My girlfriend says how much she “wants me” but then takes no action

[Nebraskagirl14]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you have “hurdles “ in a young relationship that’s your answer. If you find yourself resorting to psycho speak and $100 dollar words of psychological jargon to justify basic rudeness and disrespect there’s your answer.  
I think partly you like the thrill of the chase. And the “volatility “. I think you seek “immense” chemistry because solid secure lasting love and caring doesn’t give you the rush or challenge you’re seeking. 
you phrase your question as if it’s in a vacuum but you know it’s not. It’s contextual. This person is not a good match for you for a potentially serious relationship. And playing all wifey and running errands for her and caring for her dogs and twisting yourself in a pretzel isn’t gonna change that. I’m sorry. 

I understand what you're saying, Batya. I would say that in the beginning of the relationship, I had fewer boundaries and was far more codependent. I have come a long way though. I no longer chase and I do want lasting love. I don't need emotional volatility and I certainly don't find it thrilling. It actually makes me feel very emotionally unsafe and therefore, not committed to the relationship. I can't commit to something that feels unsafe. The hard part for me is that yes, she has been really difficult, but, through my setting boundaries, she has changed quite a lot. Is it enough to build a healthy relationship? Likely not. And I agree that this amount of hurdles in a young relationship isn't promising. I have to say that this relationship has served a huge purpose in my life though. It has shown me what unhealthy patterns I still need to heal. I used to take *** that I no longer take, BUT, I do still show up for her and there are times when I know I should have walked away long ago and then other times when I wonder if it could work. In order for this relationship to thrive though, I have to do most of the work. That is not what I want. I do want an equal and loving partnership.

[Nebraskagirl14]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly does she want to "change"? Her gaslighting? Her rudeness in the belittling and insulting way she speaks to you? Her manipulation? Does she admit she gaslights and manipulates you and unfairly accuses you of having terrible personal characteristics?

She sucks at owning her ***, actually. There are moments when she is very reflective and will say things like, "When I get dysregulated, I blame you for things that aren't your fault." But no. She rarely owns up to anything she has done because she is convinced that I caused it. And yes, based on what you and Batya have said, I have rewarded her ***ty behavior many times by continuing to show up versus walk away. That was a hair-raising realization that made me kind of disgusted with myself for a time. Then, I pulled back my energy and falling all over myself to gain her approval, but I haven't walked away.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She sucks at owning her ***, actually. There are moments when she is very reflective and will say things like, "When I get dysregulated, I blame you for things that aren't your fault." But no. She rarely owns up to anything she has done because she is convinced that I caused it.

So how can you expect her to "change" if she won't even admit to any of the things she's doing to hurt you? 

I still believe she knows darn well she's not being nice but because you allow it she's going to continue. Like my ex told me, she concludes you like it because you stay and even do extra nice things for her. You reward her bad behavior so there's zero motivation for her to "change".

Now, if you told her, "look, this isn't acceptable. I'm not going to stay and be spoken to this way" and actually follow through she would be forced to adjust her behavior or lose you. But you would have to be willing to do this.

Does your fear of "losing" her override your desire to be treated decently?

[Nebraskagirl14]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So how can you expect her to "change" if she won't even admit to any of the things she's doing to hurt you? 

I still believe she knows darn well she's not being nice but because you allow it she's going to continue. Like my ex told me, she concludes you like it because you stay and even do extra nice things for her. You reward her bad behavior so there's zero motivation for her to "change".

Now, if you told her, "look, this isn't acceptable. I'm not going to stay and be spoken to this way" and actually follow through she would be forced to adjust her behavior or lose you. But you would have to be willing to do this.

Does your fear of "losing" her override your desire to be treated decently?

