Nervous for a date

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

. He stayed out Friday night drinking until 2am with his buddy. Maybe he was hungover? 

This is his priory. He'll be doing this on his vacation as well, not going to a doctor. You do seem to be mothering and smothering him because he wants a frat boy life but you want a BF.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

The Saturday he was supposed to stay over. He stayed out Friday night drinking until 2am with his buddy. Maybe he was hungover? That would make sense.

This keeps getting worse and worse. 

Have you have no standards at all Alex?  No self-respect?

I'm really getting concerned here. 

Seriously, that is insulting!  

Question: Was him getting drunk with his buddy and being hungover for YOUR date the following day acceptable to you? 

So hungover that he had issues performing sexually and bailed on spending the night with you? 

Please know, PLEASE, no man who truly valued you and the time he spent with you would have done that.

How do you not know this?  

Serious question.

[Jaunty]

Can you please answer these 2 questions:

Are you now comfortable with being ditched approximately 50% of the times you are supposed to do something with this guy?

Are you comfortable at this point with being ditched 100% of the times you had plans to get together with friends of his? 

He blatantly prioritizes GETTING DRUNK with the bro's over anything to do with you.  

These are the patterns and the things we all - including you - know about your relationship thus far.  This is the information you are using to decide that you are "happy" in the relationship.

I understand that you "hope" things will change, but all you have right now is what you actually have.   

You were very sad on Sunday.  Now it's Wednesday and you're happy.   Did you lower your standards even further over the past 2 days?

 

 

[Batya33]

Does your stomach hurt when he ditches you to help his friend and then won't /doesn't think he needs to apologize? His stomach hurts during the sexual act but not when he goes out drinking till 2am?

[spinstermanquee]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He said that the action of sex- moving and thrusting was making his stomach ache worse. So we just sat around after and he said it calms down when he doesn't move all around. 

That sounds like a request for a BJ  LOL

[boltnrun]

Wow...he chose getting drunk with his buddies over spending time with you. 

And this isn't the first time either.

You said this is the relationship you've always wanted, so I presume you've always dreamed about being involved with a man who gets drunk multiple times a week, cancels plans 50% of the time, won't stay overnight with you, has "financial" issues (yet he's got plenty of money to buy booze and new shoes) and can't finish the actual sex act because he's done so much damage to his digestive system with booze, fast food and smoking he's got the runs all the time. But hey, he sends you texts and keeps promising he'll have you meet his friends "soon". 

Alex, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to point out that a woman like you, who has a good job, owns her own home and is pretty and sweet doesn't have to settle for just any guy who comes along just because she's approaching 30 years old and is frantic to find a boyfriend. You should want the right man, not just some human with male anatomy who happens to give you a bit of attention. 

Don't you want more for yourself?

[Crawfords Wine]

I'm not gonna spare your blushes and hold off on judging.

I went back  to some of your older treads.
The below are your words, written merely a year ago:

Posted July 22, 2022: 
-I look for a smart,  accomplished, responsible, mature, funny, cute guy.

Posted July 22, 2022
-I am looking for a loyal, family oriented, mature, future husband, and a potential good father. 

Posted July 22, 2022:
-Deal breakers for me are- Can't smoke, do drugs, smoke weed, vape.  
-Will not be with someone who drinks alcohol too much. 
-Will not be with someone who isn't loyal and strings me along with no commitment.

 

My girl, it seems like you've heaved all those requirements and deal breakers overboard when you latched onto this dude, as he is none of the good things you looked for, and presents many of the behaviours and traits that you then said were not acceptable to you. 

 
I suspect that you're now operating from your own personal version of the sunk cost fallacy.
After all, at least you have *have* a boyfriend, putting you on equal footing with your 'friends' who you've been envying for years.

I expect you would dread the embarrassment of having to go and tell them and your family that it didn't work out, and you now do not have a boyfriend after all.

You continue to adjust and re-adjust your narrative, and redefine your wants, needs and likes according to how this fella treats you and this 'relationship'.

- Driving around town running errands is not a date.
- Sending you pictures of where he is or  what he is doing is not 'including you in his life'.
- Making plans with you that habitually don't come to fruition is not 'prioritising you'.
- Planting his arse on your sofa & watching telly is not 'dating & getting to know you'.

It's all compete BS, and you know it.
But you're clinging to it for dear life, because you can tell yourself and other people that you *have a boyfriend*.

 

By all means, continue on with this man. In a year or two you'll be posting here about him having forgotten your birthday, or that anniversary that you put so much effort into making special.
You'll be lamenting about him being off with his mates, while your lovingly home-cooked supper is sitting on the table going to waste. 
And a few years after that, your posts will be about how he keeps spending money on superfluous and frivolous things, when really the kids need new shoes, the car is on its last legs and the washing machine is making terrifying death thrall noises.

And you'll be literally left holding the baby. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. Maybe I'm smothering him. 

