Here I go again...(Help)..

[dudelikewhoa]

Me and my girlfriend (Me 46, her 34) have been together for nearly a year and a half.  We have had our ups and downs and some growing pains but we have been loyal and in-love on a daily basis.

We got into a squabble a day after Thanksgiving over something so trivial it is hard to recall the details.  We worked through it.  Before that we hadn't had a fight in a month and before that it had been a few months.  In between days since have been pleasant.

CONTEXT: Since the last argument, which we agreed had a constructive resolution, she has been irritable and affected by a pinched nerve.  She has been emotionally withdrawn, except she wants to talk daily as normal...and we love to game together at night.

Last night, I was supposed to go out with friends and she was all of a sudden super loving and wanting my attention.  I wound up cancelling my plans because I realized I had not yet packed for a work trip I am taking tomorrow and was overwhelmed.  When she found that out she wanted to come over after work.  Things were nice. I woke up before her and packed and showered and prepared for our day which included a store run which she wanted to join on and then our favorite annual holiday gathering this evening which we had planned in advance for before my work trip.

I fetched some coffee for her and she took a lot of time getting out of bed today.  We went for lunch and then our store errand together.  When we were leaving, she started to stress about time.  She wanted to grab some hair dye and have time to do that before the party.  It was 5pm.  She started to get very pessimistic.  I remained calm and understanding.  On the car ride home, she was getting impatient and kept repeating this as if it was an end-of-the-world scenario.  I remained calm and understanding and even offered possible solutions to the stress.  She remained pessimistic at every option I attempted to provide.  I stayed calm and listened.  Eventually after a lapse of silence, she goes on to tell me that she is frustrated because she feels her needs are put behind mine - and that she asked me to not let her sleep in and I wound up waking her up at 11am instead of 10am (I was dealing with my own morning lag).  I told her that her schedule is her own responsibility and I do not understand why she is making into my fault.  Then she tells me I am defensive and not listening  - and then loses her patience and tells me she is cancelling our plans for the party.  

Things went south.

I told her that I felt her decisions were irrational.  We had a brief bickering point and then she loses her patience and screams at the top of her lungs, coursing her voice, "STOP TALKING TO ME!"

I stop in my tracks and tell her that there is no need for that, in a relaxed manner.  She then tells me that she is over this relationship.

I tell her that I feel like she is being difficult. We argue again for a second and then stop and remain quiet.  We go back to my place, she grabs her bag and calls an Uber.  She walks to me in my room and tells me "If I am so difficult to be with - then I will do you a favor."  Then she walks out, leaving.

Fun plans cancelled.  I have to leave on a work trip for 5 days in the AM.

She has since texted me.  It was another back and fourth, telling me she is over it.

Mind you, I have been the best partner I have been able to be.  I will admit I am not perfect.  I can be reactive to criticism and can shut down when the going gets tough.  I am working through those short-comings in therapy.  She has expressed pride in me for doing so.

This woman has verbally expressed her undying love for me on a daily basis.  There isn't some hidden, abusive subtext.  Just some minor issues navigating through conflicts when they arise.

She goes on to utterly berate and annihilate me in text.  Not the standard: "We need to talk this is not working out".  Just a verbal unleash.  Cruel at times.

I told her that she made up her mind and that I respect her wishes but to please stop texting and berating me and that she is rubbing salt in the wounds.  So, she doubles down and says really hateful things to me that I am too exhausted to even repeat.

I am no stranger to break-ups being 46 and have been in a handful of long-terms in my life.  I've had mutual break-ups, sudden break-ups that result in time apart then healthy friendships, I've been cheated on...but I have never had a 180 from a otherwise sweet and loving woman - and then turns on me like she despises me in a heartbeat.  It genuinely feels mentally unsound to me.

She continued to blow up my texts,  saying unforgivable things long after I had stopped responding, telling me that I was playing a victim for telling her she is being hurtful and told me to "grow a pair".  For clarity, I am no pushover - but I have boundaries for this sort of temper-tantrum behavior.  

Has anyone else ever experienced a mean and aggressive blindsiding scenario like this?

I feel shocked, hurt and more lost from a "breakup" (Is it??! Confusion) than I have ever felt.  Why won't she stop berating me?  I have never done such a thing to her. 😞

EDIT: Also, I have to add that she won't explicitly say the words "I am breaking up with you" or anything of the like to be clear that it is her actual decision.  Like...making it real.  She just wanted to verbally smash me apart.  I don't even know how to process.