So, I told her about a month ago that I was done. I wasn't going to be criticized and disrespected anymore. I was willing to lose her. I AM willing to lose her. After I told her I was leaving and why, she said, "I will do whatever it takes to make this work." Since then, she was completely different. She didn't criticize, she wasn't a jerk, she showed me and told me how much she appreciated me. She actually put energy into the relationship. Then, I had to address the "friend" situation and say I wasn't okay with it. When I address anything, she takes it as a personal attack. So, we have gotten into a few arguments in the last couple of months and yesterday, with the sex conversation, she did say that I was bullying her because that is exactly what she does when she is triggered. When I decide I'm going to leave, she is completely different, appreciative, etc. So, then I question myself. I was more recently single for three years and I have no problem being single. My biggest struggle is knowing when to let go. This is nothing new. It has always been my biggest issue. And the reason this situation is confusing to me that I don't always know if I'm being reasonable or not in my expectations. That's why I came back to ENA. I needed the straight up objective advice and I really appreciate it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

My biggest struggle is knowing when to let go. This is nothing new. It has always been my biggest issue. And the reason this situation is confusing to me that I don't always know if I'm being reasonable or not in my expectations.

Oh you "know" you just don't want to act on the knowing so you twist yourself in a pretzel and tell yourself she's acting like a jerk because of some psychological jargon style you label her with.  

What if you weren't being "reasonable" from some objective standpoint but you chose to let go because you simply were unhappy with how you were being treated. I can see taking that stance with a job or in a professional situation or if it's an isolated incident -like if I'm cranky which I can get when we travel as we just did the last few days I check in with myself as to whether reacting to an annoying situation is reasonable or whether I need to remind myself I'm probably just exhausted and my expectations as to how things should go are unreasonable.  

Yes it's good once in awhile to take inventory of whether in general your expectations are reasonable especially during times of change - traveling, people who have or adopt a child, move, get married, move in together etc but as far as expectations in matters of the heart in how you are being treated as a human being I think you're setting the bar too low and relying heavily on rationalizations.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

When I decide I'm going to leave, she is completely different, appreciative,

So she's capable of treating you like a decent human being, she just chooses not to.

It's a shame you have to threaten to leave to get her to act nice. Wouldn't it be nice if she chose to be decent and respectful all the time because she loves you and feels you deserve to be treated well? 

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Oh you "know" you just don't want to act on the knowing so you twist yourself in a pretzel and tell yourself she's acting like a jerk because of some psychological jargon style you label her with.  

What if you weren't being "reasonable" from some objective standpoint but you chose to let go because you simply were unhappy with how you were being treated. I can see taking that stance with a job or in a professional situation or if it's an isolated incident -like if I'm cranky which I can get when we travel as we just did the last few days I check in with myself as to whether reacting to an annoying situation is reasonable or whether I need to remind myself I'm probably just exhausted and my expectations as to how things should go are unreasonable.  

Yes it's good once in awhile to take inventory of whether in general your expectations are reasonable especially during times of change - traveling, people who have or adopt a child, move, get married, move in together etc but as far as expectations in matters of the heart in how you are being treated as a human being I think you're setting the bar too low and relying heavily on rationalizations.

It’s true. I think it’s highly possible that I am rationalizing her behavior. I am not used to the hot and cold behavior. Rather than walk away, I just let it confuse me and made me question my own reality. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So she's capable of treating you like a decent human being, she just chooses not to.

It's a shame you have to threaten to leave to get her to act nice. Wouldn't it be nice if she chose to be decent and respectful all the time because she loves you and feels you deserve to be treated well? 

True. I haven’t ever threatened to leave before. That was the first time and it wasn’t a threat at the time. I actually said I was leaving. Clearly, I didn’t because she turned it around and said she wanted to actually do the work. And yes, it would be really nice if she was decent and respectful all the time. She is 99% of the time now. Then 1% of the time, she gets triggered and has a fit. So, I guess that is what I struggle with at this point. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

It’s true. I think it’s highly possible that I am rationalizing her behavior. I am not used to the hot and cold behavior. Rather than walk away, I just let it confuse me and made me question my own reality. 

Please stop yourself from creating "struggles" as an excuse.  Nothing is making you confused or making you question.  You don't have to be "used to" hot and cold behavior.  All you have to do is walk away if stuff doesn't feel good or comfortable. 

There are infinite variations on behavior -are you really going to go through life encountering a new variation and then telling yourself "oh I've never experienced someone smiling at me one minute then lashing out the next so I'm confused!" 

