Hurt a Close Friend with the Truth

[neva_black_n_white]

hey.

I just wondered how i can sort out a bad situation.

I have an amazing friend, and let me stress that, amazing, i mean you can talk to him about anything, he helps with everything, he just clicks with anyone, hes absolutely fantabidosi. But thats the thing, you can get so close to him without even realising, it feels natural to be overlly comfortable (hopefully people have had this feeling so theyll understand). I mean we can talk about any topic, no matter how embaressing.

 

BUT the thing is, he told me he liked me the other day, a lot more than just wow your a great friend type of like. He knows im in a relationship, and i feel i love this person, weve been together around 19 months and its not as if he doesnt know, we chat about him all the time.

 

What am i supposed to do? You see i hurt him by telling him that my boyfriend (Dave) is the person i love. I dont think its something that will stick, but with him telling me this, its encouraged him to believe that he needs to distance himself. OK maybe thats needed a little, maybe not at all in my opinion, but he took it alot further he has no contact with me. Its as thought hed prefer to feel as if ive walked off the face of the Earth.

 

I guess i want to know what to do. It hurts. Hes amazing and ive jeapodised something by being naive.

 

The last things he said were

"i think that i should distance myself, i dont want to let myself get so attatched that i cant stop thinking about you. This is for your own benefit as much as mine"

 

and then "All my credits gone...i spent £8 on calling you today. does that not show you that i care? I wish you were here in my arms kissing me. I would make you feel so special. "

 

We chat alot, in every way, but he has jokes with me, hense the "does that not show you i care" i thought he was joking with me telling me how he felt. I guess that hurt him, maybe a little too much.

 

Ive spoken loads, hopefully someone can grasp an answer for this.

Thanks.

Kell

[DN]

I think you have to give him the space he needs. If he loves you and you do not love him, at least not in that way, then he needs time to get used to that idea before he can just be a friend again.

 

I am not sure what you meant by

I dont think its something that will stick

[neva_black_n_white]

I understand, I guess the fact that we were so used to speaking pretty much every day, hes like, i dont know how to phrase it, i wouldnt go so far to say hes a part of me but i feels bizarre not to chat to him. Ive tried contacting but i guess it doesnt help.

 

I hope your right with "he needs time to get used to the idea" but i hope he doesnt come back changed. I like what we have now. But iguess what we have now isnt "right". I can see him being different in personality and the way he acts around me.

 

what i meant by:

I dont think its something that will stick

 

Is that im sure its a phase, as in not something he will think for long, but, at the same time he told me used to like me and thats been regained. Maybe its not a phase.

 

I guess im a little confused, with the fact he isnt speaking doesnt help either.

thanks

Kell

[Wimpy]

I'd try and put yourself in his shoes and imagine you've just taken a really big chance by telling someone you like them a lot. You have a bf and I guess let him know you didn't feel the same for him in that way. As DN said he now needs time to get used to that idea and lick his wounds as it were. It probably hurt him but at least he now knows.

 

If it were me, I'd want to be left alone for a while to get over the embarrassment I'd feel for taking a risk and having it slightly back-fire.

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is back off and let him get his head around it. It's then up to him if he can go back to how things were. However, it may never be the same way and that, unfortunately, is something you might have to take time to get used to.

 

Hope it all works out for you and for him.

[Süsser Tod]

 

If it were me, I'd want to be left alone for a while to get over the embarrassment I'd feel for taking a risk and having it slightly back-fire.

 

 

"Slightly"??? Come on! Been there, done that, and trust me, IT HURTS, it hurts badly!

 

Get away from him, you'll be causing him only pain. Don't think you'll be able to be friends until:

 

a) He realizes he does not like you

b) He finds someone else he likes more than you

 

And the second option may hurt you too, as you'll know your place has been taken by someone else.

 

As I see it, by now, it is a lose-lose relationship.

[Shidoshi]

This guy was actually smart in his decision to leave you alone. Do you think anyone is able to just "ignore" their feelings? He was probably very good friends with you in the hopes that one day you and him would be together but it didn't work out that way (poor guy has a lot to learn). For the most part, men and women cannot be "best" platonic friends. There's usually always stronger feelings coming from one side.

[Wimpy]

 

If it were me, I'd want to be left alone for a while to get over the embarrassment I'd feel for taking a risk and having it slightly back-fire.

 

 

"Slightly"??? Come on! Been there, done that, and trust me, IT HURTS, it hurts badly!

 

Hey I was being diplomatic. I know it hurts badly but I chose to put it differently since she obviously felt pretty bad.

 

 

[neva_black_n_white]

Wow weve got alot of mixed opinons but i get the major hint of "LEAVE HIM ALONE". I think though, that you guys (not all) have failed to see that we were very close. I do see what you are saying, dont get me wrong, i can completely see why hed want to back away, we had the conversation already of making sure we dont get close but you are right, we cant just forget feelings or deny them, hense why he told me how he felt. Look, im not a person to laugh at someone or make something big out of an already hurtful subject, i knew how it would make him feel, AS HE DID when he knew what he was saying to me.

 

I really, truly hope you werent right (shidoshi) when you said that he probably got close because he wanted to be with me. We have alot of things that have bound us together, alot of situations that brought us closer and i dont think the term closer is a wrong one to use anyway. I may have been misleading but NOT really, he knew me enough to know my attitude, im loud im not necessarily flirty but i dont hold back on being open, this probably fed how he felt.

