Diary: The relationship between me and my ex.

[Liquidius]

Four smiley faces - reflecting my good day! I overuse those poor little emoticons...

[Liquidius]

I just can't help but notice how different my situation seems to some on this message board, and to be frank, its a bit worrying hehe. Me and my ex have given eachother space, and no matter how much I complain, we get along really well. We've decided on lift sharing for our hobby, we go out shopping together - and we do genuinly treat eachother like friends. We only split up 7 weeks ago.

 

I think the only reason that we get on so well is because neither of us are seeing anyone else at all. He said he's not interested, and to be frank, I'm not either. Even if he did get together with someone else now, I wouldnt be angry, I'd be upset, but privately. I wouldn't dream of playing games using NC, or getting a date just because he did. Am I just being stupid or something? Should I be angry at him, or should I be ignoring him?

[PB]

I just can't help but notice how different my situation seems to some on this message board, and to be frank, its a bit worrying hehe. Me and my ex have given each other space, and no matter how much I complain, we get along really well.

 

I'm still a little unclear on why he broke up with you? Something about you having a gripey attitude a lot of the time or something? Has he ever gotten more specific about any that? Has he ever said anything along the lines of , "I think you are great person, I love being with you, but sometimes your attitude makes me just want to get away"?

 

It seems to me that if he has a problem with your attitude, then he would not want to be around you too much as a friend either.

 

I think the only reason that we get on so well is because neither of us are seeing anyone else at all. He said he's not interested, and to be frank, I'm not either.

 

How do you interpret this lack of interest in other people by both of you? Is it because you are still hoping to get back together?

 

Even if he did get together with someone else now, I wouldnt be angry, I'd be upset, but privately. I wouldn't dream of playing games using NC, or getting a date just because he did.

 

What if this new hypothetical gf tells him he needs to cut the ties with you and he agrees? How would feel then?

 

So long as you are both happy with the arrangement, I would say to continue down the path you've taken.

[Liquidius]

Has he ever gotten more specific about any that? Has he ever said anything along the lines of , "I think you are great person, I love being with you, but sometimes your attitude makes me just want to get away"?

 

Nope, never said that. He said that he couldnt deal with the arguments we kept having (a little more frequently than usual, but I didnt think it was THAT bad). He said to me that he was unsure as to how he felt about me, and that he didnt want me to hold out hope of getting back together, because he doesnt know. I've given him plenty of opportunities not to be my friend, to which he has always said he wants to be.

 

I'm going through a rough patch with depression and such, and I was giving him an awful lot of attitude, which I didnt really notice at the time. I've been on antidepressants and have been seeing a councellor, and I'm feeling much better.

 

How do you interpret this lack of interest in other people by both of you? Is it because you are still hoping to get back together?

 

I don't know about him, but I'm not interested because I'm still getting over him. Me and another person just wouldnt go down with so well. I like being on my own, and figuring out my own feelings, and doing what I want when I want. He told me not to hold out any hope, and im not. If we get back together, it'd be a nice surprise yeah?

 

What if this new hypothetical gf tells him he needs to cut the ties with you and he agrees? How would feel then?

 

His loss - i'd lose a friend, but at least i'll always know I tried my best to be a decent person and a good friend.

[Liquidius]

I had a bad patch through feeling depressed yesterday evening - and my ex sent me a text to make sure I was ok. I phoned him back and we spoke for about 15 mins. I phoned him again this morning because everyone else had their phones turned off, and my family were out. I really needed someone to talk to. This had nothing to do with him making me sad, I just felt sad. He seemed happy to talk to me, and spent 10 mins cheering me up. He also added at the end that if I text him during the day, I wouldnt get a reply because he had no credit! I text him saying thanks for listening about an hour ago

 

After playing cards yesterday evening, I said I'd see him on tuesday, to which he said -"Don't be silly, we'll talk before that! I'll probably be online saturday!"-. He's being a good friend, and I don't think he's just staying mates with me because he feels guilty if he doesn't. I also don't think he's doing it to make sure he's made the right decision. What do you think?

[PB]

Let me ask you this...

 

Does your ex have a history of getting involved with women with "issues"? Does he have that "rescue her" mentality that some men have? Me, for instance?

 

This has happened to me multiple times--usually not favorably so for me. For whatever reason, I seem to have a sort of calm, sympathetic disposition that women who are experiencing problems of any sort seem to gravitate towards. I end up trying to help them and in the process develop a love interest in them, and they end up falling in love with me as well.

[Liquidius]

Yep, that happened. Why do you ask?

[PB]

Yep, that happened. Why do you ask?

