My emotionally volatile roommate is spreading rumours at school

[welpthereshegoes]

sorry its long but put a quick summary at the bottom 

Me (28) and a classmate (27) moved in together. She has had some childhood trauma and has pretty bad anxiety. I don't think she is a bad person, but she could be very emotionally volatile. I have seen her put holes in the wall with her head, bang her head on the floor, I kept her razors for her (with her permission) because she had intentionally cut herself so bad that the paramedics thought she might need surgery (she didn't thankfully), I have come home to her screaming and banging on the walls in her room. Panic attacks. It was a lot. But she was my friend and going through a hard time so I didn't judge, and I have my own trauma too.

I felt for her as she had just had a falling out with her ex best friend. She told me a few stories about ex-coworkers and others who treated her badly along the months living together, even after she cared and supported them. I felt for her because it seemed like all these people were taking advantage of her kindness.

She was a supportive friend and truly cared about people. That is also how she would talk about herself and who she is as a person. Every emotion she showed was genuine, so why wouldn't you believe anything she tells you? She was a good friend when times were hard. But it felt like when it was my turn to support her, and she felt you didn't care/support her in a certain way or enough, she would say things like 'I was there for you when you were doing bad, why can't you be here for me,' 'I care so much for you, don't you care about me?' 'I always put you first' or start giving examples of when she was there for you. I brushed it off because sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are upset! It still hurt and made me feel guilty and that maybe I wasn't a good friend. But then that narrative never changed while living together, even when I HAD been there for her, a lot. It felt like she was always keeping score of all the good things she did for me, and subconsciously all the things she thought was wrong with me. I genuinely think if anyone asked her today when I had been a friend for her, she could not think of anything.

Her boyfriend was going to move in (I had no problem with it) Went to talk to them about changing what they had proposed for rent (I wanted to split utilities instead of a flat rate). Very long story short it felt like the conversation turned into listing things they didn't like about me as a person and a roommate. If I tried to talk or give my side, my classmate would start self harming by ripping at her skin etc and her boyfriend would calm her down. But if I rolled my eyes you bet she called me out for it! (not saying its ok) If I brought anything up about them they said that I need to practice 'giving the benefit of the doubt.' They said some very hurtful things and it got to the point where they were bringing up things like I was somehow controlling their robot vacuum to only do my bedroom kind of thing. It wasn't one of the smart robots that mapped. It felt like they had such a negative view as me as a person, that they would assume I would react in a certain, but negative way about some issue, and would be upset based on what they thought my reaction would be (ex: me and her share one half of the fridge, and she was upset I am making her and her boyfriend share one side of the fridge, when I had NEVER talked or even thought about it, AND HE HADNT EVEN MOVED IN YET. They would bring up neutral statements I made in the past and got upset because they would say the way I said it meant I wanted things my way. And of course they talked about all these things they do for me and how I just take too much and they can't do it anymore and it just kept going.

Friends don't keep score. I know there were definitely times where I was in the wrong. I know I have flaws. But I felt like she just can't accept people for who they are, then took things extremely personally when you would inavdverdnetly trigger her anxiety when you were just minding your own business and then she added it to her tally. I don't think she has any long term friendships, and I think that is why. But on the surface level you would never know! I started to disconnect, a minor issue came up but I didn't care anymore and didn't go out of my way to talk about it. She confronted me crying about how much she cares for me and I was honest and told her that my mental health has been doing really well, and I didn't think it was worth it. Eventually I completely disconnected from them, why would they keep someone in their life who had so many terrible qualities and was a bad friend who never gave back? Ironically ere both VERY ANGRY about it, to the point where she messaged my boyfriend talking about how terrible I was, she's too scared to talk to me or leave her room, how she has always been there for me, and I have only been there for her one time, that now that Im doing well I have thrown her to the side like trash and I don't care if she dies. How she is doing so bad that she thinks she needs to be hospitalized. And I don't know if it is wrong but I didn't really feel anything because I kind of heard a less dramatic version of it many times before, when we were actually friends. They were so angry anything I did would blow them up or it was my fault. It got to the point where my boyfriend told me to phone him immediately if I am ever alone and they show up (they were living elsewhere for the last month because it was pretty tense but still had keys), and one of my best friend's who is a cop was worried and suggested hiding a petcam. Long story short eventually I called non emergency, cops got involved because they wrecked something of mine expensive, I showed the cops the pictures/videos I had, the damage to the walls etc, and they said they looked up her file (she's been hospitalized a few times. Then my boyfriend and I stayed in my bedroom and the cops stood outside my door, while she cried and family/friends (?) packed up.

I know how she thinks, and I know that she is saying things behind my back. I spoke with the chair of our program who told me not to worry about it and commended me on how professional I handled the situation. I am happy, I have good people in my life and things are good, but I think she has a victim mentality, she is genuinely emotional and has obviously spread stories to our classmates etc because people are starting to act weird around me. Initially I just told myself to let it go, but now classmates are acting weird around me and I don't know what to do about it or how I should mentally move on completely.

TL:DR Completely disconnected from my classmate who I was living with and she was very very upset about it. While living with her she self harmed by bashing her head into walls, cutting herself to the point surgery was contemplated and things like that. She didn't seem to realize the emotional impact that could have on a bystander. She liked to keep score of the good things she did for me (and others!) and subconsciously of the things she thought was wrong with you especially when she felt you didn't support her the same way or you did something to trigger her anxiety. She genuinely feels the emotions she's feeling, and surface level she is just a normal nice human, so whatever she is telling classmates will be taken as truth and I also think because I am a POC (she is too but different, but there are a lot of negative stereotypes with mine) now people are starting to act weird around me and I don't know what to do about it! I've heard the way she talks about people who 'left' her in the past and it is not...pretty?

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

You did the right thing getting away from this young woman. 

She is clearly not mentally stable and is very manipulative on top of that. It is tough, but I would not concern myself with what classmates choose to believe or not. These are people who are in your life temporarily and their opinion isn't something you should assign much value to. Those who know you are going to know the truth. 

Don't engage in any conversations about her. Keep your focus on your studies and remember that the end is in sight and these people won't be a blip on your radar anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

Did any of you moved out? Because it would be in your best interest to just move out and remove yourself from the whole situation. You are not responsible for her nore do you owe her anything. And need to think about your own mental health. So moving out should be your priority in this situation.

As far as the rumors go, you cant stop them. You can explain your side if somebody asks, but that is about it. Just live your life and dont mind them.

[welpthereshegoes]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You did the right thing getting away from this young woman. 

She is clearly not mentally stable and is very manipulative on top of that. It is tough, but I would not concern myself with what classmates choose to believe or not. These are people who are in your life temporarily and their opinion isn't something you should assign much value to. Those who know you are going to know the truth. 

Don't engage in any conversations about her. Keep your focus on your studies and remember that the end is in sight and these people won't be a blip on your radar anymore. 

I know she is talking because she doesn't want me to talk, and I don't need to in order to feel better about myself. But also don't want to be portrayed as the crazy one either haha

But you are right that there is no point in putting any mental energy into it. We graduate in a few months and I won't see most of these people anymore. Thank you!

[spinstermanquee]

welp, sorry you are going through this.  this quote might help a little:

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

((((hugs)))) to you welp.