He may feel better wearing condoms if he's worried about ejaculation. He must sense you're trying to fast forward the relationship.

[Alex39]

It's hard to know what to think. I'm on another forum where they think I'm the issue. That I should be okay letting him be loyal and prioritizing his friends. And that I expect too much from him. That he treats me well and I'm too expectant of more, more, more. I don't think this is the case. I'm not some high maintenance girl who needs hangbags and fancy dinners. We literally ate at a Chick fil A on one date. 

And that when he's ill I'm too obsessed with myself and our sex life and not him and how he's feeling. But he typically doesn't tell me right away he's feeling bad and he goes along with our sex life when we both initiate foreplay. Then he'll tell me how he wanted to make me feel good, even though he was ill, and he did it for me. 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may feel better wearing condoms if he's worried about ejaculation. He must sense you're trying to fast forward the relationship.

We take protective measures. 

I'm really not trying to fast track it. I don't want him to move in. I just like to see him a few times a week. He was the one who told his mom and family about me right away. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It's hard to know what to think. I'm on another forum where they think I'm the issue. That I should be okay letting him be loyal and prioritizing his friends. And that I expect too much from him. That he treats me well and I'm too expectant of more, more, more. I don't think this is the case. I'm not some high maintenance girl who needs hangbags and fancy dinners. We literally ate at a Chick fil A on one date. 

And that when he's ill I'm too obsessed with myself and our sex life and not him and how he's feeling. But he typically doesn't tell me right away he's feeling bad and he goes along with our sex life when we both initiate foreplay. Then he'll tell me how he wanted to make me feel good, even though he was ill, and he did it for me. 

What sex life-one week of being sexual is a sex life? Already? And if it is - please know that if his stomach hurts when he performs sexually that sort of movement is similar to running/similar to the physical labor you say he does -he can do physical labor?? With his stomach hurting when he simply moves in a strong way? 

Prioritizing ones friends is fine.  Cancelling on you/last minute rescheduling not fine. If he did that to his friends he wouldn't be prioritizing them either. Totally fine if he says "Friday I have concert tickets with my friend and it's sold out - but let's do something Saturday night" or "in two weeks my friend and I are going to help our other friend move - you can come but it's going to be a long day - so why don't I do that and hopefully I'll be done by __ time and if it looks delayed I promise to let you know/and or go ahead and make other plans." 

Or "honey my friend just called (this is a true story from my own life) -his teenage daughter is at the airport and he is delayed at another airport -he asked if I could just drive the 20 minutes to the airport to meet her and wait with her to get an uber or drive her home -I'm really sorry I know we had dinner plans but he's so worried - is it ok if I say yes -he's helped me in the past." (my husband did this less than 12 hours after he finally got home to us after a trip and I was exhausted).

[Alex39]

I guess I just feel like a natural progression would be to meet his friends and go out more. My best friend doesn't think it's a big deal. And that we have time for this so what's the rush? 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

What sex life-one week of being sexual is a sex life? Already? And if it is - please know that if his stomach hurts when he performs sexually that sort of movement is similar to running/similar to the physical labor you say he does -he can do physical labor?? With his stomach hurting when he simply moves in a strong way? 

Prioritizing ones friends is fine.  Cancelling on you/last minute rescheduling not fine. If he did that to his friends he wouldn't be prioritizing them either. Totally fine if he says "Friday I have concert tickets with my friend and it's sold out - but let's do something Saturday night" or "in two weeks my friend and I are going to help our other friend move - you can come but it's going to be a long day - so why don't I do that and hopefully I'll be done by __ time and if it looks delayed I promise to let you know/and or go ahead and make other plans." 

Or "honey my friend just called (this is a true story from my own life) -his teenage daughter is at the airport and he is delayed at another airport -he asked if I could just drive the 20 minutes to the airport to meet her and wait with her to get an uber or drive her home -I'm really sorry I know we had dinner plans but he's so worried - is it ok if I say yes -he's helped me in the past." (my husband did this less than 12 hours after he finally got home to us after a trip and I was exhausted).

I see what you are saying. It's not necessarily the cancelling, its how he handles it. 

I think we had a miscommunication this last time. He wasn't clear or upfront about his dedication and following through with his friend. I wasnt understanding him and his thought process. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I see what you are saying. It's not necessarily the cancelling, its how he handles it. 

I think we had a miscommunication this last time. He wasn't clear or upfront about his dedication and following through with his friend. I wasnt understanding him and his thought process. 

 

You really are telling yourself that? And that's true of all the other cancellations/rescheduling, etc? Since you whitewash/ignore/revise history here perhaps you are doing this on other forums which in turn will result in different responses. 

[Alex39]

Just now, Batya33 said:

You really are telling yourself that? And that's true of all the other cancellations/rescheduling, etc?

The other cancelations early on hr told me about ahead of time, so I wasn't upset. 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We take protective measures. 

I'm really not trying to fast track it. I don't want him to move in. I just like to see him a few times a week. He was the one who told his mom and family about me right away. 

