Feel worse now than at first with the breakup.

[Cat1203]

Hi,

Just for a little information me and my ex have been broken up for nearly 4 months. However after one month of breaking up and being in no contact he messaged me to congratulate me. Then from then on he messaged every 2 weeks then he said he wanted to take it slow and gradual and all of a sudden after he went out he ghosted me all my messages, and then deleted me back on social media. I find the ghosting after 4 years to be extremely disrespectful and hurtful especially when he was reaching out to me. He hasn’t blocked me and I havnt blocked him. 

We have now been no contact for a month, not like we spoke about being in no contact it’s just he ghosted me. This weekend I’ve just been thinking about it and feeling different to how I’ve felt at the start of the breakup im feeling hurt and I feel maybe now after time I’m going through a time of accepting we won’t get back together. I’m not sure any opinions?

 

[SooSad33]

How long together?

It's normal on both ends to 'feel' some loss after a BU.

But you can't really expect anything more from him.  You two are no longer involved, so neither of you owe the other anything.

Sounds like he was using you - weaning off you as he worked on accepting the relationship is over . When actually its usually best to be just be totally done! As I said, no expectations.

Some ex's even agree to remain 'friends', and often that doesn't last or work out either, due to emotions still being present.

Maybe it is time for YOU as well, to work on accepting things are done , part of the mourning process ( grieving). It's normal to be in denial, hurt for a while, go thru anger, etc ,  But don't expect an ex to comfort you.  Lean on friends & family as you work thru it all.

 

[catfeeder]

Who initiated the breakup, and why?

[Kwothe28]

After one month he struck out and kept you in reserve just in case he doesnt find anyone. And after he found somebody else, he cut contact completely. 

Sorry it happened, he really doesnt seem like a stand up guy. Its best to just accept its over and move on. 

[Batya33]

I agree.  It's a huge risk to have wishy washy random contact with an ex you still have feelings for.  I stayed in random contact with my long term ex for about 2 years after the breakup.  But we were done. I would have been happy if he met someone.  He knew I was serious with someone. My future husband was fine with it.  As soon as my ex met someone and I could sense it might be serious I backed way off- I didn't ghost or block just did the slow fade so he wouldn't have to and so it wouldn't be awkward. I didn't want to even look inappropriate to his new girlfriend (they got married same year as us many years ago). 

I cannot imagine had we been in this random contact and I was pining away for him how much it would have hurt when he met his future wife.  Oh wait I can because I'd made that mistake in the past.  Ouch!

I married my ex fiancee.  Not this ex.  We were in very limited contact for the 7 years we were apart - one or two mostly impersonal emails a year, one quick dinner once.  But when we got back together our contact was not random and was very focused - it was clear as far as he wanted to meet up in person to catch up and although we met up 3 times platonically over 5 weeks before getting back together I was willing to risk that he wasn't looking to be back together -I had eyes wide open so if he'd "ghosted" I'd have known I signed up for it.  But it was worth it because he was contacting me specifically to make a plan to see me in person and then we did -not this wishy washy checking in nonsense -and if he had done that after we met up once or twice -just random I'd have guarded my heart and shut it down.  It's too risky IMO

I hope you feel better. 

[Cat1203]

18 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

How long together?

It's normal on both ends to 'feel' some loss after a BU.

But you can't really expect anything more from him.  You two are no longer involved, so neither of you owe the other anything.

Sounds like he was using you - weaning off you as he worked on accepting the relationship is over . When actually its usually best to be just be totally done! As I said, no expectations.

Some ex's even agree to remain 'friends', and often that doesn't last or work out either, due to emotions still being present.

Maybe it is time for YOU as well, to work on accepting things are done , part of the mourning process ( grieving). It's normal to be in denial, hurt for a while, go thru anger, etc ,  But don't expect an ex to comfort you.  Lean on friends & family as you work thru it all.

 

Yeah this sounds exactly what it was like! 
Because now all of a sudden, there’s nothing just been ignored and ghosted even when he was the one who said to take it gradual and slow. 
 

I don’t think I want to be back with him to be honest I even thought that when we spilt up, but still hurts and I’m not sure why

[Cat1203]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Who initiated the breakup, and why?

Hi,

he initiated the breakup because he said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. But I believe it was very one sided for a long time

[Cat1203]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  It's a huge risk to have wishy washy random contact with an ex you still have feelings for.  I stayed in random contact with my long term ex for about 2 years after the breakup.  But we were done. I would have been happy if he met someone.  He knew I was serious with someone. My future husband was fine with it.  As soon as my ex met someone and I could sense it might be serious I backed way off- I didn't ghost or block just did the slow fade so he wouldn't have to and so it wouldn't be awkward. I didn't want to even look inappropriate to his new girlfriend (they got married same year as us many years ago). 

