Long-distance, fomo, anxiety

[Rsbbtt]

I'm a 21-year old student and I'm currently doing a semester abroad in a foreign country. I got married last year and my husband (I will call him my boyfriend because I still feel a little weird calling him my husband) is still in my country. Before I went abroad I was always very introverted and quiet and me and my boyfriend always did very relaxing things like watching Netflix. Since I came here I've been doing so many things I never would've done like going out and clubbing. I never really had the opportunity to do this at home since all my friends are not really the going out type people. But my friends here are and I'm really enjoying these things and I feel like I've missed out on a lot back home. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we decided to get married last year because he's from China and due to COVID I have never met his family. The only way for me to get into China was to get married since I would then be officially family and China still had its borders closed for tourists. We've always talked about getting married and having a family so we thought let's just do it now since we want to anyway. Now that I'm here I keep feeling like I've missed out on a lot of things like going out with friends but also in my dating life. My boyfriend now is also my first real relationship and seeing my friends here being able to do things that I'm not (like approaching random guys while clubbing etc) makes me doubt my relationship. I feel like I settled down too fast and now my future is completely decided. I've always struggled with mental health issues and these feelings are making me very anxious and stressed the past time. I've been experiencing panic attacks and this constant feeling down.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Rsbbtt said:

I feel like I settled down too fast

I agree. 

You're very young and wanting to do the things most very young adults want to do. In other words, you're spreading your wings and realizing you're growing in a different direction. You didn't get married for the right reasons. It's essentially a marriage of convenience, and you can see now why that doesn't work. You're not even comfortable calling him your husband. Your gut is trying to tell you that you're not ready for this. 

I would see about getting the marriage annulled. It won't be easy, but I don't think this marriage is going to last anyway. That's okay, but you need to act soon and decisively. 

[poorlittlefish]

You've discovered that there's more to life at the tender age of 21 than watching Netflix and that's OK.  Most 21-year-olds want to do what you are now doing and will think that they're far too young to get married.  If you back to the man you married, you will resent him and it's likely things will turn nasty.  He's a nice guy who deserves someone whose interests better match his own.  That's no slight on you, but it's not fair to keep being married to him when you're out in nightclubs approaching random guys. 

Let your husband know that you've decided marriage isn't for you and move back in with your family when you get back home.  That way, you're free to do more than approach guys (if you haven't been doing more already) and he's free from sitting and waiting for his wife to return.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Rsbbtt said:

 We've always talked about getting married and having a family so we thought let's just do it now since we want to anyway. Now that I'm here I keep feeling like I've missed out on a lot of things like going out with friends but also in my dating life. 

How long will you be away for this semester? Since you're legally married and wanted to marry anyway, you'll have to get used to being apart for the time being. 

While it's tempting to get caught up in the campus scene and partying, you're really there to study, no? 

If you are experiencing anxiety and mental health issues either chronically or from being homesick/away from home, the solution is not partying and clubbing, the solution is to see if they have student health services and get some counseling and advice on how to cope.

You're not really missing out on anything. You are young and can have a social life there and when you return home. As long as you're not getting drunk or cheating it's fine to socialize with other students.

When you get home you can use this experience to improve your marriage by going out more and having more fun. You don't have to hang around watching movies all the time.

[Batya33]

My friend's daughter is 26 and got married at 17 to her long term boyfriend (he was 19) and they now have 3 kids.  She had no FOMO.  She had no desire to be with anyone but him, no desire to party or go to clubs etc.  She did feel overwhelmed being a teenage mom but and had some PPD but her husband and she are in love and committed and he takes great care of her and their family. It's not always about age. Another friend got married in the late 80s at age 21 to her 22 year old fiancee, they had a son about 5 years later, very happily married at this very moment.

This situation would have happened even if you were 40 because your FOMO would have simply been FOMO of whatever it was that was unfulfilling as married.  Whether partying, traveling, freedom from joint financial decisions, being able to live where you like - the main issue is you even don't want to refer to him as your husband or think of yourself as a married person.  Because you don't want to be married.  I agree with annulment and it's good you're doing a semester abroad!

[boltnrun]

I got married when I didn't really want to. And that caused all sorts of issues. I'm not saying there should never be a single moment of doubt or that there shouldn't be nerves on your wedding day. But you don't seem to want to be married.

If you don't want to be married and don't want to put in work to try to change your own mind (which I'm not sure is the right idea anyway), please be honest with your husband and say so.