 

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Why won't she stop berating me?

Because it appear she does have an abusive streak after all. 

Stay broken up. Block her if she keeps up the abusive behaviour. She showed you what she is really made of, and it's gross. 

34 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I have never done such a thing to her.

Nasty people don't care if you treat them well. That's not what it's about. They don't operate from the "do unto others"-mindset. They lash out and try to take down anyone around them.This woman has issues and she is not a suitable candidate for a relationship.  

37 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

She started to get very pessimistic.  I remained calm and understanding.  Om the car ride home, she was getting impatient and kept repeating this as if it was an end-of-the-world scenario.  I remained calm and understanding and even offered possible solutions to the stress.  She remained pessimistic at every option I attempted to provide.  I stayed calm and listened. 

This sounds like you are dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum rather than a grown adult, OP. You shouldn't need to "remain calm and understanding" and "offer solutions" to a pretty simple situation, because it shouldn't be causing this much of a problem to begin with. 

Rather than enable and pander, avoid adults who make mountains out of molehills. 

[dudelikewhoa]

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because it appear she does have an abusive streak after all. 

Stay broken up. Block her if she keeps up the abusive behaviour. She showed you what she is really made of, and it's gross. 

Nasty people don't care if you treat them well. That's not what it's about. They don't operate from the "do unto others"-mindset. They lash out and try to take down anyone around them.This woman has issues and she is not a suitable candidate for a relationship.  

This sounds like you are dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum rather than a grown adult, OP. You shouldn't need to "remain calm and understanding" and "offer solutions" to a pretty simple situation, because it shouldn't be causing this much of a problem to begin with. 

Rather than enable and pander, avoid adults who make mountains out of molehills. 

Thank you for the words and support.  I'm feeling so lost and hurt over this one.  I know that is such a common cliche blah blah blah...but this feels a bit extra stabby (more than any cheating ex).  Historically, she can sometimes be verbally fiery when a conflict gets challenging and has admitted to some 'cut-to-the-bone' style comments from time to time.  For someone who pushes others to get therapy for shortcomings, she seems to want to ignore some bad defense mechanisms she has. Aside from that, I really need to exclaim that 95% of the time she is a sweet, loving, calm, understanding person and is so well loved in our community of friends.  I truly adore this person and I truly feel like she was traumatized in some bad past relationships and now she is always on guard with her fists up.  The problem is, I am normally a pretty easy to get-along-with person and do my best to take care of her in a respectful (non-pampering) manner. So, I think this relationship has made her feel like "What's the catch?!"

I often think she sort of suffers from that quote: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" - meaning - not to overthink or try to make something absolutely perfect, which might prevent you from accepting or appreciating something that is already good enough. Emphasizing the importance of finding a balance between striving for excellence and recognizing and appreciating what is achievable and satisfactory in a given situation. 

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I truly adore this person and I truly feel like she was traumatized in some bad past relationships and now she is always on guard with her fists up. 

So? 

Why she behaves like a jerk isn't that relevant. She is old enough to control herself, and I am going to guess she doesn't act this with most people when it would be considered completely inappropriate (ex. at work) 

Don't make excuses for her. She knows better. She is choosing to treat you like crap and choosing to be verbally abusive. Don't forget that. 

EDIT: I just checked your history and remember you now. Your other thread about her is mental. You should have dumped her by now. Where are you standards, man?  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, dudelikewhoa said:

There isn't some hidden, abusive subtext.

Nope, not true. 

Go back and re-read your own thread from August. You are in denial. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

, she grabs her bag and calls an Uber.  She walks to me in my room and tells me "If I am so difficult to be with - then I will do you a favor."  Then she walks out, leaving.

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of turbulence. You depict her as almost a psycho, but it takes two to continue this. You claim you're calm and composed and she's "fiery". 

Every month or so there's a knock down drag out fight. Again...takes two for this. Try to deescalate rather than patronize. Perhaps ask in therapy about better conflict resolution rather than how she can change. Is this the same woman?:

 

[BobPlant]

Sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder. When you first meet them it’s like winning the jackpot with your first coin and the rush is amazing. Then you’ll keep putting coins in for the rest of the relationship and never get a return. Then they hate you out of nowhere. 
Been there. 
No matter what you decide you should work on yourself first. Best outcome in any scenario.,

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So? 

