Need to reach out

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi. 
 

I have made threads about this relationship before, about the troubles in it, my trust issues, and I always abandoned them because I’d pushed myself so deep into denial and didn’t want to see the responses that gave me the truth. 
 

After 7 months now, it is over. I discovered some lies, asked him to be honest, his approach was to justify his lies and lie even more to cover up the new lies. Just lie lie lie. I don’t have the words to describe how something like that makes me feel, it is honestly cruel. Honesty is the bare minimum. I can’t even get that. In all my relationships, I get lied to, cheated on, in the last one I was physically abused as well, and all of them justify it with such gull and confidence. 
 

I don’t understand what I do wrong all the time. I try keep my side of the street clean, always - I’m honest, I’m loyal, I offer support and love the best way I know how to. I’m not good with words so I try show. I spent 2 months working on an art piece for this guy, I’m currently knitting him a scarf, I’m a successful business woman and yet I can’t land down a single good relationship. Platonic or romantic. I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong. 
 

I’m in a really weird state right now. Finding proof to the lies offered me a strange sense of calm, though I was physically broken and shaking through most of the night. I just didn’t cry anymore. I think I’m in denial right now, but I know it will lift eventually and the reality of being alone again will hit me soon. I don’t mind being alone per se but I can imagine how lonely I will feel. I will be spending Christmas alone, New Year’s. All I will have is work. 
 

I texted him yesterday to send me a date and a time so he can pick up his stuff. Today he messaged me back and he seems fine with it ending, too. I don’t know what I think about it. I know it doesn’t really matter but my ego is hurt. 
 

I don’t know what’s happening. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 texted him yesterday to send me a date and a time so he can pick up his stuff. Today he messaged me back and he seems fine with it ending, too

Sorry this is happening. Contacting him to get his stuff is a good step toward closure. Pack it up and keep it brief and business like, perhaps have a friend present? 

[Batya33]

I’m sorry this happened. I love how you try to compensate for “not being good with words” by actions and have you considered working on social skills in this area? Not only good for romance. I’m not sure exactly what you mean but this struck me. I’ve had to learn how to be better with words in parenting and in my marriage. Your social skills are not set in stone at all. I’m not saying you weren’t a victim of someone who lies but if you present socially in a better way where someone can get to know you in the typical way of conversations that get deeper and more open over time then you might find a different and higher quality dating pool. I wonder if you’re more vulnerable to people who mislead and lie because you don’t communicate effectively and you’re an easier target. Just something to think about and again I’m sorry. 

also I’d tune out from social media for now or really limit it so you don’t see all those fake “how awesome the holidays are gonna be “ stuff. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t understand what I do wrong all the time. I try keep my side of the street clean, always - I’m honest, I’m loyal, I offer support and love the best way I know how to. I’m not good with words so I try show. I spent 2 months working on an art piece for this guy, I’m currently knitting him a scarf, I’m a successful business woman and yet I can’t land down a single good relationship. Platonic or romantic. I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong. 

Have you ever thought that its maybe not you per se. But your choices. I have a friend who is almost PhD. Pretty, successful artist, has good job, fairly developed social life etc. And yet she is 36 and no boyfriend. Her last one was some Polish dude who she met and who travels all over the world. That predictably failed. Her biggest one was some guy that left her because she was "too old" for him(she was 3 years older). Only for him to marry a woman 10 years older then him down the line. My friend works together now with that woman lol. 

Anyway, my point is, you can be all those stuff and its admirable and positive. And still be bad at picking your social circle or even a partner. Just because we are those stuff doesnt mean that we would automatically get the person who is also that or even the person who appreciates that qualities in us. For that we need to look really good those qualities in our partners. Case in point, you knew that he was the liar(I think some of your previous threads said so) and chose to brush that up and continue. Are you really surprised that at the end he turned out to be, a liar? 

Open your eyes more next time. Dont brush off "red flags" and go into that kind of relationships. Because you now have an experience what happens if you do that. And you know it doesnt lead to good relationship.

[Jaunty]

  You already laid out what you do "wrong"  in your first sentence:

Quote

I’d pushed myself so deep into denial 

I have read your past threads and maybe posted in them.  One I recall is where you wrote "he hurt me again" and I think you broke up, or were going to.  Then it seemed as if you just moved on like nothing had happened.

I didn't know how to respond to that.  Maybe you were overdramatic and going to be hurt and break up over something legitimately inconsequential.  

Or, where you just choosing to turn a blind eye to a real problem?

Obviously, if this guy is a chronic liar, you were not making a big deal out of nothing.   Evidently you chose to "ignore" this and probably other red flags.

You'll have to stop doing that in order to develop a good functional relationship with a standup guy.   

[jadedjadedjaded]

On 11/12/2023 at 2:48 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m in a really weird state right now. Finding proof to the lies offered me a strange sense of calm, though I was physically broken and shaking through most of the night. I just didn’t cry anymore. I think I’m in denial right now, but I know it will lift eventually and the reality of being alone again will hit me soon. I don’t mind being alone per se but I can imagine how lonely I will feel. I will be spending Christmas alone, New Year’s. All I will have is work. 

Hi Tactical Linguine, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way! Can I challenge you to turn this into a positive among all of the inner turmoil you're feeling?

If I was in this situation I would try saying some of the following to myself.

1. I am so lucky that I am on the right path!

2. I am so happy that I will be spending the holidays with people that love and respect me!

3. I am so lucky that the universe is removing what is not for me and guiding me towards what is!

Being alone is so much better than feeling lonely in a relationship. It may seem like you may never get over these obsessive thoughts, but one day you're going to be laying in bed (relationship or no relationship) and not wondering what this man is doing, if he's texting someone else, etc. This is such a blessing that you caught this 7months in and not a year. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

You are not what you think you are, what you think you become. I really challenge you to speak positively about yourself, to yourself. You subconcious is always listening. If you change the framework of your thoughts, you will be so shocked at what you begin attracting in life. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I like myself" over and over again. Any time a negative thought about yourself enters your mind, replace it with something you love about yourself.

1. I am loyal, and I attract loyalty.

2. I am driven, and I attract equally ambitious people in my life.

3. I am supportive, and I attract supportive people.

Listen to positive affirmations in the day and watch what it does for your self confidence!!! It's so cheesy, I know, but give it a try, and if I'm wrong you have nothing to lose. 🙂Sending you love.