hep with divorce

[sislee20]

HI all let me start by saying you guys are wonderful. 

 So long story made short. I have been away from my husband now for about 2 years. It was a hard marriage of 9 years. Since then i have started to date someone and he is wonderful an dsaving grace may i say. I told my self when i left my husband i would never date again or anything then this wonderful person came along. But at the end of the day i am still legally married and it ways on my shoulders all the time. It wasnt a good a marriage and i have a full stay away order on said husband. I have tried to file for divorce and i am told i need a lawyer and as we all know they are not cheap. I called legal aid in hopes they could help and they said the could not help me due to the fact that they represented my husband in the past. And it would conflict of interest err I feel stuck and I feel like i cant have full healthy relationship with new botfriend and move foward completely with this waying on me. He knows the whole situation and is completely understanding of everything. 

 And please i dont need to hear i shouldnt of started a new  relationship without getting fully divorced. it wasnt planned just something that happened and i dont regret  it not one bit. 

Does  any one know of any other way i might be able to get legal help, i tryied doing uncontested divorce but said husband wants to fight over everything and let me say i have gave him everything, the house and eveythign with it, atvs and camper i left with personal items and half of kids belongings so not sure what eh wants to fight over, and he will not file although he can get the legal help. I feel like its another way of him beign able to control thing. Help please 

[SunshineBaby7]

If enough time and distance has passed, I don’t see any reason why you can’t “move on”. You mentioned that you have a “stay away order” on your husband. I would imagine you could file something for divorce on your own and then they will set a court date, hopefully he doesn’t show up and they grant your divorce and any other request you put in paperwork. It sounds like a control issue, maybe if you file yourself, he can get an attorney and you just appear on your own behalf. It’s not like there is anything to fight over, other than visitation and keeping what you left with when you both split up.

 

[boltnrun]

I used a paralegal. The whole thing cost $300, which my husband had to pay half of. However, mine was uncontested so I'm not sure how that works.

[sislee20]

5 hours ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

If enough time and distance has passed, I don’t see any reason why you can’t “move on”. You mentioned that you have a “stay away order” on your husband. I would imagine you could file something for divorce on your own and then they will set a court date, hopefully he doesn’t show up and they grant your divorce and any other request you put in paperwork. It sounds like a control issue, maybe if you file yourself, he can get an attorney and you just appear on your own behalf. It’s not like there is anything to fight over, other than visitation and keeping what you left with when you both split up.

 

Thank you for the advice.

  So the courts here are putting the stay away order in a family a fence case along with custody and said i would have to keep the divorce separate. And yes i literally dont want to fight over any thing with him. The only things left at the house is my departed dads stuff that he is holding and wont let me have.  So yes its very much about control with him and always has been. 

[sislee20]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I used a paralegal. The whole thing cost $300, which my husband had to pay half of. However, mine was uncontested so I'm not sure how that works.

Thank you very much I am absolutley gonna look in the paralegal stuff. 

[Coily]

I too would encourage you to look at a paralegal, however if your "husband" wants to contest things and especially as there is a custody issue I think you will need a lawyer. As the previous legal aid failed to even address you, I would suggest looking to a women's shelter for guidance in finding legal help. It may take time and a lot of calls, but there is very likely a good lawyer who you can afford willing to take your case.

Best of luck, it's going to take a lot of patience from the sounds of it.

[sislee20]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

I too would encourage you to look at a paralegal, however if your "husband" wants to contest things and especially as there is a custody issue I think you will need a lawyer. As the previous legal aid failed to even address you, I would suggest looking to a women's shelter for guidance in finding legal help. It may take time and a lot of calls, but there is very likely a good lawyer who you can afford willing to take your case.

Best of luck, it's going to take a lot of patience from the sounds of it.

Thank you so much for the advice. That is some more stuff i can look into and good thing i was made with a little extra patience. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno how it goes where you are from, but lawyer is your best chance. Good family law lawyer. Your husband wont just sign divorce so that means that you would at least have somebody to mediate in the form of judge probably. So, that probably means court dates. It shouldnt be too hard as he cant make you stay in the marriage and you are already separated for years. But it would cost you a thing or two, sadly. 

Edit Also, you have a stay away order but how did you separate kid(s) and other stuff? You do know that you are obligated on alimony or even maybe a part of his house you left? That should rattle his cages a bit when it comes signing a divorce.

[sislee20]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno how it goes where you are from, but lawyer is your best chance. Good family law lawyer. Your husband wont just sign divorce so that means that you would at least have somebody to mediate in the form of judge probably. So, that probably means court dates. It shouldnt be too hard as he cant make you stay in the marriage and you are already separated for years. But it would cost you a thing or two, sadly. 

