First family holidays

[Nade]

Hi guys,

I am looking for an advice from you or for opinions about my situation. So far I can only talk to my partner about it and would like to know if I am just totally wrong (my partner gives me that feeling and is not interested in understanding me or talking about it - just got insulting and ended the conversation) or if the difficulty of my situation in which I am right now is understandable.

 

This is our situation:

We are coming from two different cultures and we got married about 3 years ago, 2 years ago our child was born. We are living in my home country and due to different (personal and work) reasons we are spending our first holidays after 4 ½ years together, also our first holidays as a family (and as wife and husband).

 

My partner learned to know my family about 5 years ago and it was quite though in the beginning since there were cultural and language barriers. I understood that my partner was in a difficult and stressy situation whenever we visited my part of the family and we tried to solve the issues together. Now after many years we can spend time together with my part of the family quite well, although I still know that it is always a though situation for my partner whenever we visit my family.

 

I met the other side of the familiy so far only briefly, there were similar cultural differences which I tried to overcome (I indeed still have some problems when it comes to the need of being submissive, but I try!) and accept and gave my best to adapt. Our first common holidays began about 2 weeks ago and we went to visit my partners home country (my partner flew there every year so far but due to the peronal and work issues it is the first time that it is possible that we travel here together).

 

Before we came here we made plans about what we would like to do, what is important for us and what we would like to avoid. When making the plans, it was really important for me that we will also spend some time as a family (the two of us with our child), but I also wanted to make my partner being happy and spending as much time as possible with the grandparents of our child. So we wanted to stay for a week together with grandparents, another week traveling to an island (as a small honeymoon time which we haven’t had so far), another week in her home town as a small family and the last week with relatives + wedding ceremony. We decided to celebrate our marriage since due to COVID-19 restrictions we haven’t had a real celebration so far and my partners family also could not be part of the small celebration at all.

 

While we were planning things, it turned out that my partners parents were very keen on joining our honeymoon trip. I rejected a few times but gave in after the 5th time of saying no, so in the end we agreed on having them with us, too. Also my partner wanted to have a very local/traditional wedding celebration. Although it was not exactly how I imagined it to be, I wanted to make best efforts to fullfill the wishes. There were only a few details which were very important to me which we both agreed on – sadly in the end these things were not really taken into account when the celebration took place (due to an unexpected favour it was said).

 

Now after the wedding celebration is over (where my issues were not taken into account) and after we spent the honeymoon time together with grandparents, we were talking about the situation so far (since i seemed to not look happy enough for grandparents). It turned out that my partner was not really satisfied with me. I should have taken more intense care of the child so that there is more time that could be spend between my partner and the grandparents and I should look more happy and more thankfull for what grandparents try to do for us. I have to say that they really give their best (as I do, too) and try to show us nice places, eating nice things together and trying to understand each others cultural differences. It is just that I sometimes get a bit sad that my partner can’t at least acknowledge what I am doing and sacrificing here, that this is the first holidays after 4 ½ years that we can have together. Instead of enjoying the time with my little family only I am being nagged that I should look happier for the grandparents + taking care of the child. Also I know that it will not be possible any time soon to spend some family-holiday-time (in our little family) together, so I was looking forward to this trip. 

 

I of course understand my partner and the will to enjoy as much quality time with grandparents as somehow possible but I think the acknowledgement at least can be given back plus the understanding that it is not what I was hoping for and that therefore I can not just switch off my emotions and be 100% happy and satisfied with all - although I'm thankful to grandparents.

Further on, after talking about it, it should be possible to spend a day together only with our little family, but at the and time the opinion is that I should look happier and take better care on the child. Then how can I agree on spending a nice day together (with having the feeling that afterwards is even more expected that I should feel fully satisfied), and I'm not sure if grandparents will understand that we want to spend time in our own. So I think this suggests solution will not help in the end, especially when still the understanding is missing of what I'm sacrificing here. 

 

Is that weird that I am hoping for that, do I ask for too much and instead should just be more supportive for my partner and the grandparents family?

 

Thanks a lot for reading until here, I'll really appreciate your opinions and would just like to ask you to respond in a respectful manner.

[boltnrun]

Can you clarify some things? For example you mention being married but refer to your spouse as your "partner". Are you in fact married? You also mentioned being "submissive" as a cultural thing. Are you the spouse who is expected to be submissive or is your spouse supposed to be? Which spouse are you, the husband or the wife?

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. Having spent 3 or more years with a partner and during which time this is the only opportunity my husband has been able to include our child and me in his visit with his family, and his parents wanted to throw a ceremony for us, and the parents have been doing their best to entertain us, I would just throw my all into making this the happiest possible occasion for husband and his family. If that meant pasting on a bigger smile or spending more time with my child to allow husband more intimate time with his parents, I'd step up and do that.

I would not be trying to negotiate any kind of parity or reciprocity on THIS trip. I'd make it about husband and his family, because once in 3 years is not a huge sacrifice.

After the trip I'd start thinking about ways to plan another trip more aligned with my wants and needs and family. And I'd hope that husband would be as committed to making my parents and me happy as I'd been about his.