Why is a healthy relationship SO triggering?

[ilovecats666]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

John Gray discusses this in his Mars/Venus series of books, articles and videos. 

As humans beings we tend to suppress painful emotions and trauma, bury them deep within which allows us to carry on in life. 

When we meet that special someone and bond and with whom we feel safe emotionally, all those painful emotions and trauma we've been suppressing begin to rise to the surface, we feel safe enough emotionally to sort of unload our painful past trauma on to our new "stable" partner after which it all gets released into the Universe. 

This has happened to me more than once, which also confused me but now I understand it.

You're not crazy and you don’t have "issues" other than the past trauma you've been suppressing up till now since you met someone with whom you feel 'safe.'

It's all part of the healing process.  Be patient with yourself it may take time, but eventually all the trauma from your past will rise up to the surface and get released and you can move forward with your new partner!

 

 

I may look those up. I enjoy new reads on the topic.

And very much so. I'm very grateful for him and his stability. And don't want to OVER do it.

Its just hard to address surfacing trauma in a way I haven't had the chance to before. 

[ilovecats666]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering.  

In my past sketchy relationship history,  I was in unhealthy ones.  I was part of the unhealthiness - but still I was very triggered by all of the crap.  

When those days were behind me I was not "triggered" just from being in a healthy relationship, not at all.  In fact, being "triggered" is not something that happens to me much anymore because I understand myself and I am not very reactive even to painful things.  It's possible to just go through the feelings.

So ... what you are experiencing, IMO, may not be "triggered due to healthy relationship."

I'd say it's more that I'm in a safe space now that's allowing trauma to surface how it hasn't been allowed to before. 

[ilovecats666]

6 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Now you see, THIS is the part that I don't get, lol.  Safe place is supposed to be easy, calming, contentment, soothing, etc,  "Safe place" and "hard" just don't work together in my pea brain, lol.

Hahahah idk. Trauma brain is weird 

[Capricorn3]

Just now, ilovecats666 said:

Hahahah idk. Trauma brain is weird 

I wish you all the best and a peaceful and happy relationship. 🙂

[ilovecats666]

55 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I wish you all the best and a peaceful and happy relationship. 🙂

Thank you! I am definitely getting there 

[ilovecats666]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because it's healthy on paper -maybe- but not healthy for you -not compatible with you.  Many people choose to communicate as you put it - they express themselves appropriately and may even be comfortable expressing vulnerability.  Here's my guess- that kills the thrill of the chase for you -and it could be his "choice to communicate" is a bit much -perhaps he overshares, perhaps it comes across as needy or overwhelming or "too nice."  But for you it means you don't have to wonder how he feels, if he feels, if he wants to see you - he does, he tells you, no keeping you guessing.  You get excited from not knowing where you stand, will he call, does he want me, why is he on social media but he didn't text all day, etc.  

I wouldn't assume he is emotionally healthy -he might be - but choosing to communicate doesn't mean you're doing it in a way that works for the other person.  So there is emotionally healthy but not compatible for you - in a romantic context -there is "oh wow he is so expressive" but really he is a people pleaser which might not work for you, etc.  

I actually like that my husband is more introverted, I like that he doesn't overshare even though it means I sometimes have to drag it out of him or wait it out.  I like that he keeps me on my toes by challenging me, disagreeing with me, etc.  He is a very stable person who "chooses to communicate" differently than me -I tend to the more chatty/extroverted. He can have an hour conversation with a good friend and he didn't think to ask about how the person's kids are or how their recent move went or something I definitely would have asked and he'll say "you're right I forgot to ask that!" But his close friends are so bonded with him - both directions.  Some of his friends - been a 40 plus year friendship.  They just "choose to communicate differently."

I am assuming you mean he freely expresses his emotions.  You always know where you stand.  He is reliable.  So it could be - yes you're used to unavailable men -they seem sexier and more exciting to you - or it could be you're getting a whiff of him tending to the more needy/gushy/overwhelming and choosing to communicate from a position of insecurity instead of reasonable confidence (not arrogance).

Been there done that.  I had to get over that which is why I share it here.  I also loved the sort of distant/cold/somewhat unavailable type -it seemed masculine and exciting and meant I never really had to commit and I confused that type of thrill for lasting click/chemistry/excitement albeit quieter excitement.

Doesn't need to be "past trauma" either -simply could be this doesn't float your boat.  At this point.

I DO believe we are compatible and I don't mean to make it seem like I am complaining about him. He's great. Just the relationship being a safe space has allowed more trauma to surface than I was expecting.