 

I'm not sure...

 

I guess I was trying to analyze the following statements you made in a previous note:

 

He's being a good friend, and I don't think he's just staying mates with me because he feels guilty if he doesn't. I also don't think he's doing it to make sure he's made the right decision. What do you think?

 

You're saying that you think

 

1) he's not being friendly to you out of guilt, and

 

2) you don't think he's being friendly to you because he's doubting his decision to break up with you (I'm reading a little into this conclusion, but I think this is essentially what you are saying?)

 

You've also said of him:

 

He said to me that he was unsure as to how he felt about me, and that he didnt want me to hold out hope of getting back together, because he doesnt know.

 

This last statement seems quite strange if you think about it. He is unsure about how he feels about you, but yet he want's you to proceed as if the decision is clear cut.

 

Do you think he is "testing" you in some way? He's giving you every opportunity to "fly away" now that he's opened the birdcage. Yet both of you seem to be content to sit in the cage (on separate sides, of course) and observe each other for awhile longer.

[Liquidius]

He's giving you every opportunity to "fly away" now that he's opened the birdcage. Yet both of you seem to be content to sit in the cage (on separate sides, of course) and observe each other for awhile longer.

 

Is this necessarily a bad thing? I don't really spend as much time as him as I used to, and for a while, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be friends, because it hurt me so much. We had an argument about it, and he ended up crying, saying that he doesn't want to fall out with me. I decided to put the extra effort in, and remain friends with him, which has worked.

 

I expected him to go and date other people, because I did briefly, but he hasn't shown any interest in anyone else at all. However, when I was dating the guy - he did subtly question me as to how it was all going, and if we were thinking of someone serious. I found this a little odd because it is none of his business anymore, and he didnt just ask me "Oh, so how is your love life going?", he asked me that, and then wanted confirmation that I wasn't with anyone else at all. Just for informations sake, me and the guy aren't dating at all now, we went to the cinema twice, but I was aware it was going to be a rebound, and I didnt want that, so - it didn't work out!

 

I'm not sure how he would be testing me though?

 

Although, in slight contradiction to what i've said before about putting more effort in, this effort has been friend based only, and I've found that the more I get used to the idea of just being friends, the more I pull away from him and give him space. Since i've done that, the more he seems to want to talk to me

 

You're saying that you think

 

1) he's not being friendly to you out of guilt, and

 

2) you don't think he's being friendly to you because he's doubting his decision to break up with you (I'm reading a little into this conclusion, but I think this is essentially what you are saying?)

 

Perhaps reading into it a little - you make my brain hurt hehe! But I like to hear peoples opinions on the matter. I really don't think he's being friendly out of guilt, or because he's doubting his decision, but because he wants to be. We have gotten on better recently, over the past few weeks, but I think thats got more to do with me putting more effort in.

[PB]

I'm not sure how he would be testing me though?

 

Because he may have been ambivalent about whether or not he wanted to continue a relationship with you, he might have considered "breaking up" with you as a way of forcing the decision.

 

1) If you stayed close to him, maintained a friendship, and avoided getting involved with someone else, he might perceive that as validation that you really do care for him (if he was doubtful)

 

2) If you ended the friendship and/or had quickly gotten involved with someone else, he might perceive that as validation that he did the right thing to break up--that your feelings for him were not that strong anyway

 

It's probably a lot simpler than I'm making it...

 

 

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[Liquidius]

1) If you stayed close to him, maintained a friendship, and avoided getting involved with someone else, he might perceive that as validation that you really do care for him (if he was doubtful)

 

2) If you ended the friendship and/or had quickly gotten involved with someone else, he might perceive that as validation that he did the right thing to break up--that your feelings for him were not that strong anyway

 

I cried so much when he split up with me, he must know how much I care. Although, with the depression and everything it may have felt like I didn't care, because I wasn't very nice, and he wanted to end it before it got bad. I'm much better now, and am trying to show him that

[PB]

I cried so much when he split up with me, he must know how much I care.

 

I know I don't speak for all guys, but I'm *very* uncertain about assigning meaning to women's tears. Who the heck knows why you cry sometimes?!

 

Although, with the depression and everything it may have felt like I didn't care, because I wasn't very nice, and he wanted to end it before it got bad. I'm much better now, and am trying to show him that.

 

Larry King show on CNN devoted its show last night to depression. Dick Cavett, Jane Pauley, Mariette Hartley, and some doctor spent the hour discussing depression, bipolarism, mania, etc...

 

I believe you mentioned that you are undergoing treatment? And you are finding it helpful?

