We have trouble in communicating

[AGrPerson]

I've been going out with a guy for about 2 weeks. We've been in 5 days and I've observed that we have a difficulty maintaining a conversation. The same happens during texting too. He'll frequently respond with just an "Okay" or a reaction to my text, making it difficult for me to continue the conversation.

He won't communicate what he's thinking either, and I find myself asking him if everything is okay in order for him to open up to me.

When we're intimate he's a totally different person though, showing me a lot of affection.

Is there something that I can do in order to make him open up and be more comfortable about expressing his feelings to me? Should I discuss that with him?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I've been going out with a guy for about 2 weeks.  we have a difficulty maintaining a conversation. When we're intimate he's a totally different person though, showing me a lot of affection.

Unfortunately it seems he wants to shut you out emotionally. Perhaps to keep things strictly physical.  If you are having difficulty even maintaining a conversation it seems you're not compatible and have no chemistry. He doesn't seem interested in a relationship or building a relationship or getting to know you other than intimacy. 

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems he wants to shut you out emotionally. Perhaps to keep things physical only. If you are having difficulty even maintaining a conversation it seems you're not compatible and have no chemistry.

What troubles me is that he's been like that from the start, it's not that he showed interest and gradually stopped. He's also showing emotions but only when we're alone at home.

[AGrPerson]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

What troubles me is that he's been like that from the start, it's not that he showed interest and gradually stopped. He's also showing emotions but only when we're alone at home.

He went on a trip today for the weekend and I want to text him and ask him if he arrived safely but I know that we won't be able to maintain a conversation.

[Andrina]

Do you mean you've been on 5 dates? Are you normally this quickly intimate with a guy when you're undecided of whether or not you're compatible in every area, including conversation? If so, that's fine unless you're the type who bonds with a man, even if he's lacking in some way. 

I'd be bored, as you probably are, with someone who is tight-lipped for whatever reason.

The norm, when you've begun dating someone, is to learn about each other. You could tell him about your life, such as if you had pets growing up, and then ask if he had pets. Ask what his favorite subjects were at school, if he got along with siblings if he had any, etc. If he's too brief and boring, then accept this is who he is and then you can let him know the relationship isn't working out for you.

If he has one answer replies to texts, I wouldn't even bother texting him on vacation. See if he reaches out to you. If he can't even tell you he misses you while he's away, you might as well be texting some random acquaintance. We can only pick one special person as a romantic partner. Why settle?

[Jaunty]

I'm not sure why you would get sexual with a person you could not communicate with, unless you were just looking for a hookup.

That said - please do not try to get into talk about FEELINGS after only 5 dates.  Though you've been physically intimate, you don't know each other well enough to expect that kind of vulnerability from this man.  Obviously it's not his style.  Also clearly he's not into text bantering so just give up on that.  He's not the only person who shies away from text chatter.  

Stay away from "Is something bothering you" type of probing as well until / unless you develop some kind of a rapport beyond the bedroom.  

Usually in early dating times people are getting to know each other, learning if they are compatible, share interests, that kind of thing.  

Try that for a while.  Though it might just be that you are not compatible after all, except sexually.

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Do you mean you've been on 5 dates? Are you normally this quickly intimate with a guy when you're undecided of whether or not you're compatible in every area, including conversation? If so, that's fine unless you're the type who bonds with a man, even if he's lacking in some way. 

I'd be bored, as you probably are, with someone who is tight-lipped for whatever reason.

The norm, when you've begun dating someone, is to learn about each other. You could tell him about your life, such as if you had pets growing up, and then ask if he had pets. Ask what his favorite subjects were at school, if he got along with siblings if he had any, etc. If he's too brief and boring, then accept this is who he is and then you can let him know the relationship isn't working out for you.

If he has one answer replies to texts, I wouldn't even bother texting him on vacation. See if he reaches out to you. If he can't even tell you he misses you while he's away, you might as well be texting some random acquaintance. We can only pick one special person as a romantic partner. Why settle?

Well, we've talked about all those things but it keeps feeling like we're interviewing each other and like we're trying too hard to keep talking to each other. The natural flow of a conversation is missing. The same applies to texting too. I got my hopes up during the previous days since he started to open up a bit, but now I feel like we are disconnected again.

[boltnrun]

On 2/17/2024 at 3:55 PM, AGrPerson said:

I told him that I got in a difficult position with his question, he apologised and we agreed to stop seeing each other.

So you decided to continue seeing him?  According to what I quoted you chose to stop seeing him because he was being overly possessive and asking you questions he had no right asking.  Why did you change your mind?

Or is this someone completely different?  If so, it happened pretty quickly, no?

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So you decided to continue seeing him?  According to what I quoted you chose to stop seeing him because he was being overly possessive and asking you questions he had no right asking.  Why did you change your mind?

Or is this someone completely different?  If so, it happened pretty quickly, no?

It's someone different, yes. It's true that it happened pretty quickly. It's the guy I went out on a date that day.

[Andrina]

I've been in a similar situation once, but in a different way. I found the guy to be fascinating and clever in conversation. However, I'd never felt so uncomfortable with someone. I always felt as if I was being examined under a microscope by him. He ended it with me, but I would've probably did the deed myself shortly after if he hadn't.

Eventually, I met my future husband and we felt very comfortable with one another and nothing felt forced or unnatural.

In your shoes, if you don't want to give it the axe immediately, I'd still suggest not giving it more than another 2 weeks if you two can't establish a satisfying comfort level.