Why she behaves like a jerk isn't that relevant. She is old enough to control herself, and I am going to guess she doesn't act this with most people when it would be considered completely inappropriate (ex. at work) 

Don't make excuses for her. She knows better. She is choosing to treat you like crap and choosing to be verbally abusive. Don't forget that. 

EDIT: I just checked your history and remember you now. Your other thread about her is mental. You should have dumped her by now. Where are you standards, man?  

Yes - she's not a person you're analyzing from a professional standpoint -you simply are not being treated respectfully (for example -in response to you trying to offer solutions to her World is Gonna End scenario -she could have said "I appreciate you're trying to help but I'm just venting and sorry!) 

Also does the Community of Friends have to wake her up at a particular time and if not bear the tantrums? If not then they don't really know what she is like from inside a romantic relationship.  Yesterday my 14 year old flooded the bathroom right before we had to leave for his haircut because he was "distracted" and then didn't act in a genuinely sorry way.  Then, he did and he told me - you're right I wasn't apologetic at first. I'm really sorry."  A 14 year old boy knows better.  She doesn't.  If you take her back be prepared to have to parent her and placate her so she can rant/rave with no apologies.  

[dudelikewhoa]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of turbulence. You depict her as almost a psycho, but it takes two to continue this. You claim you're calm and composed and she's "fiery". 

Every month or so there's a knock down drag out fight. Again...takes two for this. Try to deescalate rather than patronize. Perhaps ask in therapy about better conflict resolution rather than how she can change. Is this the same woman?:

 

I don't intend on depicting her as "psycho".  On a standard basis, she is not at all - but if she loses her patience for a challenging situation...she can easily wreak havoc on me verbally and have to reckon with the destruction she may have caused as if she is the Incredible Hulk.  She says very damning and hurtful things and then later is like "Look, I am sorry but..."

I do not claim that I am always calm and composed.  I am not perfect.  I have definitely been reactive or defensive to her getting frustrated on me in the past and it has not resulted in good conflict resolution.  It is why I have been taking the initiative in therapy to be a better listener.  I was, however, calm in this current scenario and she had a complete meltdown.  In this scenario, it was like she had a hair trigger and just unloaded.  All I did was defend myself for her trying to make her time management my fault.  It was unacceptably unfair.  When I defended myself - she accused me of not listening and lost her temper.

And to clarify, this is not a knock down drag out fight every month, we had a normal fight the last two months.  We haven't had, what one would call a more heated fight, in many months.

Regardless, I hear you.  Yes, it is the same woman.

 

[dudelikewhoa]

2 hours ago, BobPlant said:

Sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder. When you first meet them it’s like winning the jackpot with your first coin and the rush is amazing. Then you’ll keep putting coins in for the rest of the relationship and never get a return. Then they hate you out of nowhere. 
Been there. 
No matter what you decide you should work on yourself first. Best outcome in any scenario.,

Thank you.  The coin analogy is very helpful.  I would never want to diagnose.  My mother has shades of borderline personality disorder so I know what it is like.  She isn't that extreme.  However, she does feel hard to please at times.  She tends to be going through some form of mild crisis weekly whether it is about work, not feeling well, not sleeping well, a back issue, a headache issue, or in this case...dissatisfied in how something is flowing between her and I.  

The hate you out of nowhere thing is disturbing.  She has made jabs at me in the past during arguments, but they were never on the level of what she said to me yesterday.  I am still in shock.  

[dudelikewhoa]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - she's not a person you're analyzing from a professional standpoint -you simply are not being treated respectfully (for example -in response to you trying to offer solutions to her World is Gonna End scenario -she could have said "I appreciate you're trying to help but I'm just venting and sorry!) 

Also does the Community of Friends have to wake her up at a particular time and if not bear the tantrums? If not then they don't really know what she is like from inside a romantic relationship.  Yesterday my 14 year old flooded the bathroom right before we had to leave for his haircut because he was "distracted" and then didn't act in a genuinely sorry way.  Then, he did and he told me - you're right I wasn't apologetic at first. I'm really sorry."  A 14 year old boy knows better.  She doesn't.  If you take her back be prepared to have to parent her and placate her so she can rant/rave with no apologies.  

