Having doubt when everything is pretty good

[SB78]

I am 45 and divorced with two children ages 10 and 8. A few years ago, I met my current partner, 41, also divorced with 4 children ages 5, 7, 11 and 15. When we met, we pretty much hit it off right away, and when our kids met about a year later, they also hit it off right away. We all moved in together last summer, and have been a happily blended family since. Our kids now share bedrooms with each other, and consider each other siblings. 

Everything is seemingly perfect, yet, I have doubts here and there. Things aren't always that easy. Our schedules aren't perfectly aligned yet (we are working on it, but exes are a bit resistent), and we therefore don't have a lot of time alone for each other. And when we don't have the kids, he is often required to work very late (he sometimes has to work late when he has his kids also). It' not uncommon that he works 80 hours in a week! Furthermore, him having 4 children, his ex often needs help with taking one of the kids to activities on our weekends off, therefore leaving even less time for each other.

We've also been having some disagreements around various topics such as parenting style, how we want our home to look and be organized (he is very much of a minimalist while I like to have lots of pretty things everywhere), eating in versus going out etc. As we both spent two decades with our previous partners, and although we both clearly weren't compatible with these previous partners, we both kind of "grew up" with them, and were aligned in most of these ways with them: parenting, activities, home decoration etc., and we are both struggling to adjust to the other.

Outside of these issues, we have an amazing relationship. When we do find time for each other, I feel a deep sense of connection to him, and we have a wonderful time together. We also have a really great sex life! Although we have some misalignments, we share the same values, and have connected deeply on issues of social justice which we both feel strongly about. We are aligned in living our lives in a way that is considerate of our planet and other people, in a way that gives more than we want to receive, and is there for others when they need us. Furthermore, we have not only succesfully blended our children, but also our families and friends. We both get along really well with each other's parents, siblings and friends, which has been a relief for both since that wasn't the case with our exes. Also, I should add that he is extremely devoted to me, and has repeated on numerous occasions that he wants to grow old together. He's also suggested that we get married, but I don't really see the point of it at this stage of our lives.

And yet, I often find it hard. A blended family is not the same, and although I love his children, I will never feel the same way about them as I feel about mine. When he has to take one of his kids to an activity on our weekend alone together, I get this annoying feeling like I'm competing with his children for time with him. It's irrational, but I feel sad that he didn't say no to his ex to prioritize our time together. And our misalignments over other things just throws oil on my fire. I guess I wish it were easier, that our relationship were easier. 

I do discuss these things with him, and we've also been seeing a couple therapist twice a month to help us navigate some of these issues. He feels pulled into many different directions, he says, and like he can't make anyone truly happy. He wishes his work were less demanding, but he's very good at it (and loves it). He also gets compensated nicely, and since he has to pay a lot of child support, he needs the extra income. He does wish somewhere down the road, when there are less expenses, to start his own company and have more control over his time. But that's a decade down the road. He also says that he really wishes that we had more time for each other, that I'm not the only one that needs to feel connected. But he can't say no when his ex needs his help to navigate the kids' activities. He doesn't want them to miss out on things, and he feels that by having had these children, he's made a committment to support them in their development and passions.

All that to say that I do feel lucky to have found a truly wonderful man, and have a pretty amazing new life situation. Am I crazy to feel doubt? To sometimes feel uneasy?

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, SB78 said:

 we've also been seeing a couple therapist twice a month to help us navigate some of these issues. 

Couples therapy is a great idea. There's a lot of adjustments for both of you and both your children. 

How long were you dating before you moved in together? Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? 

It make take a while to adjust but it seems like you're doing ok, considering all the complications of a blended family.

[SB78]

We were together a year and a half before moving in together. He moved into my place. It's a bit thight with 6 kids (we are using every inch of the house, and had to rent storage), and perhaps we could find a better balance from a location point of view, something more balanced between the school of his kids' and mine. Before he moved in, we did discuss buying something more suitable together, but the real estate market was a bit wonky (still is!), and we thought that it perhaps wasn't a bad idea to see how things go, before getting all financially entangled. We had a long discussion around investments, assets etc, and realized we would need to see a financial advisor, and sign a financial agreement before buying property together, and then got a bit exhausted about it all, and decided to first see how things go, and reassess in a year. We are coming close to the end of that year though!

[Coily]

It's natural to feel doubt, it's human nature to think that the other shoe will drop.

It's in a way a "high risk" relationship, so that will also put you a bit on the look out for something to happen. However looking for trouble will cause it if you keep digging.

That said, it sounds like the real issues you have found are being addressed. Now there could be other issues waiting to happen, but you don't have to be naive to keep going if the fundamentals are sound.

[Batya33]

I agree with this input. Also while it’s lovely to have a common cause like social Justice perhaps now is the time to focus more on devoting to the individuals in your family than in causes. Surely if the whole family or some of the kids want to do a volunteer activity related to social Justice that’s awesome but if your time spent on social Justice takes away from family time I’d prioritize the family. 
As far as how to keep your home perhaps you each get a space that’s yours to either minimalize or put pretty things in ?
Unless your pretty things are plants or fine artwork aren’t certain pretty things made in places where social Justice or being good to the planet isn’t a priority ??maybe you can donate or recycle as part of your cause  

of course you’re more devoted to your kids than to his  and of course it’s normal to feel annoyed when he is busy with his kids  but it’s also what you signed up for and it sounds like the pros outweigh the cons  

 

[Cherylyn]

For his minimalist preference vs. your pretty things,  perhaps both of you can strike a compromise.  I myself prefer an organized home vs. chaos and "I can't find anything" or too much clutter which drives me nuts. 

Eating out vs. dining in should be about economics.  If you can afford it and it saves time and if you don't mind higher prices for convenience and non-homemade taste, then do take out with abandon.  If saving money is important and you're staying within a budget,  then cook extra with leftovers in mind and go the economic route. 

My in-laws eat out a lot and it gets expensive whereas I cook several times a week with leftovers in mind and I save a lot of money plus it tastes delicious.  I've noticed dine out / take out food is very high in sodium and if I were to buy dessert,  it tastes excessively sweet.  I tend to make my homemade food not too salty and my desserts are not sickeningly sweet.  I prefer to control salt and sugar intake as does my husband and sons.

Blended families are not as harmonious as 'The Brady Bunch' sitcom. 

As for limited time due to his 4 kids and your 2 kids,  well that comes with the territory.  There's only so much of him to go around especially since he has twice as many kids as you have!  Time,  energy and money are limited.  He's spread thin and his kids take priority over you.  Kids require a lot of time,  energy and resources.  There's not much left over from a parent after they've expended themselves to the max.

Your doubts will be less when you accept the reality of this situation and very crowded picture.  This is the price to pay for bringing in children from previous marriages and trying to make it work.  It's complicated with so many kids and adults combined.  Make the best of this situation and you will be ok.

[smackie9]

Adjustment is never easy especially juggling jobs and all those kids! The stress is what's giving you doubts...it's hard on the brain and will give you unhealthy thoughts. To make things easier is to set aside one date night a week to take a breather and feel like an adult. The 15 year old is old enough to babysit for a couple of hours. Or plan a weekend when the kids can get dropped of at the grandparents. Kids can step up and take on more responsibility cleaning up after themselves, getting themselves ready for school, helping with dinner/making lunches, etc. IMO it's about being more organized, and assigning everyone a chore, big or small to take the load off. 

By the time I was twelve, I was doing everything. Cleaning the house twice a week, doing my own laundry, starting dinner, cleaning up after dinner, cutting the lawn, etc.