No - because when you're not motivated by fear of being "alone" or motivated by sexual attraction, etc you don't analyze -you react based on common sense and a general sense of moving away from pain and towards pleasure -ouch that didn't feel good I won't interact with that person again. Or I'll walk away and give the person one more chance -perhaps she was having a bad day.  

I don't buy the whole fancy stuff of "questioning your own reality" -it's really not that abstract.  Obviously your "reality" is malleable and I'm sure you don't go through life testing things against "my reality" -you live your life -you treat other people with kindness and respect and sometimes you mess up so you apologize genuinely and vow to do better.  You are choosing to stay in a situation where you benefit -you don't have to rock the boat, you can have good sex and romantic times when she's up for it, you get to play at being a therapist/analyst and you like being "the dutiful wife" with the massages and shopping and cooking. 

Last night on our flight home I was so tired and chilling.  My husband sitting next to me tells me he'd stowed a plastic bag under his seat with our son's math homework and it slid to the row in front where he couldn't see it. I said soothingly -it will be ok, we'll find it (had no idea if we would but I knew I'd do my best)   I decided right then -he's really tired too and I'm smaller and I can bend all the way over (I must have looked like I was performing some sexual act lol) -and peer could under the seat to see if I see the bag. I saw it in the row in front of us.

once we landed I asked the people in front of me if they wouldn't mind giving the bag and we joked about the math homework.  I know my husband -he'd have cringed a bit at asking for such help of strangers and I took over so he wouldn't have to.

I knew for sure he'd appreciate it -and even if he was too tired to appreciate it right then he likely would later (he did though at the time) -we've built up enough trust so the "you didn't show appreciation" or "you took me for granted" is minimal because the default is we believe the other is there for us so who cares about "what's my reality" and there's little analysis of "boundaries" and what "style" the other person is.  Walking on eggshells is no fun and a red flag if too often.

My point is it's about give and take - it's about being in a relationship where you choose to step in when you're really tired rather than make your partner handle a situation he's not as comfortable with. It's not about my reality - my reality was I had to pee badly, we'd been away a couple of days and I had hours of cleaning and prepping ahead of me once we returned home.  My reality was I preferred to chill and read my kindle. I couldn't tell you what my "reality" was generally.

When you care about yourself and others it's so often just like impulse and instinct -your friend or partner needs something, you step up if you possibly can.  You can only control you and if you're in a place where you have to "question your reality" as to how to react to how you're treated then the dynamic between the two of you is seriously off.  

[Nebraskagirl14]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Please stop yourself from creating "struggles" as an excuse.  Nothing is making you confused or making you question.  You don't have to be "used to" hot and cold behavior.  All you have to do is walk away if stuff doesn't feel good or comfortable. 

There are infinite variations on behavior -are you really going to go through life encountering a new variation and then telling yourself "oh I've never experienced someone smiling at me one minute then lashing out the next so I'm confused!" 

No - because when you're not motivated by fear of being "alone" or motivated by sexual attraction, etc you don't analyze -you react based on common sense and a general sense of moving away from pain and towards pleasure -ouch that didn't feel good I won't interact with that person again. Or I'll walk away and give the person one more chance -perhaps she was having a bad day.  

I don't buy the whole fancy stuff of "questioning your own reality" -it's really not that abstract.  Obviously your "reality" is malleable and I'm sure you don't go through life testing things against "my reality" -you live your life -you treat other people with kindness and respect and sometimes you mess up so you apologize genuinely and vow to do better.  You are choosing to stay in a situation where you benefit -you don't have to rock the boat, you can have good sex and romantic times when she's up for it, you get to play at being a therapist/analyst and you like being "the dutiful wife" with the massages and shopping and cooking. 

