Is it cheating? Do I stay?

[1puropse]

TLDR: BF of 6 months approached a woman in public, pressing her to get her number then lied to me 3x about who she is. He claims that we should not break up because he did not cheat but I feel like I can't trust him again. Is this relationship worth saving?

Before we started dating my BF (M31) was the womanizer type, that loved flirting and being forward with women. We started out as a hookup and a bit of a fwb situation until we caught feelings and started dating.

Things were good for a while and we had lots of fun together but he did display some behaviours that I really struggled with. For example, following and liking (often bikini/sexy) pictures of women he had slept with in the past on IG. When I voiced how that makes me feel, he would get defensive and often told me that it means nothing and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. After a few fights he finally stopped this kind of behaviour.

Overall, he treated me mostly well, invested a lot of time and effort into our relationship, was planning future with me and often said that he can see himself spending his life with me. He often did nice things for me, planned fun dates, we travelled together and when we were happy we were really happy.

Now this situation happened about a month and a half ago and I am really at my wits end and questioning my own perception of reality. I went to visit a friend for a few days and I knew he was going to see his friends. I had a bad gut feeling and I checked his IG and noticed that he started following this new girl but her profile was private. When on the phone I asked who she was, and he told me that she is some promoter that he ran into at a mall but I did not believe him cause he is a bad liar and the way he said it was really suspicious.

Given those past behaviours that he has showed, I pressed him more and then later in the evening he sent me a video of a bartender from a bar he went to with his friends that night with the bartender saying that the girl is actually a waitress at the said bar. Another alarm going off. We got into an argument at this point and I did not believe anything he says. I stopped talking to him that eveving and enjoyed my time with my friend.

The next day he sends me a long message telling me yet another story about who she was, prefacing it with "I don't know why I lied, you deserve to know the truth" and told me that he was eating at the food court and she was sitting nearby and they talked for about 15-20min and exchanged IG but nothing happened. I was proper angry at this time because I thought that he is treating me like I am stupid and was clearly lying multiple times. I broke up with him and he started to pester me with a million calls and voice notes ranging from being super angry at me and calling me crazy to telling em that he loves me and that he can't be without me.

Honestly this was torture and I was so heart broken so I reached out respectfully to the girl herself explaining who I am and what the situation is and asked her what happened between them and if he asked her out. She said something along the lines of "we didn't get that far because I was taken aback by him knocking on my window and he was pressing me to get my number, not really wanting my social media, and I guess I know why now". She was very compassionate and nice and I had no bad feelings towards her because she was in this innocently. He was the one hiding the fact that he had a GF.

I sent him screenshots of my convo with her and blocked him on everything, since again. he was lying in the last version of the story again. After a week of absolute heartbreak and suffering I called him and told him he has one more chance to tell me exactly what happened if he ever wants me to talk to him again. He at that point told me that he saw her in her car in a parking lot during the day and didn't really think twice about it and approached her and sked for her number but never had any intention of talking to her or seeing her again, he was just in a good mood and had a feeling similar to when he was single.

He promised he has never touched, kissed, had sex with, or even went on a date with another woman while he was with me and never intended to do that with her either. He says that this 15 second interaction is not worth blowing up our relationship that he thought would end up being a marriage.

I could mayyybeee recover from the interaction he had with her but it is the incessant lying and his lack of accountability that he showed in the aftermath that really make me not want to be with him anymore. He is trying to convince me to get back together with him and offering me things like all access to his phone and social media whenever I want and promising this will never happen again but I can't look at him the same way. He has instilled so much insecurity in me and I don't know if there is any way back from this.

I still love him and I am in so much pain because of this. I don't know what to do. Do you think I should get back together with him because he "technically" did not cheat (if we accept that the last version of the story is true)? Should I cut my losses here and move on? Is there any charitable way to look at the situation? I am at my wits end.

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  This is actually embarrassing to read. 

Why are you turning yourself inside out over this ridiculousness?  Seriously.  What freaking difference does it make whether she is a bartender, a promoter,  or he met her at a food court?  

You know he asked her for her number.  You know he was a player when you got together, and you are not OK with how he conducts himself on social media.

