Just disappointing.

[kim42]

Do you want to hang out with him, or do you just want to chat with him?

I'm trying to understand what your expectations are.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Do you want to hang out with him, or do you just want to chat with him?

I'm trying to understand what your expectations are.

How is that ghosting? Didn't he just reach out vaguely? Seems a bit dramatic and if you keep that up you'll talk yourself into being negative about men generally for no good reason.  Many times I make new friends or get back in touch with friends online and it will fade out in just that way -I mean sure if I have solid plans to meet in person or a solid plan to talk on the phone at a specific time and it's a no show/MIA then yes fine -"I was ghosted."  You're already seeming to be negative about this whole thing and this analysis of yours just feeds it -unnecessarily.

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How is that ghosting? Didn't he just reach out vaguely? Seems a bit dramatic and if you keep that up you'll talk yourself into being negative about men generally for no good reason.  Many times I make new friends or get back in touch with friends online and it will fade out in just that way -I mean sure if I have solid plans to meet in person or a solid plan to talk on the phone at a specific time and it's a no show/MIA then yes fine -"I was ghosted."  You're already seeming to be negative about this whole thing and this analysis of yours just feeds it -unnecessarily.

I didn't understand the ghosting part either to be honest, that's why I asked the OP what she expects from this situation.

[TacticalLinguine]

What do you mean? Previously he vanished for a month. We were in the middle of a conversation, I’d asked about him and his occupation, he vanished. This time, I saw a similar pattern - he vanished for over 24h (the platform we chat on, the messages disappear after 24h, meaning he has nothing to respond to). Not only could he send a text in 24h had he wanted to, he disappeared for a while again. He was also watching my online avtivity so he was definitely on his phone. But no message. 
 

Later he sent me a message again, like “Ugh sorry my bad, messages gone” and talked about doing something when I’m back. I didn’t get a good feeling, I feel he is trying to keep me on a hook of some sort, but refusing to put in any actual effort. There is no real interest. Just breadcrumbs. He ignores me for a while, then throws some “ideas” at me. I’ve seen this before. 
 

I was open to anything, I always am. A new acquaintance, a friend, if something comes of it, great. If not, that’s fine! I’m just done with casual type of situationships that ultimately lead nowhere. 
 

I ended up not responding to his last message. It’s difficult to carry on the vibe to here, but there is no real effort on his end. Perhaps he’s just bored. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 2/7/2024 at 4:22 PM, kim42 said:

Do you want to hang out with him, or do you just want to chat with him?

I'm trying to understand what your expectations are.

Currently relying on chats because I am travelling. Not constant texting, we exchanged maybe once or twice a day. My last message to him was “We’ll see when I’m back” after he suggested we do something after my return. He tried to keep some conversation going, like “Yeah still a few weeks from what I understood”, I didn’t respond anymore. 
 

I don’t get a good feeling from this. My expectations don’t matter really when he’s not delivering anything. The fact that he vaguely responds and tries to keep me on a hook doesn’t do it for me. He already went ghost for a month, he appears and disappears constantly. I don’t know what he has going on, but it’s not me on his mind. 
 

He can message me when I’m back. I don’t feel I owe him anything after he went dark once already and makes any communication terribly exhausting and confusing. 

[catfeeder]

I hear. If someone went dark on me, I’d have zero trust that he wouldn’t just do that again. So why waste my time? It would no longer be about him, it would be about me and whether I could ever be motivated to engage him again. That would be a clear No.

With millions of people in the world, I’d credit myself with being able to find plenty of potential dates who are not flakes.

[TacticalLinguine]

Yeah. I’d be more open and direct at this point had he not ghosted me. I’d probably reach out saying “Hey stranger, I’m back on *this* date, would be great to see you”. But, no   
 

I ignored his last message 4/5 days ago now, we haven’t talked. I’m returning home today, maybe he will message me, maybe not. I would respond if there were intent and direct plans involved. Had he been anyone else, I’d have left this behind a long time ago, but him being my first ever crush makes me want to give this a chance, if at all possible. I won’t compromise my standards, though. Men I’ve dated have all ended up being lying jerks, I don’t plan on dealing with another one.  
 

I feel fine. Not expecting a message, glad I got the chance to talk to him. My younger self would be thrilled hahah. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you've had these experiences.  I'm not familiar with how you're using "ghosting" - and I hope you're not telling yourself some overly dramatic version to be consistent with your painting of the men you encounter for dating all being jerks.  I met a few for sure and a few players and even was assaulted and harassed but for the most part I met and dated really good people. I hope the same for you in the future.