Edit Also, you have a stay away order but how did you separate kid(s) and other stuff? You do know that you are obligated on alimony or even maybe a part of his house you left? That should rattle his cages a bit when it comes signing a divorce.

So we are here in ny and in ny it is a no  fault state. And alimony but they call it maintanance here. It is really hard to get in ny i believe you have to make around or over 100k a year and have so much in 401k and saving which he has none of them. And with the stay away order he still gets to see our son. But on his days our son takes the bus to his place and my days i pick him up from school and no weekend exchanges. And its sad i dont even want half of the house i just want my since of piece back. lol 

 

[Andrina]

I don't know if you passed the 10 year mark of marriage or not. But if not and you have retirement funds or a pension, you're screwing yourself if you live in the U.S. if you don't divorce before the 10 year mark. Because then he will get half of your pension and half of your retirement funds.

Giving him all that (house, etc) hasn't had the effect you likely foresaw--that he'd stop harassing you or leave you alone. It sounds like that legally wasn't done, so if I were you, in the divorce proceedings, I'd try to get half of the house. Either it must be sold and you get half the equity, or he has to buy you out.

Possible ways to pay an attorney? Borrow from TSP funds. Sell your jewelry. Start scrimping by no longer eating at restaurants, paying for cable, downsizing a cell phone plan. Make a budget and see where you can cut back in order to save for an attorney.

I'm sorry you're dealing with a jerk ex. I went through a stressful divorce many years ago, so I empathize. I wish you luck.

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

So we are here in ny and in ny it is a no  fault state. And alimony but they call it maintanance here. It is really hard to get in ny i believe you have to make around or over 100k a year and have so much in 401k and saving which he has none of them. And with the stay away order he still gets to see our son. But on his days our son takes the bus to his place and my days i pick him up from school and no weekend exchanges. And its sad i dont even want half of the house i just want my since of piece back. lol 

 

I see...

From what I googled, they look at the highest earner and determine it. It doesnt matter how much, even in USA very little percentage of people earns 100k. But you can be sure that even those people who dont earn that much, also pay alimony, or maintenance in NY case. For example if judge decides you are in need of money more then him as he got the house(dunno why you waved that) and better financial position, he would have to pay. 

But you will first need to consult good family law lawyer. Many of them would maybe do a consultation for free. Then you can see your options and what you can do after. 

[sislee20]

32 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I don't know if you passed the 10 year mark of marriage or not. But if not and you have retirement funds or a pension, you're screwing yourself if you live in the U.S. if you don't divorce before the 10 year mark. Because then he will get half of your pension and half of your retirement funds.

Giving him all that (house, etc) hasn't had the effect you likely foresaw--that he'd stop harassing you or leave you alone. It sounds like that legally wasn't done, so if I were you, in the divorce proceedings, I'd try to get half of the house. Either it must be sold and you get half the equity, or he has to buy you out.

Possible ways to pay an attorney? Borrow from TSP funds. Sell your jewelry. Start scrimping by no longer eating at restaurants, paying for cable, downsizing a cell phone plan. Make a budget and see where you can cut back in order to save for an attorney.

I'm sorry you're dealing with a jerk ex. I went through a stressful divorce many years ago, so I empathize. I wish you luck.

we are pass the the 10 year mark FML lol. good thing i dont have a pension and i used most of my retirment to move out and start over. The effect of just giving him everything wasnt in hopes he would leave me alone i knew that wasnt gonna happen hes crazy. I gave him everything to save my mental health but i knew a couch and tv could be replaced. I already live by the bare minium as it is. The cost of living in ny is crazy so going through crap you really dont have extra money for the high life lol. And i hope all worked out with you and divorce an dthank you for the advice. 

[sislee20]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I see...

From what I googled, they look at the highest earner and determine it. It doesnt matter how much, even in USA very little percentage of people earns 100k. But you can be sure that even those people who dont earn that much, also pay alimony, or maintenance in NY case. For example if judge decides you are in need of money more then him as he got the house(dunno why you waved that) and better financial position, he would have to pay. 

But you will first need to consult good family law lawyer. Many of them would maybe do a consultation for free. Then you can see your options and what you can do after. 

Ok yes thank you i also did some deep research after replying to you. It looks like this may be a long road ahead of me. And i guess i better get a  seat belt lol And unfortunately i make more then him but pay more in bills where i have moved to. And he has no retirment funds or anything he choice not to work much through or marriage while at times i worked 2 jobs (stupid me) Maybe he knew what he was doing all along and i was just blind 🫢 Thank you for also lokking into that for me