Thank you for this and sorry about the flood!  That was a very good example to make in this case.  The 'behind closed doors relationship' comment was spot on as well.  There were times when she was texting me last night that were just so angry and basically rewriting the narrative of our relationship -- as if it was so awful for her to deal with...and I had to be like: "I am shocked and sorry that you feel that way.  You have only showcased to me that it was the complete opposite of that behind our closed doors.  We were both there.  I think you know that."  Meaning, things are normally very tender, caring and sweet between us when there is not some sort of 'crisis' with her.

[MissCanuck]

Hopefully you now realize this relationship was no longer functional and you leave her in your past. 

There is no happy future with a person like this. It's time to move on for good. 

[dudelikewhoa]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So? 

Why she behaves like a jerk isn't that relevant. She is old enough to control herself, and I am going to guess she doesn't act this with most people when it would be considered completely inappropriate (ex. at work) 

Don't make excuses for her. She knows better. She is choosing to treat you like crap and choosing to be verbally abusive. Don't forget that. 

EDIT: I just checked your history and remember you now. Your other thread about her is mental. You should have dumped her by now. Where are you standards, man?  

Yeah, you are not wrong.  Only I see this side of her, for sure.  Not even her family gets this side.  And then, I am sure she vents to them a more one-sided account of things when this happens.  I dont mean to make excuses.  Last night was shocking and on a new level of cut to the bone angry.  And then a total disconnect.  She went from a narrative of love yesterday to easily saying 'I regret ever being with you".  She has never ever went there like that.  I am heartbroken and jaw dropped.

[dudelikewhoa]

Also, I feel like I need to express that whenever I tell her that her harsh reactions are inappropriate and how I do not deserve it...she accuses me of victimizing myself.  I think there is a difference between victimization and general defense when someone is being cruel or projecting on to you.

She accuses me of "constantly pushing" because why?  I don't lie down and let her tear me apart when she is frustrated?  Sticking up for myself and having self-respect when someone is sloppily tearing your character apart is "pushing"?

She told me: "You’re like a child poking a stick at something then crying about it when something gets upset."

Why?  For not letting someone trample me?  Am I in the wrong for this?  I genuinely want to know if defending yourself when someone is blame-shifting on you or criticizing you in a non-constructive manner is bad.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Thank you for this and sorry about the flood!  That was a very good example to make in this case.  The 'behind closed doors relationship' comment was spot on as well.  There were times when she was texting me last night that were just so angry and basically rewriting the narrative of our relationship -- as if it was so awful for her to deal with...and I had to be like: "I am shocked and sorry that you feel that way.  You have only showcased to me that it was the complete opposite of that behind our closed doors.  We were both there.  I think you know that."  Meaning, things are normally very tender, caring and sweet between us when there is not some sort of 'crisis' with her.

Right so for her it's all a crisis.  I used to be more like that but I am really inspired by my Type B husband (although he is too laid back sometimes but was appropriately alarmed via email about the flood - despite being in another country on business of course) - your partner is not inspired to change and your "better listening" actually is enabling.  I work very hard on "prioritizing my panic" meaning if I feel like it's a crisis -but it's really not -I make a little list of what I need to get done and when and what the level of importance is -the act of logically categorizing it in this way grounds me. 

But I do that for me AND for my partner -my partner and son deserve a relatively calm household when possible.  I feel it's my obligation and responsibility - does your partner feel that way? No it sounds like she doesn't- she wants to let loose whenever it strikes her and your needs or the need for a peaceful home be damned. 

It's like a young child who behaves all day in kindergarten and comes home and lets it all out to his parent because it's a safe space.  But as we grow up we realize if we feel that way we're obligated either to take care of it ourselves - scrub a floor, take a shower, power walk whatever - or to communicate to our partner "work was so stressful today and I feel so drained" and then do something - so that your partner is not overly burdened - I mean sure we all need to vent/let loose with our partner at some points but it's a matter of balance. 

This is completely imbalanced -you're trying to be a better listener - for her tantrums?? Just think of it that way. 

I hope it helps. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

 I wound up waking her up at 11am instead of 10am .  I told her that her schedule is her own responsibility and I do not understand why she is making into my fault.  Then she tells me I am defensive and not listening  - and then loses her patience and tells me she is cancelling our plans for the party.  