Plus I'm having to learn that a little boring is GOOD. And that constant "excitement " is tumultuous 

[ilovecats666]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Why type of things are surfacing? Are you still concerned about your family and their reactions?  Perhaps you're just nervous about dating and anxious about your family? Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it's that same guy.

And yes I still have some of those same anxieties, but its a little more than that. It's basically my entire history of relationship trauma surfacing BECAUSE he is safe to discuss and confront issues with. I'm very happy with him. I'm just alarmed at the amount I've repressed over the years. 

[ilovecats666]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oh that is easy. You were "first in village" but now you are "one of the last in town". Means that you are in a very different league now. Where you are not on a level that you can handle a healthy relationship. 

Its not so bad position to be with. As long as you are willing to work to get on the right level of emotional stability to handle and accept a healthy relationship.

Very much so. 

Its WILDLY different. In a much better way, but different none the less. 

I'm absolutely working on it. I have a long time therapist that is helping me. And I'm very careful to not lash out at him. And to own it when I am out of line 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

I think it more just shines a light on everything I have to work on in a way that toxic relationships never did. And it's good, I'm not trying to complain about it. But it's hard in a whole new way.

Then it's not healthy if you have to "work" not to be triggered.  Feeling safe is part of a healthy relationship but doesn't mean you're into him enough for a romantic relationship.  What's hard about being around him in particular -when you use these generic terms like communication what do you mean exactly -what does he express that you consider healthy communication? Or is it just by way of comparison with the bad boys you dated in the past?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ilovecats666 said:

I DO believe we are compatible and I don't mean to make it seem like I am complaining about him. He's great. Just the relationship being a safe space has allowed more trauma to surface than I was expecting.

Plus I'm having to learn that a little boring is GOOD. And that constant "excitement " is tumultuous 

What's great about him? Are you bored? What is exciting to you? See my first post.  I agree you don't need some sort of thrilling heightened excitement all the time but the answer isn't settling for "a little boring" and forcing yourself to learn that boring is good.  Forcing isn't healthy.  You're bored.  Feelings are valid.  Different people find different things interesting.  There are people who would find my life incredibly boring.  I sometimes do.  I have ebbs and flows in my marriage. I'm good with it. 

I don't have to force myself to learn to be good with it. Partly because I know our foundation is chemistry, passion, love, commitment.  My husband is a really interesting and inspiring person and our excitement in reconnecting was amazing and over the years our excitement at being together is quieter and sometimes not there at all -if I feel meh - I'm not forcing myself to learn to accept "meh" - I don't have to rationalize- I feel cool with it, I can revive the spark that is there even if it's under all our to do lists and parenting routines and challenges. 

But the first time we were together I was kinda bored.  As I panicked myself with core shaking doubts and told myself he is so Great and Good and how safe I feel I tried to force myself to rationalize to settle for this Great Guy on Paper.  Years later after we both changed and grew and reconnected -no having to force this.  At all.  We're married almost 15 years.  Yes we work at it - I work really hard.  But I don't work hard to force myself to learn that boring is good.  Tried that - and ended up with a cancelled wedding.  Wish I'd ended it sooner back then given the consequences.  Learning is awesome in a relationship -not the kind you describe IMHO.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/14/2023 at 8:01 PM, ilovecats666 said:

. But as LDRs are, it's lonely. And I think a thing that I have a hard time with, is that he isn't a big texter. . But a little more would make me feel more attended to and a little more relaxed . I'm more concerned how I say it because when I'm feeling lonely/mildly rejected I tend to come off a little meaner than I intend to. 

Unfortunately it seems like this is what's "triggering" you, not the fact that you feel it's "healthy". You only dated 2 months before he left for an indefinite period and it's been long distance most of the time.

There seems to be anxiety about texting, communication, your conservative parents eventually meeting because he's not from their background, etc.

So yes there seems to be a lot of anxiety being "triggered" but not necessarily because the relationship is "healthy", but because it's relatively new, long distance and fraught with loneliness and uncertainty.. 

[Jaunty]

x

 

[Jaunty]

OK, I think I get it better now.  You seemed familiar so I looked at your past threads.   

I disagree that you are "triggered" by a "healthy relationship" or "safe space."

You're in a state of anxiety much of the time because you want more texting / constant contact in your LDR.

I suspect that your former relationships were very enmeshed where nobody had any privacy, there was jealousy and drama, and that comes with no boundaries and people being into each other's business at all times.

