I BROKE NC... Have I done the right thing???

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

 

Here is my last reply on my last post

"UPDATE ---He has a new girlfriend ---I'm hurting so much".

 

--------------

" I'm not doing too good.

 

This weekend has been the most difficult yet...

 

A member of my family passed away & my ex knows who it is. Although he didn't know the person too well. The whole weekend I have been contemplating wether to call him up & let him know.

 

I decided to keep to NC as I know he will hear about it from other people eventually...

 

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here.

 

This is a sensitive subject. The reason I decided to not break contact is because I know I'm feeling a bit weak at the moment & if I were to call...I'm not sure how I would handle it. I also think that by calling him, it would be be like I'm still so worried about what he thinks & that I'm weak & needy in a way.

 

 

I'm really not sure if I should call him...

 

 

Please tell me what you think...

 

 

 

LostAngel

------------------------------------

 

I decided to call him & broke NC today... I'm really sorry if anyone of you are disappointed with me. But it is something that I really felt that I needed to do, due to the circumstances...

 

When I called ---Everything seemed to go fine. I wanted to keep it short & give him the news, then end the call but he kept talking to me & I couldn't just cut him off.... (I'm not sure thats a good thing)

 

I managed to be calm & confident... Which I think he noticed too. He was fine with me & was glad to hear from me & said that he had thought of calling me many times to see how I am but didn't know if he should.

 

I could see that he wanted me to keep talking to him & wanted to catch up... He even called me back to keep chatting.

 

I'm not sure if I have done the right thing here...Because we were on the phone for almost an hour. I just spoke to him about usual things, "catching up" but kept it all calm & light and I was quite aloof. He kept asking me if I was okay & how Iv'e been doing. I just kept saying that I'm doing fine & everything is going cool.

 

I didn't bring up anything about "us" & I never told him that I new about him being with someone new. I THINK AT THIS MOMENT HE THINKS I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT, because I did not bring it up... As he did not mention a thing about her too.

 

I ended the call & all seemed to be fine...

 

 

Now I'm worried about the call going on for so long & regreting that I should of just ended it sooner...that should have not let him continue trying to talk to me as much... I don't know...

 

 

Guys --I know that I cannot read anything into anything that he said to me but it is so hard.

 

I can tell that he still cares about me alot BUT yet still kept from me that that he is with someone. This hurts so much... But I do feel a sense of relief that I had the courage to call & let him know what had happened & that I managed to remain strong. I also am relieved that I did not do anything wrong which I have been thinking for the last month, with great worry.

 

I tried to be myself & was confident & made sure I was not showing any weakness. I tried my best to let him think that I'm doing fine...

 

Please tell me what you think...

 

I really hope that I have not made my position a worse one. I know I messed up with this in that it hasn't been enough time...but I really felt that it needed to be done

 

Please give me your views...

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[mjayne]

Hi lost angel. I think you did really well. And I think the only reason he didn't tell you about the new gf is that you were already sad about the family member passing away. It would of been quite horrible to mention it to you then.

 

Thing to remember is that guys deal with things differently - apparently the way they get over a break up is to quite often find someone that will distract them from their feelings. He is only trying to move on with his life.

 

I think you must to date new people, see what you find out there and see a new side of life. Maybe oneday the 2 of you will drift together, but don't spend each day hoping for it. Things happen for a reason - you figure out the reason oneday but don't over analyze. You got past the break up and you're still alive, and now you're getting past the new gf and you will make it. (it was inevitable-an he'll also find it tough when you get a new bf). It all about stage and even though you feel really weak now, remind yourself that you've made it this far and you've just got to keep going.

 

And no I don't think it was bad to break NC. I think a month is fine anyway, its just a tool to help us cope better especially when you were used to talking to that person every day.

 

Your going to be fine. You're doing really well don't forget that!

[LostAngel]

Hi mjayne

 

Thankyou so much for your view.

 

It helps me so much when everyone here gives there perspective.

 

You know ever since I spoke to him --I feel so much happier, not even about speaking to him but being relieved that I managed to do it & that now I know everything is fine with him & that I havn't done anything wrong. It has been giving me sleepless nights for the last month.

 

I am worried that I did leave the conversation going on for a bit too long though...I just hope I gave him the right impression. That I am confident & am still the great person he knows I can be.

 

I aggree with you that he didn't tell me about her, because of the circumstances. I also didn't want to bring anything up, as I wanted to keep it all light & non pressured. I hope I did the right thing.