Last night on our flight home I was so tired and chilling.  My husband sitting next to me tells me he'd stowed a plastic bag under his seat with our son's math homework and it slid to the row in front where he couldn't see it. I said soothingly -it will be ok, we'll find it (had no idea if we would but I knew I'd do my best)   I decided right then -he's really tired too and I'm smaller and I can bend all the way over (I must have looked like I was performing some sexual act lol) -and peer could under the seat to see if I see the bag. I saw it in the row in front of us.

once we landed I asked the people in front of me if they wouldn't mind giving the bag and we joked about the math homework.  I know my husband -he'd have cringed a bit at asking for such help of strangers and I took over so he wouldn't have to.

I knew for sure he'd appreciate it -and even if he was too tired to appreciate it right then he likely would later (he did though at the time) -we've built up enough trust so the "you didn't show appreciation" or "you took me for granted" is minimal because the default is we believe the other is there for us so who cares about "what's my reality" and there's little analysis of "boundaries" and what "style" the other person is.  Walking on eggshells is no fun and a red flag if too often.

My point is it's about give and take - it's about being in a relationship where you choose to step in when you're really tired rather than make your partner handle a situation he's not as comfortable with. It's not about my reality - my reality was I had to pee badly, we'd been away a couple of days and I had hours of cleaning and prepping ahead of me once we returned home.  My reality was I preferred to chill and read my kindle. I couldn't tell you what my "reality" was generally.

When you care about yourself and others it's so often just like impulse and instinct -your friend or partner needs something, you step up if you possibly can.  You can only control you and if you're in a place where you have to "question your reality" as to how to react to how you're treated then the dynamic between the two of you is seriously off.  

You’re right. I just need to end it. She has far too many control issues and volatility and frankly, selfishness to be a good partner. Thank you, Batya. 

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

You’re right. I just need to end it. She has far too many control issues and volatility and frankly, selfishness to be a good partner. Thank you, Batya. 

I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad to see you get here.

This isn't just about sex, it's about a demonstrated loss of respect. She's observed you catering to her in the face of blatant mistreatment followed by some vague lip service about change.

When you notice the lack of congruency, she blames you for having a problem. That backs you into a non-negotiable corner where your choices are to eat it or walk away.

That will never be equality. The longer you put up with it, the less you'll respect yourself, so it's just a downward spiral unless you correct your own choice.

My heart goes out to you, Nebraska, but you're a smart woman, and you will bounce back from this. Be proud of yourself, and I'm proud FOR you.

 

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

You’re right. I just need to end it. She has far too many control issues and volatility and frankly, selfishness to be a good partner. Thank you, Batya. 

You know she will suddenly switch to acting nice to dupe you into staying so she'll have someone to cater to her and to treat poorly. Don't fall for her tricks this time because you already know how it'll go.

I'm sorry, I know this is painful and disappointing. But this relationship was never going to be healthy for you.

[Nebraskagirl14]

34 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad to see you get here.

This isn't just about sex, it's about a demonstrated loss of respect. She's observed you catering to her in the face of blatant mistreatment followed by some vague lip service about change.

When you notice the lack of congruency, she blames you for having a problem. That backs you into a non-negotiable corner where your choices are to eat it or walk away.

That will never be equality. The longer you put up with it, the less you'll respect yourself, so it's just a downward spiral unless you correct your own choice.

My heart goes out to you, Nebraska, but you're a smart woman, and you will bounce back from this. Be proud of yourself, and I'm proud FOR you.

 

Thanks so much, Catfeeder. I really appreciate this coming from you. You are exactly right. This right here… “When you notice the lack of congruency, she blames you for having a problem. That backs you into a non-negotiable corner where your choices are to eat it or walk away.” That is our relationship in a nutshell. It has always been. If she does something hurtful and I address it, no matter how calmly or respectfully, she gets angry at me and turns it around and makes it about a problem with me. And I end up trying to smooth things over for something that originated with her hurtful behavior. Thanks again, Catfeeder. I have really needed the tough love from this group. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You know she will suddenly switch to acting nice to dupe you into staying so she'll have someone to cater to her and to treat poorly. Don't fall for her tricks this time because you already know how it'll go.

I'm sorry, I know this is painful and disappointing. But this relationship was never going to be healthy for you.

Thanks, Boltnrun. Yes, I absolutely know this game. I have played it too many times.