What’s next?

[catfeeder]

Just now, Whirling D said:

That’s a reasonable anecdote, but if it’s me, you’re directing this toward, I don’t think I’m trashing her. Do I by her reasoning as to why she would want me to do that? I don’t. I don’t agree with it, and I think it’s disrespectful.
 

Hah! No, I was addressing Rainbow for the lively trashing of the nice doctor lady.

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Hah! No, I was addressing Rainbow for the lively trashing of the nice doctor lady.

Thank you… But there’s part of me that agrees with rainbow… Although, I’m trying to understand different perspectives, and I’m trying to let go of this feeling I have of being dissed.  😵‍💫😵‍💫

[catfeeder]

Just now, Whirling D said:

Well, as has been said before… Is this really the hill I want to die on with her? I don’t think it is. Can I live with her not caring much for my long hair? I guess I could. It’s just hair.
 

No differently than if she got hers cut short. I don’t think I disown her if she did, even though it would lower my attraction to her physically. But that’s only part of the whole picture, right? 

Yes, good point. Yet I don't think she even minds it. I think she's doing some over-thinking of her own to learn how offended you would be if she asked you to wear an elastic to meet her colleagues at a dressy thing.

That's why I'm defending her so much. I just don't think it's a big deal...do you?

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Well, as has been said before… Is this really the hill I want to die on with her? I don’t think it is. Can I live with her not caring much for my long hair? I guess I could. It’s just hair.
 

No differently than if she got hers cut short. I don’t think I disown her if she did, even though it would lower my attraction to her physically. But that’s only part of the whole picture, right? 

OK Whirl but again intent matters! 

Your intent would be you find her more attractive with longer hair.

NOT because her shorter hair would reflect poorly on you and your choices or embarrass you in front of others. 

Do you understand the difference? 

[catfeeder]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

OK Whirl but again intent matters! 

Your intent would be you find her more attractive with longer hair.

NOT because her shorter hair woujd reflect poorly on you and your choices or embarrass you. 

Do you understand the difference? 

Okay, try this. Would it be offensive for someone you love to ask you to be in their wedding party, and to tie back your hair for that?

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, good point. Yet I don't think she even minds it. I think she's doing some over-thinking of her own to learn how offended you would be if she asked you to wear an elastic to meet her colleagues at a dressy thing.

That's why I'm defending her so much. I just don't think it's a big deal...do you?

Well, as mentioned. I think my ego may be flattened a little bit, because I thought maybe she thought of me in a way that could do no wrong… If you know what I mean.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Okay, try this. Would it be offensive for someone you love to ask you to be in their wedding party, and to tie back your hair for that?

Probably not especially if all the other bridesmaids were wearing their hair back as well.

It's different from this situation where she told Whirling wearing his hair down/loose would be a poor reflection on her and her choices. 

 

[Whirling D]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK Whirl but again intent matters! 

Your intent would be you find her more attractive with longer hair.

NOT because her shorter hair would reflect poorly on you and your choices or embarrass you in front of others. 

Do you understand the difference? 

I do, and the not so flattering part of my ego thinks that she would appear to be “hotter“ with her longer wild hair. I’m not proud to say that, but I do believe I would feel that way.

[Whirling D]

Just now, Whirling D said:

I do, and the not so flattering part of my ego thinks that she would appear to be “hotter“ with her longer wild hair. I’m not proud to say that, but I do believe I would feel that way.

So in that regard, I probably think no differently than she does in regards to something like this. She just has a higher platform from which to validate her needs… And that is her professional reputation. She makes no hesitation pointing that out. 🙂

[catfeeder]

Just now, Whirling D said:

Well, as mentioned. I think my ego may be flattened a little bit, because I thought maybe she thought of me in a way that could do no wrong… If you know what I mean.

If she views a future with you, that's a compliment.

So she's trying out the one thing she fears most--asking if you would be willing to temporarily conform to a norm that honors her traditional profession where she has labored for decades.

People have asked far, far more of others for stupid things like bachelorette parties.

[Anonymous]

@catfeeder not sure why but I'm beginning (just beginning) to lean into your point/opinion.

I am open to it anyway, I will continue contemplating. 

[Whirling D]

Just now, catfeeder said:

If she views a future with you, that's a compliment.

So she's trying out the one thing she fears most--asking if you would be willing to temporarily conform to a norm that honors her traditional profession where she has labored for decades.

People have asked far, far more of others for stupid things like bachelorette parties.

Well, I guess that could be seen as true, but I just wondering now if I may have botched that curiosity about a future with me.  But she still seems mildly interest in talking with me… Although that seems to have been tapered off fairly dramatically… But it’s Tom Petty sang… 🎶 love is a Long Long Road 🎶. Or something like that.
 

I would enjoy working toward a future with her, but I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other, and whether little battles like this will turn out to show too much incompatibility. I can’t imagine most couples don’t bump heads with each other like this about stuff like this. 

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Probably not especially if all the other bridesmaids were wearing their hair back as well.

It's different from this situation where she told Whirling wearing his hair down/loose would be a poor reflection on her and her choices. 

 

Oh, c'mOn. Have you heard what some of these bridezillas have said to their bridal party peeps?

It's all relative--this is two attracted people trying to work out the bumps and kinks.

That's reasonable, we all have out hangups. Mine have been with 'authority' figures at school and work, too. These are confidences, not insults.

[Anonymous]

@catfeeder 

Not sure why but I'm beginning (just beginning) to lean into your point/opinion.

I am open to it anyway, I will continue contemplating. 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, c'mOn. Have you heard what some of these bridezillas have said to their bridal party peeps?

