Need some clarity

[eastcoastgal]

I have posted about the same topic in other topics but I am in need of some clarity.

Why would someone who says they are committed to a relationship with you, and want to make it work, feel the need to paint you in the worst possible light to everyone he knows. To take every personal detail you've ever told them, all your weaknesses and twist them to make you look like an unstable person. To complain to everyone yet not say a word about their discontent to you. Not talk to you about ANYTHING that they were feeling, but constantly lean on other people. And seek out people who are not objective and who respond with hostility ....

What is wrong with this person??!!!

I think I know but it all just seems too hard to comprehend....

[Jaunty]

It's obvious that they don't want to make a relationship with you work, and they are NOT on your side, they don't have your back, and they're a terrible choice for you.  You need to move on from this person.

[catfeeder]

I've seen a lot of this stuff, and not just when someone wants to leave a romantic relationship, but also when leaving a job or heading off to college or moving from a neighborhood--they sometimes feel a need to build a 'case' against those they are leaving, as though that will somehow make it easier.

It's like they want to talk themselves into feeling justified by making a villain out of someone else.

You might find it helpful to look into terms like deflection and projection.

While it might seem safe to say that healthy people don't do this, I've been shocked by certain people I've seen reach for the tactic. It's like they regress into a whiney victim child. I've reminded several people, "Look, you've already given notice and accepted another job, so why are you suddenly picking at nits with everyone?"

In your case, I've looked at your posts, and you may want to remind yourself that the guy was no picnic. You were upset enough to break up with him back in November, so you must've had a rocky road with him before then, and you've since complained about him for months. So why tell yourself that you're so shocked that he ended up being a jerk? It wasn't sudden.

Even horrible people can fake fabulousness during a honeymoon period of a new relationship. And that's what keeps some people hooked even while everything crumbles around them. They're in love with the hope that somehow the truth will disappear and their awful person will magically transform back into the faker who 'won' them a year ago.

So be gentle with yourself while you admit that you saw the cracks for a long time, and forgive your wish to play things out until you could exhaust all hope. Some people need to go that route in order to teach themselves why they won't do that again.

Head high, most of us have been there. You CAN be better off from the experience--just be patient.

[Kwothe28]

Defense mechanism. Some people feel the need to elevate themselves and justify their decisions by putting you down to others. That way if you broke up, they will have "the case" against you. Like "See, I had to leave, he/she was X". Makes it easier on their concience and makes them look better in the eyes of others.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/20/2023 at 6:21 PM, eastcoastgal said:

he would instead, go to her and tell her how horrible I was treating him. . He was gas lighting me, using triangulation to isolate me and create animosity against me. 

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have excellent insight into why he did this. Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[eastcoastgal]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I've seen a lot of this stuff, and not just when someone wants to leave a romantic relationship, but also when leaving a job or heading off to college or moving from a neighborhood--they sometimes feel a need to build a 'case' against those they are leaving, as though that will somehow make it easier.

It's like they want to talk themselves into feeling justified by making a villain out of someone else.

You nailed it right on the head... he did a lot of deflecting and projecting. Everything name he called me or everything he accused me of was exactly what he felt about himself. It was so difficult to listen to and I could not make him see what he was doing ... to this day he's still playing the victim. I hope deep inside he actually does know that he's damaged.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I have posted about the same topic in other topics but I am in need of some clarity.

Why would someone who says they are committed to a relationship with you, and want to make it work, feel the need to paint you in the worst possible light to everyone he knows. To take every personal detail you've ever told them, all your weaknesses and twist them to make you look like an unstable person. To complain to everyone yet not say a word about their discontent to you. Not talk to you about ANYTHING that they were feeling, but constantly lean on other people. And seek out people who are not objective and who respond with hostility ....

What is wrong with this person??!!!

I think I know but it all just seems too hard to comprehend....

Because either they believed it at the time they said it then changed their mind or they are a person who lacks the values of integrity and fairness in interacting with other humans.  Thing is it's not your job to comprehend why since you are not the person's health care provider and the why will elude you and cause you more frustration.  It's about acceptance. 