[TacticalLinguine]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you've had these experiences.  I'm not familiar with how you're using "ghosting" - and I hope you're not telling yourself some overly dramatic version to be consistent with your painting of the men you encounter for dating all being jerks.  I met a few for sure and a few players and even was assaulted and harassed but for the most part I met and dated really good people. I hope the same for you in the future.

Ghosting is when a person vanishes. He did already for a month. He didn’t necessarily ghost this time, just vanished for some time and then sent me a breadcrumb, I don’t care for that. If he wants to truly approach me, he will. 
 

The men I have been with have lied about their lives, cheated on me, one turned physically violent. If anything, perhaps I haven’t been dramatic enough in the past :’)

 

I’m sticking to my boundaries and comfort this time. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Ghosting is when a person vanishes. He did already for a month. He didn’t necessarily ghost this time, just vanished for some time and then sent me a breadcrumb, I don’t care for that. If he wants to truly approach me, he will. 
 

The men I have been with have lied about their lives, cheated on me, one turned physically violent. If anything, perhaps I haven’t been dramatic enough in the past :’)

 

I’m sticking to my boundaries and comfort this time. 

Perfect. Good luck !  Often it’s safer to live in like a negative comfort zone because you don’t have to risk vulnerability. Safety is a valid option. You absolutely don’t have to date and likely shouldn’t given the negative experiences - doesn’t sound like you’re ready to give someone a real chance given the bad taste in your mouth. Life is totally cool without dating. Dating was a lot of time and effort and stress and some real aggravation for me so starting out with feeling like so many men have mistreated you just - like why bother. So much more to life. I chose not to give up after bad experiences but it’s absolutely an option. 
Thanks for sharing what ghosting means to you. I’ve got a different understanding of it. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Perfect. Good luck !  Often it’s safer to live in like a negative comfort zone because you don’t have to risk vulnerability. Safety is a valid option. You absolutely don’t have to date and likely shouldn’t given the negative experiences - doesn’t sound like you’re ready to give someone a real chance given the bad taste in your mouth. Life is totally cool without dating. Dating was a lot of time and effort and stress and some real aggravation for me so starting out with feeling like so many men have mistreated you just - like why bother. So much more to life. I chose not to give up after bad experiences but it’s absolutely an option. 
Thanks for sharing what ghosting means to you. I’ve got a different understanding of it. 

I can see applying the lessons I've taken from lousy experiences to build resilience and confidence as I move forward to meet others, but not this guy.

It's not that I'd make him a villain--it's more self respecting than that. It's about keeping myself open to meeting the right match for me. That needn't mean this instant, but it certainly has no room for diddling around with one who has no qualms or apologies about going ~poof!~ at any given time. That's messy badboy stuff, and I wouldn't find it charming.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I can see applying the lessons I've taken from lousy experiences to build resilience and confidence as I move forward to meet others, but not this guy.

It's not that I'd make him a villain--it's more self respecting than that. It's about keeping myself open to meeting the right match for me. That needn't mean this instant, but it certainly has no room for diddling around with one who has no qualms or apologies about going ~poof!~ at any given time. That's messy badboy stuff, and I wouldn't find it charming.

Yes and whether it's in a dating or friend context, man or woman.

[TacticalLinguine]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I can see applying the lessons I've taken from lousy experiences to build resilience and confidence as I move forward to meet others, but not this guy.

It's not that I'd make him a villain--it's more self respecting than that. It's about keeping myself open to meeting the right match for me. That needn't mean this instant, but it certainly has no room for diddling around with one who has no qualms or apologies about going ~poof!~ at any given time. That's messy badboy stuff, and I wouldn't find it charming.

It was rather goofy of him, we live in a small city, you’re bound to run into each other eventually. Had he been straightforward with me about the ghosting thing, made a genuine effort, I would have been more open. Cautious, but open. 

I’m handling how this situation has affected me, but I’d lie if I said it was easy all the time. I feel just fine most of the time, it is what it is, would have been nice to have casual contact even, but oh well. But then I end up on a random flight with a man who looks very similar to him (he has very distinctive features) and I get a knot in my tummy again. I almost found it amusing, what is life trying to tell me this time :’)

I tend to believe that when nothing is happening, everything is happening. This enconter shouldn’t have affected me like this, but it did, and I’m excited to see where I end up after I’m 100% over the disappointment. 

