Friend got very friendly with ex after we broke up, but apologised recently.

[vertice]

I broke up with my ex over 10 years ago. I have a family and kids etc.. now and this isnt an "ohh my ex...." post...

At the time, my friend was very friendly with my ex, and began to hang out with her even more when we broke up.

It sucked at the time, but, at this stage, I don't really care. 

But, my friend came up and apologised recently for how things were and for being so close. He said he realised it was a ***ty thing to do and wanted to apologise.

First thing I asked was, had they stopped talking or something, he said no, they still talk, so I asked what's he apologising for, as if they are still friends, it might not have been the friendship it is now if he hadn't done what he did at the time. 

I asked out straight were they with each other, he said no, I said he missed out on a big opportunity as I could tell there was a thing there between them. 

Lastly, I told him whatever has happened, where he decided to grow a conscience, I didn't accept the apology, as I didn't really care and don't want to give bandwidth to an ex, and that I felt this was more about him rather than a sincere apology to me. I also called him a hypocrite as he was fuming about 2 guys doing similar to him at the time, but it was OK for him to do it to me and confide in me in the process..

Anyways.... he's more of an acquaintance after all these years now, but since the interaction, it dragged up loads of old feelings and I'm feeling quite angry over it all now.... I have always had a resentment towards my ex, because this was pretty standard stuff from her, be pretty much emotionally involved with other "friends" ,but she's never physically cheated, so I can't say shes a cheater, and my old friend who realises what he was doing but takes over 10 years to decide to say anything. 

I still feel I did the right thing, not making a fuss over things years ago, but sometimes for the sake of my dignity, I feel like I should have, but, I know my ex would have only engorged on some drama over her....

How do I deal with how I'm feeling... I genuinely didn't care until he said it, so did I care all along?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, vertice said:

, my friend came up and apologised recently for how things were and for being so close. 

What were his motives for dredging all this up now? Have you been friends this entire time? 

[Jaunty]

You are actually making a fuss.  Not accepting his apology, called him a hypocrite, etc.  

Why not just handle it with grace?  You've been "ex's" with this person for a decade!

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, vertice said:

I also called him a hypocrite as he was fuming about 2 guys doing similar to him at the time, but it was OK for him to do it to me and confide in me in the process..

Its a common thing with hypocrits. To do stuff they dont condone. Hence why they are hypocrits. In lots of cases they just dont see, or see but justify with their own reason, their behavior. For example your friend had a problem when other men where talking to his ex. But hasnt seen the problem when he did it because, well, he liked her. And your ex possibly only liked attention since she exhibits that kind of behavior where she was "friendly" with lots of guys. You yourself say she enjoys drama. 

33 minutes ago, vertice said:

How do I deal with how I'm feeling... I genuinely didn't care until he said it, so did I care all along?

Eh, possibly on some level. Dunno why you were even friends after that. Guy gets chummy with your ex right after you broke up  just for possibility of being with her because she isnt with you anymore. That is just scummy behavior for somebody you call "friend".

[catfeeder]

It makes sense that your ex friend raising this would also raise some anger. An apology isn’t really an apology without a sincere offer to make it up to you. So continuing the relationship that harmed you cancels that out and comes off as a request, instead, that you ‘get over’ your feelings about that and condone the behavior.

I agree with you that THAT is not an apology. It’s natural to react to such manipulation with anger, regardless of whether it’s limited to the current insult, or whether there might be some remnants of the old wound mixed into that.

The good news I’d take from this is, you made the right choice long ago and haven’t been missing out on a good friendship because of any misunderstanding on your part.

Nobody really has a right to expect that friends and neighbors of a broken couple who must continue to share community experiences and social circles with both exes must rally to one side or another to become adversaries of the other. That’s just over-the-top self-involved and ridiculous.

But one who considers themselves a best friend of either partner will step up to support their friend. This means upholding a basic civility toward their friend’s ex even while maintaining a respectful distance from that ex.

But nowhere in this awkward dance is it okay for a BEST friend to adopt a close relationship or partnership with their friend’s ex. That’s disloyal, and it’s disingenuous of him to expect forgiveness for playing both sides of that fence.

Good call on your part, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.

[vertice]

On 8/31/2023 at 9:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

What were his motives for dredging all this up now? Have you been friends this entire time? 

no clue, he just said he realised he was in the wrong about how he went about it and wanted to apologise

[vertice]

23 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You are actually making a fuss.  Not accepting his apology, called him a hypocrite, etc.  

Why not just handle it with grace?  You've been "ex's" with this person for a decade!

It annoyed me a bit that it was an apology just to make himself feel better, as he's still friends with my ex, I said to him that if he wasn't so close to her at the time, you might not have the friendship he has with her now, so why was he apologising...

But I agree, my reaction can be taken as making a fuss... I didn't accept the apology because I felt the matter was done and dusted years ago, I had made piece with it, I didn't appreciate it being brought up again just so they could feel better.

[vertice]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It makes sense that your ex friend raising this would also raise some anger. An apology isn’t really an apology without a sincere offer to make it up to you. So continuing the relationship that harmed you cancels that out and comes off as a request, instead, that you ‘get over’ your feelings about that and condone the behavior.

I agree with you that THAT is not an apology. It’s natural to react to such manipulation with anger, regardless of whether it’s limited to the current insult, or whether there might be some remnants of the old wound mixed into that.

The good news I’d take from this is, you made the right choice long ago and haven’t been missing out on a good friendship because of any misunderstanding on your part.

Nobody really has a right to expect that friends and neighbors of a broken couple who must continue to share community experiences and social circles with both exes must rally to one side or another to become adversaries of the other. That’s just over-the-top self-involved and ridiculous.

But one who considers themselves a best friend of either partner will step up to support their friend. This means upholding a basic civility toward their friend’s ex even while maintaining a respectful distance from that ex.

But nowhere in this awkward dance is it okay for a BEST friend to adopt a close relationship or partnership with their friend’s ex. That’s disloyal, and it’s disingenuous of him to expect forgiveness for playing both sides of that fence.

Good call on your part, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.

thank you, I really appreciate the response

[SooSad33]

On 9/1/2023 at 4:49 PM, vertice said:

But I agree, my reaction can be taken as making a fuss... I didn't accept the apology because I felt the matter was done and dusted years ago, I had made piece with it, I didn't appreciate it being brought up again just so they could feel better.

Yeah, it happens, feelings can re surface with reminders. So, you just have to give it time to settle again, is all.  What more can you do?

I am friends with a guy who also interacts w/ my ex.  They worked together years ago.

But, no one says much about it.  We do our thing and he does his thing.  No need to mentioned anyone's name in this.  So what, he's friends with both of us. ( although he did back off from me for a good few years, at first, I Knew that and said I understood & was fine with it).

So, all you can do really is give this some time to settle down again.  And carry on.  It has been years since and it's all in the past.