On the verge of losing everything important to me

[UnknownVariable]

I don't want the title of the topic to sound overly dramatic, but this is how the current situation feels to me.

I've been in a relationship with my partner since 2016. Although we lived a bit of distance apart, the relationship worked. At the end of 2017, my mother passed away and that left me with no family in my hometown. It seemed like a natural thing to move in together - she had a house, I had a flat, so I made the choice to uproot and move to her place. Everything went well and in 2019, two things happened - my partner found out she was pregnant with our first child. I then was diagnosed with a cardiac condition which required some surgery, but nothing that was expected to actually change life very much.

The surgery didn't go as planned and was something of a nightmare, considering that this particular procedure is completed under local anesthesia. First surgery took three hours, second surgery was over in less than an hour but I was back to square one. The experience somewhat knocked my confidence in my body to do what it was supposed to be doing and I started to withdraw from doing what could be considered normal social relationship activities. The whole Covid restrictions business didn't really help matters.

I then had surgery again in 2021. Same result - the desired outcome couldn't be achieved after five hours of surgery and I was left with half a procedure completed. Once again, this really knocked the confidence and I missed out on social and family engagements because of how it had left me feeling.

Finally, the surgery was performed again in 2022 and this time it worked, albeit there were some settling in problems with both the supporting medication and the recovery from the five hour long procedure. I was given Fentanyl and some other medication - it left me feeling how I imagine a habitual drug user might feel after trying to go cold turkey. The fallout was that it left me a shadow and a wreck of myself.

All throughout this, my partner had stood by me, trying to support me and understand why I was feeling the way I did. Even though I was now socially withdrawn, and struggling at work (and taking off more time that I wanted to which stressed me no end) and still missing out on family holidays because I felt so anxious and worried about the "What ifs?". This had caused real friction between me and my partner as she had given birth to our second child just after the turn of new year 2023. As far as she was concerned, I wasn't doing my job as a partner and all normal relationship behaviour had pretty much receded. We limped on through to April 2023 where she decided that she'd had enough and told me to move out. I spent the next month living in Travelodges before we decided to try and make things work again. I moved back in and I thought we were making good progress - I still felt the effects of the surgery and there were occasions were anxiety seemed to rule me, but I pushed through keeping in mind our family unit. This become my sole goal - to keep the family unit together and for everything to run smoothly (which came at the expense of our relationship running as normal).

To add more complications into the mix, I was still struggling at work and was concerned that excess amount of time off was going to cause me grief. Rather than taking more time off, I foolishly called into work, claiming that I needed time off for a family matter. Nothing was said at the time to me and when I returned to work a week later, I carried on as normal. Fast forward to September 2023, I felt like things were really improving in every aspect, though I thought my manager was paying a little to much attention to my work. I felt that he was really getting under my skin. I had missed a compulsory training day and realising this, I booked a slot on the next course available. He started quizzing me about if I was able to continue doing an aspect of my job and I snapped saying "Yeah, the traning dept said I could carry on". He asked this knowing the answer already but said nothing.

A couple of days later, theres a strange atmosphere at work, I getting asked to go into a side office. Next thing I know, I'm served disciplinary papers for gross misconduct and I'm put onto alternative duties at a different office location.

I tell my partner about this. Initially, she is understanding and is more concerned in making sure that everything carries on as best as possible. Sadly, she has totally withdrawn from me and there is no affection at all. We don't really talk apart from dealing with the children.

To finish this long post, we've had a particularly bad day with our eldest boy who is now 4 years old. Offhandedly, she asks me after dinner "Do you ever think we'll get back to normal?" I asked her "Do you mean as a family or me and you?" After musing for a moment, she says us. Without hesitation, I say "I know things are hard and I'm to blame for the majority of that but I do think we can improve things". Long story short, she totally disagrees and tells me that she doesn't think the relationship has a future, based on the following:

- I'm not as social as I used to be

- I've lied at work and gotten myself in trouble

- I don't do anything to make her feel special and be romantic toward her

- I have no friends or hobbies

She pretty much says that she is only tolerating me in the house because of the children but the first chance she gets, she wants me to move out.

This is where I feel everything is about to fall apart.

I face losing my job, I'm now in a relationship where I'm essentially unwanted, I can't really afford to move out as the money I did have is tied up in the house and I don't envisage that being released anytime soon. I face my two boys growing up without both parents present (which is something I didn't want to them to suffer after my own experiences).

I accept that this situation is completely of my own creation. I'm not seeking to blame anyone else. I don't really know what to do. I don't know how to move forward without things utterly falling apart.

Sorry for what seems to be a long rant.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling -is the work situation resolvable??

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, UnknownVariable said:

 she totally disagrees and tells me that she doesn't think the relationship has a future.

Sorry this is happening. Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Please ask your physicians if you are eligible for disability. Your health seems to have taken a toll on your work. 

Do you contribute financially to the household and equally participate in childcare and household responsibilities? Try to be the best dad you can be.  Please look into medical leave and disability. 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.  

Did you end up becoming addicted to your pain killers following the surgeries?  

Have you ever sought therapy to learn ways of managing your anxiety?   Or considered going on disability?   

Is there a possibility that you could make a plan for yourself to get help with your issues and deal with problems (like going to your HR department or boss and communicating about what is going on) and bring that to your partner?   

Finally - is there a possibility that part of you wants to be free of the responsibilities of being in a relationship?  

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, UnknownVariable said:

She pretty much says that she is only tolerating me in the house because of the children but the first chance she gets, she wants me to move out.

 

Ouch. 

I would move out. But since you invested money and tied it to her home, legally asked the part of her home during separation. I think you have legal rights to that since you invested in it. I am sorry it happened. But you need to take care of your life. All things you described are something that sadly happens. But can be overcomed in time. Even if you lose a job you can find other one. You can separate, find a place to live and still be both there for kids. And even health would maybe be better once you get more stable environment. But all of that needs time and you holding up. Just say to yourself that you will survive all that and move forward. Take care.

[smackie9]

Please get some counseling instead of carrying all this stress on your own....and get couples counselling.