Missing my ex girlfriend

[WandererBoy]

Hi forumgoers,

I am the same guy from this other thread, almost two months ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/457065-girlfriend-loves-me-i-do-not-reciprocate/#comment-5806444

In short, I (27M) broke up with my ex girlfriend (24F) over some key issues, namely:

-I did not love her after one year of relationship and two+ years of knowing each other. The biggest reason of them all, of course, since you cannot really force feelings. I never felt the same intensity that she did.

-We had extremely different personalities. She put a lot of emphasis on things like gifts and spending money, especially for socially established events (birthdays, celebrations), while I didn't. She needed my presence often, while I needed (and still need) my personal space too.

-In addition to the last point - she believes that spending money for someone is a sign of caring. Like, the more you spend for someone, the more you like them, if it makes sense. I like making gifts, but only when I feel like it. Couldn't do it here, had to be when she wanted them.

-She wanted to go live together and get married soon. My financial situation would not allow for either of the choices, and this point was always a source of stress for me, especially since I wanted to take it more slowly. It also felt like she wanted this because it was the socially right thing to do. Never confronted her on this specifically, just my feeling.

-During our last few meetings, I told her I suspected she liked the idea of me more than she liked me, as in, I was idealised in her mind and many of our discussions stemmed from her being disappointed of me not doing what she expected me to. She agreed this might be the case

There are a few more things I will not touch (related to the bedroom), and I made a lot of mistakes with her as well, but I am mainly talking about the points that drove me away from her. She actually wanted to try again with me.

 

We talked (it was hard) and we parted ways. I felt fine during the first few weeks, I tried to keep myself busy, and when the thought of her came to me, I just looked back at all the reasons why it was not working/it could not work.

Well, I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop thinking about her. Maybe it's normal, I don't know, but I long to see/hear her. If I focus my thoughts and go through all the reasons for the breakup again, it all makes sense, and I am sure I made the right choice. But then It just all comes to me again and I miss her.

I am stuck in a loop of missing her - reasoning with myself - missing her - reasoning with myself. The thought of her meeting someone new is killing me. We are both doing fine otherwise, I myself are going to start many new adventures in my career and my hands will be full this year. But still I miss what we had, even if at the end of the day, trying again to be with her would lead to the same problems, to the same frustrations.

Please help me here, guys. Has this ever happened to you? What do you do in these cases? I am torn between just going back to her to end the pain, and enduring in my decision to leave, to hopefully feel better in the future.

Thank you.

 

TL, DR: Broke up with my girlfriend a couple months ago for valid reasons/dealbreakers. Missing her terribly now and thinking of her even if it makes no sense and even if those reasons are still valid and true.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, WB. Sounds like a natural part of grieving. I would not go back or you'll just compound the problem by needing to go through the breakup all over again, and you'll be back at square one with missing her again.

Even if she were to curtail her pressures to move in and marry or buy pricey gifts or expect more of your time, you already know those pressures to be there. And they're not going to change.

Grief has stages, and we don't go through them neatly in order, they are a mish-mosh or cycles over the course of time, and they repeat until we've worked through them. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. In no particular order. Some stages are more prominent than others.

It isn't just the one who was on the receiving end of a breakup who grieves. You'll have your own as the initiator, and it's to be expected. You broke up for good reasons, and you remain clear about those. It's natural that your heart would still hurt, and I'm sorry.

[shouldhavelearned]

You stated all the reasons you didn't think it would work

 

Yes, you miss her. Take some time to work on yourself and think of what you're looking for.

 

Get out and about in time and you will find someone 

[WandererBoy]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You stated all the reasons you didn't think it would work

 

Yes, you miss her. Take some time to work on yourself and think of what you're looking for.

 

Get out and about in time and you will find someone 

 

This resonates with me. I intend to find myself, so to speak, and to become a better person, so that I can be the best version of me the next time around. It's just hard right now. My friends say that I live too quickly, that I am impatient when it comes to long processes, and that is also true - I would like the pain to just go away instantly, but that is not how it works.

 

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, WB. Sounds like a natural part of grieving. I would not go back or you'll just compound the problem by needing to go through the breakup all over again, and you'll be back at square one with missing her again.

Even if she were to curtail her pressures to move in and marry or buy pricey gifts or expect more of your time, you already know those pressures to be there. And they're not going to change.

Grief has stages, and we don't go through them neatly in order, they are a mish-mosh or cycles over the course of time, and they repeat until we've worked through them. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. In no particular order. Some stages are more prominent than others.

It isn't just the one who was on the receiving end of a breakup who grieves. You'll have your own as the initiator, and it's to be expected. You broke up for good reasons, and you remain clear about those. It's natural that your heart would still hurt, and I'm sorry.

 

Thank you for your kind words. This is a time of change for me in many aspects. Sometimes I think I am hurting mostly because she was a point of reference to me among it all, and I needed that kind of anchor. It would not feel right to go back if that's the case.