 

 

Thanks for your support...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[The_Doc]

Lost

 

Don't chastise yourself about talking for longer than you think was 'healthy'.

 

You both chatted as long as you did because, well you wanted to -- either consciously or subconsciously.

 

Just remember to keep looking after yourself, don't dwell on the call too much, and don't over-analyse what was said, wasn't said, the tone etc etc.

 

My ex regularly calls me (which I'm not sure is healthy) and I have agonised endlessly over the things she has said, the way she has said them etc etc.

 

At the end of the day its actions rather than words that count.

 

Keep smiling and remember whatever you think you are a beautiful person!

[danimal77]

Lost Angel, you remind me so much of myself (how I was not too long ago that is)....

 

I too would ask others for advice, as you did in your PM to me and tell others of how tempted you were and then go ahead with breaking the NC anyways.

 

Well, I did respond to your PM, but it appears that it was a little too late, even though I don't believe that it would have changed the outcome one way or another anyways....

 

My point is this. You are still emotional and it's normal after what you went through this weekend, but calling him under these circumstances is going to make you further dependent on him, emotionally speaking and it will hurt you that much more, because now you are vulnerable and he will NOT be able to be there for him in the way that you want, or more so feel you NEED him to at this point....

 

I highly recommend that for future reference your HEAD should be your guiding force and not your heart, when in regards to him...NEVER act on impulse, desperation, sadness again. Call him up when you are strong and of course he EXPECTED you to contact him during this phase. HE knows you well enough that you STILL rely on him. IT is most important that in this case or any similar ones that you not only prove to him otherwise, but more so to yourself, that you will rely on YOU from now on and don't need his compassion (not like this anyways)....

 

I know this wasn't an excuse to call him up, but having gone through your EXACT situation time and time again with the same woman, I also know that it was not the smartest thing I did. It just got her temporary pity, which lead to her feeling more guilty and that is never good. Call him when you no longer feel the need to and you'll know when that time is right. It's when nothing he can say or do will have an effect on you anylonger...

 

Good luck,

 

Danimal

[LostAngel]

Hi danimal77

 

 

I know what you mean... Because now I'm sort of regretting the call, especially because it may have seemed like I'm fine with all that he has put me through. I hope I have not messed things up further.

 

I tried to be the best I could be but I'm worried it may give him the upper hand... I just tried to be as confident as possible & let him know that I'm fine without him...Even though I have been struggling alot.

 

But I don't know if he took things that way.

 

 

Where do I go from here? Now I keep thinking of everything he said to me... I don't know if I did theright thing.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[The_Doc]

Lost

 

Whats done is done and cannot be undone. Dont beat yourself up about it. We have all been there... I sent an SMS last night I wish I hadnt.

 

Please dont dwell on his words or yours. I do this far too often, and it only drives you crazy. Remember actions count not words.

 

Look after yourself.. we all need to concentrate on healing

[PlayBrat]

Hi LostAngel,

I think you are worrying way too much about what was or was not said. The fact that he kept asking how you were doing says a LOT ..and that he wanted to remain on the phone. You ended the phone call, which is ALSO a plus. Leave em wanting more. He is most likely obsessing about

this as much as you are....although he most likely would never admit this!!

As for him not telling you about the other girl...maybe he is NOT 100% sure he even wants to be with her. Telling you about her would only make him look foolish if it didn't work out...and of course he is leaving that little window open. It sounds like you gave him just enough breathing room..and he is responding to it. You kept your cool, and maintained your dignity...that is certainly an attractive thing he has probably not seen from you in quite a while. Just assume everything is OK.....don't get down on yourself. You WON !!!

Now go out, get your hair done, buy a sexy new outfit and reward yourself!!!

[danimal77]

Lost Angel,

 

Please don't think in terms of who now has the upper hand or who won or who lost. That is not the issue at this point.

 

You mentioned just now how you "tried" to remain strong on the phone. This is exactly what the purpose of working on YOURSELF during NC is for, because eventually, you won't have to try anymore, you will JUST BE and he and everyone else will know it....

 

I advise you not to think too much about this conversation for a good 2 more weeks, at which time, you can decide from there if it would be appropriate to go back in....

 

They key is this: Hold out as long as you can and during this time, you WILL have setbacks (something will remind you of him, etc..), BUT these are the times that are most crucial in holding out even more, because if you can get through that, you will have proven to yourself that all you need is you to be happy....Then, when you overcome those tough times, you will come out stronger and then YOU can decide whether or not YOU want to contact him again...