This relationship you are having now is not healthy or a "safe space" for YOU because you either not ready for it, or not cut out for it, or both.

His boundaries are anxiety provoking for you because you crave enmeshment, and it sounds like you do things to provoke him.  You've talked about "going off the rails" or trying not to "lash out."  

Relationships with anybody going off rails or lashing out are not healthy relationships.

"Healthy" in this case would be if you were as involved in your own day to day things as he is, and therefore not getting all ramped up because you want more texting throughout days.  This is not where you're at.  So this is not a well functioning healthy relationship.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

Why is a healthy relationship SO triggering?

Perhaps the wording is confusing. You seem to be in an anxiety provoking distance relationship with a lot of uncertainty and communication issues. 

"Trigger" is a term used in reference to PTSD. For example a combat veteran has a terrifying visceral response to benign stimuli such as fireworks that evokes the traumatizing event.

What you seem to be describing is understandable anxiety in a new and uncertain distance relationship with many issues such as potential family disapproval, loneliness, frustration and many other anxiety-provoking issues. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Safe place" and "hard" just don't work together in my pea brain, lol.

If one has been suppressing trauma and painful emotions, the safe space (i.e. stable supportive understanding partner) allows them to feel "safe" enough to finally deal with that pain (rise to the surface) in order to be released. 

Suppressing painful emotions, burying them deep within, isn't healthy and can really screw a person up.  BTDT.

It's similar to what psychotherapists do but on a MUCH smaller scale, for obvious reasons -  your boyfriend or girlfriend is not a trained therapist. 

They're simply someone who is emotionally stable, understanding and who cares which makes you feel safe opening up to them.

It's hard because you're finally dealing with the trauma and pain you've been suppressing and thats scary!.

If one has never experienced trauma and suppressed/buried it, then they night have a difficult time understanding this.

But I have so it makes perfect sense to me.

Good luck @ilovecats666!! 😀

P.S: I think the word "triggering" may have been a poor choice of word and confusing.  But because I've been where you are OP, I understood what you meant and can empathize.

I haven't read your previous threads and responding based only on this one.

[rainbowsandroses]

@ilovecats666reading the other responses I think it can be difficult and confusing sometimes transitioning from "toxic" relationships and that type of dynamic to more "calming and stable", which sounds like you have now. 

It's a process and your emotions will fluctuate from happiness, calmness and feeling safe, to feeling bored, anxious and restless sometimes too. 

It's all part of the process and journey of going from toxic to stable.

Again, hang in!  And don't try to analyze it too much.  

Try to enjoy the process, the journey; you're learning what "healthy" looks like, don't fight it or push it away.

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

t's a process and your emotions will fluctuate from happiness, calmness and feeling safe, to feeling bored, anxious and restless sometimes too. 

It's all part of the process and journey of going from toxic to stable.

Again, hang in!  And don't try to analyze it too much.  

I agree and to me it's unfair if it gets to a point where this Great Guy is being subjected to this "process" - for example if she starts acting distant because she's a little bored or because she's having doubts, or in her personal learning to be happy with stable thing - starts acting in flaky ways.  This is her stuff, her thing - so it would be great if she deals with it on her own and/or with a therapist etc but he shouldn't be burdened with her highs and lows or the negative aspects of her process.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Relationships with anybody going off rails or lashing out are not healthy relationships.

Two things can be concluded from this (well, more than two but I'll just address these two): he'll either get tired of you lashing out and/or going off the rails and leave, or he may enjoy feeling superior to you so he actually likes it when you lash out. He also may secretly be into "drama" relationships and gets that with you.

Any emotionally healthy person would not tolerate regular lashing out or their partner going off the rails. 

Also, could your lashing out be an attempt to recreate the toxicity and drama you're used to? Perhaps you equate toxicity or extreme jealousy and control with "love" or excitement. You mentioned "boring", so maybe you still crave the highs and lows of your previous relationships.

Maybe some things to discuss with your therapist.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If one has been suppressing trauma and painful emotions, the safe space (i.e. stable supportive understanding partner) allows them to feel "safe" enough to finally deal with that pain (rise to the surface) in order to be released. 

Suppressing painful emotions, burying them deep within, isn't healthy and can really screw a person up.  BTDT.

It's similar to what psychotherapists do but on a MUCH smaller scale, for obvious reasons -  your boyfriend or girlfriend is not a trained therapist. 

I disagree that a boyfriend or girlfriend is an appropriate person to be on the receiving end of any releasing of pain and negative emotions, or other things "similar to what psychotherapists do."   I especially see it as destructive and toxic when a person is trying to get their boyfriend / girlfriend to assuage an anxiety spiral by "acting out."   

