Sexually Frustrated borderline resentful. Need advise.

[routinezucccini]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Everything was great in the beginning as it was shiny and new. The sex life was fantastic. Fast forward to the last year and it’s like someone flipped a switch. I went through menopause at 34, I am now 46. He is 44. He wanted me to try HRT, which I finally did and for me it has been a major game changer. I kick myself for waiting so long! During the past year he has mentioned trying different clothes, hair, make up, etc just to make me feel sexier. Which I have spent the last year doing, at his request. Mind you, I have always been a tomboy (not *** by any means) but didn’t really dress up or wear make up let alone fix my hair. I have made so many changes (but I have had fun experimenting with the new me) in the past year that I felt our sex life would greatly improve. It has done quite the opposite. Now we only have sex when he feels like it which is rare. Maybe once a month at best. Most of the time it’s months in between. I try to initiate it, especially in the past few months since going on HRT, but he has not once accepted the initiation. He has come up with an excuse every single time. I am now getting to the point that I sincerely resent him for all these things I have done and changed at his request or “encouragement” and it seems it was all for nothing. I feel like he isn’t attracted to me now no matter what I do. It’s very frustrating and I have no clue what to do or say any more as nothing I have said or done has made any difference and has only started arguments. What do I even do at this point? 

[Batya33]

Im 56 married almost 15 years and we have a son.  I really don't think it's the makeup or clothes that is relevant.  Are you healthy and fit and fit looking? I personally think  that is more important than hair and makeup.  How long did you date before marriage? I'm doing the math and it sounds like marriage was post-menopausal so apparently in the beginning your lack of HRT didn't affect your sex drive? Maybe I'm doing the analysis wrong.

[routinezucccini]

You are correct  in that the marriage started post meno, however I never really had any symptoms during the transition period and it wasnt until about 2 years ago that I started experiencing less desire and other symptoms related. Which was why he suggested the HRT. We are both give or take a pound the same as 5 years ago. We dated for a year before we got married. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, routinezucccini said:

. He wanted me to try HRT, which I finally did and for me it has been a major game changer.

Since he suggested you see a physician, suggest he see a physician for an evaluation of his physical and mental health and get some tests done.

He seems to have libido issues and at his age some physiological changes can happen.

Marriage therapy could definitely help you two get the conversation started about underlying issues and the intimacy.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Before getting into the nitty-gritty (or frustrating lack of it) I'm curious about some things. How are things between you two generally? Do you do fun things together, stay up late occasionally having intimate conversations? Would you say you are still dating, so to speak, even after marriage? And have there been any major stress points in recent years, be it financial or familial or emotional?

Just trying to get a sense of the big picture here, since sexual intimacy doesn't exist in a vacuum.

I'm also curious to hear how this has been brought up in the past, and how it quickly turns to arguments. Can you give an example of that? I can surmise a bit, as it's a touchy subject for many, and one of those, frustratingly, where talking about it can make, well, doing it even harder.

That said, you guys are adults, with an adult problem to solve, and at this stage you're going to have to find a way to talk about it. Do you think he would be open to some counseling sessions? 

 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, routinezucccini said:

You are correct  in that the marriage started post meno, however I never really had any symptoms during the transition period and it wasnt until about 2 years ago that I started experiencing less desire and other symptoms related. Which was why he suggested the HRT. We are both give or take a pound the same as 5 years ago. We dated for a year before we got married. 

Are you both healthy and fit looking? I understand now about the issues. I went through menopause at 53 same as my mom and sister and none of us -luckily! -had those issues so I am sorry you did!  

[routinezucccini]

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

Before getting into the nitty-gritty (or frustrating lack of it) I'm curious about some things. How are things between you two generally? Do you do fun things together, stay up late occasionally having intimate conversations? Would you say you are still dating, so to speak, even after marriage? And have there been any major stress points in recent years, be it financial or familial or emotional?

Just trying to get a sense of the big picture here, since sexual intimacy doesn't exist in a vacuum.

I'm also curious to hear how this has been brought up in the past, and how it quickly turns to arguments. Can you give an example of that? I can surmise a bit, as it's a touchy subject for many, and one of those, frustratingly, where talking about it can make, well, doing it even harder.

That said, you guys are adults, with an adult problem to solve, and at this stage you're going to have to find a way to talk about it. Do you think he would be open to some counseling sessions? 

 

 

This is very insightful. Our relationship out side of this issue is really great honestly. We have a lot of hobbies and are always doing something, we talk about the other important things such as finances, family, etc.  The only major stress point was his mother's passing last year. Now, granted, they didnt have a good relationship, so her passing was more like closure for him on the whole subject of trying to force her to have an actual present relationship and not just one of convenience. 
An example of how the conversations go, just last night I was trying to bring it up as i was wearing a new "lounge dress" that he loved and when I hinted at activity he again was "tired and not in the mood", so I said well, i guess it will happen eventually. His reply was "see! stop doing that. That is such a turn off and makes me not want to at all".  Mind you, this was the first time I had made such a comment, because as I mentioned in the title, at this point I feel like I am getting resentful in that area. 