 

For now, do NOT call him again, because, he is expecting you to. The temptation is WAY TOO EASY and that's why you shouldn't....

 

Good Luck,

 

Dan

 

One more thing, stop doubting yourself and apologizing to all of us for disappointing us. You do this because you have low self-esteem and need even our approval and go ahead, but when you are secure in yourself, you will no longer act on impulse, or question things. The answers will be clear to you...

[ediefy]

A friend of mine once told me that the best way to catch a cat that doesn't want to be caught is to walk away from it. Same goes for horses.

 

And ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. People want the thing they can't quite have, especially if it was once available to them and doesn't seem to be available any longer. So, don't obsess about the phone call or the guy, if you can help it (easier said than done, I know). You did just fine on the phone, from what you said. If you really want to get the guy back (and this is NOT something you can count on, nor should you live your life expecting it), let him go as completely as you can. Really.

 

And, do feel better about yourself. We all think you're great!

 

e.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

Thanks so much for your reply's.

 

 

These couple of days have been quite hectic with everything that has been going on & to make things worse today I found out who he is with.

 

The worst part is that I know her from years ago. He didn't know her as he just met her & I don't think he knows I know her but I'm sure I will come up somewhere along the line. If I havn't already.

 

The problem is that she is not all that great... I know stuff about her & I don't want to be mean but her reputation is not great at all. (I DON'T EVEN THINK HE KNOWS THIS, as his just met her)

 

I can't believe all of this & I just can't believe it is her because she is completely not his type & is completely not what he usualy looks for in a girl & I mean her as a person & and in overall looks.

 

What is he thinking ---I just don't get it... It's like he has become a different person. All of a sudden he has changed his taste/likes/dislikes...It's just not like him.

 

 

I really don't know what to think anymore. I guess its really hard to think that he would give up almost 8 years for this... To be with someone he doesn't even know.

 

 

I have been there for him so much & sacrificed alot & he has put me through so much and this is what he settles for...Maybe its just me but I don't get it.

 

 

I'm starting to doubt myself even more now ---I'm thinking that I'm so much better than this but yet...maybe I am just not good enough.

 

Am I thinking wrong here...am I just thinking this because it hurts...I don't know. HAS HE REALLY FOUND SOMEONE BETTER...

 

I'm lost for words...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[PlayBrat]

Lost....

The fact that your ex is with someone YOU consider a "not so good" person should kind of turn you off to him shouldn't it? I mean..if he would date HER...whats that say about you??

You need to raise the bar...and expect more from people. I don't know you, but judging from your posts, it seems like you don't think much of yourself. This needs to change otherwise you are just going to keep accepting crumbs from people. Unless thats what you want, of course.

Even if this guy came back begging and crawling....would you REALLY want him back now?? After knowing he's been with the other girl? Think about it....it might even start making your skin crawl. If it does...thats a sign that you're moving on...

[ediefy]

LostAngel-

 

I know how hard this is for you--I'm dreading the day I run into my ex with another woman--but I know the day will come, and it'll be hard as anything to deal with. BUT, you really have to let him go with love now.

 

He's doing whatever it is he needs to do at this point in his life and development, and your job is to become the love of your own life. I know that sounds strange, but, believe me, it's really important that you focus completely on yourself, and try to forget about him for now. Trust in the universe--everything will happen in its own time, and you can't force it or make it happen any differently. Faith, patience, trust, and loving yourself. All hard to do when you're feeling the way you are (and sometimes I feel the same way you do, except over the past year, I've become the love of my own life--at least most of the time). Be gentle with yourself, without being hard on him. Just let him go. Love him enough to let him be who he has to be right now, with the people he chooses to be with. That's what unconditional love really is--let him be who he is. And love yourself enough not to torture yourself with what he's doing. Get out of town for a vacation or even a long weekend. Make plans with friends for Friday and Saturday nights, even if you don't feel like doing anything. Take an art class or yoga or join a book group. Yes, it all sounds so corny, but it does work. It takes time. And you are totally worth it. After all, you are the only person you're guaranteed to be spending your entire life with.

 

Hugs to you.

 

e.

[danimal77]

Playbrat, I know you are trying to help LostAngel, but just because your ex, or anyone's ex starts seeing someone else after breaking up with you, either right away, or shortly after, it's nothing to cringe about...