[TacticalLinguine]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Perfect. Good luck !  Often it’s safer to live in like a negative comfort zone because you don’t have to risk vulnerability. Safety is a valid option. You absolutely don’t have to date and likely shouldn’t given the negative experiences - doesn’t sound like you’re ready to give someone a real chance given the bad taste in your mouth. Life is totally cool without dating. Dating was a lot of time and effort and stress and some real aggravation for me so starting out with feeling like so many men have mistreated you just - like why bother. So much more to life. I chose not to give up after bad experiences but it’s absolutely an option. 
Thanks for sharing what ghosting means to you. I’ve got a different understanding of it. 

Absolutely. I protected myself with negativity and prejudice for a long time. I decided I want to be better! I try not to hold others responsible for the bad things that happened in the past. 
 

I’m definitely ok being single.. I prefer it in many ways. It takes a lot of effort for me to be a “team player” and I like my freedom. But the last year or so, I’ve also wanted to start giving and sharing more. I’d love to know what a healthy loving relationship feels like. I’d love to be a good partner to my person. I don’t have much hope anymore, but I’m still open to it. 
 

Reading about relationships here and the advice that comes from people in actual healthy relationships, is what keeps me open. Makes me happy for the people posting. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Absolutely. I protected myself with negativity and prejudice for a long time. I decided I want to be better! I try not to hold others responsible for the bad things that happened in the past. 
 

I’m definitely ok being single.. I prefer it in many ways. It takes a lot of effort for me to be a “team player” and I like my freedom. But the last year or so, I’ve also wanted to start giving and sharing more. I’d love to know what a healthy loving relationship feels like. I’d love to be a good partner to my person. I don’t have much hope anymore, but I’m still open to it. 
 

Reading about relationships here and the advice that comes from people in actual healthy relationships, is what keeps me open. Makes me happy for the people posting. 

Hope is abstract -just be careful about not getting in your own way. I'd focus more on nitty gritty basic concrete steps you can take every day or regularly to become the right person to find the right person  - wanting to give and share are wonderful intentions!

It's good you see being a team player as a restriction on freedom -I see that -I find it freeing in a way.  For me the true restrictions on freedom have been related to parenting.  Sacrifices that are worth it -so for now be honest with yourself about whether accepting what you see as restrictive is worth it to be close and intimate with a person who is right for  you potentially. 

Dating requires a really thick skin (IMO especially if you're looking for the long term)  so if you get this caught up and riled up when you're not even dating the person - you might want to evaluate that level of reaction - you seem to be maybe blaming individuals for how you were treated in the past by entirely other individuals - so instead of trying -do it- it requires a lot of self talk but it's worth it IMO.  

 

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Absolutely. I protected myself with negativity and prejudice for a long time. I decided I want to be better! I try not to hold others responsible for the bad things that happened in the past. 

Great job on the self awareness. I think conscious choices to take the best lessons from our experiences (as opposed to limiting ones) are a continual part of our development throughout our lifetime. Just like the annoying auto-correct feature that starts out getting all our typed words wrong, we can build intelligence over time and learn to make  better decisions. There is no standard for perfection--that's imaginary. We are always in progress.

Quote

... I’d love to be a good partner to my person. I don’t have much hope anymore, but I’m still open to it. 

I hear. Hope is one of those charged words, like forgiveness, which means different things to different people. Some view hope as delusional, the way some view religion. Others view hope through a gentler lens, as an aspiration. So in that respect, I'm an advocate of hope and believe that it can be a guiding motivator.

I see no point in saying, "I want this, but I won't hope for it." Whuuut? That's a mixed message to your psyche that can sabotage your efforts. If that word is too charged to accept, then try, "I want this, AND I believe that it's possible."

Quote

Reading about relationships here and the advice that comes from people in actual healthy relationships, is what keeps me open. Makes me happy for the people posting. 

Yep, makes me happy, too. I love that we can support one another.

Head high, TL!

[Batya33]

I think hope is motivating and if you hope for a goal then to me it has to be combined with concrete actions no matter how small.  

[TacticalLinguine]

So I definitely have an update. 
 

After I returned from my travels, he quite quickly messaged me. Asked a little bit about how I’m feeling about being back, then instantly wanted to set up a meeting. I thought, okay. Great. Something is happening.
 

We agreed on a date that was 5 days away - work and friends came first for me, I was also feeling a bit (a lot) under the weather so it was good for me. He agreed. He texted me quite a bit during those 5 days. He sent some weird messages that seemed quite random and gave me a weird feeling, but I brushed it off to him not being a texter. 
 