Yet you are dogging this situation, including involving the innocent woman, and for what?

Again, YOU KNOW.  So all you need to do is decide whether you are going to be happy in a relationship with a guy who is running women down in their cars to get their phone numbers, or not.

Obviously, you are not.  

So - be true to yourself.  And stop making a fool of yourself about it.  HE is the fool.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, 1puropse said:

Before we started dating my BF (M31) was the womanizer type, . . I broke up with him and he started to pester me with a million calls and voice notes ranging from being super angry at me and calling me crazy 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you know he's still a womanizer, liar and slick talker. Please don't fall for his nonsense.

Playing cat and mouse games and treating you  (and other women) like collectable toys is just who he is and you know this. 

You made the right decision the first time you ended things. Please trust your instincts. On top of running around picking up women and lying to you, he's abusive and gaslighting you. 

You've only wasted 24 weeks on this cad so please cut your losses. Reflect on why your putting up with this and why you're putting him on a pedestal.

Try to snap out of whatever Svengali-like effect he has on you for your own sanity and dignity. 

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, 1puropse said:

Do you think I should get back together with him

You would be absolutely crazy to do so. 

Where the heck is your self-worth, girl? This guy should've been tossed into the Reject Pile a while ago. 

 

 

[Dancer Candy]

Nope.  End it quickly before you get caught up even more in this nonsense.  

You can't trust him.  Do you honestly think this is the last "incident" you'll have to deal with?

[smackie9]

I just had to read the first line.....he's a cheat, a dirty dog, a scoundrel. He's gaslighting you, trying to make you think he's done nothing wrong and you are over reacting. Don't fall for this crap. Punt his a$$ to the curb. 

[catfeeder]

How bad does it need to get before you'll want to free yourself to find the kind of loving and secure relationship you desire and deserve? 

You can do pretzels with your mind 'around' the fact that you don't trust this guy, but what will that buy you beyond an insecure existence where you pretend to trust while always looking over your shoulder the minute your back is turned--or worse, watching him chase other women right in front of you.

You get to choose how you want to live. Frankly, I won't even stick around long enough to confront or seek 'proof' if I simply don't trust someone. It's not about proof, it's not about the guy, and it's not about policing another person, it's about how peacefully I want to live while keeping my door open to ONLY the kind of relationship I'm willing to have.

Think it through, and decide what's best for your future.

[HeartGoesOn]

16 hours ago, 1puropse said:

When I voiced how that makes me feel, he would get defensive and often told me that it means nothing and that I am making a big deal out of nothing.

Classic excuse.  It always "means nothing and you're making a big deal out of nothing." He needs to catch up on his lying skills, as they're too weak, outdated and an insult towards one's intelligence.

I'm not sure why you're tolerating his Bozo behaviour, yet it also begs the question, are you afraid of being alone?

In short, please try raising your value, and find your self-respect.

[The_dude]

So as much as I enjoy reading this pity party that is going on, I thought it would be useful to give the other side of the story because frankly I think this entire thing is disingenuous and very biased. Leaving a lot of very important stuff out that will turn this whole thing on his head.

 

So let's see what really happened. I was traveling for a year. I had a lot of casual relationships and through that experiences I have learned that what I really crave is a serious, committed, long-term relationship that leads to something meaningful like marriage, children and a partnership to build a life with that is what I wanted. That is what I still want.

 

I met this girl in December of last year and we had instant chemistry. We spent a lot of time together. We went on dates. We had a lot of sex and overall I really enjoyed her. Then I went to Mexico and then she came to visit me in Mexico and we had an amazing week together and that is when we fell in love and decided to make it exclusive.

 

I still had a month in Mexico so after she left I video chatted with her every single night and I called in the middle of the day and texted her throughout the day to make sure that she knows where I am, what I'm doing and that I'm not doing anything bad. 

After I came back, the first thing I did was go to her place and we proceeded to date in a very hardcore manner. When I say hardcore, I mean we spend most weeks 4-5 out of 7 days a week together, often in 24-hour cycles. During that time the following notable fights happened.