 

It's not what I am about, but I understand why people do it...Sometimes having someone around during the tough times is what someone needs to get over the pain. I used to flip thinking my ex is back on the single chat lines, or is reconnecting with her other ex or another guy so soon after, but I realize that all it is, is a sign of insecurity on their part as well. They need to fill the gap that they created in their own life....

 

Our ex's are NOT our property. They can do what they want and thinking any other way is probably what got A LOT of us into trouble in the first place. It's all about loosening the grip and it also gives them a chance to see how much better WE are, or in some cases, how much better off they are now...They can run, but not always hide and time will sometimes make them realize just who they left behind in the process. I say, if they can do it, so can we...

 

I clearly remember back in February, after having had NC for 2 months with my ex, we started talking again (my call) and she realized how much I was moving on with my life (new job, new place, new found confidence, stability, happiness) and the first thing that made her start chasing me, is when she found out that I was dating (playing the field). She flipped because she realized that I could see for the first time that there are many beautiful women out there and how much they will be getting from me what she gave up on...She told me to take her hand and as a result, I did (but not right away)...Coincidentally, I was layed off of my job for other reasons (not because of her)...My confidence took a major blow and it started affecting how I was communicating with her and after a solid week of me blowing up on a daily basis (shortage of income), she backed off and I didn't stop her, but my situation did not pick up until just now, job wise, but she is not there to see it now and my point is, during this time, she reconnected with another ex of hers and it kills me inside, but I will not fall apart, or chase her like I did in the past....

 

When and if the time is right, I'll call her...I will ask NOTHING of her, but I will call, because I want to and that is how I feel right now and may not be how I feel later on. Time will tell.

[kazman32]

I am in kind of the same situation,I have been broke up with my gf for about 3 months,I found out she was in a long distance relationship,I started chasing and the further she ran.I decided I needed to heal and move on with my life.I wrote a note telling her I wanted all my things,and I wouldn't play #2(I feel she was wanting me as a back up plan)I cleared my stuff out and within a week she has been making casual contact(I started nc)at this point I am healed I know that I can live without her.but I do still have feelings for her,there is a girl at the gym I go to who is interested in me but thus far I haven't asked her out,I like this girl she is very sweet,but if my ex came back I would have to choose the ex.Should I go out with this new girl?I don't want to hurt her beacuse if my ex finds out she might come back and I will choose my ex.But then again I don't know if we will ever be back together again.I don't want to use this girl as a tool to make the ex jealous.I am genuinely attracted to her.not sure what to do????

[danimal77]

Go out with the new girl my man. DON'T even comtemplate it...It's a win win situation, because it will increase your confidence and you will be sending off these great vibes and if and when your ex re-enters into your life, she will feel the change in you. That's what another woman will do for you.

 

Have fun right now (I did) and it just better prepared me for what was to come... Don't worry about hurting this girl, because for all you know, she has her ex on the side as well....lol. You NEVER KNOW!!

 

Final thought: There is nothing wrong with dating others while still having feelings for your ex. It is a healthy thing to do and will bring up your confidence level to where you need it to be...

 

Peace,

 

Dan

[ediefy]

Kazman--

 

You might just ask the woman from the gym out for coffee. You never know, the two of you might click and you might not want your ex back after all. Just keep it light, a nice friendly cup of coffee, nothing more. If nothing comes of it, there's no foul, no injury.

 

And think about why you want the ex back. Who wants to be someone's backup guy? Don't you deserve to be #1?

 

-e.

[kazman32]

Thank you both for the advice,I will take it to heart.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

Thanks again for your reply's...

 

I'm not sure what to think of this but...He called me today. We just spoke about usual things & it went cool. I was calm, happy & confident once again. Which I felt fine with. I think he was feeling a bit down 'cause he sounded it. But I just contiued to be at my best.

 

Why do you think he is calling again? Do you think its because he noticed a difference in me when I called him on Monday?

 

I'm trying to not even read into or even think about what he said. I ended the conversation once again -which is a pro, I guess.

 

Now I'm confused...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[PlayBrat]

Hi Lost...

Glad you're feeling confident and in better spirits.

Your ex very well may have seen the difference in you

and made him curious. People are attracted to positive,

happy people...when you exude that poeple are drawn to it.

Do what you've been doing. My suggestion: If he asks you out...or wants to see you....

turn him down NICELY. Tell him you have other plans...I know it will be hard, but you can't let him think you are a revolving door and he come in and out when HE feels the need. He will become even MORE curious, believe me. Tell him you will get back to him and see when it would be a good time for YOU. This attitude commands respect...