On the day of the meeting, I was feeling good. My girlfriend was very excited for me. Then, at lunch, he messages me. He might have to cancel. He might have to drive out of the city because his sister’s family might need help. He might make it back in time. But wouldn’t want me to wait. I immediately recognised the bs, made other plans, I was annoyed. But I simply texted him “ok, drive safe” or something like that. I left it. He said he feels bad and will call me, I recognised the small amount of effort, but I was in meetings all day. I declined and wished him good luck. 
 

Later in the evening he texted me again. He expressed remorse again, there was some casual banter for a bit, then the conversation died down. 
 

A day later he messaged me again. I’d posted about going to a tattoo appointment, he asked what I’m getting. I replied that he’ll have to meet me to see it. I was chill but quite detached at that point. But I wasn’t gonna continue bantering over texts - meet me or be gone! He said “Cool, now we have to meet”.  
 

And that’s that. I never responded to that last message. Why would I. You cancelled, make new plans or stop wasting my time. “Now we have to”, get out of here. It’s been a few days now, we haven’t talked, I feel fine. I mean, this guy sucks! Makes plans with me, plays around, wastes my time. I was so bent out of shape some weeks ago because of him, now I’m just excited to leave it behind. My girlfriend’s being a great support through everything, I’m very glad to have her. 
 

Onwards! 

[Batya33]

Yes it is totally on him to reschedule. I would not have messaged even once unless he had a specific suggestion to reschedule.

[TacticalLinguine]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it is totally on him to reschedule. I would not have messaged even once unless he had a specific suggestion to reschedule.

Definitely lesson learned there! 
 

He expressed a lot of remorse, hinted that I might be offended, I even came forward and said I’m open to rescheduling, I’m free Sunday (yesterday) and sometime next week. He completely ignored that message and sent me some dog vids I’d asked for. 
 

After that I shut down the conversation, till he messaged me a day later for one last time. He just wasted my time, what was the point, I don’t get it :’)

[Sindy_0311]

29 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Definitely lesson learned there! 
 

He expressed a lot of remorse, hinted that I might be offended, I even came forward and said I’m open to rescheduling, I’m free Sunday (yesterday) and sometime next week. He completely ignored that message and sent me some dog vids I’d asked for. 
 

After that I shut down the conversation, till he messaged me a day later for one last time. He just wasted my time, what was the point, I don’t get it :’)

I don’t think he wasted your time. You never met, he was just a number on a screen. Maybe he was talking with multiple people and at the moment he decided to give more energy to the one(s) he felt more attracted to… I sometimes also start a conversation, text for a few days and then change my mind because there is someone else I feel more “connection” with… this is just how it works. Don’t take it personal. Also have to say that I have been texting with many many guys on online dating sites, sometimes we met, sometimes not, but I don’t get emotional at all about it. As long as I don’t meet the guy, he remains an abstract concept to me… I have no expectations at all.  

[TacticalLinguine]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t think he wasted your time. You never met, he was just a number on a screen. Maybe he was talking with multiple people and at the moment he decided to give more energy to the one(s) he felt more attracted to… I sometimes also start a conversation, text for a few days and then change my mind because there is someone else I feel more “connection” with… this is just how it works. Don’t take it personal. Also have to say that I have been texting with many many guys on online dating sites, sometimes we met, sometimes not, but I don’t get emotional at all about it. As long as I don’t meet the guy, he remains an abstract concept to me… I have no expectations at all.  

And that’s fine. But he already ghosted me, made plans, cancelled, hinted at more plans. It’s so lame. Just talk. 

[Sindy_0311]

I don’t understand why you say he wasted your time? Because of the texting? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Definitely lesson learned there! 
 

He expressed a lot of remorse, hinted that I might be offended, I even came forward and said I’m open to rescheduling, I’m free Sunday (yesterday) and sometime next week. He completely ignored that message and sent me some dog vids I’d asked for. 
 

After that I shut down the conversation, till he messaged me a day later for one last time. He just wasted my time, what was the point, I don’t get it :’)

I thought you’d met in person before. I think you shouldn’t waste your own time - meet within a week or two and give one more chance for a true emergency. 

[TacticalLinguine]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t understand why you say he wasted your time? Because of the texting? 

Yeah. To me, energy wasted, is time wasted. Had I been more open to it, he probably would have continued texting me without anything actually happening :’)