As the old proverb goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Attractiveness, of course, can't be the only reason for staying with someone.

[Jaunty]

There is no reason you have to keep seeing this guy, unless you're good with having a hookup type of situation.   It seems pretty obvious that you two don't have the makings for a different type of relationship.  That is, if you want to be with someone you have a good rapport with.  

Some people do not care about that, so you could end up with a relationship where the two of you do not talk.

I would like to understand better:

1) Why be sexual with someone you don't have communication established with, if communication like that is important to you?

2) What was the rush to get sexual?  Why not date and get to know each other?  Again, if you were looking for more than a sex buddy.

3) Do you believe that "good communication" hinges on talking about "feelings"?  I would caution you about that.  A good, deep relationship definitely encompasses that kind of communication, but it takes time and building of trust to get there.  Even then, not everybody is interested in probing "what's wrong" and "is something bothering you" regularly in their lives.  

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

There is no reason you have to keep seeing this guy, unless you're good with having a hookup type of situation.   It seems pretty obvious that you two don't have the makings for a different type of relationship.  That is, if you want to be with someone you have a good rapport with.  

Some people do not care about that, so you could end up with a relationship where the two of you do not talk.

I would like to understand better:

1) Why be sexual with someone you don't have communication established with, if communication like that is important to you?

2) What was the rush to get sexual?  Why not date and get to know each other?  Again, if you were looking for more than a sex buddy.

3) Do you believe that "good communication" hinges on talking about "feelings"?  I would caution you about that.  A good, deep relationship definitely encompasses that kind of communication, but it takes time and building of trust to get there.  Even then, not everybody is interested in probing "what's wrong" and "is something bothering you" regularly in their lives.  

1) Well, I felt that maybe getting sexual would help us get closer to each other.

2) The same as above. Well we're both looking for a relationship to be honest.

3) No, when I talk about good communication I mean being comfortable to the presence of one another, being comfortable to talk about things, having a good time when talking to each other.

Honestly, I'm new to dating and I haven't had a relationship before so I find your information really valuable.

Do you believe that having been on 5 dates is too soon for us to have established a good way of communicating?

Was it too soon to get sexual with him?

[boltnrun]

How did you come to the conclusion that having sex would improve communication?

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How did you come to the conclusion that having sex would improve communication?

I thought that it would bring us closer to each other. That it was what was missing.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

What troubles me is that he's been like that from the start, it's not that he showed interest and gradually stopped. He's also showing emotions but only when we're alone at home.

How soon after you met did you have sex with him? I think you have certain opinions about what communicating means. Why should a person who's only known you two weeks be open with all his feelings including on text? Why are you being confrontational in a way -pushy? That's not really healthy "communication".  What will bring you closer is getting to know each other over a period of months if you have stuff in common -do you?

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I thought that it would bring us closer to each other. That it was what was missing.

So you've known him for 14 days.  Do you generally have sex with someone you just met?  And how exactly does sex with someone you barely know bring you "closer"?

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How soon after you met did you have sex with him?

After 2 weeks.

[boltnrun]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

After 2 weeks.

So you just had sex with him for the first time last night?  You met him on February 17th according to your previous thread. That was two weeks ago. 

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

After 2 weeks.

I added to my post if you're interested.  2 weeks is very early on.  And your motives seemed to be unrealistic - it's fine to have sex whenever - but not sure why you assumed it would increase any emotional connection on his side.

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So you just had sex with him for the first time last night?  You met him on February 17th according to your previous thread. That was two weeks ago. 

No, the day before yesterday.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you've known him for 14 days.  Do you generally have sex with someone you just met?  And how exactly does sex with someone you barely know bring you "closer"?

 

[Jaunty]

Okay, slow down here.

I just looked at your past posts.

This is the THIRD guy that you have gotten emotionally engaged with, without even getting to know who they are, or letting them know who you are

IN THE PAST 3 WEEKS!!

Please, stop.

Here's the cold hard truth:   You never got to know each other, that's the most important part.

But the next part is that these guys simply were not that into you.   You shouldn't have been "that into" them either, since you didn't know them, but you go further:

You think that if you can change them, or "communicate" differently, you will then have the instantaneous relationship that you evidently are looking for.

You've said frequently that you are not used to dating.  Have you had a boyfriend before?

Your approach is not going to serve you well.  Please don't do this any more.  You did mention getting a therapist - why not try that.   Hopefully some counseling can help you navigate dating and the POSSIBILITY  of it leading somewhere.

But you need to get comfortable with this reality:  Most dating does NOT lead to a long term relationship, and if people are not strongly compelled to be together, no amount of "communication" in early days is going to make that happen.

[boltnrun]

I agree.  Why the big hurry?  Do you understand it takes more than 13 days to get to know someone to even know if you want to keep dating them, let alone be intimate and have a relationship?

Again, why are you in such a hurry?  Who's pressuring you to get into a relationship NOW???

[AGrPerson]

Thank you all for your comments! I would like to ask one question: How do you know when you don't have chemistry with the other person and when it's simply too soon to have developed a connection with the other person?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you all for your comments! I would like to ask one question: How do you know when you don't have chemistry with the other person and when it's simply too soon to have developed a connection with the other person?

Two different things. I knew I didn't have enough romantic chemistry if by the 4th date I didn't have a desire to kiss the person or enjoy kissing him.  It depends what you mean by the vague word "connection".  If I enjoyed hanging out with the person and talking to the person I kept dating him. If I didn't, I stopped.