Agree shouldn't have to be her alarm clock. However she did ask you and you got defensive.  You stated you don't have a lot of knock down drag out arguments, but in the linked thread she was so furious about the last blowout, she cancelled a trip and refunded your money.  Perhaps you both thrive on the drama? 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Also, I feel like I need to express that whenever I tell her that her harsh reactions are inappropriate and how I do not deserve it...she accuses me of victimizing myself.  I think there is a difference between victimization and general defense when someone is being cruel or projecting on to you.

She accuses me of "constantly pushing" because why?  I don't lie down and let her tear me apart when she is frustrated?  Sticking up for myself and having self-respect when someone is sloppily tearing your character apart is "pushing"?

She told me: "You’re like a child poking a stick at something then crying about it when something gets upset."

Why?  For not letting someone trample me?  Am I in the wrong for this?  I genuinely want to know if defending yourself when someone is blame-shifting on you or criticizing you in a non-constructive manner is bad.

Use I statements. I feel frustrated when you take out your stress on me.  I feel sad when you blame me for not waking you up on time when you can set an alarm. etc.

[dudelikewhoa]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree shouldn't have to be her alarm clock. However she did ask you and you got defensive.  You stated you don't have a lot of knock down drag out arguments, but in the linked thread she was so furious about the last blowout, she cancelled a trip and refunded your money.  Perhaps you both thrive on the drama? 

I think there must be a misunderstanding.  I did not get defensive about her asking me to wake her up.  That was the night prior.  I said I will do my best.  I woke up and had to focus on packing my things and taking my own morning shower etc.  I woke her up as soon as I was finished, which was about an hour past our planned schedule.  Then I went and walked to get her coffee and she took her sweet time getting out of bed.  She was just on her phone and complaining that her neck was hurting, having a long winded chat with her brother and was generally being very irritable when I was trying to be sweet and ask her if she needed anything.  That is why the day ran late.

She then later, tried to make it my fault.  When I called her out for that, she back peddled and told me I was a bad listener and shifted the conflict to something else.  Before her doing that, I remained calm and listened to her while she was progressively huffing and puffing and getting bothered because she felt like she did not have time to dye her hair before the holiday party, despite us not having to be there for hours.

Honestly, I feel like this was possible sabotage - or perhaps a subconscious sabotage.  I feel as if she did not want me to go this party with her in the first place and was "looking for a reason".  

I know it is easy to see that I would thrive on drama because I have come to this forum for help in the past, but I do not thrive on it.  I dream of a day that drama is minimized to situational and manageable events.  Not blown up like this.  I try my best to keep the peace.  

Those scenarios I posted about here were months and months ago.  It's not a constant occurrence.

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I dream of a day that drama is minimized to situational and manageable events.

Then you need to pay more attention to the red flags when you see them. 

You have seen erratic, abusive and irrational behaviour from her before. It's not the first time, as clearly evidenced by your other thread. 

You want less drama? Then learn to let go of a dysfunctional person when the dysfucntion first punches you in the face. Don't wait for a repeat performance where it hurts even more. 

[dudelikewhoa]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so for her it's all a crisis.  I used to be more like that but I am really inspired by my Type B husband (although he is too laid back sometimes but was appropriately alarmed via email about the flood - despite being in another country on business of course) - your partner is not inspired to change and your "better listening" actually is enabling.  I work very hard on "prioritizing my panic" meaning if I feel like it's a crisis -but it's really not -I make a little list of what I need to get done and when and what the level of importance is -the act of logically categorizing it in this way grounds me. 

But I do that for me AND for my partner -my partner and son deserve a relatively calm household when possible.  I feel it's my obligation and responsibility - does your partner feel that way? No it sounds like she doesn't- she wants to let loose whenever it strikes her and your needs or the need for a peaceful home be damned. 

It's like a young child who behaves all day in kindergarten and comes home and lets it all out to his parent because it's a safe space.  But as we grow up we realize if we feel that way we're obligated either to take care of it ourselves - scrub a floor, take a shower, power walk whatever - or to communicate to our partner "work was so stressful today and I feel so drained" and then do something - so that your partner is not overly burdened - I mean sure we all need to vent/let loose with our partner at some points but it's a matter of balance. 

This is completely imbalanced -you're trying to be a better listener - for her tantrums?? Just think of it that way. 

I hope it helps. 

Thank you again.  I find the analogies and comparisons to be very helpful.

