Me F25 have abandonment issues

[9882982]

I'm at another phase in my daily life where i feel anxiety, fear of abandonment and hurt

. I (F25) am in a happy relationship with a good man( M35), but i do often feel scared that he could do something to hurt me (like lie to me, leave me, something with another woman), despite the fact, he is really good and monogamous, he often reassures me, talk to me when i need to express my feelings, but i'm starting to feel like a burden, like he is going to be overwhelmed by me and would leave me for my anxiety. How can I deal with it? For the records, my parents are divorced from when I was 11, back then i felt abandoned by my mom and it was hard to forgive and understand her. Also, i've been through some difficult and toxic relationships where my self confidence was crashed to the ground. How can I help myself to not be like this, to be more happy and calm, to not threating the relationship i'm in. I don't want to lose him. He have the most healthiest treatment to me. He is kind and patient. 

[9882982]

I also overthink a lot, i'm starting to be jealous like when he goes to a party, or tells me something about a female friend i feel bad. I believe that for the moment he wouldn't make anything (this is the trust i have for him for now, i can't trust anyone fully). He doesn't make me jealous, i just go into my head and start to think stupid things. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, 9882982 said:

I also overthink a lot, i'm starting to be jealous like when he goes to a party, or tells me something about a female friend i feel bad. 

How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person? It seems to be going well. Pace yourself and take your time getting to know and trust each other. Is this the same man?

 

[Cookie24]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I know how it feels because I have those thoughts myself, but it's important to learn to open up your heart to loss and being abandoned. It's not a big deal, you'll get over it anyway. 

I have these thoughts only when I'm in romantic relationships, and even though when I had them the people I was with turned out to be the bad kind..I knew I had to quiten those thoughts, and observe. Why not try the same and see if it works for you? You can try the rubber band technique, I did and saw some improvement.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, 9882982 said:

I'm at another phase in my daily life where i feel anxiety, fear of abandonment and hurt

. I (F25) am in a happy relationship with a good man( M35), but i do often feel scared that he could do something to hurt me (like lie to me, leave me, something with another woman), despite the fact, he is really good and monogamous, he often reassures me, talk to me when i need to express my feelings, but i'm starting to feel like a burden, like he is going to be overwhelmed by me and would leave me for my anxiety. How can I deal with it? For the records, my parents are divorced from when I was 11, back then i felt abandoned by my mom and it was hard to forgive and understand her. Also, i've been through some difficult and toxic relationships where my self confidence was crashed to the ground. How can I help myself to not be like this, to be more happy and calm, to not threating the relationship i'm in. I don't want to lose him. He have the most healthiest treatment to me. He is kind and patient. 

You can choose to treat him better by choosing to find other ways other than venting to him/asking him for reassurance when you feel that way.  Here are some ideas but you can come up with your own:

Daily cardio to get out the negative energy (like at least 20-30 minutes brisk walking or some other very intense phyiscal activity that gets your heart rate up)

4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it.

Call a friend and talk about anything but your fears - redirect your attention to giving to a friend.

Reward yourself for refraining from burdening your partner again.  Whatever - keep it reasonably healthy/etc but -a reward.

Find books that resonate with you -can be fiction about women who are strong and resilient or self help books that are highly recommended authoritative.

It's a choice. Your treatment of your partner is getting disrespectful and selfish. He's a good man, right?

(I had to practice this in another context recently when I went wayyyyy out of my comfort zone to travel all over a huge state out west for 9 days staying at 6 different low frills mostly hotels with our  teenager - I didn't do as well as I would have liked but better than I expected -I did it for my family especially our son who deserves to see the world even if his mom is not a great traveler - you have your past -you're not great at this stuff -so do the work.  It's worth it IMO)

Also are you bored with your good man and trying to stir up drama?

[Andrina]

You need to build a fulfilling life besides having a bf, by spending time with friends, hobbies, and enjoying your own company when not with him. And then have the mantra that if things don't work out between you two, you will have the normal upset but still have a strong support system and a happy life.

You can also read books on skills to boost your self-worth.

Of course, it's key to choose the right partner who shares your dating/life goals. Why is he attending parties without you, and have you met his female friends? It's important to know what your relationship boundaries are, and to not settle for someone who has opposite views on them. There is no right or wrong for opposite sex friends, but couples have to decide if their rules match in that area. Even with same sex friends, if a guy meets with a buddy two times a week to hit the bars, that'd be too much for some women, whereas once a month or 4 times a year would be fine. You have to know your comfort levels and find someone who doesn't make your heart pound in the bad way.

The new year is a good time to set up your life the way you want it. Good luck.

[shouldhavelearned]

Work on yourself.

 

Why get in relationships when you lingering issues like this?

[smackie9]

You need to work on yourself. Asking for reassurance is enabling your insecurity. It's not healthy to keep going to him for your security fix. I suggest you seek out counselling/therapy to learn how to cope better.

[9882982]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You need to build a fulfilling life besides having a bf, by spending time with friends, hobbies, and enjoying your own company when not with him. And then have the mantra that if things don't work out between you two, you will have the normal upset but still have a strong support system and a happy life.

You can also read books on skills to boost your self-worth.