 

[Liquidius]

Yeah, very helpful I'm so much better, I feel so much more like "myself" again. I'm seeing a councellor, who's getting me to do lots of different things as well as being on antidepressants. I wish I'd seen the depression sooner, because this might not have happened - but then again, it may have done. I'm not going to go into "what if's" now, what's done is done, and all I can do now is look to the future and learn from what happened.

 

In the meantime, im trying very hard not to live in hope, and I think I'm doing ok. It's tough being friends, but its something I want. If it turns into something more in the future, then that'd be good, but if it doesn't, then I'm not going to dwell on it (too much!)

[PB]

Did something trigger the depression or is it something you think you've had for a long time?

 

The reason I ask, is that sometimes I wonder about whether I would be considered "depressed" or not. I go long periods of time where I'm fine, but pretty much every time I have a significant relationship "end", I go through a period of some very bad and scary thinking (suicidal kinds of thoughts). They seem to have about run their course for my most recent relationship breakup, but sometimes they crop up when I least expect them. They are the kinds of thoughts that make me hesitant to get involved with someone new.

 

Have you ever been suicidal or does your depression have other manifestations?

[Liquidius]

No one is sure what triggered my depression - I wasn't right from about February this year, I got tearful for no reason, and irratible for no reason. It was like permanent PMS! My ex got all the stick for everything because I was around him so much, and because of that, he split up with me because he thought I was turning into someone he didnt like. It was at that point I got much much worse. I didnt want to do anything, I didnt feel like my existence wasn't important to anyone, and of course, I thought about self harm and suicide. As well as that, I did and still do completely blame myself for the breakup. He then found out why I had been acting so "horribly" - and has been nice to me ever since lol

 

Anyway, I went to see a doctor, and they diagnosed me with clinical depression which had been lurking since the beginning of the year, and was finally triggered by the breakup with my ex. I've been on antidepressants ever since. I've got a book with allt the symptoms of depression if you want me to PM you with them. If your worried about it, you should get yourself checked out. I'm sorta hesistant to get involved with anyone at the moment, I need to get my own thoughts and emotions back on track first

[PB]

No one is sure what triggered my depression - I wasn't right from about February this year, I got tearful for no reason, and irratible for no reason.

 

I pretty much always have a reason when I get depressed--which makes me think that it's probably not a chemical imbalance or anything. Sometimes, I just feel like it's become a habit. I've gotten so use to the pattern that I quickly fall into the same bad thinking when something goes wrong. It's like I'm sooooo, soooo resistant to change sometimes, that suicide starts seeming like the "easier" option (by golly, at least I won't have to change!?!?!).

 

Usually, the next day though, I'll be past it and sometimes have a sort of exhilarating day. For instance, last night I dwelled on all that stuff about my ex, and about my lack of "control" (for lack of a better word) over putting all that stuff behind me. I got myself extremely depressed as I went to sleep (couldn't really sleep for a long while) and had a terrible night.

 

Today though, I've just been in just a merry ol' mood most of the morning. It's kind of strange. It's like I'm willing myself to be happy at the moment, but it only works for awhile. It's difficult trying to get it (the good feeling) to soak in deeper--deep enough to be able to brush off disappointments without having them turn my life upside down.

 

Anyway, I went to see a doctor, and they diagnosed me with clinical depression which had been lurking since the beginning of the year, and was finally triggered by the breakup with my ex.

 

Did you just see a regular medical doctor or some sort of specialist?

 

I've been on antidepressants ever since.

 

Do they indicate that you'll have to always take them?

 

I've got a book with allt the symptoms of depression if you want me to PM you with them.

 

Yes, please.

 

I'm sorta hesistant to get involved with anyone at the moment, I need to get my own thoughts and emotions back on track first

 

Same here. There are a couple of folks that I've been sort of flirty with lately (and it feels good to be able to laugh and see someone else express some appreciation for you as a person), but I also know that I'm not a good candidate for a relationship for awhile.

[Liquidius]

Usually, the next day though, I'll be past it and sometimes have a sort of exhilarating day. For instance, last night I dwelled on all that stuff about my ex, and about my lack of "control" (for lack of a better word) over putting all that stuff behind me. I got myself extremely depressed as I went to sleep (couldn't really sleep for a long while) and had a terrible night

 

I do this too - and it usually happens in the evening for some strange reason. I can't control what he's doing and it almost scares me. I always seem to get myself quite worked up, and then have problems sleeping. The only problem is, once I get to sleep, I dream everything is ok, and that me and my ex never broke up. That's a kick in the teeth when I wake up again, i'll tell you.