I want to be clear, I know I am not always perfect.  I know I can be a pain in the butt at times.  She is making it out like I have been the world's worst partner for what?  Interjecting in conversations or not letting her trample me with dark criticism?  I try my very best and I am always there for her, night and day.  Im not cruel.  I am loyal.  I don't deserve this.  I truly think she is working through past relationship traumas and has disruptive trigger points that amplify conflict tothe red zone when it does not even need to be at that level.  

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

That was the night prior.  I said I will do my best.  I woke up and had to focus on packing my things and taking my own morning shower etc.  I woke her up as soon as I was finished, which was about an hour past our planned schedule. 

Perhaps did you "focus" on packing because you really didn't feel like kowtowing to her high maintenance crap? I'm sure if you take work trips etc you're very good at multitasking and remembering what's on your to do list.  I think part of the problem here is you say yes or "I'll do my best" when you really would prefer to say "no - set your alarm I already have enough on my list"

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Thank you again.  I find the analogies and comparisons to be very helpful.

I want to be clear, I know I am not always perfect.  I know I can be a pain in the butt at times.  She is making it out like I have been the world's worst partner for what?  Interjecting in conversations or not letting her trample me with dark criticism?  I try my very best and I am always there for her, night and day.  Im not cruel.  I am loyal.  I don't deserve this.  I truly think she is working through past relationship traumas and has disruptive trigger points that amplify conflict tothe red zone when it does not even need to be at that level.  

Why are you bringing up "perfect?" That's not the appropriate standard is it? Why are you there for her night and day? Again who cares about "past trauma" and "disruptive trigger points" unless you are writing a thesis for your Phd in psychology?  Cut to the basic stuff.  It's why I gave a kindergarten example. Here's my diagnosis.  She doesn't play nicely in the sandbox.  Here's my solution.  Gather up your toys and bid her a good day and go play somewhere else.

[dudelikewhoa]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Perhaps did you "focus" on packing because you really didn't feel like kowtowing to her high maintenance crap? I'm sure if you take work trips etc you're very good at multitasking and remembering what's on your to do list.  I think part of the problem here is you say yes or "I'll do my best" when you really would prefer to say "no - set your alarm I already have enough on my list"

Haha I am a work in progress with multitasking if I am being honest with myself!  But I hear your point.  You are not wrong.  I should empower myself to say "no" more often.  She asked me nicely to wake her up.  The classic - "Babe, please make sure I don't sleep in" thing.  But that is not my responsibility at the end of the day.  

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Haha I am a work in progress with multitasking if I am being honest with myself!  But I hear your point.  You are not wrong.  I should empower myself to say "no" more often.  She asked me nicely to wake her up.  The classic - "Babe, please make sure I don't sleep in" thing.  But that is not my responsibility at the end of the day.  

It's not but you have to communicate that to her in a firm pleasant way.

My husband offers to drive our son to the bus stop once in awhile.  Which means he has to get up about 3 hours earlier than normal for him.  I ask him if he's going to set his alarm.  He says yes.  But I also know he hits snooze etc and the bus will leave at X time if they're not there. I resent having to wake him since I am also getting my son and all his stuff ready on a short time schedule.  I weigh the nice offer to drive him against my resentment.  So sometimes I tell him "I can't wake you while I'm also running around getting all the things done to get our son out the door".  Sometimes I'm ok with it.  I tell him though -I make it clear and direct.  Rather than nag him after or vent "you said you would drive but then almost had him miss the bus!"

[dudelikewhoa]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you bringing up "perfect?" That's not the appropriate standard is it? Why are you there for her night and day? Again who cares about "past trauma" and "disruptive trigger points" unless you are writing a thesis for your Phd in psychology?  Cut to the basic stuff.  It's why I gave a kindergarten example. Here's my diagnosis.  She doesn't play nicely in the sandbox.  Here's my solution.  Gather up your toys and bid her a good day and go play somewhere else.

Yeah, again - you are not wrong. When I say I was there for her "night and day" - I just mean I am present.  I am there for her when she needs me.  Which is - a lot.  I hate sounding cruel, because despite it all, I still can't turn off of being in love overnight...but she is very needy and has problems managing her own expectations.  Ugh.  This all is a huge let down.  I feel like I have worked so hard at this relationship - and for what?  A brutal Jekyll & Hyde-level assassination?

I'm too old for this type of stress.