just don't have much in common. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like you just don't have much in common. 

Yes I agree -it's very simple -it should be fun to talk about whatever -your days, current events and there should be mutual interest in uncovering the layers over a period of time -talking about goals, values, whatever makes you tick.  You both should be intrigued and interested to learn about each other - to ask good follow up questions and to me there should be plenty of banter, laughing, flirting.  Even if you like different things -I now watch some Star Trek for example, I've become more of a baseball fan, I've become a better traveler -he inspires me to come out of my comfort zone and I believe I inspire him to be less reserved (and eat breakfast lol). 

He was very very shy the first time we dated -he was in his 20s - me too -and we talked a lot.  He wanted to know all about me -the big stuff the little stuff and same for me.  He's introverted but it doesn't matter- if a person is interested in getting to know you they will do it in their way but it will be obvious.  Especially at the beginning.  Please find someone you have fun being around - life is too short.