My impulsive love letter

[Fhv11]

Hey all

I really need to vent and get some opinions on this letter I (30,M) gave this girl (around the same age).

 

Backstory:

 

We met in a rehab clinic and where in touch daily for 5 weeks.

We got along pretty quickly and things seemed to be going naturally.

At a certain point I caught feelings for her and started getting a hard time controlling these emotions, considering the fact that we had to live under the same roof 24/7 with alot of stuff going on.

Do note that she was the only girl with 19 guys around, of whom most where trying to flirt with her and hook up with her.

Personally, I have been emotionally unavailable due to some past experiences and a rough childhood, and she has her own problems (including an abusive boyfriend whom she's still trauma-bonded to).

 

I decided to embrace the possibility of rejection, telling her I have feelings for her.

I told her she's the ***, I really like her and that we could hang out and do some fun stuff when out of the centre.

She reacted in a very positive manner.

The next day her look felt like pure attraction and then it the depth of this feeling really struck me.

I tried giving her space when she needed it, tried to control these emotions, and started blushing when one of the working people asked me about her.

I lied due to the fact that I didn't want to ruin my chance of dating her, since falling in love equals receiving prohibition to keep seeing each other.

 

I promised her I would write her a letter before she left, and this is where I'm at now...

For days I kept getting stuck in my writing, trying to say something, but constantly worrying and not being able to fully express myself.

So, the day before she left, I decided to ignore the gut-feeling saying I should just let it be, and I started writing my first thought...

Four pages in which I tried to uplift her spirit, followed by the following two pages...:

"Dearest,

 

Before I finish this letter, I wanted to tell you the following.

The day at the bench, the conversation we had, isn't something I usually do.

It's a step inside a chamber of my heart which I, due to multiple reasons, keep hidden.

Why it did take place with you, became evident afterwards.

 

The morning after our talk, when we passed each other, and you were smiling radiantly, it really struck me: a desire for you - and only you.

Even though I'll be entering the normal world soon, flooded with people, no woman will be able to match this feeling.

The more it loosens, the more pure it feels.

You - really - make me feel this way.

I'm taking it with me, holding on to it.

 

I told you back then, and I'm telling you now: You're an amazing woman!

The way you've been here, the way you are now, and the way you will definitely be in the future.

 

I tried my best not to let these feeling get in the way of the program and, considering their intensity, I did an okay job.

Even though I started blushing when one of the workers mentioned your name, there wasn't any way to control it.

But *** what they make of it.

 

Do not worry, even though I carry this feeling in my heart, and you're not around, for me, this equals strength.

I'm a warrior: always have been, always will be.

(Her name), I want to thank you for having been this person for me.

Regards"

 

So, without actually re-reading and reworking it, I decided to give this full package of letters to her, with the last one being the words I just wrote.

Initially I felt proud of having been able to verbalize this, but afterwards some kind of fear starting kicking in.

What the *** did I write?

And why the *** did I give it to her?

Somehow I can't shake the feeling that these words come across as too much; creepy; and I have the feeling I might've disturbed her...

 

Before she left, with this letter, I told her to take her time and see how she feels.

She also gave me a (short) letter in which she wrote that after multiple attempts, she was gonna let it go.

Asking me if I could contact her about my future plans on monday, a call which immediately when to the busy tone.

 

And now I feel stuck, insecure, as I don't know what impact the letter had, I don't know if I scared/pushed her away and I'm clueless as to whether she still wants to see or hear me...

 

Chances are I'll meet her again in another centre, since we both got the same advice, in the same place, for a follow-up.

 

I really need some advice; your opinions on the part of the letter; and just some input.

 

Thank you very much!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Fhv11 said:

.She also gave me a (short) letter in which she wrote that after multiple attempts, she was gonna let it go.

Chances are I'll meet her again in another centre, since we both got the same advice, in the same place, for a follow-up.

All you can do is see if she gets in touch. What is she going to "let go of"?

