Trying to regulate feelings re: ex on dating apps

[Looktothesky]

My relationship with my ex girlfriend ended over the summer.

A little over  a month or so ago we began talking and agreed to start couples therapy in order to sort of clear the air around the breakup and see if there is a way forward for us together. Things have been going well with that and we have also been spending time together outside of therapy. We both agree that things are going well and acknowledge that there is still a lot to work on.

Since the breakup I have regrettably been on dating apps. Mainly to casually date or to hook up. It isn’t something that we’ve discussed. Well this morning I came across her profile on one of the apps with her bio about looking for someone for a relationship. 

I am trying to keep my feeling about this in check, since I don’t really have a place to be upset. I want to bring it up to her but I don’t know if that is a good idea.

[MissCanuck]

If you're both on datings apps, it's the sign that you need to move on from each other. 

Don't waste more time or money on couple's therapy when you're already broken up and clearly both explorig other options. The time for couple's therapy has already gone. It's time to say goodbye. 

[Looktothesky]

To be fair, I am not taking being on the apps seriously at all. It feels more like a bad habit at this point. I talk to people but don’t feel any compulsion to go further, being that I still have feelings for her. Is it not possible that she could be in a similar position? We’ve been open about our goals to try and mend our relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Looktothesky said:

. I want to bring it up to her but I don’t know if that is a good idea.

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Are you trying to reconcile? Stay friends? FWB?

If you needed couples therapy while just dating unfortunately it seems there's too many unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities. 

What app is it? Can you delete your profile from it and instead get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps?

Unfortunately after breaking up you keep hanging out so never really moved forward and sort of stayed in limbo. 

Don't bring it up to her. In fact you could start to heal if you make a clean break. The worst thing you can do is stay in this limbo and start talking about each other's dating life. 

[Looktothesky]

I have to say I was not expecting the general response to be that we should just give this up altogether.

I’m not sure why it seems the mere mention of couples therapy seems to have that effect on people. I don’t see why it cannot be a useful, powerful thing that has the potential to bring people closer.

We are not in therapy due to issues we are currently having. We are doing it to have a neutral space where we can clear the air about things that went wrong earlier this year and how we might be able to navigate those problems in the future. After the breakup in July, we had not seen each other or been in contact until late September or so.

I guess I don’t necessarily see being on dating apps as an absolute indicator that things aren’t working. We are purposely giving each other the space we need. Aside from the initial gut punch of seeing her on there, I don’t really have a problem with it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

To be fair, I am not taking being on the apps seriously at all. It feels more like a bad habit at this point. I talk to people but don’t feel any compulsion to go further, being that I still have feelings for her. Is it not possible that she could be in a similar position? We’ve been open about our goals to try and mend our relationship.

That's really kind of awful to use and waste other people's time who are looking to date people with real intentions. Assume she is. You two are not a couple.  She has at least one foot out the door.  She is advertising herself as single and looking for a relationship.  How about clearing the air by giving yourself air to explore other options -or not -but without you each breathing down the other's neck.  Couples therapy can be extremely valuable for committed couples.  

[smackie9]

Well that has always been your problem with each other...the inability to communicate honestly with each other. Without honest communication, then there is no trust/connection between you...only uncertainty.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

. Aside from the initial gut punch of seeing her on there, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Actually you do. But since you're technically broken up (but not broken up), and your looking for hookups yourself, what can you say? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

I’m not sure why it seems the mere mention of couples therapy seems to have that effect on people.

Because it is kicking a dead horse when you have already broken up. 

4 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

I don’t see why it cannot be a useful, powerful thing that has the potential to bring people closer.

It absolutely can be - when you are actually a still couple. You two aren't  a couple anymore and haven't been for some months now. 

4 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

We are doing it to have a neutral space where we can clear the air

It obviously ain't really working if neither of you is being honest about your extracurriculars on dating apps. That is not clearing the air or finding a way forward. It's choosing to hide things that could disrupt the whole process of reconciliation, which is why I assume you are in therapy with an ex to begin with. Otherwise, what is the point of this therapy? 

4 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

Aside from the initial gut punch of seeing her on there, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Son, get real with yourself. This thread wouldn't exist if you didn't have a problem with it. You are back-pedalling now and trying to be okay with it because the truth hurts. And the truth is that you have just discovered she isn't actually committed to the process of finding a way forward with you when she's also shopping for your replacement. 

4 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

I talk to people but don’t feel any compulsion to go further, being that I still have feelings for her. Is it not possible that she could be in a similar position?

 Well no, not if she's indicated she's actually looking for a relationship. That means she isn't on it for the same reasosn you are. She is looking for a new boyfriend. 

4 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

We’ve been open about our goals to try and mend our relationship.

You have just learned the very hard way that isn't entirely true. If you two were genuinely open with each other, you would have already known has put herself out there again. You apparently had no idea.