 

Fight number one. She went through my phone without my permission and saw a message that I sent to my ex that I dated in Peru over 6 months ago. The message happened while I was still in Mexico. The message was my ex saying nice things to me and I replied with thanks babe heart.. the whole thing was may e 2-3 one liners. I wasn't trying engage with her. I wasn't trying to meet. I was just being nice back.  That event caused her to initiate a full-blown breakup. I was devastated so much so then for a week I was writing her letters trying to call her and trying to explain that this meant nothing. I blocked that girl immediately to show her that it means nothing to me I send her flowers to fill her room for multiple days in a row and it all culminated with me planning a romantic getaway for us and that's what it took to recover that relationship. Did I hear 1 apology for the reaction? Did I see any sign of empathy or care for torture that I experienced in a week? An apology for violating my privacy? Nope. None. 

 

Fight number two happened a few months later where she again went through my phone while I was asleep and the only thing that she could find was a conversation I had with a dude from 3 months ago where I expressed an opinion of if women don't offer sex or family than what is the point of dating. Frankly, I stand by that statement still... if a guy invests and doesn't get intimacy nor can a girl offer him children or a partner to count on and build a life with AKA family... Then what's the point. that message was twisted as me saying that all I see women as is a hole to put my *** in and an incubator for babies. A total twist of what I meant. And a completely unfair branding of my character based on incomplete evidence to put it mildly. Not to mention the fact that this was a conversation I had with a friend about his situation that had nothing to do with us and nothing was mentioned about the violation of privacy that she exercised again. It took over 2 weeks of continuous torment of me trying to write letters to her of me trying to have long conversations with her on the phone in person and at the end of the day she decided to end the relationship over that taking absolutely no accountability for her own wrongdoing and as I was driving away and waving in goodbye she said stop come back and what did I do? I stopped. I came back and we got back together and I never once faulted her for going through my phone or for damaging a relationship with this fight that I largely consider irrational.

 

The few following months after that proceeded with us fighting about stuff that in my mind were completely unreasonable. Like me masturbating one time and not being very horny to have sex that turned in 2 week fight leading to basically break up or me liking another girl's picture on Instagram that lead to almost break up and at every point it was me apologizing, me resolving to adapt and make changes. Me taking accountability and getting literally zero from her end... How do you think that made me feel? Does anyone care? It was me trying to fix it. It was me being committed. Why did I do all this because I loved her during that time. I did nothing with anybody because as I would like to remind everyone, I was practically living with her 4-5 of 7 days a week and then the other day(6th) I work for 12 hours and she knew it.

 

I also felt continuously being spied on. I felt like I could not fall asleep without my phone being monitored. My Instagram being monitored like a hawk and every single one of my moves can constantly questioned. At that point I gave zero and I do mean zero reasons for mistrust. Yet when we go out to a restaurant and I order food I get asked " why are you flirting with a waitress" or when we are walking in public and a pretty girl walk by she asks "do you think she is hot? Be honest?, tell me, I know you do" and she just won't let go... And it's not like 1ce or twice, this *** kept going repeatedly. 

 

Then, one day I was walking in the mall and I saw pretty girl and I made a mistake. I came up. I complimented her. I asked for her number. This was the first approach I have done in close to 6 months. Maybe longer... Why did I do it? Part of it was a mini rebellion for the level of control that I felt that was under and another part of it was purely an impulsive dumb move. Did I plan to pursue this? Absolutely not. We were still living together. Practically speaking, I was still in love with her deeply and I have this inability to give up on the relationship and I really wanted to make this work. I still planned to introduce her to her family. We had plans going for the future and I still wanted to make it work no matter what. 

 

I know she doesn't believe me but it's the truth. Then within hours she calls me yelling in the phone who the f*** is. Laura and in that moment I had a decision to make. Do I go with the truth or do I lie. You can choose to believe me or not when I say that one of my core principle is honesty and I feel deeply ashamed that I violated that principal in that moment and went with the lie. It was a split second decision I had to commit to and frankly in the past when I was honest with her even when I did very little, if anything at all wrong I was still being punished for the honesty so I chose a lie and I committed to it. 