It's all relative--this is two attracted people trying to work out the bumps and kinks.

That's reasonable, we all have out hangups. Mine have been with 'authority' figures at school and work, too. These are confidences, not insults.

Yeah, I can imagine what a bride might think, if one of the bridesmaids was grumpy about having to wear their hair up, like the other bridesmaids were asked to. Point well-made.

[Anonymous]

Just now, Guest Anonymous said:

@catfeeder 

Not sure why but I'm beginning (just beginning) to lean into your point/opinion.

I am open to it anyway, I will continue contemplating. 

Not sure why I'm suddenly appearing as anonymous.

Anyway, this is rainbowsandroses. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, Whirling D said:

... I can’t imagine most couples don’t bump heads with each other like this about stuff like this. 

YES! Yes. They. Do.

That's been my point. 

Don't make perfection into an enemy of the good!

We all have fantasies about unconditional fairy dust--along with unicorns that fart glitter.

Get real, and negotiate realism realistically. Oh, and enjOy it!

[bluecastle]

6 hours ago, Whirling D said:

OK, so I guess my patience paid off… The doctor lady texted me… Said that her friend had left, and she was now able to chill for a bit. I feel a bit more relaxed now.

So, if I'm following correctly, she reached out, and that served as an elixir to your spins for an hour? Seems like you're building a pretty serious tolerance to the affects of the drug. 

I'm reluctant to wade into the Great Hair Debate, I admit. From where I sit, it feels like the very debate you were having with yourself (with us straw people serving as a mirror) before you even met her: the feeling of having being shunned by society, of inhabiting a subset of bohemia that has alienated you from women, from school systems, from America. From that angle, it was only a matter of time before she did or said something to stir all this, and the odds were always going to be higher given the pretty sizable chasm in your backgrounds and life stations. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, c'mOn. Have you heard what some of these bridezillas have said to their bridal party peeps?

It's all relative--this is two attracted people trying to work out the bumps and kinks.

That's reasonable, we all have out hangups. Mine have been with 'authority' figures at school and work, too. These are confidences, not insults.

Please read my subsequent post.  I am starting to see your side of things. 

-rainbow

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Not sure why I'm suddenly appearing as anonymous.

Anyway, this is rainbowsandroses. 

Thank you, Rainbow. I believe your heart is in the right place. I wonder if something in your post dialog got checked...I think there's a 'Post as Anonymous' box.

[Whirling D]

Just now, catfeeder said:

YES! Yes. They. Do.

That's been my point. 

Don't make perfection into an enemy of the good!

We all have fantasies about unconditional fairy dust--along with unicorns that fart glitter.

Get real, and negotiate realism realistically. Oh, and enjOy it!

Believe it or not, I’ve been trying hard to do just that… Which happens much more easily, when I am with the doctor lady in person, with the exception of conversations like the one we discussed.

She is really easy to like most of the time, although, that has been changing a bit… she’s Been quite a bit more angry over the last week, and tired… She even joked about maybe having Lyme disease and I joked about maybe it being mono. Maybe it was just a bad week, who knows. Our weekend was OK, but not great last weekend… It was rainy, she was grumpy for part of it, and then we had these conversations. The road was getting bumpy here, and I just hope that she still is trying to drive forward. But then again, I hope I can continue to drive forward, as well. Eventually, you have to start deciding whether you’re on the same road. It should be simple to figure that out, but it isn’t always easy.

 

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

So, if I'm following correctly, she reached out, and that served as an elixir to your spins for an hour? Seems like you're building a pretty serious tolerance to the affects of the drug. 

I'm reluctant to wade into the Great Hair Debate, I admit. From where I sit, it feels like the very debate you were having with yourself (with us straw people serving as a mirror) before you even met her: the feeling of having being shunned by society, of inhabiting a subset of bohemia that has alienated you from women, from school systems, from America. From that angle, it was only a matter of time before she did or said something to stir all this, and the odds were always going to be higher given the pretty sizable chasm in your backgrounds and life stations. 

And?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Thank you, Rainbow. I believe your heart is in the right place. I wonder if something in your post dialog got checked...I think there's a 'Post as Anonymous' box.

I think it's fixed, let's see how this post looks once posted.

[Whirling D]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Thank you, Rainbow. I believe your heart is in the right place. I wonder if something in your post dialog got checked...I think there's a 'Post as Anonymous' box.

Yes, I am starting to further understand what you are saying as well, cat, but I also still relate to what rainbow is saying. It’s still not a favorable characteristic for her to feel that it could be a bad reflection on her how I look, no differently than it’s not a great reflection on me that I would probably not feel that she was as hot for my friends to see, if she cut her hair short. 
 

People aren’t perfect, I’m not, she’s not, we got to get over that. I hope she can.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Yes, I am starting to further understand what you are saying as well, cat, but I also still relate to what rainbow is saying. It’s still not a favorable characteristic for her to feel that it could be a bad reflection on her how I look, no differently than it’s not a great reflection on me that I would probably not feel that she was as hot for my friends to see, if she cut her hair short. 
 

People aren’t perfect, I’m not, she’s not, we got to get over that. I hope she can.

I think it's fine -neutral - she cares about what her professional colleagues think.  Her professional life is a huge part of her life. She knows far far better than you what is acceptable and what is not.  And  her professional life will be whether or not you are in her life -at least until she retires (my dad was a doctor and retired early -at age 73 -due to his medical  condition - but would have loved to work into his 80s at least) - so she has to prioritize and not make waves especially with a new person in her life.  You don't get it -at least it seems like you don't - because you've never had such a long professional career as she has and you didn't care as much about your teaching career as she seems to care about her medical career.