My parents are constantly fighting over the same issue

[Chaeryoung]

Hi. 26 F. Momentarily living with my parents. 

To make it short: they have been living in a flat in a beautiful city for more than 20 years. My father was born in the city and is accustomed to city life, while my mother was born at the countryside, in a small village near the town. 

Two years ago they were about to part ways after interminable fights over the fact that my mother wants to buy a house in a rural area and move, while my father doesn't want that at all. The fact is that my mother is quite financially dependent on my father because he earns more, and she often resorts to manipulation in an attempt to get him do what she wants. 

The apartment where we live now is hers, she inherited it, and often times she warns us that she will sell it and move. She earns minimum wage, so it will be difficult for her to sustain herself. Also, my grandmother, the mother of my mother tries to turn my mother against me and my father and tries to convince her to buy a house saying that we will follow her in the end. 

Anyways, what I don't like is the stress I am under due to this. Two years ago I was still a student and had problems concentrating due to their fights. 

Now I am planning on changing my current job and live with them for a time period. 

I just cannot stand it anymore. It damages my mental health. I've been having anger outbursts lately..

They never got along well, but I know they will never have the real courage to split up. They are beyond toxic and I just cannot take it anymore. 

I needed to tell you this as I don't have friends to talk this issue with. 

Thanks for reading. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are subject to this sort of conflict.  You have to balance pros and cons.  You are saving $ but at what cost? My father was really difficult to live with -he had a mental illness. I lived with my parents throughout grad school and moved out at age 28.  It was hard but I made that choice -financially.  I had no fears of living alone and I lived alone for about 15 years after I moved out and it was great. 

The $$$ I saved living with my parents while a student was probably about $60-70k plus and it made a huge difference once I moved out and started paying off my grad school loans. 

There also might be a hybrid solution -can you find a place like a coffee shop or library or somewhere on campus so you basically come home to sleep only? And yes - cut off all conversations involving putting you in the middle of things.  Do it over and over again. IMO.

[Seraphim]

It is time not to live with them . 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

 I don't have friends to talk this issue with. 

Sorry this is happening. Talk to friends and other neutral family. Don't get caught up in their marital conflicts. In the meantime be very busy, even if you have 2 jobs, so you're out of the house as often as possible..

Start researching ads for affordable housing, roommates, rooms, etc.  It seems like a toxic household so unfortunately the only solution is to find your own peaceful place.

 

[Chaeryoung]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Talk to friends and other neutral family. Don't get caught up in their marital conflicts. In the meantime be very busy, even if you have 2 jobs, so you're out of the house as often as possible..

Start researching ads for affordable housing, roommates, rooms, etc.  It seems like a toxic household so unfortunately the only solution is to find your own peaceful place.

 

I really don't have people to talk to. My family is small. I am not in close contact with other members. And I don't have close friends either.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

I really don't have people to talk to. My family is small. I am not in close contact with other members. And I don't have close friends either.

What are you going to do to change your social situation? Do you do volunteer work? Go to a gym? Are there walking or hiking groups around? Are there professional networking events? Book clubs at the local library? Karaoke nights you can attend?

[Chaeryoung]

Just now, Batya33 said:

What are you going to do to change your social situation? Do you do volunteer work? Go to a gym? Are there walking or hiking groups around? Are there professional networking events? Book clubs at the local library? Karaoke nights you can attend?

The city is very small. Not too many activities or social events to pursue and the mountain isn't close. It is quite isolated. Loneliness doesn't really bother me. The only time it becomes a problem is when I go through a stressful event and I don't have some sort of support. 

[Chaeryoung]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What are you going to do to change your social situation? Do you do volunteer work? Go to a gym? Are there walking or hiking groups around? Are there professional networking events? Book clubs at the local library? Karaoke nights you can attend?

Also, when I was living in a bigger city - that was a few months ago, I used to go out alone a lot. I am very friendly by nature although I am an introvert, but to be honest, nowadays it is harder to form strong connections. I remember you once mentioned your age (not particularly sure if it is a generational thing tho), but I truly believe that it is way harder to form authentic friendships nowadays. 

I had my share, I had close friends, but now they are all gone for different reasons. So I quite lost hope of finding people that could become my friends. Real friends. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Chaeryoung said:

The city is very small. Not too many activities or social events to pursue and the mountain isn't close. It is quite isolated. Loneliness doesn't really bother me. The only time it becomes a problem is when I go through a stressful event and I don't have some sort of support. 

Yes so making friends isn't really about getting support - friendship should be reciprocal and based on shared interests not dependency.  Where is the nearest place that is not as small?

Does your small city have:  a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, community or church theater (to volunteer backstage), etc? Have you checked? The more you are out there engaging with people the less you will physically be at home and the better your perspective will be.  As you see your mother's passivity and passive-aggressive stuff really hasn't worked out so well for her.  Being passive and resigning yourself to excuses as to why you can't be out there making a life for yourself isn't really the best option IMO.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Chaeryoung said:

Also, when I was living in a bigger city - that was a few months ago, I used to go out alone a lot. I am very friendly by nature although I am an introvert, but to be honest, nowadays it is harder to form strong connections. I remember you once mentioned your age (not particularly sure if it is a generational thing tho), but I truly believe that it is way harder to form authentic friendships nowadays. 

I had my share, I had close friends, but now they are all gone for different reasons. So I quite lost hope of finding people that could become my friends. Real friends. 

I disagree. My  3 nieces are ages 26-35 and they have friends and make friends and have authentic friends.  My friend's daughter is almost 26 and has had a harder time because of the pandemic but she lives on her own, works and has friends and does activities.  I know of many women in their 20s and 30s who have good social lives and good friends.

Actually technology makes it much easier to meet people and then meet people in person.  I'm 56.  I've had close friends for the last 47 years or so.  In the 1980s and 90s I made friends and kept in touch with friends through landlines and snail mail and being out there.  I've made authentic friends over the last 5 years -moved to a new, smaller city in 2009 after 43 years in a huge city -I knew no one here -through volunteer work, events, religious activities, my part time job.  Actually not through my role as a mom although I met a few parents that way. 

Who cares if it's harder or easier or whatever.  Everything I ever really wanted I had to work my behind off for often for decades.  What about you?