 

It was a sitty lie, poorly formulated and yes I had to change it a few times. The goal of it was to mend the situation and hopefully not break the relationship because at that point I was still 100% in. Then she went and talked to the girl and the girl told her the truth that I approach her. I got the number and then I left. The whole entire interaction was 15 seconds, nothing more. 

 

Those 15 seconds cost of me the next 4 months of continuous repentment. She said I didn't take accountability. What she left out was countless hour-long conversations over the phone. Countless letters. Me writing her a song. Me trying to plan dates for us. Me tolerating her lashing out for hours where she disrespected me over and over again and again. Yet I chose to remain loyal. I chose to persist through the pain and I still have not spoken to anybody or go on a single date or did another cold approach again for teh next 4 months(time of writing this message). Even though technically speaking, I had a moral right to do so. I chose to demonstrate that I'm not that guy that this was a mistake and I kept reiterating it over and over and over again. All that was fallen and death years. None of it was accepted and all I ever received back was hate, disrespect and more hate and more disrespect. And what did I do with all the hate and respect? I took it like a little b**** and I continued giving her gifts, planning trips, having conversations sending her notices on where I am all to get her back. Why? Because I fell in love because I wanted the future with her and I didn't gave a f*** about anybody else. 

 

Then one day she tells me that she was sitting in the cafe and some dude approached her that had a 30 minute conversation, they exchanged Instagrams and they're starting to text each other on Instagram and I cannot know who it is. I cannot see the messages and that she's not stopping. 

 

What does a person with any ounce of self-respect do in that position? Leave would be the answer. What did I do? I I continued trying by planning dates, talking to her, having sex with her, pretending it's not happening, but that that weight and shame of it kept building and building inside of me until one day It Just exploded in a giant fight where I set a bunch of mean things and then I blocked her off everything. 

 

Then we have a two week break during which I wrote a 12 page essay breaking down the relationship analyzing the mistakes writing out outcomes that could potentially lead us to getting back together. Writing out a new relationship contracts and a timeline for how relationship should develop. And this brings us to Christmas time where I brought her gifts. I came in the positive mindset and even though we're still in pain, I was hoping that the time off would have gave her some space to realize my commitment, my value, gain some perspective and deep down i was hoping she would come say "I cut the guy. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I made mistakes too. Let's find a way to make it work. Let's bury the old relationship and start a new one taking all the lessons into account. "

 

Did she do any of it. No she hasn't. She still refused to show me the guy much less cut him. She admitted that she was shady to me but her attitude was... This is toxic and it should be over... And that she kept texting the other dude and developed a connection over that. I asked her to block him, I told her it will help with my pain, she refused.

 

I had no choice but to accept that I literally move mountains and tried everything at that point. Even sacrificing my self Respect did not work... a good lesson for the future and for anybody reading. All I asked her was to at least show me the guy and after almost begging she did later on. I find out that it was a lie and she showed me a wrong guy why? so I don't  "interfere. "

 

The level of how stupid I felt how de-moralizing this whole thing is for me to try the way I did for me to invest as much as I did forher,  to stepping over all the pain that I felt for me to get even a small acknowledgment of any of it and at any point where she felt that she's at the wrong guess what she brought up. Laura, from what it is now almost 5 months ago. She is milking this event and using it to justify all the ***tiness and all the pain that she inflicted and this post that you saw here is just an extension of the problem. She painting me as some sort of a bad guy has no other purpose than to elicit a response of pity and to justify her own issues that she clearly did not acknowledge or lifted a finger to deal with.

 

The times when I empathize with her feelings and did concrete and tangible actions to rectify the situation are countless. The times when she showed me empathy care for my emotional well-being or even moved a finger to try to rectify her mistakes are none. 

 

I would urge her if she has any sense of honesty and dignity to tell me what part of the story is untrue because everything I said here is exactly what happened without any exaggeration or selection bias.

 

I hope you're all enjoyed reading this drama. That she put into public and I hope that at least some of you learned that there is always another side to every story and we shouldn't judge quickly before hearing it.