This person treated you with disrespect and badly.  That's awful so it's good that you are not with this person anymore.  There's that temptation to "comprehend" but even if you decided to play doctor and "diagnose" and "label" would that really help you move on? You're simply not going to get that sort of clarity unless the person calls you and/or meets with you and says "I was just diagnosed with ____.  I am now on medication/in therapy.  Before this I treated you badly and I am sorry.  I didn't know I had _____."  I mean that would help a little I guess -but "clarity?" That's a tall and unrealistic order IMO.

This is why personally I'm a fan of getting to know someone over a period of time -months -better part of a year - because then you see if the feet match the lips -if the actions match the words.  

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

You nailed it right on the head... he did a lot of deflecting and projecting. Everything name he called me or everything he accused me of was exactly what he felt about himself. It was so difficult to listen to and I could not make him see what he was doing ... to this day he's still playing the victim. I hope deep inside he actually does know that he's damaged.

I'd let go of the hope.  It impedes moving on.  You don't know what he's playing or doing because you're not together.  It's not your job to make him see anything.  You don't know if he is damaged at all.  This might have been situational, or based on being ill, etc.  Accept that people can act like a jerk with you, then move on and change with the next person.  Because life isn't fair.

The more you ruminate the more risk of you becoming hardened/bittered -and damaged as far as being open to meeting new people. Then he "wins."

[eastcoastgal]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is why personally I'm a fan of getting to know someone over a period of time -months -better part of a year - because then you see if the feet match the lips -if the actions match the words.  

We knew each other for 2 years before we dated. He seemed sincere and to have his *** together emotionally.

And for the record ... he's 75. I'm 55. Yes I have certainly wondered if he is losing his mind. I have seen similar behaviour in people his age, men and women so maybe that's part of it.

 

 

[eastcoastgal]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The more you ruminate the more risk of you becoming hardened/bittered -and damaged as far as being open to meeting new people. Then he "wins."

This is what I'm fighting hard to avoid, but here I am ... ruminating and trying to make sense. I feel like clarity is what I need to move on.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

His is what I'm fighting hard to avoid, but here I am ... ruminating and trying to make sense. I feel like clarity is what I need to move on.

Here to me is clarity.  "This person acted like a jerk to me.  I don't know why as I am not a doctor and cannot be his doctor/diagnostician anyway -I am too biased. I was a victim of his jerkiness.  I accept that I may never know why he acted like a jerk.  I accept that he might not act like a jerk ever again because I no longer know him in any real way. 

I accept that in the future I might have an aha moment as to how I can decrease the risk of interacting with a person who acts like a jerk beyond a couple of dates at most.  Maybe because of self knowledge or maybe I will remember a concern I had.  But I choose now not to dwell on it because if I have an aha moment that will arrive organically without my dwelling.  Therefore if I find myself ruminating I will reach into my tool box that I will create to redirect/distract/go to another place either physically or mentally."

Analogy - I had extensive dental work on Tuesday.  2.75 hours of it.  I hate dental work.  I also like being a good patient.  So I came up with  a way not to dwell on: the horrible noise of the drill, the ridiculously uncomfortable contraption opening my mouth, the horrible music they chose to have in the background, and not knowing how long this situation would last exactly.  I needed to do something discreet.

I had in advance come up with two tools -either I would do a visualization that often helps me go back to sleep middle of the night and/or I would do a grounding exercise with my fingers that I learned as a way to combat parenting-related getting on my last nerve, kid.  I knew my deep breathing tool wouldn't work with the darn contraption propping my mouth open.

I did the fingers thing.  Over and over and over again.  It helped a lot.  It really is like that -you come up with ways you get those thoughts to the periphery -it's not at all about not thinking about it.  That's silly. It doesn't work just like I couldn't totally ignore loud drilling/bad music/mouth-pinching plastic contraption. 

But you can get those thoughts to the periphery.  Once in the periphery those thoughts are allowed to exist there in their proper place. So you can go on with your day.  

[eastcoastgal]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you can get those thoughts to the periphery.  Once in the periphery those thoughts are allowed to exist there in their proper place. So you can go on with your day.  

Thank you this was very helpful 🙂