Good luck to you!!

[LostAngel]

Hey

 

Can you believe that he called me again late yesterday... I still kept strong but he was a bit down. After the call I got messages from him on my phone...but only read them this morning...

 

He thinks that I'm with someone...He honestly thinks that & I didn't know what to say ---He thinks that I'm so happy----I didn't even answer them back.

 

I feel so bad for not... so I was thinking of calling him to chat about his messages but I don't know...

 

 

HELP...

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Mix Maxster]

Help what?

 

I'd love to tell you what is right and wrong, but you have to figure that out for your own. Advice is meant as guidance, not the end all to be all. Don't forget that.

 

Now personally, why think too much about it? Why get wrapped up in it? Why put yourself in a position to put yourself into a headspin like this?

 

I'd say do it because you have nothing to lose if you don't set yourself to lose anything. You have everything to lose by doing nothing. Life is honestly too short to put yourself into place for second, live life how you want to. If that means calling him, stop worrying about the outcomes or anything. Just do it and not care about what happens. If it goes good, great, but if not get past it as staying won't move you forward.

 

Just know what you're doing before going in blindly. Play your cards right and you might just win this thing

[The_Doc]

Angel

 

You don't need to tell him anything! You don't owe him any explanations.

 

I read a very good book that says that the person who ends a relationship is always confident and secure until they think they have lost you! You see the break up and know how devestated you are. They know its not what you want and invariably most of us have done some begging and pleading. We have done NC and then broken it in sadness. All of this conveys that we are needy, desperate, and they expect that and take it for granted.

 

Some even (at least subconsciously) even find comfort in that... they know they always have the option to return, to have their cake and eat it.

 

His messages show that he thinks he has lost you. Or is ta least thinking it.

 

I don't know what you want but whatever it is don't respond.

 

If you want him abck, let him continue to reach out -- you see now he is on the defensive, needing reasssurance.

 

If you don't want him back then just keep your distance

 

If you can't or don't want to go NC, just don't initiate contact, don't reply immediately and keep any talk -- small talk.

 

And remember keep loving yourself

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

I think I messed up...

 

I called him, after I got another message this morning...Him wanting to know if I had received his messages.

 

When I called I remained calm & he wanted to know if I read them...He then said he was a bit "out of it" when he sent them & I can answer them if I wanted...

 

We kept talking about usual stuff but then he started talking about it again & asked if I am with anyone...I then asked why he is asking me about being with someone else. He then said he just wanted to know...

 

Eventually I then said well if you really want to know I'm not with anyone at the moment...but when I am I will let you know & I will be honest with you".

 

I then left it but then he was asking me if I have met anyone...Then again he said but have you been with anyone...I then eventually said "Why are you asking ----are you with anyone???" ----He then said he wanted to know about me------I then asked him once again if he was with anyone & he then said ---YES! "SORT OF"...

 

I didn't know what to say I just stood there in silence...

FINALLY I heard the truth from his mouth...but I didn't tell him that Ihad heard that he was with someone-------I stayed silent, & then he said but you new I was --I told you. I then said NO that when he told me --he justsaid he had met someone & wasn't with them....He then said ..."it gets lonely---thats why".

 

I WAS SPEECHLESS... Then he said he better go & cut the conversation short---then said he would speak to me later...

 

 

I don't know what to make of this....& now that all that came up I'm not sure I said the right things & I'm not sure where I stand... I don't even know if he is going to call later like he said...

 

Another thing is that he said "SORT OF" ---It doesn't make sense surly you are with someone or not... he also sounds down...

 

 

I really don't know what to think NOW... Do you think I've messed up by calling him & for saying I'm not with anyone & for asking if he is with someone...

 

I'm so worried that I've messed up...

 

 

Please tell me what you think

 

Should I tell him that I did know because I heard it from other people?

 

I just don't know...this hurts...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

 

I think I'm really back to square 1.... I really think that I messed up everythhing now...I am regreting calling him so much...

 

It's like he got what he wanted...He knows what he wanted to know...And where am I ---JUST LEFT HERE with NOTHING & feeling worse than I did.

 

I am hurting alot now...especially because I think that he did this just to see if I have moved on...& I couldn't of done worse... I played right into his game...

 

Even though I tried hard to not let him know he still has a hold on me...but I think he thinks I still do.

 

 

I don't even think he is going to call me later like he said... He has messed me up so bad... I was doing so well and NOW I'm ruined...

 

 

 

LostAngel