 

BUT no i dont believe that he got close because of that reason.

 

I do know however, that he always gets turned down because girls feel hes just "too good a friend" this isnt a lie, just a push over, any male or female would want the friendship he offers.

 

But anyway, my minds probably telling me to rebel against what you say, to want a perfect ending. But at the same time your all right, hes distanced himself, i dont even know if thats an extreme enough word, its more like hes put an ocean between us, forget how to speak and lost all contact. I dont know i just dont want to lose him.

 

I believe you can have great platonic friends. I guess thats a hope..

 

Thanks..i needed my eyes opening.

I just hope i did the right thing. A lie wouldnt have been better, i know that, its just a shame that the truth isnt always what you want to hear. I hope aswell that he appreciates the truth. Im confused, but thanks everyone.

 

And trust me, he will find someone else, i just hope they deserve him.

 

Kel

[DN]

I think it may be possible for you to be friends at some point but he certainly needs time to get over the rejection. He has a bruised heart and probably feels a little humiliated. In any event, I think when you have rejected someone, you have to let them be the one to decide if they want to be friends or not.

[Burning_Down]

I have a certain amount of experience in this situation having fallen in love with a great friend of mine. Let me say first off that I didn't become friends with her to try and take it further - we were friends already and it happened fairly gradually - however I think in all honesty I stuck with her (after she'd said she didn't feel the same) in the hope that she would change her mind. Your friend has taken the only sensible route - the feelings don't go away just because you don't feel the same.

 

He's right, it is for your benefit as much as his. Trying to stifle those kind of feelings and stay your friend, will eat him up inside - trust me, I know. Hearing about your boyfriend and how much you love him will be killing him. I guess you don't want to hear this but I'll tell you anyway. It's selfish of you to want him to stick with you. Let him go...

 

The tragic thing is that a relationship based on the kind of feelings you have for him, is the kind of relationship that will stand the test of time. The passion dies in all relationships eventually and you better hope that what's left, when that fire goes out, is the same feeling you have for your friend...ah well, the heart wants what it wants I suppose.

[neva_black_n_white]

Thanks everyone, i think youve come up with some great advice.

Its a shame "burning down" that you thought i was being selfish..if you failed to see, i understoud exactly what he was doing (i would do the same but at the same time i never tend to take my own advice). i understoud why he distanced himself. i can see what he felt, ive experianced it, but i also knew we have overcome a LOT of barriers, enough to push any two people apart but we didnt..

 

BUT i have something to say today...

Me and this mate (what all this is happening with) had a real deep conversation last night, consisting of the dos and dont and whether distancing is right and etc, and yeah weve took a step apart..cancelled a few connections that could have been wired wrong so to speak, but we still have a laugh, we are as cherpy and open. and part of him and me think the fact he brought it up was better than to leave it out and play on his mind.

 

Maybe you guys think differently, maybe im selfish and spiteful etc, but you answer me this, if you were in the same situation, would you want the TRUTH or FALSE HOPE??

 

Yeah he might be joking around and feel the same but we are on the right pegging and CLOSE and TRUE friends like us can get over this.

sometimes you have to take a step back in the world to later move three paces forward..im willing to do that.

 

he is worth it, im sorry i have feelings for someone else, but im glad im not on here to speak about a confession of cheating because i feel for a great mate..no..thats what he is, an amazing mate.

 

Kel

 

p.s. thanks guys...you have helped me i just wish i saw a more hopeful responce..heck the heart wants what it wants huh? and the mind says what it think.

thanks for honesty

[Burning_Down]

Its a shame "burning down" that you thought i was being selfish..if you failed to see, i understoud exactly what he was doing (i would do the same but at the same time i never tend to take my own advice). i understoud why he distanced himself. i can see what he felt, ive experianced it, but i also knew we have overcome a LOT of barriers, enough to push any two people apart but we didnt..

 

My apologies. I was unecessarily harsh on you (because I've been in his position I guess). I can see that you do understand the situation and I'm sure if it could be different you'd be with him. Life's just not like that though is it...?

[neva_black_n_white]

My apologies. I was unecessarily harsh on you (because I've been in his position I guess). I can see that you do understand the situation and I'm sure if it could be different you'd be with him. Life's just not like that though is it...?

 

i wasnt looking for an apology, i guess like you (maybe being a little deffensive) i wanted my side put accross because i thought it wasnt clear. im glad you responded, i like seing a perspective on things. and if circumstances were differet, if my head was clear of dave your probably right, but hes just close to me and hes amazing and thats why i asked for help (i kind of knew i wouldnt lose him but wanted that net incase i did) hes worth having as a friend, i respect him.

 

anyway lets not reflect on that.

 

 

Life's just not like that though is it...?

 

i agree with you, but to be fair, if life was so simple and i didnt feel pain etc i dont think id ever grasp how much things meant. Alot of us go through things where we turn around and say "i wish that never happened" say, a relationshp ends after a year, but to be fair when people say "thats wasted time", "i dont care" trhey do care and it wasnt wasted time, USUALLY (not all times) exactly how many smiles and good memories are there? loads! And as for bad moments, i do think we grow for them.

 

If life was like that i dont think i would have met him in the first place, because life wouldnt have given me him if it was perfect because itd see him as something that could jeapodise me..

 

i dont fully know how to explain it.

But to me, most bad times can be good,

 

Sorry if i confused you.

Kel