[Batya33]

I think it's a lovely letter and the risk of such a letter is you are not there when the person reads it unless you save it and read it to the person in person and the risk is not getting a response or not getting the response you hoped for.  I would assume she is not interested in keeping in touch and doesn't share your feelings for her. I would move on right now. I'm really sorry.  If she contacts you in the future you can deal with it then. I'm glad you're on the mend.

[boltnrun]

You are going through a very emotional and difficult time. I can see how you could view this woman as your "savior" or putting her on a pedestal. Your options for romantic involvement are likely quite limited, at least for now. This elevates her in your mind. 

Are you encouraged to form romantic attachments to other residents in the treatment facility? Are you encouraged to keep in touch once the program is completed?

[Fhv11]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is see if she gets in touch. What is she going to "let go of"?

She let go off trying to write me a full letter before her departure.

Hence, I got the talk to you later and stay strong letter.

[Fhv11]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You are going through a very emotional and difficult time. I can see how you could view this woman as your "savior" or putting her on a pedestal. Your options for romantic involvement are likely quite limited, at least for now. This elevates her in your mind. 

Are you encouraged to form romantic attachments to other residents in the treatment facility? Are you encouraged to keep in touch once the program is completed?

Not per se, since all the other residents were men.

I don't know about the female population in the next one, but I'm just gonna keep myself in check and, despite these feelings, not let this get the best of me.

I'm definitely encouraged to keep in touch and without a doubt the flame will rise again if I see her again, but, everything considered, I'm going to leave the ball in her court; it's the hardest route of them all, but definitely the one which makes you stronger and more resilient.

She knows the way I feel and it's up to her now.

Things are way too fresh anyway.

Time to move on and just try use this as fuel to keep growing.

[Cherylyn]

Well,  even though my story is not the same as yours,  I've written draft letters and after mulling it over,  I decided not to send it after all.  I can't speak for everyone but I've found that letter writing (electronically or otherwise) can sometimes be ineffective or have negative effects.  It's better to have either an in person conversation or at least a phone call.  Chances are the outcome will be better.  Long winded letters are not always received positively.  To the contrary,  it can be overwhelming for the recipient to absorb and something gets lost in translation.  Good,  old-fashioned in person verbal dialogue or a phone call is so much better because there's back 'n forth conversation,  a real voice,  expressions,  common courtesy is practiced,  there are better manners and it's more pleasant. 

With letter writing,  it's easier to ignore and not deal with a response or a response is postponed and by that time,  your letter grew stale.  Immediacy of an in person conversation or phone call keeps the dialogue alive and well. 

Also, letter writing can get corny and sappy and not everyone is receptive to it.  😒

Don't be afraid and fear not.  Go back to in person conversations or a phone call,  express how you feel then and ask her how she feels as well.  It's still the best form of communication IMHO.

[Fhv11]

She did hit me up last saturday, in a message.

After texting back 'n forth until monday, I proposed we can always chat-up through a phone call.

To which she replied sure, with pleasure (last monday).

 

Told her I would hit her up during the week - conciously waiting until I found myself in a better headspace to actually have a phone conversation with her.

This morning, two days later, when I wanted to text her the available times, I suddenly noticed her Whatsapp picture gone.

So I message asking if she's available today, tomorrow or friday evening.

Now I guess there's only two options:

1) She replies and we chat.

2) She deleted my number during those two days...

(I do wonder why it would happen that quick...?)

I'm going to practice patience until friday, and if no reply, move on.

 

Also, what can I do to stop overthinking all this stuff?

Everytime I think about it I get stuck in this endless loop of doubt and uncertainty...

Like, how do I make myself believe that, despite all of this, I didn't do anything wrong?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Fhv11 said:

I'm going to practice patience until friday, and if no reply, move on.

That's all you can do. Stick with therapy and follow up. Keep in mind you're both going through a lot of transportation right now.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's all you can do. Stick with therapy and follow up. Keep in mind you're both going through a lot of transportation right now.

Sorry. Transitions.