He used to go to counseling up until last year, mainly because of the anger he held towards his Mom and Dad.  I have mentioned couples counseling, but it's usually met with "eh". 

[routinezucccini]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since he suggested you see a physician, suggest he see a physician for an evaluation of his physical and mental health and get some tests done.

He seems to have libido issues and at his age some physiological changes can happen.

Marriage therapy could definitely help you two get the conversation started about underlying issues and the intimacy.

I have suggested it multiple times. He always retorts with the last time i went to the dr was in high school for a physical. Which my usual response is he is way over due then. 

The libido works just fine when He is in the mood...

[bluecastle]

3 minutes ago, routinezucccini said:

The only major stress point was his mother's passing last year.

Okay, this is pretty major. Regardless of his relationship, losing a parent is a big blow. Can only speak for myself, but I feel more prepared for the death of my mom (with whom I have a great relationship with) than my father (with whom I don’t), so just saying that it’s likely there are still some sharp thorns from that that he’s picking out, even if he’s not articulating it (to you or even himself).

6 minutes ago, routinezucccini said:

An example of how the conversations go, just last night I was trying to bring it up as i was wearing a new "lounge dress" that he loved and when I hinted at activity he again was "tired and not in the mood", so I said well, i guess it will happen eventually. His reply was "see! stop doing that. That is such a turn off and makes me not want to at all". 

I totally understand your comment, in that you’re human and frustrated and in those moments things come out sideways. Still, he’s correct in saying that such comments aren’t going to help either of you, which to my mind brings up a possible way to approach this…

Like: “Hey babe, I made a sharp comment last night and I want to apologize. It came from a place of frustration, from feeling like we haven’t been at our jiggiest lately and I don’t totally understand why. Talking about this isn’t super steamy, I know, but neither is where we are and I don’t want resentment simmering for either of us. What do you say about a few sessions with a counselor? Or do you have any thoughts or feelings you want to share now?”

Or some such. At the very least, approaching it like this lets you tell yourself that you’re doing your absolute best here to get back to jigginess. 
 

 

[routinezucccini]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Okay, this is pretty major. Regardless of his relationship, losing a parent is a big blow. Can only speak for myself, but I feel more prepared for the death of my mom (with whom I have a great relationship with) than my father (with whom I don’t), so just saying that it’s likely there are still some sharp thorns from that that he’s picking out, even if he’s not articulating it (to you or even himself).

Completely understand this one. I have long sensed he wasn't being honest with himself about how he was really feeling. His actions and words do not speak the same things or feelings. 

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I totally understand your comment, in that you’re human and frustrated and in those moments things come out sideways. Still, he’s correct in saying that such comments aren’t going to help either of you, which to my mind brings up a possible way to approach this…

Like: “Hey babe, I made a sharp comment last night and I want to apologize. It came from a place of frustration, from feeling like we haven’t been at our jiggiest lately and I don’t totally understand why. Talking about this isn’t super steamy, I know, but neither is where we are and I don’t want resentment simmering for either of us. What do you say about a few sessions with a counselor? Or do you have any thoughts or feelings you want to share now?”

Or some such. At the very least, approaching it like this lets you tell yourself that you’re doing your absolute best here to get back to jigginess. 
 

 

This is a great idea! I think it sounds non-confrontational, and just conversation, which always works best i have noticed. Thank you. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, routinezucccini said:

I have suggested it multiple times. He always retorts with the last time i went to the dr was in high school for a physical. Which my usual response is he is way over due then. 

The libido works just fine when He is in the mood...

Wow how alarming. He’s in his 40s and doesn’t go for an annual physical ?? I’m very sorry about his mothers passing and it does sound so complicated.  If you possibly can get him to take care of himself and see a physician - there are so many issues he may not be aware of like high BP etc does he see a dentist regularly?

[routinezucccini]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Wow how alarming. He’s in his 40s and doesn’t go for an annual physical ?? I’m very sorry about his mothers passing and it does sound so complicated.  If you possibly can get him to take care of himself and see a physician - there are so many issues he may not be aware of like high BP etc does he see a dentist regularly?

Trust me, I know. It's a very sore subject for me as I do go regularly because I would like to be around to have grandchildren one day and get to see them. 
No, he does not. 

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, routinezucccini said:

It's a very sore subject for me

I am 43 and had my first physical since HS last year, so I can relate to him and to you, in that I went largely because my gf was (understandably) concerned by my attitude. That said, I haven’t had any health issues or behavioral changes, though (as I’ve told gf plenty) I’m grateful for her for giving me a little proactive/preventative push. 

Anyhow, give the above ago and sending you two good vibes on getting back on track. 

[routinezucccini]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

I am 43 and had my first physical since HS last year, so I can relate to him and to you, in that I went largely because my gf was (understandably) concerned by my attitude. That said, I haven’t had any health issues or behavioral changes, though (as I’ve told gf plenty) I’m grateful for her for giving me a little proactive/preventative push. 

Anyhow, give the above ago and sending you two good vibes on getting back on track. 

Thank you! You time and input is so very appreciated! 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, routinezucccini said:

Trust me, I know. It's a very sore subject for me as I do go regularly because I would like to be around to have grandchildren one day and get to see them. 
No, he does not. 

