Trying to heal

[Cherylyn]

In some ways,  I'm reminiscent of you @Astrogirl.  Even though my stories are not the same as yours,  sentiments have parallels.  I too had bouts of longing and yearning to recapture good times with a person in a relationship / friendship which went awry.  I remember goodness in certain people.  I want to revert to how it was when the relationship or friendship thrived.  For various serious reasons, the relationship or friendship soured.  I always have to remember that badness cancels all former goodness in a person.

For me,  it was about betrayal,  deceit and lies which overtakes my memories and knocks common sense back into my brain.  Bad memories of a person's lack of integrity are vivid reminders as to why it would be foolhardy to make amends.  Taking grave risks to associate with said person(s) again is very risky and dangerous.  It's like gambling and losing every time is the norm.   I will not benefit.  There is nothing to gain and it is unrewarding.  

I'm passive,  tend to forgive despite multiple,  very serious transgressions committed by the perpetrator and I'm nice.  Well,  that only works for so long before I feel like a sucker,  doormat and a big fool.  Lately,  I'm wary and jaded.  I discriminate easily.  I size people up more shrewdly before I waste my time,  energy,  resources,  labor and life on a person.  I'm not as impulsive as I was years ago and it has since saved me a lot of grief,  angst,  stress and trouble.  

Slow down and think things through.  It's a great big world out there.  Some people have no qualms gaslighting you and they're a tricky lot.  They show their truest ugly colors with vicious words out of their mouth.  They're very scary.  Empathy is not part of their consciousness.  They're immoral to the core.  During your lifetime,  you will constantly weed out the bad apples.  A lot of people don't play by the rules of common decency and common courtesy.  It is the way of the world.  

Trust is priceless and earned.  Once trust is no more,  it is dead and gone.  Relationships / friendships will never be the same.  It's better to end it permanently so healing and recovery transforms to grateful relief. 

Don't get hurt anymore.  Grow thicker skin and develop street smarts.  You will survive and you will be fine.  Be strong and tough.  Chin up.

[boltnrun]

BTW, I still trust people. I am not "hardened", "jaded" or distrustful of others. What I AM doing is paying attention when someone treats me poorly. I will say something once and if they continue or make excuses or try to deflect blame I simply remove them from my life. But I refuse to slink through life expecting everyone to be gaslighters or narcissistic liars who will betray me every chance they get. Because most people are actually decent. 

Thing is, that guy isn't decent. He used you for his own ego and possibly to make his so called ex jealous. Now that he's back in the toxic mess he loves so much he doesn't need you anymore.

And also BTW, he isn't trying to keep you in his life because he loves you so darned much. It's because he wants to be able to use you when he and his true love are having a spat. He also enjoys how you're willing to take abuse from him and keep coming back for more. He figures you'll always allow him to use you because you don't love and respect yourself. 

Prove him wrong by keeping him completely removed from your life. 

[Astrogirl]

I’m honestly so grateful for all your amazing advice. There is many good parts I can keep coming back to. 

[eastcoastgal]

On 4/22/2023 at 4:39 AM, Astrogirl said:

I blocked my boyfriend from social media but he has text me through normal text messages. I didn’t respond but now I’m scared I will never hear from him again even though he’s betrayed me in the cruelest way. I just want to heal from this but also want to hear from him. I feel so emotionally weak. Any advice to overcome my vulnerability is welcome. 

You are trauma bonding. It's a normal response to abuse or trauma. You need to stop all contact with this person. He betrayed you and you're hurt. You gut is telling you what you already know but your heart still wants him. Suck I know and it's a cruel thing that our own mind plays this trick on us but there are ways to get past it. Be strong and have some self respect. Focus on yourself.

[spinstermanquee]

On 4/22/2023 at 5:24 AM, Astrogirl said:

His excuses were impressive. He actually convinced me it was all in my head.

This is called "gaslighting" and is a hallmark of abusers - turn it back around on the person like *they* did something wrong, takes the focus off their bad behavior - in this case, his cheating.  Please block him everywhere, there is no good to be gained from continuing to drink his toxic koolaid.