Of course, it's key to choose the right partner who shares your dating/life goals. Why is he attending parties without you, and have you met his female friends? It's important to know what your relationship boundaries are, and to not settle for someone who has opposite views on them. There is no right or wrong for opposite sex friends, but couples have to decide if their rules match in that area. Even with same sex friends, if a guy meets with a buddy two times a week to hit the bars, that'd be too much for some women, whereas once a month or 4 times a year would be fine. You have to know your comfort levels and find someone who doesn't make your heart pound in the bad way.

The new year is a good time to set up your life the way you want it. Good luck.

He goes on these meetings without me, because we are not in the same cities. We meet every free day we get, but sometimes it's often, sometimes it's longer no-see moments. But we spent the Christmas holidays together, he got me a special gift for me, that is the key for making the big step to get together. He got me a voucher gift for my driving course, just to make easier our meetings and eventually to start living together. As he said yesterday, we have a plan and we go on to it little by little. His friends know about me and they are married, often ask to get together on a dinner or something, i just haven't know them yet, we are also invited to a wedding of one of his female friends. 

[Andrina]

6 minutes ago, 9882982 said:

He goes on these meetings without me, because we are not in the same cities. We meet every free day we get, but sometimes it's often, sometimes it's longer no-see moments. But we spent the Christmas holidays together, he got me a special gift for me, that is the key for making the big step to get together. He got me a voucher gift for my driving course, just to make easier our meetings and eventually to start living together. As he said yesterday, we have a plan and we go on to it little by little. His friends know about me and they are married, often ask to get together on a dinner or something, i just haven't know them yet, we are also invited to a wedding of one of his female friends. 

Okay, sounds good. What's his relationship history? That's something that can be very telling about a person.

You labelling yourself with abandonment issues can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know very few people without crosses to bear in life. What happened in your childhood is over now. You're an adult and need to learn resilience. While waiting for cognitive therapy appointments, if you're bound and determined to improve yourself, educate yourself with audio books, library books or store bought books to rid yourself of emotional baggage. Being pro-active will help you feel better that you're solving problems instead of wallowing in them.

[Batya33]

Is it possible long distance is simply not a good fit for you? What is the purpose in living together? Are you both on the same page about why you would move in with him?

[9882982]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible long distance is simply not a good fit for you? What is the purpose in living together? Are you both on the same page about why you would move in with him?

He is the main source of the idea of living together. It's hard for both of us when we cannot see each other. I also want to move in with him, i was / and maybe still i am/ afraid of this big step, because he would be the only one i know there, it's going to be something new for me, the city, the people, the work. But there is no other way of making things work. He is in the capital of our country, i live in a small town where he wouldn't have this job amd these work contacts that he have there. Also, i want the change, i want to get out of my comfort zone. 

He helps me a lot with talks and reassurance as i said. 

I'm gonna make an appointment for a specialist, so i try to make myself more self-confidence and to make this relationship easier for both of us. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, 9882982 said:

He is the main source of the idea of living together. It's hard for both of us when we cannot see each other. I also want to move in with him, i was / and maybe still i am/ afraid of this big step, because he would be the only one i know there, it's going to be something new for me, the city, the people, the work. But there is no other way of making things work. He is in the capital of our country, i live in a small town where he wouldn't have this job amd these work contacts that he have there. Also, i want the change, i want to get out of my comfort zone. 

He helps me a lot with talks and reassurance as i said. 

I'm gonna make an appointment for a specialist, so i try to make myself more self-confidence and to make this relationship easier for both of us. 

I highly recommend moving there only if you get your own place and are financially independent.  Then if you two make long term or marriage plans find a place to move in together based on those serious plans. I relocated 800 miles after 43 years straight in a major city where I grew up to be with my husband.  Because we were married and had a baby.

[9882982]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I highly recommend moving there only if you get your own place and are financially independent.  Then if you two make long term or marriage plans find a place to move in together based on those serious plans. I relocated 800 miles after 43 years straight in a major city where I grew up to be with my husband.  Because we were married and had a baby.

I will be financially independent, because i will find a job before moving there. 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, 9882982 said:

I will be financially independent, because i will find a job before moving there. 

Yes. And get your own place. Move in when it’s closer to a forever commitment or is one. Then you won’t feel as needy. Be on your own and be resilient on your own. Be an equal reasonably confident person who is independent and chooses to move in to enhance the serious relationship.  Also fewer changes at once. 

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, 9882982 said:

...he often reassures me, talk to me when i need to express my feelings, but i'm starting to feel like a burden, like he is going to be overwhelmed by me and would leave me for my anxiety. ...

You're smart to be concerned about setting up a negative feedback loop. You discuss your anxiety with your partner, he rewards that with reassurances, and then in time you raise your anxiety again?

Unless your partner has behaved in ways that have raised your suspicions, you may want to consider seeking other outlets for working through this particular issue so that your relationship doesn't begin to revolve around it. You're correct that this could become a kind of suffocating burden on your partner because he is powerless to resolve this for you.

Consider contacting your local hospital's human services department for a referral to potential resources for help and support. While you needn't resolve this on your own, your best possible outcome would come from investing in the treatment and the work to manage it.