I cannot imagine had we been in this random contact and I was pining away for him how much it would have hurt when he met his future wife.  Oh wait I can because I'd made that mistake in the past.  Ouch!

I married my ex fiancee.  Not this ex.  We were in very limited contact for the 7 years we were apart - one or two mostly impersonal emails a year, one quick dinner once.  But when we got back together our contact was not random and was very focused - it was clear as far as he wanted to meet up in person to catch up and although we met up 3 times platonically over 5 weeks before getting back together I was willing to risk that he wasn't looking to be back together -I had eyes wide open so if he'd "ghosted" I'd have known I signed up for it.  But it was worth it because he was contacting me specifically to make a plan to see me in person and then we did -not this wishy washy checking in nonsense -and if he had done that after we met up once or twice -just random I'd have guarded my heart and shut it down.  It's too risky IMO

I hope you feel better. 

Yeah! I know we are done and to be honest I know deep down that I don’t want to go back there again i don’t want regret the relationship but I don’t want to go back to feeling or being treated a bit crappy most the time especially towards the end or even he couldn’t gone me what I wanted. 

im just angry with the ghosting cause I feel like saying who do you think you are!!! That’s what I’m saying in my head, because I know I’d never treat someone like that. I know I’ll get over this part of my life at some point it’s just about waiting it out but sometimes thinking about it it’s so rubbish what’s happened and I feel as I spent so much time in that relationship I feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m feeling more as time goes on, not necessarily j want to get back with him but more realisation of what’s actually happened and it sucks

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and frustrated with how he behaved.  I hope you feel better!

[Cat1203]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and frustrated with how he behaved.  I hope you feel better!

Thank you, I know once you’ve broken up he doesn’t owe me anything. But after that time spent together a bit of respect to not ghost me just to say he couldn’t speak about things right now or whatever would have been okay. But it is what it is I’ll get over it. Thanks for commenting!

[JohnSimons1901]

On 2/25/2024 at 7:01 PM, Cat1203 said:

Hi,

Just for a little information me and my ex have been broken up for nearly 4 months. However after one month of breaking up and being in no contact he messaged me to congratulate me. Then from then on he messaged every 2 weeks then he said he wanted to take it slow and gradual and all of a sudden after he went out he ghosted me all my messages, and then deleted me back on social media. I find the ghosting after 4 years to be extremely disrespectful and hurtful especially when he was reaching out to me. He hasn’t blocked me and I havnt blocked him. 

We have now been no contact for a month, not like we spoke about being in no contact it’s just he ghosted me. This weekend I’ve just been thinking about it and feeling different to how I’ve felt at the start of the breakup im feeling hurt and I feel maybe now after time I’m going through a time of accepting we won’t get back together. I’m not sure any opinions?

 

It sounds a little strange that he messaged to congratulate you, not sure what context that would be in? Sounds like he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and if he has now blocked you on socials it's all gaslighting and a bit of a game, you broke up for a reason you should stick to that. If you wanted to be together you would be and not doing the back and forth. What is the reason you broke up?

[Cat1203]

13 hours ago, JohnSimons1901 said:

It sounds a little strange that he messaged to congratulate you, not sure what context that would be in? Sounds like he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and if he has now blocked you on socials it's all gaslighting and a bit of a game, you broke up for a reason you should stick to that. If you wanted to be together you would be and not doing the back and forth. What is the reason you broke up?

Yeah he said oh I’m confused I don’t know what i want. Then eventually after him messaging me said oh I’m happy to take it slow and gradual then I just got ghosted. Been over a month now. The reason was because he fell out of love with me he said but still loved me and he’s felt like that for a while probs why I got treated like crap and it made me feel so bad for over a long time but just stayed. But yeah!

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Cat1203 said:

Yeah he said oh I’m confused I don’t know what i want. Then eventually after him messaging me said oh I’m happy to take it slow and gradual then I just got ghosted. Been over a month now. The reason was because he fell out of love with me he said but still loved me and he’s felt like that for a while probs why I got treated like crap and it made me feel so bad for over a long time but just stayed. But yeah!

Don't know -in that situation -is NO.  Anything less than "I want us to be together. I made a mistake.  I resolved the issue/reason we broke up" is a nonstarter.  (I married my ex fiancee, but years later)

[Cat1203]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Don't know -in that situation -is NO.  Anything less than "I want us to be together. I made a mistake.  I resolved the issue/reason we broke up" is a nonstarter.  (I married my ex fiancee, but years later)

Wish I followed this advice when people was telling me this! Lesson learnt incase there is a next time this happens!

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Cat1203 said:

Wish I followed this advice when people was telling me this! Lesson learnt incase there is a next time this happens!

Oh it’s all ok. It’s so normal to react as you did and understandable!