How do you know that is true -and big deal - in certain families it's common to mention new friends, new plans, dates and in others not so much.  My ex who never fell in love with me had me meet his mom early on, she called me-jokingly Mrs. [his last name] and fawned all over me.  He also loved showing me off to all his friends. Never fell in love.  Ended it 5 months in, met his future wife 6 months later -he was 40 and a former confirmed bachelor/player type.  

Did he tell his mom you'll be buying the groceries for the family camping trip?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

The other cancelations early on hr told me about ahead of time, so I wasn't upset. 

Maybe not anymore.  You were at the time including when he went MIA for days after his first stomach ache and you kept trying to keep in touch hoping maybe he'd reschedule.

IMHO you're coming across as desperate to tell yourself you have a boyfriend and perhaps to tell your friends. I think he senses this too since he can crap all over the plans, blame stuff on his inability to crap properly, and you keep coming back for more and more and ask how high to jump.  Why? If you felt better about yourself would you tolerate this crap?

[boltnrun]

Just now, Alex39 said:

The other cancelations early on hr told me about ahead of time, so I wasn't upset. 

Oh yes you were.

Alex, it's right here in black and white (unless you start hiding your posts again).

You're ignoring all of the responses that clearly show this guy is the opposite of what you claimed to want in a man because they don't suit your narrative. 

I believe your true goal isn't to find the right man for you but rather to just have someone, anyone, you can slap the label "boyfriend" on and then white knuckle it hoping it somehow all works out. And if you just smother your doubts and concerns he will magically end up being your husband someday. And you can finally stop coming up short in comparison with your friends, and your mom will stop harassing you about being unattractive to men.

I fully expect you to ignore this post as you ignore all the posts that pose difficult questions or bring up things you don't want to deal with.

I'm sorry you've chosen to sell yourself short. 

[Alex39]

So unfortunately, we aren't going camping. His family chose that weekend as it was best for them. He's in the military and needs to do his service that weekend. He does this once a month. I was aware of this and I understand. He's really bummed we can't go. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Alex39 said:

So unfortunately, we aren't going camping. His family chose that weekend as it was best for them. He's in the military and needs to do his service that weekend. He does this once a month. I was aware of this and I understand. He's really bummed we can't go. 

And he just now realized that? 

Did his family just now choose the date? You said it had been planned for a while. 

Same thing with the pets he suddenly remembered he had and the "friend" he had to help that took all day.

And what is he going to do with all the camping gear he bought?

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Oh yes you were.

Alex, it's right here in black and white (unless you start hiding your posts again).

You're ignoring all of the responses that clearly show this guy is the opposite of what you claimed to want in a man because they don't suit your narrative. 

I believe your true goal isn't to find the right man for you but rather to just have someone, anyone, you can slap the label "boyfriend" on and then white knuckle it hoping it somehow all works out. And if you just smother your doubts and concerns he will magically end up being your husband someday. And you can finally stop coming up short in comparison with your friends, and your mom will stop harassing you about being unattractive to men.

I fully expect you to ignore this post as you ignore all the posts that pose difficult questions or bring up things you don't want to deal with.

I'm sorry you've chosen to sell yourself short. 

I'm not ignoring it. I think he treats me pretty well and I love spending time with him.  I think as you are growing in a relationship and growing together that you always have some learning curves. We are still knowing each other. I've gotten over what happened. I think I was too emotional and over-expectant of him. He was just trying to be a good friend. He and I have different relationships with our friends. 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

And he just now realized that? 

Did his family just now choose the date? You said it had been planned for a while. 

Same thing with the pets he suddenly remembered he had and the "friend" he had to help that took all day.

And what is he going to do with all the camping gear he bought?

He hadn't bought it yet. He was waiting for confirmation to make sure we could go. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So unfortunately, we aren't going camping. . He's in the military and needs to do his service that weekend. 

It's a blessing. Plan something fun with your friends. 

[Jaunty]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It's hard to know what to think. I'm on another forum where they think I'm the issue. That I should be okay letting him be loyal and prioritizing his friends.

That because you are probably telling a completely different story about the trajectory of this relationship on the other forum.  You even do that here; you act like we don't even know what really has already transpired.

Try telling the exact same story both places and see what happens.

If it's a "relationship forum" and you tell them about how he has "forgotten" more than half of your dates and disinvited you from any of the ones that were supposed to include his friends, you would not be getting that reaction.  Guaranteed.

Also, of course, if you were just "dating" this tool and not playing "boyfriend & girlfriend" with the premature exclusivity talk and fantasizing about your future home, it would be somewhat diffferent. 

 

[Jaunty]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We take protective measures. 

I'm really not trying to fast track it. I don't want him to move in. I just like to see him a few times a week. He was the one who told his mom and family about me right away. 

Will you get it through your head that stuff that comes out of his mouth might be pleasant to hear, but it has NOTHING to do with reality?  The reality is what is actually happening.