If he doesn't see a dentist or a doctor regularly he won't know if his libido is having issues - he might be fine when he does have sex but -I'm not a doc! - lots of health issues including dental issues can impact male libido.  

[Andrina]

Just curious if you might be spending too much time together, versus certain other couples' who have the opposite problem of not enough time together. Do each of you spend separate time with a friend or two? Do you have any other couples you go on double dates with, or do you have a group of friends you both hang with? Do either of you do a hobby you don't do together?

Besides the great advice you've already been given, maybe start your own hobby you do once or twice a week or start doing a regular buddy outing with a friend. Give him a chance to miss you. I'm not talking about a lot of time here. Just a healthy balance.

I also might initiate non-sexual touch just to reestablish a connection you or he might not realize is missing. You could tell him he looks tired after work and give him a foot massage, without any flirting whatsoever or he might see it as your shot at foreplay. You could also reach for his hand when you're out walking, if you don't normally hold hands. I know it's hard to practice that behavior as he's lacking in sexual effort, but hopefully something like this will have him feeling emotionally closer to you, which might spur on a desire for physical closeness.

I'd probably also engage in conversation such as, "Do you have a bucket list of places you'd like to visit in your lifetime, or things you'd like to try (such as snow skiing, hot air balloon ride, etc.)?" Just by speaking of things like this, you might get entry into his brain as to things going on you might not have known about. As well as perhaps, "Ideally, how do you picture your life in 10 years, such as still living in the same house and the same state?" Things like that.

If all else fails, over a long period of trying and of seeing no good results, you can plainly say, "I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this." Perhaps if he then sees the seriousness of that statement, if he cares, he will agree to counseling and a medical checkup.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[routinezucccini]

20 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I am 43 and had my first physical since HS last year, so I can relate to him and to you, in that I went largely because my gf was (understandably) concerned by my attitude. That said, I haven’t had any health issues or behavioral changes, though (as I’ve told gf plenty) I’m grateful for her for giving me a little proactive/preventative push. 

Anyhow, give the above ago and sending you two good vibes on getting back on track. 

SO! I am so very happy to report that your advice worked like a charm! After a couple of drinks last night, I brought up the conversation, as you suggested, and he started singing like a canary! It was way more topics touched on than I would have ever dreamed! We even talked about him going to the dr for a check up and he agreed to go!  It was a wonderful evening and even better morning! 🙂 

[routinezucccini]

17 hours ago, Andrina said:

Just curious if you might be spending too much time together, versus certain other couples' who have the opposite problem of not enough time together. Do each of you spend separate time with a friend or two? Do you have any other couples you go on double dates with, or do you have a group of friends you both hang with? Do either of you do a hobby you don't do together?

Besides the great advice you've already been given, maybe start your own hobby you do once or twice a week or start doing a regular buddy outing with a friend. Give him a chance to miss you. I'm not talking about a lot of time here. Just a healthy balance.

I also might initiate non-sexual touch just to reestablish a connection you or he might not realize is missing. You could tell him he looks tired after work and give him a foot massage, without any flirting whatsoever or he might see it as your shot at foreplay. You could also reach for his hand when you're out walking, if you don't normally hold hands. I know it's hard to practice that behavior as he's lacking in sexual effort, but hopefully something like this will have him feeling emotionally closer to you, which might spur on a desire for physical closeness.

I'd probably also engage in conversation such as, "Do you have a bucket list of places you'd like to visit in your lifetime, or things you'd like to try (such as snow skiing, hot air balloon ride, etc.)?" Just by speaking of things like this, you might get entry into his brain as to things going on you might not have known about. As well as perhaps, "Ideally, how do you picture your life in 10 years, such as still living in the same house and the same state?" Things like that.

If all else fails, over a long period of trying and of seeing no good results, you can plainly say, "I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this." Perhaps if he then sees the seriousness of that statement, if he cares, he will agree to counseling and a medical checkup.

Good luck and keep us updated.

This is golden advice! Now that I have managed to plug into his emotions/thoughts last night, I am certainly going to put all this into action!  Thank you so very much! ❤️

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, routinezucccini said:

SO! I am so very happy to report that your advice worked like a charm! After a couple of drinks last night, I brought up the conversation, as you suggested, and he started singing like a canary! It was way more topics touched on than I would have ever dreamed! We even talked about him going to the dr for a check up and he agreed to go!  It was a wonderful evening and even better morning! 🙂 

Yesssssss! 

So happy to hear this, and that you two were able to scrape some rust off the nodes and connect. I read somewhere that relationships are a constant dance between connection, disconnection, and repair—an analogy I really liked because it makes room for all of these things to coexist. Seems you guys got into the repair groove last night. Enjoy the tune. 

[routinezucccini]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Yesssssss! 

So happy to hear this, and that you two were able to scrape some rust off the nodes and connect. I read somewhere that relationships are a constant dance between connection, disconnection, and repair—an analogy I really liked because it makes room for all of these things to coexist. Seems you guys got into the repair groove last night. Enjoy the tune. 

❤️ I appreciate your help!