In this case, it's an LDR and a fairly new relationship.  The OP wants more attention.

Expressing difficult emotional topics or relationship issues is a lot different than laying one's anxieties, fears, insecurities on their partner and relying upon that person to adjust their behavior to soothe them.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and to me it's unfair if it gets to a point where this Great Guy is being subjected to this "process" - for example if she starts acting distant because she's a little bored or because she's having doubts, or in her personal learning to be happy with stable thing - starts acting in flaky ways.  This is her stuff, her thing - so it would be great if she deals with it on her own and/or with a therapist etc but he shouldn't be burdened with her highs and lows or the negative aspects of her process.

Of course and posted earlier. 

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree.  As the painful emotions and trauma rise up, it's best to sort it all out with a qualified therapist.

However and what's happened to me, is that my partner has encouraged me to open up, HE wants to help me sort it out. 

THAT is actually when the painful emotions really have a chance to rise up given your new partner is so patient and understanding.

In my experience it's also been good and healthy to talk with my partner, to provide them with understanding.  It's how you build emotional intimacy together. 

NOT ad nauseum or in a  burdensome way, that's why you're in therapy, so you DON'T burden your partner.

You're simply letting them "in" and being open.  And providing them with understanding into who you are and what your experiences have been. 

I cannot imagine having a relationship without that!  And it goes both ways. 

That's what being vulnerable means and it's an important part of developing a healthy relationship and building emotional intimacy.

For them too! 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Expressing difficult emotional topics or relationship issues is a lot different than laying one's anxieties, fears, insecurities on their partner and relying upon that person to adjust their behavior to soothe them.

Totally agree and wasn't what I was suggesting at all.  See my recent post posted a couple of minutes ago.

Is that what the OP is doing?  Unloading her anxieties, fears and insecurities on her new boyfriend? 

I didn't see she posted anything about that. 

My read was she met a great guy, emotionally stable and with whom she feels 'safe.'

And as a result of feeling safe, the trauma and pain she's been suppressing and hasn't dealt with properly is rising to the surface.

To be addressed and eventually released. 

Where has she said she's unloading her anxieties and insecurities on her boyfriend?

If she did, I missed it and agree with you, she should NOT be doing that.

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Where has she said she's unloading her anxieties and insecurities on her boyfriend?

She said she "lashes out" and "goes off the rails" with him. That's unloading IMO. 

I don't believe people have zero control over what comes out of their mouths. We can always take a step back and stop ourselves from saying hurtful things. Some people need to re-learn to have a filter if they haven't done so for a long time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She said she "lashes out" and "goes off the rails" with him. That's unloading IMO. 

Ok I missed that, my bad.   

OP, what's going on there? What do you lash out at him about?  Go off the rails? 

Are you 'testing' him to see how much shyt he'll tolerate?  Not accusing just asking.

How does he respond? 

Try to get away from doing that. Practice self-control.  Take up yoga, I find it quite calming and helps with my own anxiety.

Running helps too, any type of physical exercise really.

Otherwise YOU are creating the same type of toxic dynamic you had in your previous relationships, but with the roles flipped. 

 

[ilovecats666]

I guess as an update for anyone who is curious, I think I am ending the relationship. 

I think a lot of you are right in saying that I'm not ready for this situation, I'm not. 

I think if it were in person, it would have worked out well. But the pressure of the long distance and vague future is getting to me.

Yesterday I discussed with him how I'm having an extremely hard time with the situation. And he more or less said that his next 5 ish years will probably have him moving around a lot and working even more. Which is definitely unstable and leaving him with even less time. And I know I won't be able to cope. I already only intermittently am. Aka not. 

I think I need to back out before I make his life a nightmare with my insecurities. I know I can be massively draining though it isn't my intention. Because it's a nightmare to live in my own brain sometimes. So I imagine it'd not great to be on the other end either. 

I'll take a long break and keep working with my therapist and psychiatrist to hopefully be more normal psychologically at some point. 

It is very devastating because he's a great dude. Easily the best guy I've ever dated.

I just know I'm not going to be magically better any time soon. And this relationship taught me a lot about how deeply not healed I am. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ilovecats666 said:

 I discussed with him how I'm having an extremely hard time with the situation. And he more or less said that his next 5 ish years will probably have him moving around a lot and working even more. 

Sorry this is happening. You're making the right decision to set yourself free from an anxiety provoking situation and simply take care of yourself and your health.